Tired of being torn
Hi, so I know what most are going to say "you don't deserve either" With that being said, I've been casually dating two guys the past few months and I've gotten to the point where I need to pick one or none. I know I can't keep stringing them both along.
Let me start off by saying I am a 32 year old female.
With that being said guy #1 is 8 years older than me. He has 2 kids where he has 50/50 custody, works full time and goes to school full time. He adores me and is super caring and sweet. He will do whatever to make me happy. A few downfalls with him is that I get minimal time with him because of his busy schedule and him in bed by 9pm every night. By minimal time I mean like a total of 3-4 hours a week and we only live roughly 15 minutes away from each other. We have nothing in common really but we enjoy each others company. We lack sexual spark, but I am attracted to him. He doesn't want anymore kids, and never married again. Also he doesn't want to live with someone for a good 3ish years and I will be ready before that.
Guy #2 is my age. We have so much sexual chemistry and he is a lot of fun to be around and we always have a good time together. He is super into me. The downfall is (I'm not knocking any of this by the way) he does have a rocky past, he is a convicted felon, and also lost his license for a while because of his multiple duis. When he drinks he is a huge dick to me and usually makes me cry. He is a recovering addict and has relapsed a few times and I know its tough to be with an addict. I rarely drink and never do drugs. We live two different lifestyles. And I know he is filling my head with false promises. I just think the only reason I am holding on to him because we have SO SO SO much fun together when he is sober and the sex is amazing.
I know deep down I need to drop guy#2 but its hard because we do have so much fun together and he is kind of in a tough spot right now, so I feel bad for him and I am really concerned for his well being, but that cant be the reason why I hold on to him. I just know at the end of the day I am going to hurt someones feelings badly and that just sucks.
I would love to hear your opinions on the situation.
You, a woman, are ALLOWED to MULTI-DATE - same as the men do. And you don't even have to mention it UNTIL SUCH TIME as having to Go Steady with one hits.
But that's why you should't sleep with any of them until the favourite reveals himself as such.
On which note - "and I will be ready before that. "
How do YOU know? Did the Arch Angel Gabriel float down and tell you? If not - readiness should dawn on you. You - Conscious You - is not in control, here. If it is - something's wrong and your reason for dating and pairing-up has nothing to do with feelings.
And while I'm at it - and how does Guy No. 1 know it'll be 3 years? Are you dating Mystic Meg?
As for Guy Number 2:
Really - NO.
And FYI the sex HAS to be amazing with this type (and this one fits the bill and degree of a Narcissist). Because that will be the only thing about him that will bring you any respite and pleasure by the time you wish you'd acted on my NO.
You're not ready for a relationship (and nor is Guy 1....yet). You're ready for fun and letting loose.
Try Box No. 3, see who's in there.
Just...not Guy 2. (Plus - trust me, it won't hurt him a bit.)
By the way, did you happen to meet these two on a dating site?
"We lack sexual spark, but I am attracted to him."
Good. Because that's the teabag and boiling water that, given suitable brewing time, produces the tea (sexual spark). If you have tea containing a teabag and boiling water then something's wrong with the schedule and the whole process has gone doolally already.
Do you want a cup of tea or don't you? No work (including taking your time) - no perk.
What's your hurry, McFlurry?
It's a bit like you can't see the forest for the trees but neither of these guys are doing it for you. Solve your drama and move on from both of them. When you start bisecting guys and comparing them, then it's time to 'throw both in the bin' and walk away. Stay friends if you must but always be kind to yourself and be true to yourself when it comes to sorting your love life. If you follow your gut, you rarely go wrong.
I'm going to try to answer everyone's questions.
Soulmate- I should clarify at first it was he didn't want to move out until his kids were out of the house and his kids are 9 and 10. So lets say they move out at 18, that's still 9 years of dating someone and not taking the next step and to me that is moving in together. He said that number changes based on his mood, sometimes he thinks 2-3 years and other times he goes back to 9 years.
I think what bugs me most is we rarely ever spend the night together. We hang out for like 2 hours after work once a week and he is in bed by 9. So the minimal time sucks. Also I am ready for a relationship, I've had my fun, I partied, slept around (no judgement), casually dated. Now I'm looking for more, I'm looking for my someone.
