I don't know what to do about her...
I don't think I've told this to anyone, not really used to wearing my heart on my sleeve, but getting it off my chest could maybe ease the pain and confusion a little...
I know what I'm gonna say might cause anger in some.(You'll understand why as you read on)
When I was 17 (I'm 24 now) I met a girl that would become my first actual serious girlfriend. We were both finishing school the year we met and we knew from the start we didn't have much time together because after school she would be leaving to a different country to continue her studies, meanwhile I would be staying here to continue mine. So we both said "Yeah, sure this is just for like 4-5 months, it'll be a nice time and the breakup will be easy"...
We weren't thinking the same after those months.
I remember the last day we saw each other - the day she would leave for good, it was awkward, the vibe was cold and still, we both knew this was it, and that it was this "easy" process, but we were both silent to one another... A huge room full of music and people dancing but we were standing still in the opposite sides of that room barely moving and despite the hyperactive sweaty crowd, we were the only people in the room. I left early, and I live quite a distance form that place. I don't remember ever rushing back like a maniac to another taxi like that after just coming home, to a huge distance just to let someone know that I think I love them, I wasn't thinking about how I would say it, no plan or anything, I just wanted her to know. She held a shock on her face and kept it still only her mouth moving to say: "F**k.... I think I love you too." I'll just say that what I felt when she told me that shook me to the core in the most blissful way and you imagine the rest, otherwise, I would have to write at least 15 more paragraphs about it.
And then she left. Before that we had discussed long term relationship - guess when we subtly felt our emotions getting deeper we started thinking about it as an option. We both said it would be damn near impossible and would destroy us. We decided to not text or call each other for a while to "cool down," so months passed, then university came, and I focused on something else (It was a drama/acting major so I was busy all day 6 days a week), so I thought I moved on. I did have lighthearted romance or two after that but I was never truly "there" or "present", so it never got serious with anyone, and when I saw her dating someone new seriously, I wanted so smash my phone. Don't get me wrong, of course she would date someone but noticing it was more serious than casual dating affected me a lot, and the fact that it did scared and confused me. I thought it was just me still unable to "let go" but a couple of years later (she was still with the same person), I had to fly to the city she lived at for four days for a test shooting, and when she found out she asked me if I wanted to meet up, but I could feel she was nervous about it.
It terrified me. I chickened out and told her it would be for the best if we didn't. I guess I just couldn't face her sitting across the table while having someone else in her life. This was a couple of years ago. We haven't had spoken until a little later...
I took the past year off from social media, came back to it several days ago, she found me, followed me, we chatted for a while, but it felt weird, after all this time she (now married to that same guy, with a baby daughter) texted me with the same goofball energy we shared, I congratulated her on becoming a mother, she gave a weird answer as if she didn't want to talk about it, changed the subject, asked me about my love life...
Where I'm leading with all of this is _ it's been 7 years. I've had relationships after that, some of which were very good and intense, but deep down always felt temporary, and lately I've realized that the thoughts about her aren't with me all the time_ as in 24/7, but maybe the pain of her absence _ is, but it's quiet, kind of like a fridge humming - you don't notice it until it's gone every now and then. And deep down I know what I'm feeling for her, what I always have felt. It's just tearing me apart because after all this time all that "long distance relationship" talk seems so pointless, I don't know why we gave up so easily, why I didn't make a different choice, to fight for her and overcome the circumstances and hell maybe even move with her. I just have this deep deep gut or heart or whatever feeling that whatever turmoil I'm in, She feels the same, or maybe I'm wrong and she doesn't and I just don't know the truth which is equally painful.
So I guess the advice I'm asking for... Well to be honest I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore, is: What the hell do I do? I'm in love with a woman who is married and has a daughter, what's crazier is I think she loves me too, it's one of those feeling that deep in your soul you JUST KNOW. And I've met a lot of different people in my life and made friends some of which are over 60. I've heard many stories of people being in love and separating for stupid reasons, marrying, building a family and then finding each other years later when they've had enough of fear etc. What if that is our story I keep wondering... I mean don't get me wrong I'm happy she has a daughter and a family but at the same time it's tearing me apart, plus cause I feel like if she does feel the same, the more I wait - the worse it's gonna get.
