Problems with MEN - Result of teenage Trauma
Hello all, I would like some advice on how to go about dealing with and getting my power back as a result of having sex/relations with an older male when I was younger. (Being Taken advantage of)
The story goes, when I was 16 I had the typical emotional problems that comes with being a teenager, I realized quickly I loved to drink to mask my problems from lack of affection from my father. I constantly seeked guidance and VALIDATION expecially from older males and at 16 I fell in love with a guy older than me at 36 and I didnt realise he just wanted sex from the relationship as my mind was still developing and I was still just experiencing everything in life.
I was drinking alot when we first had sex and I gave my power away to him, again and again. He one day wanted to break it off and I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt IT DESTROYED ME. I looked up tp him as an angel, one to set me free to guide me but he destroyed me. I am now 29 and I have drank heavily weekly from that point, and contstantly seeked valicdation from males and trying to take my power back, this in turn affected all my relationships.
I am now at the point where I want to TAKE MY POWER back in a healthy way (not with drinking or taking drugs) and know that this will set me free from that power struggle.
If anyone has gone through this, I would appreciate how you dealt with it or how to go about doing it? I know I want it solved so that I can be free and love my self again, whats the best way to deal with it from those girls who have experienced similiar situation? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you for reading.
Step 1. Give up alcohol (and drugs, if you are taking them. A rehab clinic may be necessary.
Step 2. Seek therapy, preferably a female therapist as you don't need to continue looking for a male to solve your validation issues.
Step 3. As part of therapy, you will be expected to work on yourself. Find hobbies, take classes, etc. All of these things will help to build your confidence.
During all of this, I recommend you stay celibate and do not date. Those paths can be opened up once you have made enough personal progress.
Hi Aka, first of all, I really express my gratitude for reading and replying here.
I have decided to give up on drugs and alcohol with my partner a week ago, he is incredibly supportive and has been a HUGE support for 10 years so do not want to break it off as he is someone I can completely trust.
I will contact a female therapist today and will update you on the progress.
Thank you again!!
"I will contact a female therapist today and will update you on the progress."
Please do, FreeGirl92 - and very considerate of you to offer! :-)
You make all the noises of a warrior-survivor-thriver, by the way. I think you're going to be fine. And then great.
If it helps - it is indeed entirely possible to swap an unhealthy addiction for a less unhealthy one or, better yet, go straight to an entirely healthy one (if not over-done)...like a Methodone.
Writing down your whole experience would be mightily freeing. Many do that and realise they've written a whole book, and go on to publish it! You can never have too many about this stuff.
PS: I forgot to recommend reading up on narcissistic abusers (the over-attentive angel-turned-devil paedo) and neglectors (under-attentive father). Probably because you sound like you know what's what, already. But - just in case. Understand it all and how they tick and that need for validation will start to come FROM YOU... which is precisely what your mind would have been practising to do, had you not had a whole wodge of upsettingly emotional, ADULT sheets foisted at the top of your In-Tray.
You learn to love yourself - which starts with learning to care for yourself, take pride in yourself, learn to enjoy playing by yourself again, make best friends with yourself again., spoil as well as parent yourself (to fill in those past gaps in your developmental programme). You'll come to get to know yourself so well that, someone levelling some untrue insult at you, be it behaviourally or verbally, will strike you as the very OPPOSITE to what you are (always, with narcs). Because YOU know yourself and how you tick, far more genuinely and deeply than they ever could.
It's apparent that you've already started (kudos!). You have strong mental muscles - ironically, considering they got built during all that having to raise and nurture yourself nonsense your father forced you to have to do.
Right Qualities (yours - clearly)
Not your fault you were born to a man who couldn't function anywhere near adequately as a parent as then led to you ending-up so incredibly starving hungry that the temptation from a well-disguised predator with a seemingly huge bag of sweeties was NEVER going to be resistable at that, still somewhat under-baked age (featuring zero fatherly tutoring or warning about the monsters out there)!
Not your fault. Powerless to resist. Fact.
Heal and enhance, sure, but - no need to change. You just need to understand what was done to you and why (i.e. what exactly was wrong with them), first and foremost.
Ensure the therapist is well-versed in these topics, won't you. And I agree with AKA, that a female will be easiest.
And remember this: you have it in you to heal, enhance, ENJOY LIFE (finally). Those two bozos don't. They're broken. Were broken before you met them. Have proven it too far with their actions. NOTHING in their lives can improve. Pity them both (but save your compassion for yourself).
Thank you very much, I have learned just by having people listening to my story and opening up about it in such a long time I feel so empowered by this that I will continue to talk about it. I have stopped abusing my body, started Wim Hof techniques every day and it has been fantastic. Every day I get stronger and stronger and closer to my goal in loving and taking care of myself and feeling happy. I am now clean off alcohol and all drugs and just tackling life and seeing the good in everything. I am wonderfully grateful to be live and well, have a wonderful caring encouraging partner and mother nature here to protect me.
I will take the time to enjoy life as much as possible. Thank you again, I am overcome with tears of joy to get some of that love back.
Well now you're just showing off!
LOL - joke.
What you're doing, SO MANY PEOPLE never find the strength and determination to do - certainly not all by themselves!
Narcs are like moths to flames. You're very vital, vibrant and glowing. You have strong force, Luke-ette. But they're pathologically jealous, including of a child who's a little ray of sunshine and bounces back easily - because their child was the opposite of happy and a bouncy kid REMINDS them of that...so others, rather than drawn to them, try to snuff out their flame.
No wonder... You make those types feel very uncomfortable. They'd rather you were as damaged as them.
Cool. And - you don't need a therapist - you're a self-healer. Probably an other-healer as well (once you've finished Project You, anyway).
Keep posting if you like?
"Physician, heal thyself!" goes the saying. It's supposed to be far easier to heal others than yourself because the latter is tantamount to growing eyes in the back of your head (or eyes on long stalks?) in order to EXAMINE the back of your own head! It takes quite a mental contortion.
I can do that too. I'm very bendy, lol.
But it's rare.
Fancy becoming a therapist in your own experiential field?