Difficulty with adult friendships
I am new here. I am having difficulty with adult friendships - namely fellow mums at school.
I fell out with one of the mums early on and living in a small suburb with no other schools in the area means she is always at school and we have to see one another regularly. My issue is that I have made the effort to branch out and I have made other friends independently of her.....my best friend unfortunately became close to her around the time we fell out and unfortunately my friend prioritised her as their husbands are friends and work together. It has taken a LONG time, however I have accepted they are now best friends and me and my friend aren't as close.
3 years ago I got to know one of my ex best friends friends when our children started 'going out' and the 3 of us have formed a real bond, even going out as a 6 with husbands for meals and drinks or walks as families. It has been great and I felt I'd finally found 'my place' and my own group of my people independent of the woman I don't speak to.
fast forward more recently and my ex best friend has started arranging for the woman I don't speak to to get together with our other friend and they appear to slowly be becoming a 3 like we are and have even met up for nights out and hidden it from us. I am deeply hurt and I have stood by and watched every single friend slowly become friends with her......I have had a go at them about this and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost. Is it really too much to expect some loyalty here? I would have thought given how much it has hurt me each time it's happened I would have thought if they were proper friends they wouldn't stand by and watch me in emotional turmoil?
"I am new here. I am having difficulty with adult friendships - namely fellow mums at school. "
Earwigo again (not you...this old chestnut)...
"I fell out with one of the mums early on and living in a small suburb with no other schools in the area means she is always at school and we have to see one another regularly. My issue is that I have made the effort to branch out and I have made other friends independently of her.)"
Well, wait a minute - didn't either of you want to try to fix things?
Missing jigsaw piece - please supply?
"....my best friend unfortunately became close to her around the time we fell out and unfortunately my friend prioritised her as their husbands are friends and work together."
Really?! Then she was not ever your "best friend". She was a circumstantial one, hence why a more fitting circumstance-on-legs could so easily replace yours-on-legs.
Good god - what is this - Image Central? (Commiserations!)
" It has taken a LONG time, however I have accepted they are now best friends and me and my friend aren't as close."
Nah. Not yet, you haven't. You've put up with it because there's nothing you can do and you don't want dischord spilling over and possibly affecting your child's social life. (Normal)
I mean - fairenoughski if people switch initial places/pairings for more similar friends but, a bit of bloody ladylike-ness and healthier, less incredibly shallow reasons behind it wouldn't go amiss?
You must be well peed-off. MADAM, YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS.
You never leave it, you know. The playground. You think you do, but you don't. This could equally be taking place in some office. But, some adults revert to past type the minute they set foot back onto school ground.
"3 years ago I got to know one of my ex best friends friends when our children started 'going out' and the 3 of us have formed a real bond, even going out as a 6 with husbands for meals and drinks or walks as families. It has been great and I felt I'd finally found 'my place' and my own group of my people independent of the woman I don't speak to."
"fast forward more recently and my ex best friend has started arranging for the woman I don't speak to to get together with our other friend and they appear to slowly be becoming a 3 like we are and have even met up for nights out and hidden it from us. I am deeply hurt and I have stood by and watched every single friend slowly become friends with her......I have had a go at them about this and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost. Is it really too much to expect some loyalty here? I would have thought given how much it has hurt me each time it's happened I would have thought if they were proper friends they wouldn't stand by and watch me in emotional turmoil?"
OH, GOOD GRIEF! It just gets worse!
No, they would NOT - correct!
Then your so-called Ex "Best" Friend is trying to exploit (what you feel is) your slightly delicate social position to keep attempting to push you out of every comfy chair you sit in and start to feel safe in!
"I have had a go at them about this and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost."
Wish you hadn't done that because that's what best b*tch was hoping would happen (she's done this lots of times). They needle you senseless and then when you can no longer help but however-much lose the plot, turn around and say - See? She's crazy - I told you she was! Usually to people who don't have all the facts or even understand the complete context nor what led to that protest of yours.
Best b*tch - to go to all that trouble as calls for petty, Machievelli machinating - is clearly jealous of and threatened by you (you "at happier rest" make her look and sound, or even just FEEL, less impressive) and to a degree that is rather too characteristic. Oh, bloody hell, there's always bloody ONE...
Before we jump to your solution, though, let's just twist everything back to reality, shall we? :
"and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost"
Did you hear their husbands SAY this or just hear it from these 2 friends?