I did meet both of them on different dating apps.
And when I say I like sexual spark with him its because he makes it awkward. For example, he never makes the first move, he almost like "plans" when we have sex. For example he will say "if we want to have sex tonight we have to do it soon, so I can be home by 9" and another example, we were in the car the other day and he goes "ready for intercourse tonight" I feel like sex should just flow and come natural and it doesn't with him.
Manalone- I'm not trying to bisect and compare them. Its only fair to them and me if I pick one or none. I cant keep stringing them along and toying with their emotions. I'm trying to go with my gut, but its going back and forth. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, including mine, but I know I have to.
In the end I just hate to let go of guy #1 because he is the sweetest guy I've dated and would try to move mountains for me, and I'm afraid I wont find that again.
"He said that number changes based on his mood, sometimes he thinks 2-3 years and other times he goes back to 9 years. "
Oh DOES it, indeed. DOES IT REALLY. How bloody convenient! Are there TWO of him in there? (Ask him can you have a third opinion! LOL)
Either he's not clever enough to lie convincingly or he is but is getting-off flaunting his hidden intentions towards you in front of you to see if you'll notice what it means or not (because your success or failure will help him form a decision about whether you'll make a good little slave or not).
What with that and his ridiculously unsubtle bed-time (- and does mummy tuck him in as well?), you'd think it would be easier just to say - I'm actually not that interested, luv - wouldn't you. Ah, but, NO, you see... HIS type, rather than set you free, would prefer to keep you unable to decide singlehandedly that he's a lost cause = UNABLE TO LEAVE = him kidding himself that YOU CAN'T (because he's too wonderful!). So it's this:
I will want you - I will want you not - I will want you - I will want you not - I will want you - or WILL I????
You'll start chasing after clarity with which to solve the MYSTERY! And each time you chase - you're that much more invested thus now psychologically duty-bound to KEEP chasing (like dithering too long over the late taxi instead of telling them to beep off and phoning another firm).
This is mental manipulation. It leaves you faltering and juddering on the spot (which isn't Leaving), for the simple reason that you have two simultaneous hopes/beliefs that are complete opposite to one another and clash violently: too long - not too long - not worth waiting - worth waiting.....
It's Gaslighting and Future-Faking (and the sociopathic reveal).
Tell him I said - OH BEEP OFF YOU BEEPING BEEP, does she LOOK like she just came down in the last shower?!
He's the cold Covert. (No 2 is the hot-headed Overt (including the fact that he abuses everything he touches, including alcohol dosages).)
And I'm betting that's not the ONLY free-ranging set of goalposts, either - I'll bet he's got LOTS. (What age does he reckon he is?)
"I think what bugs me most is we rarely ever spend the night together. We hang out for like 2 hours after work once a week and he is in bed by 9. So the minimal time sucks. Also I am ready for a relationship, I've had my fun, I partied, slept around (no judgement), casually dated. Now I'm looking for more, I'm looking for my someone."
Is he sure he means 9? Couldn't it sometimes be 7 and 12 and 3am sometimes - depending on his mood? Pff.
Bet you a Tenner that 5 minutes after you've exited his front door, his evening begins. You're his Just In Case gal. He's got other irons in the fire but is keeping you to-hand in case he needs to suddenly promote you. Seen it a thousand times.
DEFINITELY Box No. 3 or beyond.
*************BUT, YET!...take grave note of the fact that you're attracting sharks instead of dolphins in that there dating-pool water, yeh? Means you're still bleeding....Although, that said - if you're using something as unsophisticated as an electronic device to do what can only be done sat across a table together - once, twice, three separate occasions (i.e. a friendly interrogation with ALL the sensory communication data to support or otherwise his answers), I guess that's what happens: plenty of undesirables will want to USE that deafness and blindness to their slimey advantage.
Bit of both, usually.
(Bit rough, that fun, was it?)
I would ditch the apps and just do it nature's way, which is to buy your groceries in bits so you have to get out and about more (in your lippy).
