Long distance advice?
Really hoping for some advice here, as I’m emotionally exhausted.
I met someone online 6 years ago, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship, nevertheless, he has always stayed in contact, and, not in a pushy way, made his feelings very clear, that he would like a relationship, etc.
3 months ago, I got back in touch with him, and we started chatting again. Very quickly, old patterns reappeared, but this time, I didn’t push down my feelings. I asked him what he wanted to happen, he said, to see where things could go long-term. We have had all the important conversations, I love him, he says he loves me, there were visits planned, all going amazing!
Then about a month or so ago, some family trouble came up for him, and ever since that he has turned into someone I don’t recognise.
There are no more ' hi ' texts, nothing like that! We used to talk on the phone often, as well as text constantly, all of that has stopped. He has children from a previous relationship ( mum isn’t around ) but he never talked to me in the house/in front of the girls, which I always found strange, well text he would, but never by voice
Lately it's all like short snappy texts, not snapping at me exactly, but just not his normal self. I know he is stressed, but I am not the cause of these issues, and it makes me beyond sad that our relationship is suffering because of it!
A few times, I have brought this up, I even offered him space, and he said no, but then continues to be distant.
Yesterday, we had a rare conversation by voice, and when I was trying to explain to him that how he feels matters to me, because I want to support him, but also that all of this is affecting our relationship, and also that I should be seen as a support and that that's important, he basically said that I’m selfish for wanting his time and attention and that my texts are selfish, given what he’s going through.
I am seeing a therapist, and this morning I explained the situation, he pretty much said that him saying all these things, is like saying indirectly, that his business is not my business, and that if we have to wait until this ' storm ' passes, that doesn’t bode well for the relationship in every day terms, which I agree with. I thought I was being unfair, but to be validated like that meant a lot.
He has suggested no texts for a bit, and to see how that's received. So, that's the new plan, I just wanted some outside perspectives? Like today for example, I could see he read a message I sent hours ago, and all I got back in response was affectively a ' me too ' and an emote.
I’m so tired feeling sad all the time, but I do love him, and am so mad at myself for allowing myself to, given how he’s treating me now! If someone treated his daughters the way he’s treating me, I know he would be furious!
Really appreciate any responses, and thanks for taking the time to read
You really can't expect this guy, who accuses you of being selfish, to maintain your relationship together when he can go cold on you whenever he feels like it, for whatever the reason.
You need to understand that it's just too easy for people to cut you off when they're miles away, regardless of planned visits. Block this guy & walk away & you'll be giving him all the space he needs & craves. In the meantime, realise that his behaviour tells you who he is & that in life, actions do all the talking.
So you are saying his behavior is unfair? I just want to be sure?
He text today, saying he had to go to emergency dentist, and at first, I wrote something snappy and not very nice back, but then deleted it, and just wrote simply, Hope they fixed whatever was wrong. No emotes etc, which is totally unlike me. I’m just so hurt by the entire thing. Also, I forgot in my first post, we have actually met in person before, so it's not a purely online thing. Appreciate your response
It doesn't matter whether you have met this guy or not, or that you guys are a LDR, what does matter is that he's being selfish and childish when he should be welcoming your support. If he loved and respected you, he would treat you accordingly.
Step back a bit & realise that you're running around trying to appease him, rather than assist him, and from miles way, while's he's doing what he damn well likes when he likes. Ask yourself why do you need a relationship like this when it's causing you anxiety and hurt??
So update, he had to go to emergency dentist today, and have a tooth extracted! I couldn't just disappear off the face of the earth, and not talk with no explanation – it just didn’t feel right! So I said I was taking a step back, and for him to just come back when/if he was ready. A conversation followed, and things are getting back on track slowly hopefully! He said, and I quote, he *desperately* misses me. So let’s just wait and see what happens over the next little while
It seems to me that a guy can say: "I have a terrible blockage at work; I recently experienced the breakup of a serious relationship, which was a big blow for me; the divorce of my parents left an indelible mark on my soul and brought a lot of new troubles; now I need to focus on my career; I can't start a relationship while in my life is not going to get better; as soon as my situation improves, I will leave my wife, girlfriend, job; I am terribly busy." It's easier for guys to jump out of a window than to say, "You're not right for me."They are one hundred percent sure that in this case you will kill them or yourself, or, even worse, you will start crying and screaming. Even if they don't talk about it, so I think he's just showing his attitude like that. Stop making excuses for him, his actions speak for themselves, and it seems to me the best option here would be to leave him.
yes, it's really not a pleasant situation. I believe that the person accusing you of selfishness does not sincerely love you . I advise you to take a closer look at his actions, because it is actions that determine the attitude of a person to a person, especially if you talk about relationships.
The only option is to get out, catch your breath, and then come in again. And a woman can help in this.
Try to think through your leisure time. See where you can go, how to spend time, where to go, and offer it to a man. If he reacts nervously at first, "what trips, problems all around, a lot of things to do!", you calmly: no, so no. Fed, waited, then asked again. When the mood changes, the answers may be different.
And here your mood will also be key. If you are anxious, you will not convince a man to rest. On the contrary, seeing your concern, he will work even harder.
If you are tired of being sad, then I think you should not worry about such a relationship at all. Break up with him or take some time off. Let him know that you also play a key role in your relationship. Well good luck.
For me long-distance relationships have always seemed like shit, honestly. In a relationship, an important role is played by the presence of a person, the ability to see him live, his actions and reactions. But nevertheless, many people cannot build relationships even in person. So who cares! In general, in your case, I would advise you to screw him away. If a person really wanted to do something, he would have done it. He would have written to you, asked you to give him a little more time in a gentle way. And ignoring and brief correspondence sucks.
My close friend had a long-distance relationship. In the beginning everything went well, correspondence where they confess to each other in love (disgusting). But then they rarely communicated. However she really loved him, and he wrote that he loved her too. But half a year later, when he returned to the city, they broke up. And the question is where is the meaning, for what was everything for? She lost so much strength, so much nerves, just like me. She wrote, tried to keep in touch with him. And I've always told her relationships don't just depend on you. Relationships are the work of both of you. so both should try.
Hello! The situation is complicated, considering that you are in love, and your relationship goes through correspondence. I can't speak confidently, but I think that your young man is not ready for something serious, and he hardly has feelings of love for you. It is possible to justify indifferent behavior once, for a special reason, but if it happens systematically, then I think that you are simply being used as a distraction. Whatever the problems, we should devote time to our loved ones, but if this does not happen, it is unlikely that a person assigns you an important place in his life. I advise you to stop this while there is still time.
This is the most strange situation. I think you should see him live and talk it over. If his attitude towards you does not change, I believe that you need to end this communication. It's quite possible that you were just entertainment for him. He was just having fun and consoling himself with this communication. Most likely it is. A lot of people are doing this. Just having fun in correspondence. They communicate and when they get closer to a person, they stop paying the same attention. I do not know why they choose this particular way of entertainment, but nevertheless it is so.