My husband is cheating. . .again
This is my first time on here. I don't have anyone I can talk to about my husband. I find myself in a situation that I'm too ashamed to even confide in those I love and I just need some fresh eyes. My husband is cheating again. We've been together about 15 years and from day one he's had secret relationships with other women. How many of them he's actually slept with I don't know but it's generally the emotional betrayal that is the worst anyways. I don't want to go into a whole backstory but the last time I thought would be the last time. I try to leave him and he cries and begs and argues until I just can't talk about it anymore. He's emotionally abusive and controlling in other ways as well - the worst of which gets put upon our daughter.
He knows I'm not happy with him and I don't want to be us. For the last several years I'm in it because of my girl and he acts like he wants to regain my trust and be better for both of us but - if I go near his phone he jumps out of his skin. So when he left it unnattended the other day I checked it. I hadn't checked it in maybe a year or more. I really wasn't interested in knowing anymore. But I did and now i know. Messages from the same woman he was seeing the last time and this time it looks like he deletes every few messages.
So I thought, this is it, the last straw, I finally don't have to be in this anymore. But then we're in the middle of getting ready to throw him a party the same day so do I call everyone up and cancel? no - I just go on as if I don't know and nothing's changed. Nothing really has changed. He's still a cheating liar that I cohabitate with and tolerate.
How did I get here? It's not so easy to blow your life up. I think the hardest part would be loosing my partner. THe person I can rely on to pick up my kid when I'm sick, to make dinner, to help organize the house. I don't want to do it all alone but I realize that's not a very good reason to stay together. But also, He'll remarry in 6 months and I will be alone forever. So I feel like this is my choice. Make it harder on myself or continue to cohabitate with a bold faced liar whom I generally try and avoid.
Can someone offer me some perspective?
As a man, if my wife cheated one time I would divorce her no matter how much I care about her. No matter the pain Me and my children might endure because the trust is gone. It can never be the same after betrayal IMO.. but that’s me and I realize others may be able to pick up the pieces but I cannot.
It sounds like he’s a serial cheater and no matter what he says action speaks louder than words no matter what you have experienced he continues to cheat and his promises are worthless.
Easier said than done , but I recommend you cut your losses and move on. If you need someone to talk to reach out to me.
As NiceGuy2022 has offered to be your confidante-advisor (isn't he lovely :-)), I'll just add my two-pennethworth:
"I don't have anyone I can talk to about my husband." (IT'S CALLED ISOLATION)
"and from day one he's had secret relationships with other women." (HIS CHEATING COMES FROM THE DISEASE WITHIN HIM, NOT AS A REACTION TO YOU AND WHO YOU ARE, AND WHAT YOU ARE OR AREN'T DOING RIGHT/WRONG)
"How many of them he's actually slept with I don't know" (WHEREAS YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD)
(AND YET IF) " I try to leave him and he cries and begs and argues" (DESPITE HIS BEHAVIOUR SAYS I DON'T LOVE YOU, EFF-OFF)
"but the last time I thought would be the last time." (BECAUSE HE PROMISED - AND YOU ULTIMATUM-ED HIM - I'M BETTING)
"He's emotionally abusive and controlling in other ways as well - the worst of which gets put upon our daughter." HE HAS NO PATERNAL BOND OR TABOOS, HE'S A BULLY WHO PICKS ON ANYONE (HE THINKS) IS WEAKER THAN HIM OR CAN BE WEAKENED BY SURREPTITIOUS BULLYING AND THEN BULLIED IN THE OPEN
The reason for the last one is this: he has no problem with this set-up...it works for him...he can behave like a cheating bully behind closed doors and get away with it because YOU are a decent, impressive woman so by association, he becomes more admirable, far less suspect, ...he appropriates YOUR good status and reputation. Basically he looks normal when he SO ISN'T.
He's a malignant narcissist.
And they shag ANY gender to get what they want in the short-term or socially climb. It won't have just been women, I reckon.
And he never did love you - obvious by his actions since BEFORE you said I Do. Trust me, he didn't suddenly start cheating the minute you tied the knot. By the nature of his personality disorder, he cannot tolerate the thought of being alone nor cope on his own. He's a parasite. He's hooked a woman and set-up that makes him look like a regular husband and father as a disguise for his DISGUSTING nature (which he can't fix because to get that way means he had that self-healing, even introspecting skill shocked or knocked out of him).
