Alone for life
1st time here and discussing my issues because i just can't take it anymore.
I am a 51 year old male. I am a 20+ year law enforcement officer, married with 2 children. My kids are doing great. I come from an educated middle-upper class family and live in a very nice neighborhood/home along with my 82 yr old mother. I love to golf, jog, fish, ride my bicycle, and watch baseball. My other interests include reading, traveling, collecting baseball cards, music, watching netflix/amazon/etc...I used to collect action figures and comics from my childhood. I have a fair amount of friends and do the typical guy stuff like hang out and drink beer, go to sporting events, golf with the boys, and camping. I see myself very well rounded and even love all kinds of music from 80's metal to smooth jazz to R&B to classic rock to modern rock and all things in-between so all in all i feel i'am a very well rounded somewhat interesting individual. I cook, clean, pay the bills, and take care of my responsibilities including taking care of my elderly mother. I am no Adonis, but I am somewhat athletic and decent looking i suppose.
My relationship background is that my first EVER girlfriend happened when i was 22 years old (1993). First time holding hangs, first time kissing and of course losing my virginity. The relationship ended (not by my choice) when i got her pregnant about 4 months later (what a loser) and i had my daughter when i was 23 yrs old (she is now 28). I vowed then to be a good single father and try not to get involved in any toxic relationships or any relationships for that matter for the benefit of my daughter. I guess you can call it ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY. About 9-10 years later i couldn't help it and met my current wife. After dating about 2 years we got married and had my son who is now 15 yrs old. Due to what i see as my wife's issues, long story short, we haven't had sex since '09 (13 years). We haven't even touched as she sleeps in the living room. As the months and years go by i have grown more and more bitter and sometime create tension so she leaves me. As it is now we do absolutely nothing together and I don't really even talk to her and have been disgusted for many years now.
Reflecting on my life i have been very lonely. If i take into account all the years i have had meaningful companionship it has only been about 5 years of my ENTIRE life. In high school, in my 20's, half of my 30's and all of my 40's i've been alone except for the kids. I do a lot of my activities alone like fishing and golf and although it is sometimes relaxing i do long for companionship. It's really not all about the missing sex in my life. It's not as if i haven't taken chances with girls. I can remember 5 other females in my life (mostly during high school and college) other than my daughter's mother whom i have had massive heartache for all of which have rejected me in the end. These are girls i wanted a relationship with but was ultimately rejected. It's not as if i haven't tried to create relationships.
I know everyone will tell me to get divorced and i agree 100% but the issue even if i divorce my wife i will still be alone. I am not one to go "looking" for love. I go about my daily life and if i meet someone then so be it but i feel it will still never happen. I am not one to go to bars and such to meet people as i did when i was younger. I was so afraid that my 1st girlfriend broke up with me was i knew deep down it was going to be years before i met someone. That turned out to be true until i met my current wife in '03 almost 10 yrs later.
Now as i reach my 50's, I constantly think of my life's loneliness and sometimes find myself wallowing in my depression. I day dream a lot and think of traveling to exotic places and doing random fun things with some fictitious significant other to ease the pain. I am also desperate to get a puppy for companionship. My lifelong friends know my situation his about me and although they say nothing i know they look at me as if something is wrong. All my friends have been in multiple relationships, some worked out and some didn't but all have had 10x the experience i've had through their lives. I am not sure what i am looking for by posting this only that i needed to get this out of my head and maybe look for some words of wisdom or something. I don't know really what i am looking for. I know the only person who can do something about this is me so i am not looking for answers really. Maybe i am, I don't know.
Thank you for allowing me to vent.
Well, no, bars aren't the answer and weren't 10 or 20 years ago, either. Marriage-minded women (even relationship-minded) aren't hanging out in bars looking for men. I would think that a divorce would at least free you from the moral responsibility of being a partner to your wife.
I got on fine with my MIL, but I would have wanted to live in my own home. I wonder what effect living with your mother has had on your marriage. Not every woman WANTS to live with her mother-in-law. I wonder if that's what some of her 'issues' stem from (you've conveniently avoided mentioning them) Most women would find it stifling. Not everyone's social, but how comfortable was your wife in having friends over - in her MIL's house? How comfortable is your SON in having his friends over to visit? Do you have your friends over?
To be honest, I would be hesitant to date a man who had never been willing to move out of Mommy's house. That's not to say it would never happen. Some people couple up and never live together, and continue to date happily.
You have hobbies: women play golf, they fish, and bicycle and jog. It's an election year, is there a cause/party you believe in? There's plenty of ways to meet and get to know other people, especially now with Covid kind-of waning. If you *refuse* to look for partnership, that's on YOU, buddy.
