My mom is very angry about a family holiday, please help
I live with my mother in the family home. My father wasn't there when I was growing up. My siblings are gone away to live and work abroad.
One of my siblings has plans to come home on holidays this summer. My mom knew this and she was looking forward to the visit. She was cleaning the spare room for months. It's an older house and there is some damp and some jobs to do on the house.
Over the past week, my sibling rang home and he said he would like to bring his partner and child. We met the partner on several occasions and she's the nicest lady ever. She's very easy to please.
I think with some effort over the next few more weeks and weekends, I think it could be done and a plan the house will be ok for guests.
My mom went into a major panic mode since his call. She started exploring other ideas. She doesn't know how to use the internet so she was getting me to explore other accommodation for their holidays home. She was going to pay for alternative accommodation like an Airbnb. I quickly found out that there was no accommodation available for the time needed - 5/6 weeks. Then a neighbour who has an Airbnb suggested a caravan. I started exploring secondhand caravans bit I realized this isn't going to be an viable option either. I do not own a car to drive and view a caravan and drive it home.
This is caused tremendous stress in my mother. She really doesn't want to house a family in the spare room at home.
Over the course of the past few days, she started fighting with me. It's intense and crazy fighting. It's not physical fighting from her but there is shouting and intimidation.
I was trying to help her over the weekend and I also said that he wanted to come home on holidays to see us and allow us time to spend with his family, not to be stuck in an empty flat somewhere in the city (that's if they and we can find somewhere) and not be put into a caravan out in the back yard especially when there is a room inside. All of this looks so bad. I know she is worried about the house.
At one stage, she wanted me to text the sister in law and tell her it's best they find their own place in the city.
(I didn't do this). Their holiday is somewhat of a budget holiday. They can only make it happen if they have accommodation provided by family.
Last night, I had to go behind my mom's back and inform them that mom is worried about the house and hosting guests. That's all I said. There was nothing bad from me.
My sister in law suggested to me to try other people and family to see if they have accommodation available. I rang another aunt and I am due to chat to them later today. They may have accommodation available.
My mom is absolutely seething about all of this from my brother and indeed she's building up anger and resentment at me. I saw her face. Her face is poison.
Last night I got in touch with another sibling who always kept a cool head and I informed him about what's happening. I asked him could he speak some calm into mom. He rang and chatted to her to try and calm her.
I got up this morning and while I was getting ready mom had nothing but a bad mood for me. Mom wasn't happy about me phoning another brother to tell him whats going on and asking him. Shes paranoid that I was talking about her and I wasn't. I said she's worried about the house not being suitable for visitors. She started putting more words into my mouth this morning about this.
Then I said I was in touch with Aunty X to see if their place is available and she's due to phone me later. Mom got up from her seat and said -
'excuse me, what are you doing going behind my back....what are you doing talking to others before discussing this with me.....'. That's not what I was doing. I was seeking alternative accommodation.
Mom started shouting at me about that too. She had nothing more but anger. Then she went on to tell me......
' I came up with another plan and an idea and I nearly had this sorted until now you are putting your foot in it again and opened you big fat mouth where it wasn't wanted'.
I said well that's good that you have another idea in mind.. let's explore another accommodation... then she pulled back and said... No why should I share this now with you....I'm not going to tell you now....'
So she had a place but she wasn't going to talk to me about it.
She had anger in her face since the call last Friday. She really isn't happy about them coming home. She's been fighting with me since Saturday about all of this and she said some cruel and dispicable things to me.
I am reading between the lines. She was happy to home my brother. I am reading between the lines that she doesn't want his partner.
Twice already she had referred to an estrangement betime and another sibling and that's a whole entire different thing and I'm not going there. That sibling is estranged from others in the family too and I didn't do that. Twice mom referred to that and said - all you want to do is tear me up from my son and my grandchild.
That's not what I am doing.
All of this is a mess. I have a sibling abroad who wishes to come home on holidays and my mom would love to see home home but there's some sort of a block about him bringing his family home.
I got involved to help mom over the weekend to see if I could help mom get alternative accommodation but that didn't work. There's few properties and it's so expensive too, anything that is available.
Then I saw my mother's face. She really is seething and she has resentment and I contacted my other brothers abroad. Not to tell them these words. I dressed it up kindly to say that mom is worried about the house and not being suitable for visitors. All she did was have abuse for me.
I'm currently waiting on a call back from an aunty about accommodation and it's supposed to be for my sister in law. If I inform my mother she won't be happy and if I don't inform my mother she still won't be happy.
This is a mess.
My siblings are abroad. They are not seeing our mother being abusive to me.