People always think the biggest sign of a predator is something eery, scary, violent, etc. Uh-uh. CONSISTENTLY BAD AND/OR INADEQUATE BEHAVIOUR WHICH, INSTEAD OF APOLOGISED SINCERELY FOR AND CEASED WHEN CAUGHT-OUT, BEING MET INSTEAD BY TRYING TO GET YOU TO PITY THEM, IS THE NO. 1 WARNING SIGN....which until now, you weren't to know. When our pity is triggered, we are disarmed...which includes being able to stand-up for ourselves at all or properly.
You're a sucker for the underdog (well done!...but not with Cluster B personalities, please) so it works.
THAT IS WHY HE TURNS ON THE TEARS. It pushes your buttons, the ones that make you put your important anger guns back in their holsters and get out the rusks and tissues. Understand? It's mercenary manipulation of your mind so that you'll do what he wants and not what you vitally need (which is, NOT HIM, EVER AGAIN).
He's a bully who pretends to be a healthy, decent man and he's a player who pretends he's married with kids. Or as Susie put it - a con-man - of the domestic variety.
You and Philip Schofield's wife have quite a bit in common.
Ultimately, though, you're going to have to just leave him and worry about dealing with your emotions afterwards. Because he's abusing your daughter, his own baby. And the latest research findings are inequivocal: being whatever way abused by your parent - particularly if opposite-gender parent - ruins the kid's life. FOR LIFE. Get her away from him QUICK.
NiceGuy will help you and if he needs my help, he can just post so.
HOWEVER, I do advise you go on the web to find out which specific type of personality-disorder-level Narc he is. On the sociopathic side (broken, out-of-order, once-human-now-machine by behaviour/culture of parents/peers/...) is plain Narcissist (being loved by them hurts, annoys, frustrates, etc.).... then malignant Narcissist (don't love, can't love, won't love, nasty-nasty, but usually only emotionally during normal situations).... then the king: Sociopath (ugh!). They CAN love you, but only like a kid loves ice-cream, and, anyway, just because they love you and you're their wife, that doesn't mean if you leave your purse on the side you don't deserve to have him nick it (or any variation of that theme)...basically they seethingly hate you while being obsessively in-love (with the ice-cream of you). Plus, their disease is so severe it spills out onto the street so they're petty crims, tax dodgers...all of that. ALL of the socio narcs are hot-heads, except for those who've lived long enough to decide it's better to go more cleverly and subtly (the Covert). But usually, the sociopath or malig narc can switch between the two or have both styles running simultaneously, whereby you're reacting to them slapping your face while unaware of the fact that they slapped it so you would't notice the worse thing they're up to....smoke-screen. ...And lots more - but all behaving pretty much the exact same, including the things they say and how they react. HENCE, very easy to diagnose once you've experienced and studied up on them enough.
The malig Narc and Socio will both bully you for the fun and ego-feeding satisfaction of it. But it's the hot-head Socio with the Psycho severity (but not the brains) who can (emphasis on can) get so over-furious that he kills you when you announce you're leaving and then prove you are. So you have to follow the Leaving A Sociopath safety list (not difficult...it's not hard to be cleverer than them, once your blindfold's off I should add).
Then we have the cousin - the Psychopath (born like it, could have been a good one - e.g. fireman, surgeon - but again, got mentally broken). Usually interested in loftier scams than behind closed romantic doors...like sliming their charming way into Russian presidency, innit. These ones are genii. Or would be if never broken. Broken, they're stupid and self-destructive in a really slickly clever way (woohoo!).
Basically they ALL got broken, and depending on the type of personality they were - perhaps a really extreme one, you end up with those qualities turned to the nasty, the stupid, the negative in extremis. They get set to VERY slow self-destruct and INSIST on 'shooting' everyone else and INSIST on having company or someone as a cover, before finally shooting themselves.
