Friendship fall out
I’m curious to know if I have reacted far too sensitively.
My colleague, who I work with every day, we have developed a close friendship over the last few years. He recently said he doesn’t message much outside of work anymore because his connection with me is always at work , therefore us messaging is like hearing from work. I thought and apparently meant more than that. He’s always said we have a solid friendship. I was very hurt and offended by this comment. Am I just too touchy ?
Nope, you’re being too touchy, it was an insensitive thing to say I think. Especially since over the last few years you built up a friendship with him and you thought it was a good/close one. You also put he’s always said ‘you have a solid friendship’, so he thought the same.
you both used messaged each other quite a bit by the sounds of it, but (recently) he’s been doing it less and hes come out with, he doesn’t message you as much because his connection with you is work… it sounds like an excuse to me. Something has happened to make him say this and I don’t think he’s being honest with you. If he likes to keep his work life and personal life separate (some people probably do or have to) then you’d think he’d make that obvious and say straight away?
People meet and make friends from all sorts of places, and that doesn’t mean you can’t continue have a good friendship and message each other outside of those places. I don’t work, yet, but I think if I said the same thing to one of my uni friends, they’d probably be offended or think it was an odd comment.
Does he like his job ? when you did message each other was it about work a lot or about other stuff? Does he have a gf who might not like him texting you outside of work? Does he know your hurt by what he said and how has he been with you since?
If you guys share a solid friendship, then there's no reason why you can't talk to this guy & ask him what he means by his comment. Make sure you tell him direct why you're feeling hurt about his message. There's a reason why you're feeling touchy and a reason why you're sensitive about it all.
Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. Definitely right about me asking him outright what he meant. It came across to me like I amounted to less than had always been said. You both are spot on with what you said.
Think his actual words were something like “ all my time that I’m with you Is during work so it’s like a reminder of work. He knows I wasn’t over joyed about this comment , but he thinks I’m looking too deep in to it , that I’m too sensitive 🤷♀️ Thanks guys
How are things between you both at the moment, is it awkward or have you managed to still be friends?
We have slipped back to normal. He def cares. It was just perhaps a thoughtless thing for him to say. Apparently he worded it wrong. I always end up doubting myself and thinking I’ve over reacted in situations. So I was interested to see if I was being too touchy in other peoples opinions
You were NOT being over-sensitive - he was being rude and behaving as if you and he, all of a sudden, were never friends to the undeniable depth you were.
So this friend - without any warning or seeming explanation - can suddenly turn cold, rude and hostile toward you, can he?
And when you yell, OW!, blames you for having an inordinately sensitive toe, rather than acknowledging the fact that he stomped hard on it, and apologising, does he?
If he cared or ever had, he wouldn't have allowed himself to do that.
Because it's Gaslighting.
And by the fact you've accepted you were being too sensitive, you've acquiesced over your being the problem, have you?
Then it's worked.
RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!
NARCISISTIC ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOURS PRESENT!
PROCEED WITH THE UTMOST OF CAUTION!
Narcissists would like you to believe that how you react to their maltreatment or downright abuse is what has caused the problem, rather than the fact they mistreated or downright abused you in the first place. TICK!
Narcissists rev their victims up into a state of expecting whatever events/benefits as have become a Couples habit now intrinsic to the relationship/friendship (like, for example, expecting to be contacted each day at 8pm), before then, not only dropping the behaviour without warning or explanation, but treating their now, rightfully complaining teammate as unreasonable for complaining as well as for having formed that behavioural expectation in the first place. It's called Intermittent Reinforcement as part of Truama Bonding (them forcing you into becoming obsessed with them so you'll act like a fawning Fan and Yes Woman).
Their excuses include their having lost their eloquence, all of a sudden for some inexplicable reason. Even despite they've never made any such error before today (how odd!).
What explains this whole production is this - and one of the clues is the fact in his saying that BECAUSE you and he are just colleagues, he sees you only as part of work...which translates more simply to this:
I was never wanting to be your friend. I merely thought I was in with a chance, romantically, if I pretended for long enough that I was your bud. That seems not to have worked. So I'm out.
He isn't, though. This is a Treat Her Mean To Make Her Keen tack. The clue there is in the relative nastiness and coldness, for it having been wholly unnecessary and not generally something you hear from a man who's evidently employable enough to have a long-term job. Or does he whoops-a-daisy, regularly insult his CLIENTS like that? Clearly not, hence he's not been fired long before today. (How queer!)
He's playing SAVED YA!...where you're stood on a cliff-edge, admiring the view, when he grabs your shoulders as he jolts you forwards as if to push you off, terrifying you, before in the same motion pulling you back to safety again. Or in this case - your "relationship" is the one at the cliff-edge.
That you showed YOU cared - enough to notice and complain - has given him hope that maybe he CAN get you into bed, after all. A fact made more likely by having shown you what life would be like without him as your (not) Friend and thereby forcing you to feel that much keener thus that much more likely to agree to start having sex with him lest he end the friendship again, and this time permanently.
He's a player. Or, worse, a narcissist (whose tactics immature players copy). As I say - Proceed with the utmost of caution (and gen up on it on the web).
