Trying not to be the asshole about their pain
My partner and I have been together for about 8 months and things have been truly amazing. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with them. Lately, though, its not really been amazing. She developed an issue we're still trying to get figured out but it puts her in a lot of pain day to day. Sometimes its super mild and other times she can't get out of bed. The problem is sometimes it feels like we don't do anything together anymore. Its hard enough being long distance but this just makes it worse and I feel like I would be a jerk to say anything but also I want attention too, ya know.
Like today. She woke up with a lot of energy so she cleaned her entire apartment. With the time difference, by the time I woke up, she was headed out to grab coffee with a friend and I was going to a hike anyways. No problem. But then when I got home we had talked about watching a show together and painting. We were facetiming but my phone was acting up so we switched to audio. For a bit we were just chilling and scrolling through insta, sending each other things and talking but then i asked about watching the show together. She said yes and I got it ready. Then she didn't want to get up. the pain was bad and her laptop was on her desk while she was in bed. So she kept saying that we would do it and then didn't. over and over again. until she fell asleep. I had been looking forward to the little watch and paint date all day and I couldn't help but think about all the things she'd gotten up for while we were on the phone but she wouldn't budge for the laptop. At one pint she was worried her flatmate left the heat on in the kitchen. Then she wanted to turn up the heat a little. Then turn it down a little. Then some other little thing. She got out of the bed and went all the way across her room or out of her room every time. She just wouldn't put that same effort into getting their laptop to do something with me.
I wasn't even expecting the painting part at that point but I definitely thought I'd get more than sitting on facetime audio swapping memes on DM. Between that kind of thing where I only get her time after her energy is depleted and how much of our conversation is just her ranting (about the pain, how burnt out she is, how busy she'll be next year, etc, etc).
I don't know how to say to her, without sounding like a jerk, that while she's in pain, her needs aren't the only ones that matter in this relationship. I don't think its intentional and I know her pain is genuine. But damn you grabbed coffee and walked around with someone for hours and hours on end. I couldn't even get you going to your desk for a laptop. What do I say and (probably more importantly) *how* do I say it? especially directed at people with chronic pain or experience in relationships with people who have it
If the pains that bad, what's her doctor saying? You need to be upfront & say what you feel you need to say regardless of her pain. If you were there, would you be running around the flat turning up the heat etc or would you be saying to her, "do it yourself because you've been out for hours walking around with a friend"?
It's not about being an asshole, it's about being fair to each other even if you are in a LDR. She's crook & in pain but she should be managing it so she gets to spend time with you, so tell her straight up how you feel & explain why. If you reckon she's genuine then there shouldn't be an issue, should there?