Anyway, protect your daughter like you should and normally would...chuck him out immediately (after checking he's not a potentially dangerous Sociopath). If you don't get her to safety and protect the quality of and her ability to cope as an adult for rest of her life as soon as possible, you're in danger of her ending up broken for life too. It's how it works. In other words, get your daughter out of that boiling water if you want her not to be scarred all over past the point of the ability for her body (this case, her mind) to self-heal. Don't let him destroy your daughter as well. Damage-limit and you can not only reverse all of the damage, but end up in a FAR better place than had you stayed.
I know it's like this "It's not so easy to blow your life up." I've had to do it twice, and helped (too many) others. But it's like Razing the ground of an orchard. It recovers and is better than before.
You'll be surprised to find how much EASIER your life is, and right away. No more monkey on your back, slowing you down or stopping you or just messing everything up all the time your back's turned, and DAILY KNACKERING YOU OUT!
I'd do it a third time. Because nothing bad happened. The OPPOSITE to bad happened. It's all an illusion, including your imagined fears of being divorced. One they encourage (so you're too scared to leave). These bozos are the reason why Divorce Parties are so the rage these days. At whatever inevitable point - you WILL feel like celebrating like you've never celebrated before!
But I repeat: if he's starting on your daughter (because it doesn't work well enough done just to you) then you could risk losing her to social services if you don't remove her at your very first opportunity (sorry). The only marital set-up worth preserving for the sake of one's child is the normal and healthy one - so that she can learn all the normal and healthy dance steps rather than attract and put-up with a "husband" (woman-hating life-stealer) like yours. If you stay an Nth time, you'll be knowingly leaving her tied to main line train tracks.
Kicking him out just FEELS hard - and only before you go and actually do it. And then you realise it was always that easy and wish you'd done it years ago. (That's life for!)
Anyhoo, that was more than 2 penneth-worth so I'll hand you back to NiceGuy2022 now.
PS: You will NOT be alone forever! And his next relationship will get blown-up almost immediately (you'll have thrown him off his game, see), which will (if you're strong and cold towards him enough) tip him into Haywire mode, which will be witnessable even outside-of-doors.
I've spent the last ucking 5 years fending OFF interested parties!
It's nothing to do with what you want or what he wants - or don't want. Nor looks, money, or anything else man-made. Chemistry is the thing in control. You feel a spark because you've crossed paths with a chap with compatible chemistry aaand...
A woman in your position I knew, shaved off her hair, started wearing dungarees...basically trying to AVOID another relationship after she divorced her Narc (and found she loved being single and needed that ease and peace), by pretending to be a lesbian. Convincing one, she was, as well! Still met a bloke at a pub, couple of years later, and - ZING! No more shaved hair and dungas for her.
You only end up alone forever if you bust a gut trying to keep them away! LOL
Are you busy surfing the web right now or too busy hiding under the bed from that seemingly Most Scary decision and action?
Let us help you leave him and save your daughter from a shrunken or ruined life, against her truer potential, as well as improve your life and state of mind (while you can still climb a flight of stairs).
Leaving is not irreversible (not with a Narc - you can con THEM back any time you like too, if you know how!).
It takes the average victim seven attempts. How many in total beyond the above-stated have you made, be they just strong mental desires or however partway acted on (suitcases packed, e.g.)?
Do your research online: "Idealize....Devalue....Discard" (or Fake Discard - threats to leave you, and leave you penniless (hah!, HE wishes!).
The Family Court is on your side, too (now, finally).
Or just say if you're really not ready...haven't girded your loins sufficiently yet - and we'll switch to how to manage him (his constantly starving, bottomless-pit ego) and keep him off your daughter in the meantime.
PS: You're the one with all the power, HENCE his need to drip-drip knock that idea out of you by chipping chunks off your ego with the worst, most shocking and paralysing relationship emotional crime known to man, and then, because THAT hasn't worked (you um very strong squaw), going for your Achilles Heel (causing constant, maternal, HIGH LEVEL distress at not having the usual wherewithall to protect your baby from a monster).
You realise he IS a monster? A deformity of Nature?
PPS: Say NOTHING to him about what you're feeling like doing! KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY - INCLUDING THIS BROWSER PAGE. Think Cold War and he's a Russian Spy to your MI5.