Am I being unreasonable with my partner regarding money?
Hello everyone- this is my first post so please bear with me! Just a bit of background, I've been with my partner for just over eight years, and I love her to pieces. After we were both stuck in an expensive part of the country on not so good paying jobs, in the last year I moved for a decent job, and she moved with me, and now we're in a better position to finally look at buying our first house- something we both talked about in depth and something I've been saving for since I was 16 (and now in my mid 20s!).
Either way, I'm worried I'm starting to be unreasonable with my partner. To clarify, we both have decent jobs now, and I earn slightly more than she does. Currently we split bills/rent evenly, agreed on different amounts to save (so I save more, she saves less proportionate to our job income), and whatever is left in our individual accounts is what we have left- anything from everyday essentials, to DIY to leisure. We obviously had the discussion when we moved back nearly a year ago that we'd watch our spending for a year- so when we saved to finally afford a house here, it'd be easier for us to get a mortgage. Obviously with everything going up in the UK, we had this conversation again very recently that we really needed to watch it, to make sure we can get by and still get our mortgage. There was acknowledgement on both sides that we might have to make a couple sacrifices for the short term- nothing much just reducing take outs/meals out, saving a bit more, trying to do free things when we go out more often, saving for additional things rather than buying outright etc etc.
The problem is, I found out two days ago my partner hasn't been doing this. First I got back from a long business trip, and we just had an offer accepted on a house so I was immediately trying to sort paperwork before we lost the house! We were talking, and suddenly she started getting defensive about her savings when I asked what she had towards the solicitor/mortgage advisor costs (to clarify, I'm covering savings for the deposit, she's covering additional costs because I've had the chance to save for a lot longer). She said
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No, you're not being unreasonable. The agreement was to save for the house, you've discovered it isn't happening. So, if you don't have the money you need, you may lose this opportunity to buy this house. A serious talk is in order. The two of you aren't on the same page. Only you can determine if you want to continue your relationship, knowing her money philosophy will impact things like home ownership.
You don't mention marriage, and many people (me included) would caution you to be very, very careful buying a home with someone without being married to her. Dividing things in a divorce is hellish, dividing it when you've never been married is worse. You don't feel strongly enough to make a legal commitment. Why buy a house together if you don't have that trust?
You mentioned "saving for additional things rather than buying outright." Did you mean to say "saving for things rather than using credit and going into debt?"
One thing to discuss: perhaps owning a home is more important to you than it is to her. If that is the case, and you have no plans to marry, I guess you could save on your own, and have a house in your name only. In my youth, I had a boyfriend who grew up in apartments and never wanted the hassle and responsibility of owning a home. He died last fall - having lived in apartments his whole life, just like he intended. I married someone who wanted to have a house of our own. And I can empathize with you. The man-friend I have since I became a widow made different decisions throughout his life has no savings and lost his home to foreclosure a couple years ago. We live in MY house. If or when we move, it will be because *I* have the funds to finance it. The deed will likely be in my name only. As two people living together, there is his money and my money. If we were to marry, I fear there would be endless arguments over 'our' money. I'd say the reason we haven't married (he's asked) is because we have very different money philosophies.