"Is it really too much to expect some loyalty here? "
At that school - St. Plastic - apparently, is it, yes! So far, anyway. I mean, you haven't sampled EVERY mum, have you. All you've sampled, if you think about it, is one shite circle and its peripherals.
Anyway, here's what you can do (which you'll wish you'd done sooner, so simple is it). First, you need to recover your confidence....your Mojo, which forms part of your allure. Then you arrange an after-school club or two, so that you start getting to know and becoming friends with same-stage parents who cannot be affected or influenced by the petty (yet important and bloody hurtful) psychological warfare-ette going on at kid's school. With every after-school class, even if you stand by yourself at collections, reading a magazine, you'll still be recovering said allure and drawing different mums to you. I mean there MUST be a crowd that can't stand these Plastics?
Even if there isn't, you won't feel so bad. Same goes for if (IF) it does start to affect your kiddie. Neither of you will care enough, will just open your books (or whatever). And WHEN each of you have spent enough time consistently not caring enough - you'll suddenly take on a sort of Really Strong Pack Leader aura, the one everyone (healthy) wants to hang with so starts to gravitate towards.
Tried and tested - by many. :-)
Hope that helps and keep keeping us posted?
PS: Remember that you need TWO best friends so that if one is off school, ill, you still have the other to play with and go into lunch with. (LOL) (It's like you never left, eh.)
(Feel free to meantime reply or continue the discussion if you need to, though, obviously.)
Thank you so much for your reply. It really made me laugh - it was so true!
So in answer to your questions, my ‘friend’ made it quite obvious by arranging things with thing friend and purposely telling me I couldn’t come. When I would arrange things with my friend and not invite her she got upset and said she felt I was purposely trying to keep her seperate and to myself so then she did the same and when I said ‘could I come’ she said no. My other friend didn’t even mention it to me so I just pulled myself away because I was hurt by them both and wanted to protect myself.
You will be glad to hear I am heeding your advice regarding the 2 friendships I did have left from that group with best b!*ch and our joint friend and I have told them I will no longer be coming over to them anymore. I’ve said if they want to see me out of school etc then we can but I won’t be coming over to ‘the group’ anymore. Most mornings I parked at a different spot and not had to even walk past them. Today I pulled into the car park and just walked my child into school. When I came out they were both walking up, they both hugged me but it was very awkward and we just made general convo avoiding talking about what we were all doing because I know they are all getting together tonight with husbands and going out. I think I want them out of my life as friends, I haven’t heard from either of them all week. Best b£%ch is annoyed with me because I’m not going up to them as it makes her feel like I’m being funny with them.
I want to remove myself and not socialize with my 2 friends anymore but I don’t know how without being weird and looking childish. I think it might naturally fizzle out from all sides, we haven’t got a group text going anymore and I don’t hear from them individually either. My friend always used to text me everyday, she’d tell me she loves me but that has all stopped. It hurts…..a LOT and all links back to abandonment in my childhood. How do I get them out of my life without doing a big break up?
OH you poor Soul! Why oh why is there always one Bitch in a group who stirs up all the rest? Can't they just play nice?
This World has very sadly become 'Plastic Fantastic'. It was always there but now it has blown so out of proportion.
Nobody keeps it real anymore. People care more about the image they are presenting than how they treat another.
I feel for you. I don't have any advice as I'm not qualified to give it. However, I feel your frustration, confusion & hurt.
As tough as it is (and it is) don't let the bitches get you down. The mere fact that you have sort this forum out shows what
a way better human being you are than them!
Great response, Trans/Shadow! And I'll bet everyone nodded or shouted YES! - particularly when they read this bit:
"This World has very sadly become 'Plastic Fantastic'. It was always there but now it has blown so out of proportion. Nobody keeps it real anymore. People care more about the image they are presenting than how they treat another."
PS: you don't need to be qualified. Being human, having any experience of the person's problems or intelligence enough to imagine yourself in and empathise, and meaning well - that's it. Carry on - do! Answer as many threads as you like! :-)
FightingThroughLife, (- yeah, tellmeaboudid)
"So in answer to your questions, my ‘friend’ made it quite obvious by arranging things with thing friend and purposely telling me I couldn’t come.
When I would arrange things with my friend and not invite her she got upset and said she felt I was purposely trying to keep her seperate and to myself so then she did the same and when I said ‘could I come’ she said no. My other friend didn’t even mention it to me so I just pulled myself away because I was hurt by them both and wanted to protect myself."
