Unhappy in my relationship or just with my life?
Hi everyone, apologies in advance as this is going to be a long one. Please stick with me I know parts of this are going to sound weird so I would really appreciate no judgement.
So I am 29, I will have been married for 4 years this year, together for 9. We have a 1 year old child and a house that is bought in my husbands name.
My husband is a kind, very hardworking man, who I know loves me and our child.
I recently saw an actor interviewed on TV and thought he came across so well. Long story short I got a bit obsessed and have a full on school girl crush - watched the series he is in and all interviews I could find on YouTube. He just seems like such a genuine, nice person.
It's really hard for me to explain as I know this is not anyone I would ever be with, I'm not that crazy! But there are qualities he has, that my husband doesn't, that I want in a relationship. And obviously I don't know him, so he could be totally different to how he comes across. But I think the point is its highlighted the fact that I'm unhappy and there are things wrong in my relationship. But I feel I shouldn't be because he hasn't done anything wrong and we have everything we ever wanted.
I want someone who I can talk to. He works such long hours and when he gets in all we talk about is his work it feels like. If I ask him to do anything he just ignores me and I end up doing it, which I'm starting to resent him for. Sometimes I talk or ask him something and he doesn't answer me because he's on his phone. I feel completely invisible sometimes. I have spoken to him about this and get different responses each time. Sometimes he says he will try harder, sometimes he says all I do is moan and nag and other times he says he knows he does it but needs to unwind after work and that is the way he likes to do that. Whenever I tell him I'm feeling low he says why? And sometimes I don't know why and that's the end of it. I just don't feel like he cares sometimes. I think its more that he doesn't understand than he doesn't care, but I don't really feel like he tries to understand either. I told him when I went back to work that doing all the housework myself plus working was going to burn me out. He said he'd help more, and he did here and there for a week or 2, but we are back to normal now and I'm just not coping. The last time I told him I was feeling down, before even saying anything he said he works long hours too and just can't do anymore than what he's doing. Which is just selfish to me, as I work sausage hard too but still have to cook and clean and do laundry at the end of the day when all I want to do it sit down.
I had an amazing birth, but a terrible time afterwards. I had a very low milk supply and got myself in a terrible state trying to get it up. I had horrific breastfeeding grief when I gave up and would cry all day long and all night long. I hallucinate from lack of sleep and was in a very dark place, and my husband could not have been more amazing at that time.
My sex drive is non existent. I push myself to be intimate because I don't want my husband to be unhappy, but I have no desire to whatsoever.
My mood is so low. I've been prescribed antidepressants by my doctor, which I am yet to take because I'm nervous to. I was on them years before for severe anxiety and depression (after my first boyfriend cheated on me with a friend ) but didn't feel they helped me at the time. I used to have counselling which definitely helped me, but we couldn't afford for me to do that now. I have self referred myself to go through the NHS, however I think you only get a set amount of sessions and I don't think that's gonna be long enough for me to feel better.
I can't work out of its the relationship that's making me unhappy, or just life. We're both in jobs that aren't going anywhere. I feel like I have no fun in my life! I've totally lost any ambitions or passions, I don't even know what I enjoy anymore. I think that's another part of why this actor seems so attractive to me, he's so ambitious and has had so many great experiences which maybe I'm jealous of? He's living a great life, having fun and doing something he loves and I would love to have that. I used to be a bubbly person, but I just feel like that's gone. I don't feel like I'm doing anything that makes a difference. My days are spent working, cleaning, cooking and tidying up after my baby. I try and play with him and spend as much time possible being a good mum and teaching him things but I need something else as well. I don't just want to be a mum. I would love something big and exciting to work towards where I can make a difference.
I'm not even sure anyone can say anything to help me, but sometimes just talking it through with someone can help can't it? And I don't feel I have anyone I can do that with so I would just really appreciate any advice anyone might have. Thanks x
Have you considered volunteering? It might be something you could make a difference in, as you mentioned. It would also give you the opportunity to meet new people. You could do it for just a couple of hours a week...