I’m ace/aro and this guy keeps flirting with me(anxiety)
Hi! I’m ace aro and I’m finally comfortable with my sexuality for myself, I finally feel at peace and not confused anymore. My problem is that I have this guy who is my friend (but we aren’t super close) and he is a mutual friend in a group of friends I really like. We are all online friends and honestly I’ve loved being friends with them, I feel very comfortable around them…well most of them. We all did a face reveal the other day and that’s when things started getting weird. I am going to be giving my friends fake names just got my sake and theirs. So I’m showing my face to all of them and they are showing theirs to me and it was really chill. My biggest fears were that either they were going to be mean or that they were gonna find me attractive. I have a really bad anxiety problem with people and attraction towards me. I’ve had it my whole life and for most of it I thought it was because I liked the people and that’s why they give me anxiety but I’m reality I HATE the idea of people being attracted to me. It gives me so much anxiety and my brain begins to spiral out of control and starts inputing all this other stuff and honestly it hurts. So this guy I’ll name him Brian. Brian is the one who im not close to but he is a mutual friend. He didn’t turn his webcam on until after I got off and I didn’t really think much of it. But then he added me on discord which is where all of us talk.and I was just like “oh he must just want to be closer friends maybe?” I still didn’t think much of it. But then he starts dmming me and I found it kinda weird bc we don’t really have a relationship where we need to talk to eachother in private. And then then my worst fear happened he told me that I was really cute. And yeah to most people that would be a complement but to me it’s not. To me it gives me so much anxiety and makes me have a panic attack. To me when someone complements me it’s not just the complement going through my head. I know I am over reacting but u just have to much anxiety it unbearable. I don’t know what to do. He keeps flirting with me and I keep either being dry or leaving him on read. But It wasn’t like this before and I just want it to go back. I’ve only came out to two of my friends and even though I’m comfortable being me I’m not comfortable with everyone knowing I’m ace aro. So I feel like I’m just stuck.
I feel like I can’t tell him that it makes me uncomfortable because then things will be more awkward and the act of talking to him already gives me anxiety.
I feel weird having my friend tell him.
And I feel bad leading him on even though I’m not showing any interest at all.
This whole situation is just very stressful and I know I what I need to do (just be upfront and tell him I’m not interested) but I feel like I mentally can’t do that. Like that if I do tell him my anxiety will take full control and I don’t know what will happen but I can tell it won’t be good. I don’t know if there is even any advice I can get but I guess any tips or anything helps.
Sorry this is so long it just feels hard to explain myself in words.
You've made this far more complicated than it is.
A boy is more attracted to you than you are to him. You sexuality, honestly, is not an issue here. NO ONE is obligated to have a romance with ANYONE. Under ANY circumstances. EVERYONE has to deal with unwanted attention at some point, and learn to deal with it kindly and firmly.
Your sexuality is none of his business, unless you want to engage him in that conversation. You can simply ignore his DMs and not reply. Eventually he will move on. I'm gathering this is an online only group? You will likely never, ever meet him, just like 99% of online relationships never develop into in-person relationships.
Humble bragging is never attractive, so your "I'm so remarkably attractive no one could ever get over me" act can close.
I feel as if the other responses are going a bit too harsh onto you, I feel like they might not fully understand what ace aro means. From what I understand, you have no sexual or romantic attraction towards any gender. Just from that definition, I can completely understand why you are feeling uncomfortable in this situation.
As someone who also experiences anxiety, I can totally empathize with these kinds of feelings.
I personally, would just let him know that you aren't interested, or completely cut-ties (I understand that it can be very difficult avoiding people who are part of your circle, so it is okay if you cannot go down this route). As another response said, you do not owe any explanation to him, you could just simply say something along the lines of "hey, I really don't want to send the wrong message from our recent conversations, but I am not interested in anything other than a friendship. I do appreciate the kind words though." That last bit of the message is up to you to say or not because I know you are ultimately not comfortable with the situation, but you did mention that you didn't want things to awkward, and that part might soothe that transition out a bit.
I also suggest maybe reaching out to a friend within that circle who could also rely the information of disinterest to him?
I hope this helps in any way. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you are doing well! :)
So I actually took your advice and pretty much told him the exact sentence you wrote toadette because I felt it was very well written and didn’t come off as rude. And he actually understood and somehow it made us closer as friends and he opened up to me about things(which is not what I was expecting) he told me he wouldn’t think of my that way anymore and anything in the future is just being friendly. I wanted to say thank you so much and your replies. I’m sorry if it came off as if I was cocky about my looks but that’s not what I meant, I’m not attracted to anyone not even myself so I don’t value anyones looks above or below others.
Oh I am glad I looked back on this forum post. I am so happy to hear it worked out, and even formed a greater bond amongst you two!
Personally, I do not think your message came off as cocky whatsoever, I am not sure how others saw it that way. You can't control the triggers of anxiety and your feelings are 100% valid, I hope you know that.
Anywho... Enjoy the new friendships developed and I wish you a great rest of your day (or night haha) :D