I destroyed our friendship
I (36M) have known this girl (31F) for over 6 years. We were roommates at first, had not met before. We hit off pretty quickly and became intimate at some point, about a few months after I moved in. We would grab a bite to eat or go to the movies, I really liked her but only as a friend, and sex was great so we kept that going for a few months.
She then confessed she had feelings for me so I wanted to put an end to it because I didn't feel the same way, but she kept coming back and I caved for longer than I'm proud of.
I had financial issues and didn't feel like moving out so I kept hoping she would get over her feelings but she never did. We were very close because I cared a lot for her and we shared many things so we lived kind of like a couple (her words) for a few years. We stopped sleeping together for good after 2 years and I finally took the courage to move out 2 years later (we lived together a total of 4 years) when my dad offered me money to buy my own condo.
So she found an apartment of her own and then things were ok, at least that's what I thought. I couldn't bring myself to date other people because I was scared of her reaction so things stayed the way they were. We grew even closer when the pandemic hit, I would go visit her 2-3 times a week to hang out and we would talk about whatever and watch movies together. We also texted everyday from day 1, send memes and stuff.
Now the thing is, I expressed my interest in dating at the beginning of 2021 and our friendship has been deteriorating ever since. She grew more and more insecure, saying any girl I would meet wouldn't allow us to be as close and she was scared to lose me. I never considered cutting contact as I really liked her company and she was very important to me.
But then I met someone through a dating app a month ago and things went ugly. My date was insecure about her and would call me when I was with her, and vice-versa. I was scared of my friend being hurt so I lied about seeing my date and when she found out she lost it, she called repeatedly and then my date answered my phone (I didn't want her to but she did anyway). My friend got mad and came over, we got into a huge fight and I decided to block her to avoid any of this going any further.
But the truth is, I'm heartbroken. I lost my friend and I feel guilty for staying so close to her while knowing she had strong feelings for me, I feel like I fed her with hopes. I saw her for the last time last week (she came over to pick up her stuff) and we were both crying, she said I destroyed her and that the idea of me seeing someone who was talking down to her without even knowing her. I have to admit that I also let my date read some of her messages and she was very hurt when I told her.
I know I fucked up very badly and I blamed her for a long time for being insecure and overdramatic but I now realize that my actions were what caused her to be like this in the first place.
I miss her a lot. What do I do?
TLDR; I lost my friend of 6 years because I hurt her and I feel like a horrible person.
Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you. There is no fix for this. You messed with this girls emotions for years, kept her attached to you, but never fully connected with her. Then you lied about dating, and allowed the girl you were dating to harass her on the phone. You devastated this girl over the period of years.
Learn from your mistakes, and work on becoming a better, more mature person.
It sucks that you lost someone close to you, but don't beat yourself up about it. In the beginning, you were experimenting with her and it seemed like you liked your friend on a variety of levels. However, when she expressed interest in more and you didn't reciprocate, that's the point where you should have stopped sleeping with her. Ideally, moving out sooner would have made the situation easier for the both of you, but it's easy to say that in hindsight (also, I don't know all the details of your situation).
If you really value her friendship, try to reconnect with her. If you think that'll just open up old wounds, remember her in fondness and just keep living your life.
Leave her alone.
Leave her alone. You strung this poor girl along for YEARS, wasting her time as well as likely options for her to meet someone she might grow to care about.
And now she's finally gotten a backbone and is blocking you? GOOD FOR HER.
If you cared about her as much as you propose to, you should have been dating her from the beginning. But no, you wanted to be able to sleep with her and have her do all the girlfriend stuff for you, while also keeping your options open. And now...she's gone. That's not exactly an unforseen ending to this.