Supermarkets - particularly on what's known informally as Singles Night (oh, yes, people!) - Friday Night - are way more fun and still more successful - AND can't be a waste of your time. Instead of, Can I buy you a drink, it's, Excuse-me, do you know if this cooking instruction means blah or blah?, or, I don't suppose you've seen the mushrooms on your travels, have you? Or if you're into double-entendres and can keep a straight face: Tell me - in your opinion, are these sausages a decent size?
(Probably not that last one. LOL)
Ugh! I've just read the next paragraph!
"For example, he never makes the first move, he almost like "plans" when we have sex. For example he will say "if we want to have sex tonight we have to do it soon, so I can be home by 9" and another example, we were in the car the other day and he goes "ready for intercourse tonight" I feel like sex should just flow and come natural and it doesn't with him."
I hope you CHARGE him??
Oh TRUST ME - NEITHER of these men (weirdos) can be hurt. You have to be emotionally invested for that.
No. 1 is the sweetest guy only when he's not being the nastiest guy.
Jekyll & Hyde.
So let's recap:
Choice No. 1: Hannibal Lector's Nephew
Choice No. 2: Son Of Chucky
choice No. 3: Single and very poppie-to-the-shoppie (benefits: more active, more fresh food, no longer on notoriously dangerous dating apps containing pathological predators)
(Take as much time as you need, pmsl.)
(Sorry. I'm taking the pee out of these two idiots, not you.)
PS: "Hi, so I know what most are going to say "you don't deserve either""
Why? Did you think lots of carbon copies your mum or dad were likely on here?
We didn't, though, did we. We could tell it was the opposite: you deserve WAY better.
And you must know it, deeper-down, too, or else you wouldn't have felt hard-done-by in the first place, nor certainly, gone to the whole trouble of plonking both bodies onto our examination tables in the first place. (Yep - definitely corpses.)
" and I'm afraid I wont find that again."
(Leaving aside the fact that the "that" that you shouldn't even WANT again is fake and overdone - What's this nonsense?
Is it that you attached to a time-controlled explosive? How long have you got?
The universally, time-immemorially played-out FACT is that your chances of meeting ONE of your Mr Rights AND SOONER will increase considerably - that's CON-SID-ER-ABLY ! - if you ditch both these utter duds. If you don't, however, they will decrease OR POSSIBLY BECOME FAR TOO OUT OF REACH TO EVER RECAPTURE. FACT - well-worn consequence of dabbling with narcs. It's called, Marry in haste - repent at leisure.
But first you need to look your best AND feel your most confident. It's a two-part package, Allure.
Is it actually a baby and family you're after?
Thirty-two is nothing these days. Plus you0re not Everywoman.
Why not get your eggs checked? Or frozen? Take that unfounded pressure off so that your choice of mate isn't so seriously compromised? (...if that's your worry?)
A friend of mine never did meet "Mr. Right." She adopted a child eventually and now regularly posts pictures of her grandchildren and nephews.
#1's approach to sex is a little off-putting, but - I wonder if these statements are his awkward way of affirming consent? I can't imagine how men navigate these days. Anyway, if he's a full-time dad, full time student and a full time employee, it sounds like he doesn't have time (or maybe the desire) to invest in a relationship. Seeing you the way he is is convenient. It would be short-sighted to hook your start to a convicted felon, either. Or an alcoholic. My late husband was one. Brilliant man, functional alcoholic - until he wasn't. I thought, he'll outgrow this. Now I can say to others, "This is the man he is today. Go with what *is* not with what you imagine his potential to be."
I made mistakes in my youth. Hung onto men when really, hanging was to good for them. Married, 25 years later he died.
Let me tell you: when I found the right guy - There was chemistry but it wasn't non-stop fireworks and excitement. It was so quiet and sure and different. (Actually, kind of like that with the husband, too.) Every time we were through with a date, Mr Right was asking, "When can I see you again?"
So in a way, you're right. I don't think you deserve either of them. You deserve something better.
I say, OldMainer! What an absolute poet you are! LOVE your turns of phrases there!
All true, too. And yes - DEFINITELY never accept a man based on Potential. Potential is for teenagers and early 20-ers... and (maybe these post-covid days) 25-year-olds. After that it just becomes unused and ignored potential...which negates the entire definition of Potential ("an izznit ironic...doncha think?").
I mean, if you weren't aware that it had started out frozen, rather than has just been prepared for being frozen - even melted ice-cream can seem to have potential.