I think the fantasy or memory of a relationship is superficially more enjoyable than the actual, nuts and bolts maintaining a relationship day by day. I think if either of you truly thought about being together forever, you would have re-connected after your cooling off period, or some time thereafter and tried again. I tried to re-connect with the first man I was nuts about, over a few years. (Just about your age when I gave up) When I was single, he was in a relationship, and vice versa. Never happened, and maybe never meant to. He wanted children, I never did, and so one of us would have been very unhappy. Since then, there have been a few other men (not a lot) that I cared deeply about and didn't end up with. In **EVERY** case, there were differences that weren't going to be resolved no matter how much we loved one another. Love does not conquer all.
Did you want children? (I'm guessing since we know what causes pregnancy, this woman and her husband chose to have a child together) Does he support her while she stays home with the baby? Could you do that, or are you still working your way up in the [dog eat dog, fickle, you're a star one day and the next you're yesterday's news] entertainment industry?
As for long distance relationships: also more romantic in theory than they are in real life. I've only known a couple couples who made it work, and they both made enough money to maintain two homes and travel to be together whenever they wanted. A man I dated after becoming widowed wanted to do that. I simply couldn't afford what he suggested: to take turns traveling to one another's homes on the weekends. I literally didn't make enough money to buy the gas and afford the maintenance for an extra 7000 mile per year on my car. Love doesn't fix that.
You don't know her feelings, you're guessing. Since you felt she was nervous about meeting, and you called it off, I'll offer my armchair psychological explanation: she remembers you fondly, was curious, but realized staying focused on her marriage was more important. When I was married and wanted to stay faithful to my husband, I avoided being alone with men I was very attracted to. I made sure I wasn't in a position to do something I'd regret. And by the way...Would you really want to tie your emotional wagon to a woman who was always looking for greener pastures? Of course, the memory of a boyfriend she had when you guys were young, didn't have to support yourselves, didn't have to care for a baby, had next to zero responsibilities is pretty powerful - but it's not realistic. Once two people actually live together, there are minor or not so minor irritations. Someone doesn't do the dishes very often, or clothes end up on the floor instead of the hamper or the dresser. Someone doesn't take the car in for the oil change on a timely basis, or get the bills sent out on time. That project around the house sits for weeks without progress, or the housework is done so carelessly it's as if it didn't happen at all. Compared to an idealized high school romance, all that can seem pretty irritating. It's easy to think you're falling in love with someone else.
AS for reconnecting later in life, I've had a person in my life that happened to as well. She married, raised children, had a career, was widowed, had ANOTHER romance that ended when he passed away, and THEN met her childhood sweetheart. She DID NOT regret her life with her husband, she DID NOT stay out of fear or whatever. It was just a happy coincidence that she and 'Joe' ended up single and in the same town in their later years.
Thank you for taking the time and thank you for your insight - gave me a certain perspective.
though I think over the years I've made it clear with myself to not look at this through "rose colored glass" if you will. And when I said I've heard stories of people I didn't mean regret or only fear, I've heard the types you mention. In any case - what I know is I will do I must and let the chips fall where they may, not recklessly or anything like that. In the end I'll follow my heart like I should have done years ago, the worst that can happen is I'll end up heart broken in a lot of regret maybe.. dunno, at least the truth will smack me in the face and I'll have to live with that, but not knowing and not risking for her, I can't do that anymore.
In any case, thank you, and I wish you all the best.
Are both of can imagine your future together? What about her family? I suggest you decide, and it is only you who can decide because it is your life.
Sometimes people come back to life because we can reconnect, and sometimes just because we can understand how much time we wasted because of them.
A few years, I was attached to a boy and could not move on. Upon meeting him again three years later, he told me that he had the same feeling for me and was looking for a future; hence, it was all a lie. Once I realised, I was able to move on.
I understand that it is not possible in all cases, so I advise you first to decide what you want and ask her too