Started dating after 5 years again - still too insecure?
Hi dear people!
I need some help/advice please!
So after 5 years of not dating and trying to heal from a past relationship and heartbreak after loosing some very close family members i signed up on Bumble and a day later found a guy that i connected with. I really just swiped right 4 times, i was playing it very safe.
We started chatting right away and we did so for 2 and a half months. We chatted, then started talking on the phone and then videocalled. I was determind to take it slow and was also insecure so i needed more confirmation from him until i agree to meet up. We started getting feelings for each other, started giving each other pet names (or he did), talked every day, without a break (he always used to say he is clingy, which honestly, i loved, cause i was getting attention and i was enjoying it)
One day, i felt a little disconnect/interpreted some messages wrongly probably and all of a sudden i had an attitude and said "you know what, F it, im going to meet this guy, ill probably not even like him, but why drag it out, he has been asking me to meet for weeks now" so i told him that if he wants, ill come by so we can finally meet up.
And it was nice, we talked, kissed a little and cuddled. I missed that so much. And honestly, it felt so nice being in the arms of the guy who has been complimenting me for 2,5 months. It felt right.
That week we saw each other 3 times and the last time we did, it got a little bit more intimate. And thats where my feeling of uncertainty started.
I told him before that i want us to wait with S*x and we didnt had S*x. So this is what happened that third time i was at his place: He picked me up from home (he doesnt own a car, he just recently moved to my city and is pretty young (25, i am 29), so he took the metro to my place and we went to his together). We talked, We made out, started doing some touchy touchy and i didnt finish and he did. And afterwards we went out for a smoke and that guy, who had the brightest smile on his face, because he couldnt believe his luck of me actually being there and liking him, just got a little too confortable for my taste. He wasnt rude or anything like that, i just felt that he wasnt that clingy anymore in that moment.
I started feeling very strange/insecure. I was like "Eventhough i didnt have intercourse with him, i still gave it up too easily, didnt i?"
I had this feeling the rest of the day, so you can imagine how much fun i had, and how good i was at trying to connect with him.. it didnt work, obviously.
We then went to bed, he felt something was off, but i insisted on nothing being wrong. I didnt want to cuddle or anything, i just turned around, he fell asleep and i started crying. I was ashamed, felt super bad. My thoughts in that moment were once again "you actually found a guy, who really likes you. He always contacts you. Is very sweet when he talks to you and is glad that he found you and you give it up that easily. He is too comfortable with you, and you are miles away from that"
The next day i went home and in the evening we talked and i told him that i got upset, i cried cause we went a bit too far and wanted to slow it down even more. Mind you, i havent had sex in 5 years, i was still h*rny, i was still into the touchy touchy, but i felt like i had to cut it of. He agreed. He even said "F it, we can make a year out of it if you want, i dont want you to think its about that, cause the thing we have going on and got for the past almost 3 months is not about being physical with you, its so much more" He even jokingly created a contract in his iphone notes and signed it and send it to me to sign, just for me to see that he is taking it seriously.
ok, so ive started seeing him less, i made myself busy, maybe a bit unavailable, just to make him put in more effort. And it was going good.
We had days, i actually cought a cold and told him that thats why i dont want to do anything, where he actually came by after work (after a 12h shift, he works in a warehouse) and he brought me sweets and something for the cold). And he did that twice. Just to see me.
We did spend some more time at his place the following weeks. At some point i told him (since he is very unexperienced when it comes to dating) that he should think about what we could actually do and i need him to put some thought into it. I know, we are all in lock downs and dating is hard, but i still wanted him to make an effort. So last week, he actually cooked the whole weekend. We both come from the same area (different country than where we live) and i actually missed some of the foods/dishes i used to eat "back home" and so he made traditional breakfast, then made some lunch and then made traditional dinner and i helped him. And i loved it. We did "do" stuff outside too, but we actually just stopped by at a fleamarket, because my friend had a stand there and i promised to help out a bit, so he joined. But besides that, we didnt really do that much, which wasnt that bad and the day went by so quickly.
We were touch touchy again, a little less than before, he was respecting what i told him, i guess, but it ended up him finishing and me not. It was fine in that moment but i told him, that this has to happen, i cannot not finish and he started saying "how about we get a toy?" well, what i understood from it was "well, i tried twice, it didnt work, too much of a hustle, lets just get a helper, so i dont have to make it happen myself" Did he mean it like that? No, probably not. I actually mentioned it to him, and he said "well you said you wanted to take things slower, so how am i supposed to make you finish, when i cant go down on you?" I told him, he could, and i just wanted to remind him, that he was telling me how important it is for him that the other person finishes and that he is more a giver than a receiver. He said he was and then just repeated it what i just wrote. I mean, it does make sense, i guess.
So, after that weekend his mom came to visit. And she is still there. Meaning, she is staying at his place for the next 1,5 months and we are not able to be at his place and he is spending more time with someone else. Which is fine, honestly. My living situation is this: I live alone, but i am not ready to invite him over. For some this may sound strange, but this is the first flat i see as my home (real home/safe space) and i am just not ready to involve him too soon. This thing (us, we) happened rather unexpectedly and i still have some things to "clean up" /solve in my life, before i can give him more room in my life.
So this last week we saw each other on friday, for an hour, before i had to go to my fams christmas dinner. It was ok, short. But we said we wanted to meet up on Sunday and actually spend some more time with each other.
