It’s becoming hard to talk with my friend
I’m going to start off by saying: I love this friend a lot, he means so much to me and I do not want to break off our friendship. What I am looking for here is an outsider’s perspective on our relationship, so I can correctly judge whether or not I should talk to him about it. Also, please let me know if i seem to be the one at fault here, so I can be a better friend to him.
For the sake of convenience, I will call him Kai here. This is not his real name.
I’m going to list a few of the things that have prompted this post.
Kai suffers from a lot of mental illness, including but not limited to severe anxiety and depression. It’s hard to get through a conversation with him without some kind of self deprecating comment. Something as simple as a typo in a texting conversation can cause him to change the conversation topic to how much he hates himself, sometimes even leading to suicidal rants. I can never bring myself to change the topic, as I don’t want to seem like I’m brushing him off. I love him, but it can be really mentally draining sometimes. I’m not trying to say that he should just “stop being depressed”, because I know that’s absolutely absurd, but sometimes I wish that we could have more lighthearted conversations, like we used to do. It seems like all of our longer interactions end with me desperately trying to comfort him as he talks about hating himself, no matter the starting topic. It’s really hard to hear him talk about himself like that all of the time.
Another thing is that Kai’s stopped talking to me very much since he got a boyfriend (Who I’ll call Sunshine). I understand the importance of him spending time with his partner, but sometimes I feel as though he’s been straight up ignoring me in favor of Sunshine. It’s not as though his boyfriend has been trying to isolate Kai, either. I’ve talked to Sunshine a number of times, and he’s genuinely a really nice guy, not to mention a really great partner to Kai. However, Kai doesn’t spend any time with me anymore, and seems to expect that we’ll stay best friends. I feel like he expects our relationship to never deteriorate despite how much he forgets about me. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting when he ditches me in the one class we have together, just to spend time with Sunshine, who he shares most of his classes with. I don’t think I’ve had a proper conversation with him in person for weeks, and it’s not for a lack of trying on my part. He’s just always preoccupied with someone else, unless he has a problem that I can solve.
Am I the jerk here? Should I be trying harder to support him?
Am I just making a big deal out of nothing?
Do I need to talk to him about it?
I’m not really sure what to do… I know I haven’t given much info on the situation, but if somebody could just tell me if I’m the problem or if I need to talk with him about it. I’m just worried that he’ll feel worse about himself if I do anything, and I really don’t want to hurt him.
Yeah, you're making a big deal out of nothing. This guy's your friend, not your lover. He has a partner whom he priorities over you which is the way it should be. Otherwise step back & have a look at your reactions to Kai just being with his partner, what's it telling you?
A true friend's support is often silent but it's always there when needed but also, a true friend just gets on with their own life without looking over shoulders.
That makes sense, thank you for telling me. I’ll take that into account and try to stop worrying about it.
I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, nor do I want to be in one, and I don’t really understand a lot of what comes with it. Sorry if I seemed a bit possessive or anything, it really helps to have someone else’s perspective so I can try and do better.
Be there for them when and if they reach out.support is a good thing to share with your friend.you have to give him space for his new relationship