So she was retaliating (without a trial) because of having ungenerously misinterpreted your reason for wanting to protect hers and your friendship, as you not having wanted to share your social circle with her just so's to keep her at your exclusive disposal?
Even leaving her lack of giving you any benefit of the doubt aside - what were you - her introductions agency and social secretary, without even knowing it and agreeing a salary? Who said you have to introduce all your circles if you don't want to? She's got legs and a mouth, hasn't she ("Hi, I've been wanting to come and talk to you three for ages - I'm Blah-Blah!")? So there's a clue then. Looks like Her Ladyship thought being friends with you would include the big fat bonus of a free pass for making her social debut into "societah"...that you could do her "being confident or brave" FOR her, and save her all the effort, meaning you "deserved" revenge because you had refused to DO FOR HER? How very DARE you.
(Send her an invoice - I would.)
Saying that - hadn't you tried to pre-empt this before it happened by explaining why you wouldn't be introducing her to this particular gaggle? Or hadn't it even needed explaining?
...Not that it matters all that much now. You obviously got her wrong (or she helped you to) and in fact she was perfect for them. Plus, what's crystal-clear, anyway, is these particular women are SO NOT your type...Shallow Shelleys and Brain-dead Barbies (all because none of them have any adult confidence..."safety in numbers", remember?). Which is fine if that's how they like it! (..until one of them needs working human kindness, of course).
Trust me - these gals got rejected in the past many more times than you did. Or had a fear of it too cultivated in them. Hence the gathering out of fear and hypervigilance and wanting to stick close to bullies (while they're never the one in the crosshairs). For protection.
I know you've been desperate to be safe and comfy, and long term, which is perfectly natural and understandable, but this desperation is what got you into this mess - by having made you (unaware of this influence) sacrifice your true standards and desires and SETTLING...ONLY FOR *LESS* - and then staying and trying to make it work (shoehorn them) for too damned long and/or on too many occasions, whereby you got to see beneath the surface seemingly petty to the toxicity. (Welcome to Amber Heard's marriage! hah!) (Johnny Depp may be lovely in lots of ways but he too obviously lacks the skills and training to be anyone's romantic partner...flouncing and stonewalling, enough to drive ANY proactive, fix-it type of woman mad!) (sorry, LOL). So this is why you're going to have to do the legwork to gather yourself a better posse for a wee bit longer, I'm afraid (no pain, no gain). ...Although now I've just pasted and read this next bit, you can scratch that and just bear it in mind in the future (and yes - very glad, well done!):
"You will be glad to hear I am heeding your advice regarding the 2 friendships I did have left from that group with best b!*ch and our joint friend and I have told them I will no longer be coming over to them anymore. I’ve said if they want to see me out of school etc then we can but I won’t be coming over to ‘the group’ anymore."
Let me tell you what basically you've just off in motion: You have ostracised "the pack". Only a TOP BOSS of any "company" has the confidence and self-assurance to fire/ostracise a GROUP of people all at-once, ...The Majority - when technically you were thought of unquestionably as the minority. PROVING you've that confidence by DOING it (Nike!), says: I OWN THIS COMPANY. AND I'VE DECIDED TO RELOCATE IT. BUT THAT MEANS YOU, YOU, AND YOU...OH, AND YOU, I'M LETTING GO - WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.
HAHA, I know I said start an outside club but - talk about stretching the brief and gold-plating it!? Brilliant.
This isn't just Rejection (which is shocking and painful enough). It's the almighty Ostracisation. (It kills horses, doncha know.) Their (clearly) fragile egos will be desperate to oppose that change of positioning. So first they'll try "asserting their authoritah" to get you taking it all back (in a way that maintains the public illusion they're the boss - so preferably by begging and fawning) and, when that doesn't work (because you've consistently ignored or blanked it (doing Grey Rock but staying civil and mock-warm for your kid's sake), they'll start licking, e.g. trying to appeal to your better nature (pity plays, bribing you...all the tricks). Finding oneself ostracised is painful enough for every human, but the egos of people like this especially, just won't let them live with being ostracised, so it's unlikely they won't "not do" anything to reinstate the old status quo.
Assuming you take it all the way CONSISTENTLY, you therefore position yourself as its (Dark Horse style) truer Leader (with types like that, anyway) ON ANY GROUND, not just at school.
Not that it'll make any difference to you WHAT they want and try, but - forewarned is forearmed and all that.
