How to tell your partner his parents stink?
I need advice, as someone who isn't very good with words and also hates any form of confrontation, I need help in how to tell my partner something I know would 100% offend me if someone said it.
Just to make it clear, my partners grandparents are absolutely incredible and I love them to bits, he classes them as his parents as his mother was not a nice lady and they took her to court to get custody of him.
Now here's the issue, my family owns a lot of property and we've been renting a one bedroom from my mum for the last 4 years. But due to growing tensions (her controlling behaviour and us no longer putting up with it) she's evicted us. So we've been looking for other places.
He's got an idea, which in any other circumstances would he good, he wants us to move in with his grandparents for a year, save and put a deposit down on a house.
The problem is, and I say this with the most love I possibly can, their house... its pretty grim, I'm talking mold growing up the walls that they never sorted, cat urine stains (and smell) all over the floor, molding plates in the washing bowl, dirty underwear on the floor, they don't like opening the curtains and letting fresh air in, and on top of that they've got a serious hoarding problem.
I spoke to a friend of mine who just said I should clean it if it bugs me, but I don't feel it would be fair on me, I already work full time and go to college in the evenings, I don't want to end up being the maid and picking up after 3 other people, which is what would end up happening.
I know it seems unappreciative, and I would understand if he wants to live there without me so he can do some saving and I go into a cheaper accommodation and save there, I just don't think I could cope living there. He knows something is wrong as each time he brings it up I don't say much about it (I don't know how to) and just nod, so he just shouts at me that I'm trying to ruin us ever getting a house and clearly don't care about our future (despite the fact I'm in night classes whilst working full time in the day to get us a better future :)
I'm probably painting a really stuck up picture of myself here, I'm sorry about that :(
Any advice on how to tell him without completely offending him?
If this is the guy you're planning to spend the rest of life with, then you really need to work on it because you need to be able to communicate properly, otherwise you guys won't last.
You guys need to share the same standards and values and if you did, you wouldn't be hesitating with telling him straight up how you feel about moving in with his GPs. In turn, he wouldn't expect you to move into a house that's not up to scratch with cleanliness, regardless of who owned it. Negotiation always wins, but you have to get their first...by using communication.
It's not about you offending him & it's not about mould on the walls, it's about saving some money but it's not worth a single cent, if it implodes your relationship because you guys can't communicate properly.
An extremely unpleasant and strange situation, but I think if you plan to spend the rest of your life with this guy (as he is with you), then you should definitely talk about it. Don't talk about it directly, ask if he smells strange, etc. If you plan to live in this apartment, then mold can cause significant harm to your health, this is an important problem.
You can't clean up another person's hoard; unless that person has been /is in therapy, that's a road to Crazytown.
People all over the world save up for homes without mooching off parents and grandparents. It's done literally every day. You two can get your own place and save over a longer period of time. You could get a two- or three- bedroom place with another couple/couples. You could patch things up with your mom and understand that if she OWNS the property, she's ENTITLED to make up rules for the people who live there, even if those rules are stupid and unreasonable.
I would be ***very*** careful about planning a future with a partner who ***could*** live like you have described. I would consider this a major red flag.
Your post is full of BIG red flags.
Remember this, and remember this well....if you want to tell the type of person you'll be marrying, look at his--or her--parents. As a matter of extension, guess where the parents got their habits from?