To stay or to let go of my marriage
SADCAT - May 20 2022 at 14:53
Ive been in this marriage with my husband of 3 years. All was good in fact most days are good. But it's been months since our last time being intimate (I blame us for working 24/7) but it's because of this too I'm beginning to become less attracted to him sexually as a husband.
He often assures me that he is still attracted to me but the hecticness & tiring life led us both to this situation. Most days I feel like it's so platonic, we don't talk much on our feelings, nor lovey dovey or do all those corny stuff we used to do back when we were dating.
We're childless, btw. Which i dont know if it's a contributing factor or not.
But other than that, he has this anger management issue where everything seems to trigger him. And when we argue, he wont be physically violent at me (hopefully never) but he'd scream & shout & even kicked things violently. Im embarassed having people listening to our argument but he just not the type who would argue silently without making such a big mess. Sometimes I feel like I can't be mad at him (if he did something I dislike) or even to express my anger or sadness without having to argue.i'm tired of this cycle like I needed to cry & argue to prove a point. He'd get mad at me if I'm angry at him for something legit as if i'm picking a fight. It was supposed to be just an expression--say sorry and thats that. But i have to go through a big argument before he'd admit & say sorry in the end.
Im not sure if I should continue with this marriage or I should let go.
He's a nice guy but at times he's like this kinda make me think things twice.
Also he's my business partner so a lot of things we got involved with together.
I am sure the mods and other regulars will have a lot better advice to give you, but I'll take a crack at it, SadCat.
Firstly, let's start with that last paragraph: you and your husband are business partners. That provides a lot of information - clearly you and your partner see each other a lot. You see each other at home, you see each other at work, and it is overkill. That might work for some couples, but not everybody is built for that kind of constant companionship. Maybe the simple answer is, you two need to spend more time alone doing your own thing?
The angry reactions to everything aren't good, but everybody responds to things differently. Was he always like this? Did this start at a certain point in your relationship? These are questions to ponder. Also, does he react this way to different people or just you? Or just certain kinds of people?
Obviously with you posting here, you are feeling uncertain about your relationship at this time and want some solid feedback from the outside. You are losing attraction to your husband, you don't like how he reacts angrily to you over things that are minor or non-existent to you, and you are likely worried how a split would impact your business relationship.
Maybe one of you should consider doing something else for work, or else maybe you can hire other people to work on parts of the job that keep you both so busy all of the time. At any rate it seems like time apart is long overdue, and you have a lot of thinking to do about the state of your marriage.
I understand that you 2 are working a lot. It would be beneficial to set office hours and stick to them. Working on your relationship is important too.
Not knowing how old you are, I am guessing 20s-30s. At that point there is really no excuse for a healthy male to show a lack of interest in sex, even considering the work situation.
These may be some reasons why he is uninterested:
1. He could have a hormone imbalance. A Dr's visit might be a good idea.
2. You may have unknowingly (or knowingly) done something to anger him. A good example would be, if you were unfaithful and he discovered it.
3. He may be getting affection elsewhere.
4. You may have repeatedly turned down his advances in the past. Studies have shown that, if a man is turned down as few as 3 times by his lover, he could lose interest in pursuing sexual activities and it could even cause him to be depressed.
Normal remedies won't work on this guy. His actual problem is that he is a Narcissistic Abuser, proven by the fact that, what you describe up there is a Malignant Narcissistic taking you through the Narc Cycle of Abuse, AS WELL AS using sex as a weapon (a cold, withholding, rejecting one versus a hot, forceful one matters not) which is part of the Devaluation stage of the (if you don't stop it) never-ending cycle.
(Note that, as part of the Idealize, Devalue, Discard merry-go-round, the "Discard" or "Rejection" i.e telling you it's over (which always feels like an ucking cheek too far!) can be fake, in order to cow you into submission, stripped of your confidence.)
It might not have gone exactly like this extract (he could be a Covert, less a Love-Bomber and more an "introverted" Pity Ploy merchant who hooked you by mutineering your maternal compassion), but - you'll see enough similarities, I'm sure.
"Stage 2: Devaluation
After the honeymoon stage wears off, couples tend to form a routine that they can count on and which they establish together. Most couples during this phase grow deeper in their intimacy and learn problem-solving skills as they continue to develop the relationship. In narcissistic abuse cycles, this next stage is when the narcissist devalues their partner. Their partner suddenly falls off the pedestal and therefore is viewed as worthless. The narcissist begins to put their partner down, often using verbal or physical abuse, and they may use physical intimacy as a weapon. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim (known as narcissistic injury) and continues to devalue their partner.2
The devaluation phase may include behaviors like:
Attempting to change their partner
Increasing criticism and insults
Increased violation of boundaries
More isolation or control over their partner
Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy
Stage 3: Rejection
In a healthy relationship, disagreements and conflict are navigated with grace and patience, and both partners are capable of solving issues and moving forward together. In the rejection phase, the narcissist rejects their partner and places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner.
They discard their partner at this point and are no longer getting their fill of ego-boosting attention and affirmations from their partner. They are not interested in love and security. The narcissist in this scenario will complete their cycle of abuse and find another partner to begin this abuse cycle with.2
The rejection phase may include these types of behaviors:
Feelings of contempt and rage
Betraying the relationship
Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them
Playing the victim
Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse".
PS: Delete your history afterwards from now on. And don't tell him what you're thinking or intending - not one peep (you haven't a clue what he's talking about!). You're financially intricated so you need to commence proceeding very cautiously - as if you were a Cold War spy.
And by the way - being violent towards THINGS - in front of you - counts as actual Violence (certainly in a famuly court of law).
The message is - you are INCHES from it being your face next time if you don't get back in your box, Slave! Or - it took ALL OF MY CONTROL just now, not to do that to your face, but, who knows next time....
Furthermore, it is NOT Anger Control issues, not in this case.
HE IS NOT ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY
HE GETS ANGRY BECAUSE HE'S AN ABUSER.
(All it need take is, you looking at them funny. Any excuse to basically beat you back in your (pff) place.)
I don't think he's a Covert Narc, though. They tend not to display aggression, leave it all with their mind and mouth and manipulation of your emotional states.
PS: using withholding as sex as a weapon or punishment is, I think, the lowest blow. Particularly as - you tend to need to be highly sexed for the ugger to get the idea ot pick on it in the first place. So it really hurst and confuses.
Reading up will make you realise it was never personal - zero reflection on you and your desirability. They don't even care about those things...they're not normal, they just do a great act until they feel they no longer have to, at pretending to be.
He is a Vulnerable, though (or at least, pretends to be - because it can be a cover), since his trigger seems mainly to be, even just constructive criticism and the mildest attempts to call him to account and get answers.
My worry is he could be a Narcissistic Sociopath (king of the narcs) - because it involves money in a 'power status' way, and not a petty amount, either (the biz). Bit early a union after only 3 years, too.
His idea, was it? Or his idea fed under your radar until you were convinced it was yours?
The good news is, you have an awful lot of energy (unused sexual energy! haha to him) so you're managing to argue like a barrister until HE submits (in the form of an insincere (hence the crime or vein always gets repeated) apology).
If he's a Spath (sigh...there's been an explosion of them thanks to the world distractions and problems lately) then it most probably went like this: speaking and behaving mostly consistently like a Nice Guy for the first two years, with this refusal to cooperate and Narcissistic Raging having started creeping/drip-dripping subtly in more and more ever since. ?
PS: Balance and AKA - despite the healthy remedies not being relevant here, that doesn't take away from the fact that your responses were otherwise superb! :-)