I can feel your loneliness in your writing. But setting up the living arrangement you have, I'm not sure I'm surprised.
Firstly BUDDY, our home is a duplex. My mother lives on the left side of our home and we live on the right. The ONLY thing we share is the washer dryer that is on my mom's side patio area. There is no shared space other than that. We even have our own garage. Separate entrances. We can easily go on forever without ever talking to my mother or having interactions with her but of course i will never do that. Just making a point. FYI my mother is somewhat healthy but she as hip issues and is totally lost in doing anything because my father did all the finances and bills and he passed 3 yrs ago from cancer.
Secondly, just to let you know we live on an island and median home prices EASILY $700-$800 and that's for a fixer-upper in a bad neighborhood. Many many locals live in their parents or relatives old home and it is NOT at all looked down upon. I am the only son and one reason i did not buy a home was i knew eventually we would have to move back to help take care of them. Our home is in a cul-de-sac of owner occupied homes, flat land, in the BEST school district on the island and very close to my work place. We did major renovations to upgrade things and create a LEGAL duplex which we now carry a mortgage on not to mention all other bills.
My wife situation is not why i wrote this but to explain she's lived with her parents or her ex-boyfriends parents her whole life and never paid rent, leased anything or had a mortgage. I HAVE paid rent, had another mortgage before we moved back with my parents. She is VERY VERY spoiled which is kinda part of the problem so she actually doesn't mind living with my mother. In fact she lived with both my parents when my dad was alive and had no problem with the living arrangements. If we divorced she would move right into her parents house, let her father do everything for her, and stay there until death if she doesn't get remarried. She is also a bitch and not known to be "sweet". She doesn't even talk to my mother. My son's baseball teammates and his best friend who lives next door sleep over our home all the time.
So BUDDY i hope i didn't come across as I REFUSE to look for a relationship, its just that i am just saying i am NOT actively looking. It's not something i am consciously trying to do. I am not scared to approach a woman or make conversation BUT I AM NOT going to the market just to LOOK for fresh meat!! Bars and such was just an example i used. I didn't mention it in my original post because it is not why i posted this but, i am presently having SOMETHING with a co-worker but i have to realize she is married and seems happily so. We text often and long and she brings me a lot of gifts. I also give her food and other things at work. There seems to be a playful flirt but i just don't know where i stand with her because she is such a nice person. I really really like her but maybe think this is unrequited love as it has been so for most of my love interests.
I only have what you posted to go on.
You've now decided to have an emotional connection to a married woman, *which you know is likely to go nowhere.* This is a choice. You have decided to put your romantic energy in this direction, rather than free yourself and find someone in a position to reciprocate. An amateur shrink might conclude you don't want to make a commitment, which is why you've chosen a married woman. And staying married yourself gives YOU an out, if you want one. If she gets too involved, you can turn around and say, well cheating on your wife isn't right.
Marrying your wife was a choice. You paint yourself as a victim. You make choices. I can't imagine why you were attracted to your wife, to the point of marrying her. Was it "everyone else is married, I should be too?" It was still a choice, not some accident that happened to you.
Glad your home is so lovely, I guess. I had no idea law enforcement salaries were so good. Police around here aren't living in houses that nice.
YOU said you live with your mother, Officer. No need to jump ugly because I took you at your word.
the whole point of my original post was to get things off my chest. my wife, my mother, and this new person doesn’t have anything to do with my personal loneliness. You assume a lot. I am an LEO but NOT a cop. Demographics and life where i live is a bit different from where i assume you live but it still has nothing to do with my loneliness which basically started in high school. i didn’t choose this new person. It just happened and there is really nothing going at all but friendship. Thanks for all the sarcastic wise ass remarks. i think this has left a bitter taste in my mouth and i should have known this leaves me vulnerable. Find it a little rude to be called BUDDY
Your wife and the new person absolutely have something to do with your loneliness. You chose to marry someone who sounds pretty dreadful, the relationship has deteriorated and that IS the partial cause of your loneliness. But, you chose her, and you're choosing to stay.
You're entering into a weird, undefined relationship with a colleague who is married, by your own estimation, happily. You could divorce, you could put the same energy in to meeting new people as you're putting into this 'thing' whatever it is, but you choose not to. These aren't random hurts the universe or whatever is hurling your way. These are actions you're taking in your life, and actions have consequences.
But if you just wanted to vent that you're the most lonely, most unfortunate individual in the world and you're doomed to die alone, well, mission accomplished. And none of this is sarcasm, I genuinely feel badly for you, but you refuse to see yourself as an active agent in your own life. Your attitude is that everything 'just happens.'