Feel like I was treated really badly, but still beating myself up
A friend of mine who I had always loved moved away to a different continent well over a decade ago. She got married had children and the only contact I had with her was through facebook. Her marriage broke down she ended up back in the UK. But she lives a long way away. But she got in touch and we started speaking a lot over a year and a lot of a lot in the final 4 months of lockdown. She was telling me she loved me, wishing she'd never moved away and been with me, talked about buying a house together and getting married. It was full on but I loved it. We arranged to spend a weekend together as soon as the lockdown ended. We were both very excited. I went up and the weekend didn't really go as I expected (I was expecting a bit of walking, eating and drinking), because as soon as we got there she opened a bottle of champagne and we had a boozy fun day and slept together that night. So far so good.
Next day we went for a walk around the town with her dog. She said "lets go for a hair of the dog". We did and the day proceeded much the same as the day before. But I tripped over this time, broke my glasses, which then cut my face. Went back to hers slept together again, but as I sobered up I was mortified by the fall, I need the glasses to see and I also looked like had been in a brawl. I couldn't believe my bad luck as I don't fall over. Anyway the next day she had her children back so I had to go back to a B & B alone, but her whole manner towards me had changed. I was totally thrown by this as she had been lovely to me for months I just couldn't get what was happening. I'd fallen over, felt a bit stupid and just wanted reassurance that she didn't think any less of me. She seemed unable to do this convincingly. So I was sat on my own all day in this B & B thinking the worst. I spoke to her later in the day and she said something on the lines of no point in worrying about anything which kind of reassured me I guess, but still there was something different in her tone.
Anyway I was right to be worried because the following day she picked me up (my car was at hers) and dumped me essentially. She would message me saying she had a lovely time, but whenever I spoke to her she was cold. She certainly didn't say she wanted to repeat this lovely time.
I just can't understand how she could drop me for something so trivial when she had been singing my praises 24 hours before. I think the drinking ruined the weekend, but we both did it, in some ways she instigated it, and we didn't fall out so I would have thought if what she was saying just a week before I should have got the benefit of the doubt. To try again but a bit more reserved. It was a strange weekend after a strange year anyway.
I feel guilty that I failed, angry with her because I feel that she lead promised the world and delivered nothing and also I think it hurts more again because this person was supposed to be my friend before any of this happened anyway.
My friends all say what she did was brutal, but I would like a wider perspective than that I think.
Regardless of her reasons for giving you the cold shoulder, her actions tell you who & what she is. You can't succeed with someone who's doesn't share your standards or your plans let alone your friendship. You mentioned it in your post, but ask yourself just why she needs alcohol to be intimate.
This woman has other things to do & bigger plans in life and you were available at the time and she knew you. She expects you to turn off as quick as she has and to move on. Your best bet is to to do just that.
Yep, your friends are correct, it was brutal but don't be surprised if she gets in touch again.
I'm so sorry. Your story hints at some things.
1) I'm wondering if her marriage fell apart because of her drinking.
2) Texting/skyping/phoning with someone is easier than actually having a relationship.
3) She wasn't actually in the market for a new romance, she was just scratching an itch.
4) I don't think the fall had anything to do with anything - unless it injected unwanted reality into the visit, and she's not ready for that.
I'm not sure she used you per se - more like she's casting about for the next step in her life. She thought a new romance would be the ticket. She isn't on here asking for help, but if she was, I'd say, "Try AA."
She didn't drop you for some trivial matter. She never planned to stay with you to begin with. You were a rebound hookup.
Don't agree with that as she has been separated from her husband for 4 years, we were speaking for a year and I have known her nearly 20 years. She could have had a hook up a lot closer to home. But thanks for the input.
Fine, maybe not a rebound. But still just a hookup. A woman with children, doesn't bang a dude she hasn't seen in years for 2 nights straight and then drop him if she had hopes for a long term relationship.
Mmmm. Maybe she didn't want a hookup she'd run into accidently. Or maybe she realized neither of you were in a position to change a whole life around to be together.
My husband died when I was in my mid-fifties. I put my profile on dating sites but seriously - I was not going to sell my house, move, learn the ins and outs of another city, find a new job, to be with someone else I hadn't spent a lot of time with. I can't afford to just retire. If HE wanted to move to be near me, I guess I'd have considered it - maybe. I did date, a couple times, a man who only lived about an hour and a half away. But he ghosted on me and although in his texts and emails he claimed he wanted a relationship, he just didn't follow through. She has children - maybe they have a great school / good friends / etc., and moving them wouldn't be in their best interest. Moving them away from their father wouldn't be in their best interest, either. (It's not clear where the children were during your weekend together.)
AKA is right - she didn't sleep with you and walk away if she had a lifetime in mind. It seems kind of stupid but - there is still something of a double standard regarding human sexuality. Maybe she told herself (and you) that it was all about love because women who have sex without it are still considered immoral by some? I had a couple peers like that in college. *Every* man they slept with was "the one."
I'm curious if she is actually divorced, or just separated. I get the impression that divorce is not as easy in the UK, but it can be done. If she hasn't actually / isn't actually moving forward with divorce, that says something about she mindset, too.