New relationship - olde anxiety and depression
Hello, as the title of this thread says i just started dating someone a few months ago (6 aprox). this person is one of a kind to me. ive never met someone like this and that fact is making me very happy and scares me aswell. But i want to make it short, so since i know myself and have been doing therapy for quite a while i know whats happening to me right now.
So basically im a very insecure person. like a lot of other women ive dealt with physical features that i dont like about myself for a long time and cant seem to overcome that. that gets inhanced by my selfworth that is the lowest ever (i feel like at the moment) and general constant stress from past trauma ( i am very bad at getting rid of stress) and also i am a gambling addict (maybe a bit unusual for a woman, but that has been my go-to when i needed comfort and to say bye from reality for a period of time).
I have a therapist, i actually just switched to a new one, simply because it was time to move on and the new one is specialized in gambling addiction.
Typically how it is with me is that i like to be in relationships and with men that i know will adore me. That in itself is maybe not the best strategy, but thats what i do. its safe. So i pick guys that i connect with and have a good time with regarding same interests etc but deep down i know if i was to lose weight, overcome some of my insecurities, i could do better. That wasnt the case with my boyfriend, not fully i think.
I havent dated for 5 years, was dealing with grief from a parent dying and was very depressed and wasnt taking care of myself. and at one point ive decided to do online dating, i felt like it was the right time to leave the stagnation that i have been experiencing in the past and start working on what i really want for my future, which is a family, so a s.o. and kids - in my eyes a happy life and all that matters at the end. ive met my boyfriend, we connected, wrote online for some months, did videochats and at some point started seeing eachother and it felt right. he is younger then me, so maybe the following is the reason for that but it seems to me that he does not (naturally) have the same bagage as me. which feels both amazing and weird to me - because i for sure read a lot into certain behaviors - on one hand because of my life experience (instinct) but on the other hand i feel like i am spiraling sometimes due to me not being able to deal with stress too good.
we now have been living together for 2 months. we said we wanted to do a trial run to see how that would work, so i still have my flat. we have the same cultural background, so moving in together and talking about marriage that soon is not unusual, but ive been living in the west a lot longer than he is so this is my first time doing all of that this quick and also experiencing someone talking about this things and with this certainty this quick. it feels good.
i have to say that its very intriguing to me. i felt like he was it. he was very caring, very loving, showed a lot of affection. i came full circle and ended up where i really belonged. it does feel faithed sometimes.
so what had happened is that here and there we had some misunderstandings and some getting to know eachother to do. that is all normal. when misunderstandings arose he wanted to talk about it and i am not used to sharing my feelings or insecurities, but ive kicked myself and talked about all of that. i opened up, got emotional (which i tipically try not to do) and his responds was always "thank you for sharing, i understand and i will work on this and that" i did have to tell him "this is what i like, this is ok and this not in a relationship" - i am his first adult relationship.
i am now at a point, kind of distressed and not thinking rationally, that i feel like its backfiring. me opening up, showing some insecurties is backfiring on me. i am on one hand very perceptive but on the other i know that i can overthink and spiral into insecurities and here is where i would appreciate some advice.
i have the feeling that me taking a bit longer to open up and sitting in certain moods has straigned our relationship a bit. there is less "i love you"s and a little less talking about the future. that is kind of making me feel even worse. i need some help in getting rid of the cloud that is over my head. id like to be able to for example leave the flat with him, go on a date without feeling so insecure and thinking he is looking at other women. its that bad atm. its a heavy cloud over my head. and i am aware that this is stress. i am aware that i need to take a chill pill but id appreciate some insight from someone who can relate and maybe overcame this kind of feeling.
thank you for taking the time to read this.
He sounds like a decent guy to me, you have things in common, sounds like the same morals and it’s sounds like he’s care and listens to you instead of dismissing your feelings.
So what is it you are afraid of? Breaking up because you have got a good relationship? If it is then I think those are quite normal feelings.
There probably are going to be misunderstandings, more so because you’re living together. You’re both in each others space a lot and your both learning to live with each other. You might do things differently to him.
It probably is going to feel weird and uncomfortable if opening up to him when you struggle to do that and that will come with practise.
When you go out with him on a date night with him, it sounds like your really listening to your insecure thoughts and you get quite anxious and he’s looking at other women. Challenge these thoughts. Is he really looking at other women? Our thoughts aren’t always true facts.
Sounds like things went quite quickly if you’ve only been dating 6 months. But you’ve kept your flat which sensible. Maybe he is slowly it down a little with the ‘I love yous’ and ‘talk about the future’, which is ok btw! For the moment, just live in the moment :-)