Rough patch in relationship, and not knowing what to do
It’s been almost a whole year now since my partner and I entered into a relationship, even though months prior to that we were already talking and considered each other really good friends. Long story short, I was single for about 8 months before my current partner and I made things official, and I knew going into this relationship that I still wasn’t 100% ready to commit to anything serious (as my last relationship was still taking a toll on my trust issues)
Regardless, I told my partner that and he told me that it was okay, and we could take things slow and there was no rush. Eventually, things did start to pick up pace. I must mention that we, throughout the duration of the relationship including to this day, are in a long distance relationship. Since last spring, I’ve only seen him a total of 2 weeks in person altogether. One week in summer 2021, and one week in January this year. Spending time together in person was probably the healthiest part of our relationship.
However, like most relationships, problems started to arise. I don’t know how much I want to get into the nitty gritty part of the problems (because there’s a LOT of it) but in essence, we seem to have extreme communication problems, and we’ve been on the verge of breaking up more times than I can count at this point. One particular fight I remember, and honestly don’t think I’ll ever forget, he outright told me that he thought about breaking up with me literally every single day. My heart broke, but I tried to move past it, hoping and praying to God that he only said that in the heat of the moment (but he clarified later on that he didn’t, and that he genuinely had meant it).
He described our relationship to be “at a full time crisis”, and a part of me has to admit that it’s true. I’ve never, in my entire experience of dating or entering into relationships, felt as emotionally and mentally unsafe as I do in this one. And maybe he feels the same. When he shares with me the things that feel heavy on his shoulders, he tells me that he’s always in a constant state of depression that he becomes quite numb to sadness or a lot of emotions. Part of the reason why we fight so much about communication is not necessarily because of what is said, but rather how it’s said. I don’t mind talking about pretty much anything, but when there’s a level of emotional detachment, coldness, or even spite when it’s being shared, then yes, I’ll have a problem.
Now you may be wondering why in the hell I’m still with this guy. There are a few reasons, but perhaps the biggest reason being that he is the first guy I’ve told my family about. In my culture, dating and relationships are reserved for later on in life after finishing school first, getting a job, finding a career, etc. My parents were, essentially, every very very strict on that whole thing. Which I didn’t really mind, because none of my previous relationships were serious enough for me to introduce them to my parents anyway.
But this guy. Oh boy. This guy is different. His values in life align with mine, and have even helped shape mine significantly. His intellect scares me (in a good way). He’s extremely thoughtful, reserved, philosophical, and just. He’s a good person, with a wonderful mind and way of thinking. He strives for the good all the time, to the best of his ability. But with that, on the other side of the coin, he can be extremely emotionally unavailable, detached, cold, blunt, harsh, critical, and overall just an unpleasant disposition. It’s hard to share parts of my life with him in fear that he’ll outright reject or invalidate my feelings. He’s admitted to all this, and I’m not just pulling these things out my hat. He told me that he was sorry things had to be this way, but he was trying his best to change that. I am too.
All this tied together, the fighting has been relentless. It’s been months now since I can last remember us being genuinely happy in each other’s company. Even when we do have spend good time together, laugh together, or talk about anything and everything til the early hours of the morning, I can’t help but feel our relationship destabilising, under constant tension and pressure. And I know he feels the same way too.
Now, I just need someone to tell me what they make of the entire situation. I’m frankly confused, frustrated, and fearful. Confused because I don’t know what to do. Frustrated because we’re both trying our absolute best and still it’s not working. And fearful because I don’t want to make the wrong choice (or disappoint my family). We both love each other so damn much, and that’s why it so hard to let go of everything. We’ve fought a long and unwinding battle because we care this much to fix things between us and make things work. We do see a future with eachother, and the long distance between us will eventually come to an end. But for now, I can’t keep on crying myself to sleep, and waking up basically wishing I didn’t at all. The burdens of this relationship are so heavy, and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. I don’t know how many more nights I can handle with all this heaviness before finally snapping under the weight.
If you’ve read this whole thing without clicking out yet, then thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
So. A long distance relationship, with constant fighting, and you have only seen each other for 2 weeks out of the last year?
Sounds like it is time to call it quits.
It's hard to understand just how you guys can have any sort of a successful relationship when you have only spent 2 weeks together. Why would you bother being in any relationship which causes you so much misery. If you're not genuinely happy & the guy doesn't/can't do anything to make you feel secure, then it's time to walk away. Ask yourself if you guys are ever going to fix while you're a LDR.
Forget about making your family happy, you need to be kind to yourself & be happy yourself before you can be any good for anyone or anything else.
Sometimes people look like a good couple on paper but there's something unspoken that's an issue. You've done very little to spend time together, and have no concrete plans or timeline to be together.
I wonder if you're fixated on a long distance fellow to avoid real flesh and blood relationships? Honestly, there aren't huge burdens associated with an electronic boyfriend. You're not accommodating one another on What to have for dinner or what movie to watch. You're not making meals together. You don't actually spend time together. You don't annoy one another because one of you is messy and one is neat. You talk to one another on the internet when it's convenient to both of you.