Being seen to be PERMANENTLY REJECTABLE does NOT accord well with the image of someone who's JUST FFFFAB!, does it.
"Most mornings I parked at a different spot and not had to even walk past them. Today I pulled into the car park and just walked my child into school. When I came out they were both walking up, they both hugged me"
THEY walked up, THEY hugged you? Christ, it's working alredy!!! (I swear I didn't read ahead, lOL!)
"but it was very awkward and we just made general convo avoiding talking about what we were all doing because I know they are all getting together tonight with husbands and going out. I think I want them out of my life as friends, I haven’t heard from either of them all week. Best b£%ch is annoyed with me because I’m not going up to them as it makes her feel like I’m being funny with them."
Refer to above ostracisation reactions. And - YOU ARE. Lol
Albeit, Awkward isn't (fake) Warmth due to "I'm alright, Jack", is it. It's more a confirmation of your message of not wanting to be their friends any more.
"I want to remove myself and not socialize with my 2 friends anymore but I don’t know how without being weird and looking childish. I think it might naturally fizzle out from all sides, we haven’t got a group text going anymore and I don’t hear from them individually either."
You might be right, then. But I'll bet you any money you like that, as any of them at whatever point end up bitten and spat-out, it'll be YOU they come home to, tails between their legs. What you do at that point will be what you feel like doing based on how they handled their side of things, won't it.
For the benefit of all the lovely viewers at home, FTL, please confirm how surprisingly EASY it was, all things considered - certainly in comparison to how daunting it'd felt - to "TURN THE TABLES" on the bullies/despots.
"My friend always used to text me everyday, she’d tell me she loves me but that has all stopped. It hurts…..a LOT and all links back to abandonment in my childhood."
We know. But your childhood experience wasn't the cause because it's something we're pre-programmed to fear and avoid (we needed it so, back when we were apes and pack equalled stay alive). So just let the hurt happen and run-out - that's how you feel better AND fail to feel it half as much (or at all!) if it happens again.
"How do I get them out of my life without doing a big break up?"
You've done it / you're doing it. With actions/lack of actions (as speak louder and always the truth): You were awkward (= I don't like this and don't want it and wish to be somewhere else right now). Hence, the texts have stopped. She knows you don't "love her" any more.
ANY split will hurt, regardless of the reasons for it or way it happened. If you conquer the pain this time while walking through this test to the finish line - by letting nature (grieving and overcoming a social fear that hampers you) do its thing, you'll from then on be able to choose people you RATE but don't need. And like because - THEIR MORALS MATCH YOURS. Diff/All The Diff. So if you're lucky enough to find their company enjoyable too - that's the perfect recipe...how you end up with Quality AND of a type that lasts beyond school years, even.
Anyway, let me detox you some - because I smell a bit of their virus in you, still:
If you step into a well-established, crowd-sized vibe, a culture, that says, the way schoolmums should be and operate with one another is like THIS, it is very hard not to involuntarily and imperceptibly fall into step AND FORGET that the reason you are there, ACTUALLY, is to drop and collect your kid, attend parent evenings, plays (like your serious career-women mums who just say Hi as they dash past you and that's it, yes?). Friendships with other mothers shouldn't be necessary in order to invite their kid(s) to tea, a farm park or club with your kid ("Yay, Me Time and it's free!")... so that shouldn't affect anything (unless the mothers are so immature they embargo their child and both their and your kid suffer) (in which case they shouldn't be mothers).
But BECOMING friendly with these mothers with each and every kid-focused interaction until you suddenly realise you LIKE EACH OTHER and when you call to collect they start asking you to stay for a coffee so the kids can have 10 more minutes on the seesaw....is how friendship GETS MADE. We do not MAKE friends. They HAPPEN.
Always be concerned and wary with ANY human relationship that starts off too instantly bonded or buddy-buddy and moves along too fast (including finding yourself partaking in the sorts of squabbles that just feel too much too soon for someone you've only known for x weeks, as well as as feature over-familiarity (where you think, You can't shout at/talk to me like this - I'm not your SISTER, you know?!).
Plus, in this context, any school mum friendships should just be a bonus to the BUSINESS of why you are there.
But here's another bit of good news: When the normal, down-to-earth (your type) mums watch you seeming to be great friends with the cliquey plastics, they tend to stay away. AS SOON AS they see or find out you found them so objectionable as to have dumped the lot en-masse (slowly and quietly makes no difference), you'll be "refreshed" as (1) actually safe, (2) cool and ballsy (3) logically, THEIR type (and just neither of you knew it). and possibly (4) the leader they've been looking for (protection from the plastics).
