Problem with family and boyfriend - I need advice
Hello. I'm 22 years old girl, living in a ordinary-modern society.
2 years ago I met my boyfriend. This is my first romantic relationship. We like each other very much.
But when my parents met him, they didn't like him. They think he's weird and not for me.
My family isn't best in the world. My parents were always overprotective. In the house, it was never quiet, always some arguments and problems. My parents tried to end my relationship with boyfriend, by telling me he's bad and by banning me to spend time with him.
Boyfriend knew that and everything about my stresfull childhood with them. So it's logical he doesn't like them eather. He talked very bad things about them to me. I was so ready to leave my parents forever and cut all bounds with them. For him. Because I love him.
But now, my parents calmed down. Now, his parents (with whom I always have been good before) are the problem. They started banning him to see me because they are scared of covid virus. They are on one side antivax, but on the other, scared of virus. They don't trust the world and legit medical information and they don't believe in science, even tho they did finish university. When I tried to talk with boyfriend about why they are wrong, he told me to shut up because I'm boring and he doesn't want to talk about the subject. He usually puts problems under the carpet, instead of letting me talk about them. Now he doesn't want to break his parents rules, even tho I did break my parents rules for him. He's not willing to do for me the same things I did for him. When I try to talk about it, he says he doesn't want to talk about the subject.
He avoids to talk about problems and negative things. He claims he'a one of those people "only positive vibes".
I don't know if I should break up. That would probably be healthy on one side, but on the other, I'll be lonely, I'll miss him very much and my self esteem will be even worse.
I've been trough emotional violence as a kid by other kids in school. All of that made me depressed and made me lose my self esteem.
If I break up now, it will hurt me and my mental condition. I don't really have friends, I had them before, but ya know, people in past time became cold and uninterested for being in friendships.
And also, I'm a student. I need concentration and inner peace for studying for exams now. If i break up I won't be able to study, because I'll cry and overthink everyday whole day. Both me and my boyfriend are still students and we have to live with parents because financial situation in country is bad. It's very very hard to study, work and pay rent and all the bills with very very low salary. Especially when you're struggling with depression.
(I've been to the doctor, they gave me diagnosis of major depression and meds, but meds didn't work.)
I really need advice from someone from the outside. It would be helpfull.
Who should I trust: my chaotic overprotective family that surely loves me, but are acting wrong, or my boyfriend who claims to love me but never prooved it? What if I never find other love? What if I become suicidal from breakup? (I've been suicidal in hard situations)
I don't think either one of you is in a position to be in a relationship right now. You have exams to study for, and I expect he does too.
You can nag HIM all you want about his anti-vaxxer parents - but in the end - they ARE NOT going to take orders *from a child* who's living free off their kindness/charity. They are not going to take orders from their child's girlfriend, either. Nor should they. Their house, their rules. That's why it's pointless to nag him about this topic; he has no control.
You are 22, getting educated. Concentrate on that. You can stay in contact with boyfriend and maybe start seeing one another again when the semester is over (May, June?). Things may be better then, virus-wise or vaccine -wise. I'll bet you will have many boyfriends between now and when you settle down (*if* settling down is part of your plan!)
You are a valuable person, with or without a boyfriend. You don't NEED a boyfriend to be whole. That concept should be part of your self-esteem.
Your first serious boyfriend is a big deal. Mine was a jerk, and even though that was true, I still INSISTED on keeping the relationship going, even when he was mean, or cheating on me, or whatever. I'll never keep those 3 years back. But it wasn't all bad times, some good, and the lessons I learned from that time will last forever.
Thank you for your advice. But I doubt I'll have "many boyfriends" because after this, I won't be able to trust anyone anymore. It is easy to have many boyfriends when you're robot, but I'm not robot. Every bound with people hurts and have consequences.
Well, maybe I shouldn't have said 'many' boyfriends. In your case, it's not even a matter of trust. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't lie about who he was. He didn't drink all your savings away or go out and forge your name on a second mortgage to buy a speed boat. You've had two years together, and part of the problem was your parents. (as you state yourself, not a trust issue, a protective parent issue.) And now it's HIS parents. As I pointed out, THEY provide his food and shelter. In your own post, you stated that you each have to rely on your parents for financial reasons. You are BOTH dependent on your parents for support. Parents don't present these problems once you're fully grown and on your own. At that point, it's 'MY house, MY rules,' and you can date anyone you like. You will learn to spot the wrong person quickly. By wrong, I don't mean a bad person necessarily, I mean someone whose goals and dreams don't mesh with yours.
Here's the cold hard truth; Most of the people we date are not the right person for us. That's why few people are married to the first person they were romantically involved with. The next time you venture into dating, maybe you'll see right off, hey, this guy doesn't make sacrifices for me, or he's not very nice to his mother, or his parents are crazy, or his friends drink a lot, or...he's still a boy who's tied to his parents instead of standing up for himself like a man.
It's interesting to note that you totally ignored everything else I said, about self esteem, independence, and why he's tired of talking about his anti-vaxxer parents. Honestly - I'm tired of that particular conversation, too. People have made up their minds one way or another, and nagging them isn't going to change them. Certainly nagging HIM isn't going to change THEM.
You say you were ready to leave your parents because of their feelings toward your boyfriend? Do it, then. And he can move in with you. Ohhh, but the financial situation would be hard. Yup, it will. You'll likely have to drop out of school and get a dead- end job at low pay with no hope of promotion. YOU DIDN'T DO THAT
so resenting him for not alienating the people who house and feed him is a little hypocritical.
The reason you're not together isn't because the two of you don't get along, but because you both have to rely on you parents for financial security. Although *technically* you're adults, socially and economically, you're not adults.
By the way, people who date and fall in love, and get their hearts broken and go out and do it again - they aren't robots. They're resilient.