And we did. So yesterday, i went for a coffee with my best friend and then met up with him. His mom was visiting family and "gave us the place" to spend some time together. So we went to his place, ate some food and started cuddling since we missed each other a lot. Kissed and kissing turned into touchy touchy. The problem yesterday was that i am on my period. So i was touching him. Then the topic of BJs came up (he never really had one) and he asked me some things about it. I answered and then offered to show him ( i was h*rny and i actually like making him feel good). and he finished. And i didnt..clearly.. So after that i went to the bathroom to freshen up and the "lovey dovey- mood" was gone. Again. So, i got distant and offened. He sensed it, i didnt say anything. I also have to mention that i wasnt feeling all that well, period and so on. and then he came closer we started making out again and he started being touchy touchy again, but with me. not me with him. But at some point i just had the urge to stop, it didnt feel right. I had a million thoughts in my head. We then smoked.
He kept looking at his phone because he wanted to pick his mom up (foreign country and all) and i told him to call her and see if she is ready to be picked up. He did and she kept telling him that he doesnt have to come and she is gonna stay a bit longer so we can have that time together, but in his head it was already 20h, he needed to go to bed early since he had to wake up quite early and go to work. I actually dont know what exactly they talked about i just heard him saying "but do you want me to come, to you want me to pick you up, i will, just tell me" and having to listen to all of that in my overthinking state was just UGH!
He then hung up and told me that his cousin is going to drive her home. It sounded like she was gonna be a bit later and he did say that she had a key and can come when ever she wants. So i assumed we had some more time and i wanted him to continue a little with pleasuring me. But before that, he started saying stuff like "i know you would like to sleep here" i said "no, actually i dont, i cant really sleep at your place, i dont get enough sleep, i havent gotten used to it, so i dont know why you are saying that" and he pointed to his chest and said "but you like sleeping here (on my chest)". I kept being a little distant, i mean, his mom was going to come back, why would he even mention it, if he is not planing on asking me to stay.But then i told him to continue with what we where doing since i was still a little h*rny, and since we have some time until they come. He said "Well if you want them to see you half naked, haha" and i got confused, because i thought the reason his mom didnt want him to pick her up was because she wanted to give us some more time, but now it felt like i "had to" go. So i packed my stuff and was actually waiting for him to get dressed and walk me to the metro station, or lets say i was waiting for him to say he will. He put his jacket on without saying anything and just mentioned that he had to buy cigs on the way there. And i am now thinking about if he wouldve walked me to the station if he didnt have to buy them.
I am weirded out. Honestly. One of the things that i liked about him was him being a gentlemen, talking about walking me home and picking me up etc. And now im second guessing it. Now i am thinking "have i refused his "ill pick you up" too often so he wont put in the effort anymore? Or have i made him finish too soon and he thinks its ok not to consider me when it comes to this?"
How it ended is that i came home yesterday. He wrote me and i barley replied, so he sensed something once more said "before i write you the good night message, promise that everything is ok" and i ignored it. He then wrote (like he always does) a long, looong goodnight message saying how much he likes me, enjoys our time, how great i am, how lovely blablabla and says "i hope everything is ok between us" and then he went to bed.
what i repied was:
You think there might be something wrong, but you just write "hope everything is fine, but if not, then not" (exeggerating the situation a little) and all the nice messages in the world can make it ok.
then i had a talk with a friend about it, because i was so upset, cried, panicked and he told me that i should communicate my needs more, because that seems to be the problem for me.
so i wrote him additionally:
I was upset, i know you noticed. i wasnt able to tell you right away. lets talk about it tomorrow. a call after work would be good.
He answered me this morning, saying that he notices that i dont tell him right away and he has to drag it out of me sometimes. and that he wants me to trust him and that i should tell him and he tells me when something is up and that he would never hurt me. He mentioned he was trying to guess, but he couldnt, obviously. I wrote that i obviously need more trust and i am trying to tell him when stuff comes up, but its not as easy for me to be vulnerable as it is for him.
After that he wrote some more. Saying he is sorry, eventhough i havent told him what was wrong. I didnt reply yet.
i need some outside opinions. How does this sound to you? Could you give me some advice? Yes, i am aware that i have some issues, we all do, and i am trying to work through them. Yes i know that some of my responses like "being distant if my needs, that i havent really communicated, dont get met" Or getting angry or or or..
But how does this sound to you? Have you got anything for me. It would really be appreciated!
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
Kind Regards, Chatty!
Holy crap. You really need to stop over-analyzing every little thing. You are going to end up driving him and yourself crazy.
Therapy is an option.
Harsh, but very much true. Thanks for taking the time to read my crazy story.
I am in therapy, but dealing with so much stress atm that my heads spinning a little. Have to find a way to deal with it better.
It sounds like you're not really ready to be involved in a physical way, and that you're doing physical things you really don't want to do, yet. If you feel uncomfortable with physical things, then don't do them. Do do them just because he wants to. Instead, do them only if you, also, want to. It has to be mutual. There is nothing wrong with taking as much time as you need before you decide you want to get physical. And if you never want to get physical with this person, that is 100% fine. If he doesn't like it, he can move on.
Correction regarding: "Do them just because he wants to". I meant to type, "DON'T do them just because he wants to."