Am I toxic?
So I need advice…
I have been in a on and off again relationship for the past two years.
We have had our fair share of shit and always managed to work things out but we had a fight last night and now I’m questioning my own sanity and whether or not I am these things he said;
So we were out have dinner at one of his local pubs after spending most of the day at his friends place because they wanted to have a few drinks, and I randomly thought of one of his friends that we ran into early in the day, so I said this person is a bit weird don’t you think? And he said why, because he dresses like a hobo? And I said no, because it seems like he can’t go without a relationship and he has had quite a few girlfriends since his divorce. He immediately got defensive and said I shouldn’t judge him, he commited and loved his wife and she just left him, she broke him! So I said ok calm down I know what he went through but that’s his side of the story we don’t know her side and this is not what I wanted to start talking about because it’s got nothing to do with us, eventually he left it and changed the subject.
He kissed me and we laughed and then out of no where he stood up and said stand up and I said no please down your drawing attention and it’s making me feel uncomfortable, after about a few minutes he sat down and loudly said “ah! As I expected - publicly refusing me again”, I continued to explain that I don’t like that sort of attention and that he knows it.
He calmed down a bit and then he brought up that I wasn’t happy with how the day went or turned out and I said that’s untrue, although we didn’t do what we had discussed the day before it still turned out nice even though we stayed longer than he said we would. He then stopped and said what else were we going to do? And I said we discussed getting snacks and going to the park with my dog and playing guitar, just chilling but when you left the next morning to go have breakfast with your mom, you called me and said were going to your friends and I should get ready, so I did and here we are. He then asked why I didn’t tell him about that and remind him of those plans and before I could finish my sentence he intrerupted me at “why should I have..” and completely lost it and said “ah! Why should I” ”this is the reason why I wont ever marry you” he continued on for a while not allowing me to get a word in, saying I figured you out, I see through you and your bullshit..
I told him that I wanted to go home and would order an uber, he said no way I’ll take you, as we walked out to the car, and in the car, halfway to my place he non-stop continued on about this and then started to sau “f you”, “shut the f up” and I said please stop, I want to get out of the car, I don’t want be with you at this moment because you have had way too much to drink and you always do this when you are drunk. I feel uncomfortable so please stopped at the stop sign and I’ll walk the other 3 blocks, he then grabbed my waist as I reached for the door handle, then tried to calm me down and said were right at the atarion do you want to me to get arrested again? So I kept quiet till we reached my gate, then he said please bring me my things and I said no, I have had enough tou can come get them tomorrow, he then lost it even more and started calling my neighbour out loud in the street to let him in, so I turned around asked him to please stop doing this and he said shut up I want my stuff, so I let him come in and then I stood between him and the door and asked him to please calm down and be quieter because he is making a scene.
He then tried to climb out underneath my arm, as this happend my arm hit the wall and I said souch that hurt, next thing he is going on saying ah that was my plan I’m trying to make him a women abuser and saying that he hurt me, to which I replied I didn’t even say that you did, it was my own fault for thinking that I could stand in your way when I am half your size, I never blamed your or said it was your fault nor did I say I was going to tell anyone about this. We went to the living room where I said I would let hom out and leave as soon as he calmed down, so he started shouting and calling my neighbour again, saying he is going to make a case against me, I’m keeping him hostage, he’s going to caal the police, so I took his phone from him on the couch (massive mistake) and then he went lunatic trying to break the windows to get out, pleading that he has calmed down, he is going to name and shame me and let everyone know that I am the abuser, I am refusing him of his freedom, I’m completely crazy and toxic and I need help, he then took my phone trying to unlock it and call someone, so I said if you calm down I will let you out but you cant leave in this state! Next thing he is pushing the glass sliding door behind me trying to open in and the door got unhinged, at that point I said its fine just go, and he said fine and he left.
On his way home he sent the ugliest vn’s saying that I will never have children and he now fully understands why my ex fiance hit me, I want men to hit me and I instigate it, he then blocked me and unblocked me to send more vns refusing to read my msg or listen to my vns.
This morning still the same after I said that I was sorry for stepping over the line m by trying to kee him here and for taking his phone, I know it was wrong but I thought he would calm down but I only made it worse, I am sorry and I take full responsibility for everything that had happened, I hope we can talk once he has sobered up and calmed down.
He just keeps going on that I should watch my back, he will make sure people know that I am an abuser and and and..
Is he right?
Am I whats wrong with our relationship?
Am I all these things?
Do I need to go see someone?
I have no idea if the things he said were true. Changing plans without asking is a little rude. Getting drunk on dates is, too. Arrested 'again?' What's up with that? *Ordering* you to stand up and then shaming you when you didn't - uhhhh - even if you were in a DOM/sub relationship, forcing others not in the lifestyle to observe is frowned on.
Then we get to the non-stop profanity. I swear like a pirate myself - when no one can hear me. (mouthing the words under my breath during mask-wearing pandemic made MY life easier, but I've adapted.)
You should have brought his things to him immediately. You shouldn't have blocked him from leaving or taken his phone. You do get extra-credit points for not pitching his stuff out the window of your flat/apartment. You sound like you want to salvage a relationship with someone who has now declared he will never marry you. If you want a commitment and marriage, this is not the man.
It sounds like - IF he sobered up and calmed down, you'd be dealing with a sober, calm jackass.