(Yeah...no...I think I'd best leave the prose to you, OM. LOL)
I did end up leaving guy #2. Him being a felon and an addict doesn't make him a bad person. I actually spoke to someone who was once married to an addict and they said its nothing but false promises they put in your head and saying how things will temporary be good, but it never last.
Any who I ended things with him and he has done nothing but make me feel bad/guilty for leaving him. I tried to explain to him that its nothing personal, I just cant stick around hoping he will stay sober, because if history repeats itself, he will not get sober. He's been to multiple rehabs before we started "dating" I can't sit back and watch my partner destroy his life with drugs and alcohol.
I cant wait around for him to change his shitty behavior. I was just hanging on to the chemistry we had, because I've never had that strong of a chemistry with anyone before. Ultimately, I have to do what's best for me and my mental health. Being with an addict is hard on not just for the addict, but the person they are with.
"Him being a felon and an addict doesn't make him a bad person."
No. But either being or 'merely' adopting the behaviour of a Narcissist does.
Anyhoo - good for you for standing up for yourself and your right to date an equal.
"I cant wait around for him to change his shitty behavior. I was just hanging on to the chemistry we had, because I've never had that strong of a chemistry with anyone before."
You need to google up on this amazing chemistry of theirs and realise it's actually a giant Red Flag. When you're with the right and healthy fella, the attraction will BUILD and KEEP building.
Healthy relationships build gradually. It's with Narcs that everything's too strong and happens too fast.
What are you planning to do about Guy 1?
Guy number 2 has been blowing my phone up, trying to make me feel bad and guilt trip me, so I had to block him, and I can honestly say it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I cut ties with him.
Guy number 1, I'm still not putting my eggs all in one basket with him, but we had a long conversation about what we wanted from one another and what we wanted as far as the future and his ridiculous 9pm bedtime and the way he approaches intimacy. So I will give it a few weeks and see how things go after the conversation we had, but if I continue to feel the same, then it is time to get rid of him.
Maybe if I solely focus on one guy instead of juggling two, things will progress with guy number 1. I'm giving it some time and seeing where it goes.
"Guy number 2 has been blowing my phone up, trying to make me feel bad and guilt trip me, so I had to block him, and I can honestly say it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I cut ties with him. "
Wow, well done! And I'll bet it does! That was a Hoovering campaign in the form of re-Love-Bombing! (...which tells me that the original love-bombing was done mainly in the Pity Meee, Mummy style as well).
Had you not blocked - next, you would have got him switching to anger and spitefulness (and if that didn't work either - back again) (they'll try anything, even in the one same communique).
"Guy number 1, I'm still not putting my eggs all in one basket with him, but we had a long conversation about what we wanted from one another and what we wanted as far as the future and his ridiculous 9pm bedtime and the way he approaches intimacy. So I will give it a few weeks and see how things go after the conversation we had, but if I continue to feel the same, then it is time to get rid of him."
Let's hope it worked, but I'm not holding my breath for permanancy of change. Usually, they make just enough effort for you to get back in the boat, and then the old behaviour creeps back in, until you're back at Square 1. But we'll see.
WHILE you're seeing - and I say this because time can be your enemy, in terms of their being able to get under your skin in record time - proceed with caution. In fact, I would stop sleeping with him as well because that bonds you even faster, and you don't want to be bonded by the time you realise "you woz conned".
Also, even leaving odd behaviour on his part aside - e.g. if you know you're too busy for a relationship, why start one, and if all you have time for each week is something very brief and casual, why not say so at the start? - it could just be that he needs a friend? I would recommend you go that route, anyway, all things considered.
And no, I wouldn't recommend putting all your eggs in one basket. Cease sleeping with them so early on (before you have their proper number) and multi-date, is my advice. After several months, the right one will just naturally and increasingly come into sharp relief. And that's when you agree to go steady...and the man should be the one to ask...they're perfectly capable...In fact, the general rule is, if they're genuinely into you, they tend to do all the asking for more and, although it goes at a nice, steady pace, you don't tend to have to stop and wonder whether they like you or how much, meaning, this time the excitement comes from starting a journey together.
But, yep, see what happens from here - and keep us updated as you go?