Also, what you've just so instantly, efficiently and above-average bravely done, has squarely identified you. You're not a sheep so you shouldn't have been trying to pack-up with them and that's why it didn't workk.
You're a sheepdog (haha!)
A Pack Leader (better)
(Pleased to meet yourself, LOL)
You're the type that STARTS clubs (and wades in to defend *anyone* who's being unfairly treated - not just yourself).
No WONDER you picked up Ticks!
It still hurts, though, this, yes, but, don't let that ever stop you...think of it like you've had a bit of surgery and are going to feel, first in pain, then sore for a while... "hey-ho, it'll get better soon, won't have to put it with it forever".
PS: " The mere fact that you have sort this forum out shows what a way better human being you are than them!"
Trans is right again - it does as well - that too! Think about it...
Anyway, keep keeping us posted if anything else happens.
Meantime, as I like your vision and class - please do feel free to respond to other people's threads if you'd like to? No worries if you can't.
Thank you for your reply. Nothing else has happened but I am struggling today.
I am baffled by the fact that neither of them have messaged me and I’m convinced the one who used to text frequently and tell me each chore she was about to do/had done and what she had ordered in her food shop has literally ghosted me. I did send her this message last Monday “I won’t be coming over chick. (My husband has said I’m not to anymore because he doesn’t want (girl I fell out with ages ago) coming over when she arrives in a morning and saying things to hurt me. I’ve heard some stuff from (another friend) this weekend and (girl I fell out with ages ago) has said to her she has every intention of keeping on getting you, her and Best bi*ch together so I just need to keep away from now on. I need to put my well-being first. She can only do it while people keep letting her and if people are prepared to see me hurt then I’m better off out of it. I’ll still be around, if you want to talk to me and still come over at school or meet up out of school. We’ve got the afternoon tea booked at the end of June…if you still want to do it, hopefully feelings will have calmed down a bit by then x
This is how she responded: I don’t really know what to say about it all but I can’t change the way you think/feel chick
I don’t intend to change our friendship either 😊
Yes it’s on my calendar for the 24th but thought it was for breakfast or lunch? Xx
What do you make of it?
Bear with, FTL, I'll be back on this evening.
Thank you 😁
You WILL have days when you struggle, and days when you don't. It's grief (massive disappointment, disillusionment, betrayal....A BELIEF has been stomped on). If you picture am actual umbilicus having attached between you and each (what you believed was a) friend - irrespective of whether your side grew more than theirs - it's been chopped off. It's an injury that's going to throb then twinge and more on some days than others (e.g. bad night's sleep, immune system fighting something off, having bad luck...). But you'll have a natural rhythm, separate from those exacerbators (similar to your childbirth contractions).
Might be an idea to keep a Grief Wave diary, to see how far apart they are and how long they tend to last for. That way, you can identify and plan for the good days and have a slobby day and please yourself (as much as possible with kids!) on your down days. Meanwhile, LIKE labour, think this: that's one LESS contraction out of the total.
"She can only do it while people keep letting her and if people are prepared to see me hurt then I’m better off out of it."
"This is how she responded: I don’t really know what to say about it all but I can’t change the way you think/feel chick"
Translation: Not my problem, I don't give one, I don't want to be involved - although I'm going to phrase this as usual with the reminder that you're my 'chick' as means I should.
Behavioural diagnosis: False Intimacy (classic narcissistic symptom). Aka all mouth and no trousers. Aka I don't want to work for your friendship, I want it for free, other than flapping my lips to say all the right things.
The reaction in my head on reading that, would have been: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRFFFFFF, you FAKE! I may as well be hanging off a cliff-edge, asking you to HEEELP, seeing you look down at me and my predicament, but then saying, "No.........sorry, Darling". (Take your Darling and shove it up your- )
"I don’t intend to change our friendship either 😊"
YOU JUST DID.
...Or, wait - is the sky actually PURPLE?! ...Unless what you actually meant (leaked) is, I still won't be lifting any fingers, just the usual lip-flapping, so nothing will change? So what you're saying is, you want all the perks that come to you to continue as usual, but without doing the work that earns them? How rare (not!) for a narcissistic "friend".
(LOL, it's not good news when I start having a direct go at them as if I'm you in that moment, btw.)