The only reason you'd need to see someone would be if you were seriously considering continuing a relationship with someone who clearly only thinks of himself. If you don't think you deserve better than this, you do have issues. If you're not having problems in your other relationships, I'm going to guess this is all about him.
I promise they are true.
If I could post the screenshots and share the vn’s following it would be proven.
I agree but he doesn't see it that way, so I stopped arguing and just went with it. He recently stopped drinking beer for his health and went on to drinking rum and things have changed..
He was arrested for drunk driving a few years back and had to spend the weekend in jail, so that is why he said that.
He is a musician so he like crowds and people etc where I don't because I get social anxiety and he knows that.
I know he was trying to be sweet by wanted me to stand up so that he could kiss me, but I don't like public stuff like that, I never have and he knows exactly why.
I also swear a lot but I never swear at him because he gets really upset about it. I did it once or twice over the two years.
I know I should not have tried to keep him here at all, I should have just let him get it and go but I didn't and I do know that I was wrong for doing that but he tends to regret everything the next day but today is different, he’s still going off.
It's not the first time this sort of thing happened or these things have been said, I should know better by now but I still mess up.
When we first met I was suffering from depression and major anxiety, Inhad just gotten out of my pit and started being a human again, I naturally told him
My history and life events and now he seems to think that I need help and I am crazy and that I am the reason for everything that has ever happened to me.
I don't even know how to describe it, but he has this thing that everyone is against him and out to get him and I am one of those people.
Up until last night I was still all in on this, but after that and the harassment today, I'm not really sure hoe to handle it. I know his family has money and they always involve their mom and step dad and threaten to sue and have you arrested, they have done this his brothers girlfriend when he cheated and she found out and contacted all of the other women.
He recorder our calls last night a d said he would use me agains myself and I will go down, he will make sure everyone knows that I abused him and that I am an abuser.
I did make an appointment with a psychiatrist for this week to have a talk and do a test because I have never questioned myself like I am now.
Still sounds like he drinks too much - and take it from someone married to an alcoholic for 25 years - if you're trying to get him to quit or cut back, you ARE the enemy.
Walk away. Now. Otherwise, it looks like you are desperately clinging to him, and those claims that you're trying to control him WILL have more merit in the court system. You've been off-and-on for a couple years? If the two of you can't get it together in this amount of time, maybe you're not suited to one another. That doesn't mean anyone is bad, you just aren't on the same path.
"He is a musician so he like crowds and people etc where I don't because I get social anxiety and he knows that." See, not the same path, and all about HIM.
The mom and step-dad are reason enough to break this off. So you want them involved in your lives forever (because they never taught Sonny-boy to handle his life himself?) Do you WANT to always be looking over your shoulder, with them threatening you whenever things don't go his way? He's already said he will never marry you. I don't know how old you are, or hoe much marriage means to you. At some point, we're not dating for funsies any more, it's about a partner for life. He's already told you it isn't happening.
"It's not the first time this sort of thing happened or these things have been said, I should know better by now but I still mess up." Everything isn't your fault. People have disagreements - and get over them without profanity, driving drunk (with you in the car!) threatening lawsuits. Honey, your experience isn't how relationships work in the normal world. Stop STOP *STOP* justifying his behavior. It isn't right.
In fact, if being with you is SO Abusive
why the heck has he not left and found a nicer girlfriend? Oh, wait. No one else will put up with his rubbish.
Thank you @oldmainer
Hearing this from someone outside clarified a lot of things.
I wish I could go deeper into this conversation but you are right, he made it clear, more than once and always when he is drunk and it has been proven that there's always truth behind a drunken rant.
I do need to get out of this relationship, I have tried before but it never lasted.
He would leave me, and after a few weeks or month he’d come crying and begging for another chance, this time was one of them but I can't do it anymore.
I work so many hours, and I study and recently started my own business and all of this has been affecting everything.
I'm always there for him, if he'd call at 11 at night I would go, if he needed money I’d give it, but he’s never really there for me.
When he is sober he is the nicest person on earth and it all makes sense but when he gets drunk and high like this, he becomes someone entirely different and I'm finding it harder to distinguish the true person/version.
For now I'm just going to ignore his calls and texts, because he hasn't stopped since before and after his gig today. I need time to reflect and handle this the right way.
Froggileggs, that long list of character assassinations (AND the rest of his disgusting attitude and beheaviours), is universal, Narcissistic behavioural symptom, known as Narcissistic Projection - GO GOOGLE.
The Narc accuses THEIR VICTIM of being the problematic element and having that list of serious problems. Consider it a confession on his part.
He's horrible. You're not. You didn't do anything wrong (and how uncharacteristically to yourself you react to his abnormalities is normal and standard, too).
PS: When he's sober he can keep his Normal Guy mask held up over his face, but, then (obviously), when he's drunk, off it drops. Or he LETS it drop because he can blame the booze.
Too many people who get drunk do this: I LLLOVE OO, I REALLY DJOOO!
They're called genuinely nice people under the influence.
Secretly nasty people under the influence produceeeeesssss..... You got it!
GOOGLE "GOING NO CONTACT".
If you want to see your boyfriend in another body, and get some explanations - check out this current thread (don't message on it, though, please, I need to keep it clear and simple):
If you read up on how Narcs of all varieties tick, especially 'yours' - the attraction will JUST NATURALLY, bit-by-bit, exponentially (hurrah) drop off.