And there was you, thinking it was just a few, TINY little icebergs underneath that visible group of even tinier, white tips. Not from where I'm standing, they aren't. They're big-uns. Hence I'm sounding the bell for you to SLOW RIGHT DOWN so you can either manoeuvre unscathed around them or not suffer any major impact and damage to your hull if you do scrape against any.
Sloooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwly does it.
I have friends at work....and I have friends in my private life lol. I usually only talk to my "work friends" if it is about work.
Sounds legit to me lol
Hmm I’ve been thinking about this post. Then I read Soulmate reply and it makes sense ! Gaslighting.
It must of been really hard to slip back into normal? I mean has it really? I think you’re ‘friends’ comment must of changed the friendship. It’s not an easy thing to forget or forgive. Not when he's led you on for a few years.
he’s basically said to you, you think too deeply, you’re too sensitive, get over it. Nice. There is nothing wrong with questioning or thinking deeply, when someone has said something to you thats hurt you. Shows intelligence to me!
‘Apparently he worded it wrong’ - er there is no nice way to put what he said, not with it being hurtful.
Personally I would keep my distance...
I admit - it IS subtle and easily missed. But that's precisely why Gaslighting is so dangerous. Because it goes under your radar - or because it doesn't, meaning, now you have to make excuses for them in order to make what they did and said make sense (for fear of the unresolved mystery having the potential to hurt your mind even more and for longer than the original insult) - OR because no-one else noticed so you can't get your experience validated anywhere...Because of either of those, you literally are defenseless against having your normal trust in and reliance on your previously perfectly fine perceptions and judgement (and, this case, grasp of basic English, including semantics (ffs)) completely bit-by-bit eroded. You end up so indecisive and unsure over what did or didn't actually occur within any interactive event (because maybe you ARE paranoid, too sensitive, blah-blah), that you become increasingly likely to believe their lies and falsehoods rather than try to work it out by yourself (and get it wrong again).
You start to rely on THEIR fabricated version of how things are, how they really happened, what they mean or don't mean, ...how sh*t you in fact are, who secretly dislikes you and gossips about you behind your back so has to go, blah-blah, lies-lies....all the way to having to hand them control over your finances and assets ("because you're not capable" and need saving from yourself etc.).
And, voila, you're brainwashed. And voting for Trump and Johnson, lol.
It's a bona fide, (unlawful) terrorist interrogation and torture technique, in fact...part of what causes PTSD (the, we now know, slightly lesser cousin of CPTSD). An' no' a lo' o' people know that.
It's why malignant narcs and psychopaths are called Emotionally - or in this case, Psychologically Dangerous.
PS: Personally, I'd push him off a cliff. Only it's not allowed, LOL.
Wow thsnk you for such time , thought and effort in to my replies on this. It’s so interesting everything that You”s have said. All of it. I’m not sure where to start ! But it is really starting to make so much sense to me. Reading all this has been a eye opening , truth accepting , but well needed realisation for me. You can see him and it far better than I could and I was actually there. Soulmate you’re spot on and very educated clearly on these matters. Lily31 when you said I’d keep your distance as well , I know you’re absolutely right. That is exactly what I should do , and yet it’s like I’m addicted to this toxic situation. But thank you so much , I think I might be beginning to see the light. Yes! I’ve realised! It always ends up with me thinking I was in the wrong!
He knows as well I have a history of anxiety. He even said my emotions are just all over the place at the moment.
Well, you knew it already, which was why you went to the trouble and effort to post for a set of second opinons. You just didn't have the words. And why would you have the words for decoding the morally-insane?
We can see it because our thinking isn't clouded by feelings for him, in which case, being there can be a disadvantage.
Like you say - it's perfectly obvious to you now (aided by a squirt of Indignation type anger being put into the brew in your head).
However, it's not LIKE you're addicted to him - you ARE addicted. Go Google, How a narcissist gets you addicted to them, or some such.
But not much.
" He even said my emotions are just all over the place at the moment."
Yeah, they have that effect.
These bozos will cut you with a razor and then criticise you for bleeding.
Thank you for all the insight ! I have to say I love the way you explain and word it and get it !
I’m definitely seeing things clearer now !
See who ELSE in your circle(s) you can spot with his (er) tendencies, with your new specs!
And educate ALL of your friends!
PS: Be cooler like a colleague from now on and don't let him try to knock you off that perch with attempts to engage you in banter and such. Be like Thatcher: This lady is not for turning.
Oh, and every time you look at his face, picture him sat at home on his sofa, all smelly and dirty, picking his nose as if he's convinced there's gold in there somewhere. (Bet he does. All kids do.)
😂😂😂 love this ! Brilliant
Glad to see you've still got your sense of humour!
Stick around and keep posting it all out, though, and keep this thread alive. Not saying he will, but - they don't tend to take No for an answer and give up that easily. Slave doesn't GET to exert rights like ending the (er) friendship - only Master does (puke).
What else can you describe about how he speaks and behaves, for the lovely viewers (why lurkers included)?
And I'd love to ask you: where was your mother or father, sitting you down and warning you about (er) people like this - and what behaviours and attitudes to look-out for - when you were a teenager?
LOL - sorry - SHY lurkers, not why lurkers!
Louse-Ann, I see your Mother-In-Law thread. Has something happened to make you wake up, recently, and realise you're 'surrounded' by Narcissists of varying degrees?