How do I sort this. I was talking to a friend and she said to phone the brother and let him know that our mother is worried about the house not being suitable and then step back. If I do this my mother will find fault with it some how.
This really has been 4-5 days of intense and non stop stress for me because mom really is not happy and it's resulting in intense angry outbursts to me.
She's not able to envision the spare room being a guest room for a family for a few weeks.
Just phone your auntie and apologetically tell her not to worry, that, unbeknownst to you when you rang her, your mum was already on the case and is handling it, but thank-her very much for having been willing to help.
And then leave it to your mother. She clearly doesn't appreciate your input, nor that you meant well. I think she was hoping she could just vent to you in confidence - albeit, her venting goes too far, into Verbal & Emotional Abuse territory. So I would give her what she wants.
Meanwhile, show her that she cannot treat and speak to you like that - being super-neurotically upset or even about to self-combust is NO EXCUSE for such lack of self-control in a grown woman her age. And this, you do by saying as little as possible (e.g. No, thank-you, I've had enough of your verbal abuse, when I was just trying to help you because I felt bad for you!) before immediately, but calmly and confidently, walking off to another room. If every time she tries to (er) talk to you with even an ounce of disrespect, but as a result gets nothing but politely left alone, abandoned, deserted, shunned - and you stay in the room only if and when she speaks normally - it won't take too long for her to give up the former tack because it'll have proven a worse than futile point and waste of energy.
Also - you tell who you like! Bullies or Cat-Kickers rely on your silence (think about it) to get away with it and continue doing so. You let her get away with this - you could be allowing a new habit. If she doesn't LIKE the fact of her horrid behaviour being known by everyone then HOW'S ABOUT BEHAVING NICELY AND BEFITTINGLY FOR A MOTHER TOWARDS HER OWN GROWN-UP CHILD.
This isn't about what it is being expressed via (panic over not having adequate or impressive enough digs). It's about her getting so non-stop upset that it triggers abusive behaviour towards you and only you (and no-one else must know this dirty secret). You do realise this, yes?
"If I do this my mother will find fault with it some how. "
So what. They way she's going tells me she'll scrape the barrel and find fault with the way you BREATHE if there's no other excuse going for feeling free to start kicking the cat.
Do it - and deal with it as I've described. Walk out on her bad behaviour (and stay a BIT more cool and formal than usual if no apology is forthcoming), stay in the room only for good behaviour. But - try to all the while keep out of her vicinity as much as possible and keep all unavoidable, actual conversation to neutral, unemotional topics (telly, weather...). And don't - other than cancelling Auntie - "touch her stuff".
Take Control. By controlling YOUR END, not hers, and doing it better. You sound like the only one who's qualified to, anyway!
Has she been this OTT obnoxious before?
In future, though, if you want to help - offer/ask the person and then find out what the person wants you to do, and what not. That way, you can't go wrong.
I'm guessing you're male? Often, women need a sympathetic listening ear first to help them calm down and THEN be told about any solutions. And so it can irritate them when you dive straight in "to the rescue", verbally - particularly if then you neither check nor keep checking with them as you go about actually solving.
If you come back and tell me that your mum HASN'T ever been like this before - or indeed, is normally lovely and perfectly respectful - then my conclusion will be that you have accidentally, inadvertently triggered her regarding still-painful memories to do with your father. Domineering and disrespectful towards her, was he?
And I don't suppose you look like him too, do you?
PS: If she won't calm down or the above somehow just makes her worse, you are well within your rights (BUT DON'T DO THIS FIRST, THIS IS A LAST RESORT) to threaten her into respectability, saying,
I am sorry, mother, but - if you keep speaking to me like this, in this disgusting, angry way, rather than calmly discussing how you feel RATIONALLY, I AM going to tell brother. EVERY TIME.
Alternatively - is this uncharacterstic in additional terms of, before now, having always happily LET you take whatever reins, WITHOUT your having had to seek permission or consult and confer along the way?
And - how old are you, if you don't mind my asking?
Thank you so much for your reply. I am actually female. Unfortunately I think I might have my fathers nose but that's it.
You're very welcome. :-)
Are you? Gosh, sorry! Rare that I make that mistake. You must be quite male-brained - are/were you a tomboy?
Just your father's nose - ok, just checking. (As stupid and entirely unfair as it sounds, it's quite common for divorced kids who resemble the problematic other parent to trigger upset for the victim parent. E.g. I knew a young man whose relationship with his mother improved literally overnight, purely and simply by shaving off the beard and moustache he'd been growing as made him look like his grandfather, her bully of a father).
PS: presuming it's not as big and hairy? LOL (joke).
Well, anyway, you've missed a couple of questions, including her behavioural track record prior to this episode?