Feeling stuck and sad
I would really appreciate some advice and I don't feel I can talk to my friends and family about this because I feel silly.
It all sounds a bit petty but I have been struggling with this problem and it is on my mind at the moment 24-7 so perhaps writing on here and hearing others ideas and thoughts would help.
I was with my boyfriend for two years, we met just before Covid and then there were lots of lockdowns so we spent a lot of time together (we don't live together) as I didn't get out much and socialise. It worked well but since the opening up we have been going to a sport club together and there are other people there both men and women. We both made friends there and enjoy it but there was this one guy who liked me and flirted with me. It was just chit chat mostly but my boyfriend didn't like it.
I want to be honest so I would say I was very attracted to this guy, I wanted to talk to him and I didn't mention my boyfriend (I didn't pretend I was single but I just didn't talk about him either). My boyfriend overheard our conversation and got very upset. This was over three months ago and he hasn't let it go, always bringing it up and asking me questions like 'do you like him? (the other guy) and 'Should we end things?'.
I liked this guy but I've been very confused, I hardly know him and he seems popular all around so I don't know if my treatment is special or just how he is, naturally flirty.
Anyway, we have been to this sports club regularly since Christmas and I've had more chats with this guy, again a bit flirty but friendly and in the company of others (I should point out it is never one to one with this guy). My boyfriend has been moody and unpleasant with me afterwards every time and blames me for 'encouraging' this guy by not talking about him enough.
He is convinced that this guy is pursuing me but I'm not so sure, he doesn't contact me outside of the group. I believe my boyfriend got it out of hand. Enough was enough and I got fed up of being treated like a criminal and ended it with him this month.
I am sad about that but I have developed feelings for this other guy. He doesn't realise that I'm single and I don't want to broadcast it but I would really hate to lose him to other women.
I feel stuck, I don't want to tell him I'm free but want him to know of course this doesn't mean that he will even want to date me but it would be good to find out if he would. He has given out some signals that he 'would be interested if I was single' (he said that once, when I did tell him I had a boyfriend as he asked directly).
I know I need to forget this guy and I have stopped going to the sports club, mostly because my recent ex boyfriend still goes so it is uncomfortable. This guy I like goes regularly too so I feel I can't get to know him as I'm not going there anymore.
I do have his mobile number (from the club details) but personally think this could look rather desperate?
I feel so lonely and stuck, I'm concentrating on doing other things like my work and my other hobbies and my plan is to return to the sports club after a month of two, when I have the strength to see my ex boyfriend there. Of course I'm scared this other guy may have moved on and I will witness that and I know it would kill me. However, what will be will be and surely if he likes me it might develop once we have the freedom to get to know one another without my hands tied.
So I am doing nothing, feeling sad, lonely and the ex is feeding me all these stories of how the other guy is getting on very well with certain other women. I have stopped communicating with my ex boyfriend now as it was all toxic gossip about this guy.
I am having to let the whole thing go and just see what happens but it is hard. I feel often quite tearful, I never meet men I like much and this guy was it for me or am I just living in a fantasy world? I know how i feel I suppose.
Trying to get on with life but I find it hard not to think about this guy, he had a big impact on me.
You know, the only thing I see that went wrong here is that you really weren't interested in your boyfriend any more, you wanted to see what other options you had, (pretty clear from your post). Instead of just ending things with him, it *looks like* you kinda tried to string him along until you found out if Other Guy was interested. It may not be that, but...that's what it sounds like, from your post. I get it, things were hard during lockdown, you guys just ended up as bf-gf, you didn't have a lot of choices. Still, if you were that interested in someone else, the best course of action would have been to gently tell your bf you wanted to end the relationship, before the flirting went so far, before your boyfriend felt pushed aside.
I think the hard part now is that your ex already feels embarrassed and hurt. If you go back to the sports bar, he's going to have to see you with this fellow, or maybe someone else. You don't know if this guy was "it" for you...you haven't spent enough time alone to get to know one another, certainly not enough to get on each others' nerves, or to learn about one another's annoying habits. Right now, it IS a fantasy. If you have his number, you could arrange to see one another someplace else. This would serve two purposes: if he agrees, you know he's interested. And since you'd be meeting someplace else, your bf's feelings would be spared.
'..I'm concentrating on doing other things like my work and my other hobbies and my plan is to return to the sports club after a month of two, when I have the strength to see my ex boyfriend there"
..it's the best thing you can do in this situation. While the other guy may not be there etc etc, the thing that you're missing is that you can't get with any other guy properly until you're over your ex (which is the strength to see him as you post about).
You may be single but that doesn't mean that you're available. You need to sort your head out first before you go anywhere near another guy.
If the other guy is meant to be it'll happen, if it doesn't, it never was. Instead it'll another one of life's lessons & whether it's an easy one or a hard one is up to you.