There's no real connection here, except from you to her (thanks to fake encouragement like that one). You were just someone to pass time with, not to work jointly with at building a solid bond. Everyone is. Shallow is as shallow does.
Future ref: be wary of anyone that too soon after meeting (e.g. roughly within a month if you see them religiously on a one-to-one once per week or two if once per fortnight, or even just feels a bit soon the first time they say it - because if you FEEL that way you won't have been giving any Green light to warrant it) starts calling you honey, babe, chick, my lovely... Take it as your cue to make like a hawk and watch for whether they use that highly intimate label to start taking liberties. It's a Pink Flag only (in case it's just a bad habit they picked up, but - if they get away with Pink they then go to a Red one.
So - DID she start saying calling you that very soon after your first meeting or get-together, out of interest?
In summary, I reckon she doesn't want to risk her own position in the group by being seen to fraternise with She Who Rejected The (pretend) Dominants, so she's had time to talk herself out of it (because you were Awks?) or LET herself be talked out of it.
Why? Had you believed her to be the best by far of the bad bunch or even secretly more like you than them or something?
I mean - can one argue with that "No I shan't rescue you, honey-bun" translation up there? Do you see how selfish and self-serving she is now?
How you FEEL? Like it's all just in your head? (Classic narc symptom again and - Gimmie the gun!).
Let it hurt.
The cure to the pain and giving a damn is - let it hurt.
If it gets too much, then quickly find something your idea of riveting and engrossing to distract you. But don't cheat at that by bailing to soon every time. Just let it hurt for as long as you can stand in one sitting.
Next time at school collection, stand off by yourself and pretend to be very busy with your phone, while secretly studying the entire sea of mums in your year, see if you can spot a group or various duos of mums who keep glancing over at them as they chat - and not in a good way.
Also, don't forget - you don't WANT to get together with her any more. YOU don't. You were Awks first. That means suddenly formal and witholding your connection. And the reason your let yourself be that natural, truthful way was because you knew that for the sake of your future welfare, you had to burn the bridge, that it would in the foreseeable end prove worth it. So you've not been ghosted as you put it. They have. IN PERSON. Think about it: you, the you they were used to so knew, were still visible and walking around, but no longer there.
That was you ghosting them.
Because they had for too long been making you unhappy. And although you have to be EXTRA-unhappy for a little while - that still beats Increasingly Unhappy Forever - BY A MILE.
Slap your own face for (how very dare you) being so sensible and maternally self-preservationist i.e. intelligent, then - what can I say? LOL
Being so incredibly shallow and irresponsible (aka plain grossly immature and un-adult-like), you must feel incredibly (wait for this Golden Oldie....) "HEAVY", then?
Yes. So find the big-hearted, sincere mums because they are there. It doesn't matter WHERE you are, there will always be roughly half and half Nices (of varying degrees) to Nasties (ditto).
Just atanding apart next time, will not only signal to these nicer mums what's gone on (ergo, logically, why), but opens up the opportunity of one of them approaching YOU.
Remember to smile at anyone who catches your eye.
PS: not saying she is A narc. Just that what's clear is she's that bit too high in narcissism as one of the human traits.
That said, I do, personally, think that "Someone has to do something/help!" getting this back from someone who uses label that heavily implies they would and will, someone who's seen for herself how upset this all makes you -
"Not me, chick!...although I don't mind still coming over for breakfast/lunch/tea".
is just too dysfunctional and too characteristic an attitude after - what was it? - THREE WHOLE YEARS? - to go in the Normal-Healthy range.
I'm thinking you've dodged a massive bullet.
It's zero loyalty as well as shocking & disturbing hard-heartedness. I was shocked and appalled reading it.
After that tenure of friendship and calling each other chick - or even half that time - that's just not natural.
And therefore, this is one of those true instances of, The only way is up.
So I typed out a massive reply, turned over to turn on my fan and deleted the whole lot so I shall aim to reply in short.
You hit the nail on the head re her calling me all those fake names….she did it straight away…..she’d also tell me she loves me and hug and kiss me a lot. She has no family in this country and said she saw me as a sister.
You are damn right about her not wanting to risk her position - the truth is I always knew this would happen……If best b!tch made her become friends with girl I don’t speak to anymore then she would be so worried about upsetting best b$!ch that she’d hurt me. Best b!$ch knew this and she played the game well…..even calling our friend immediately to tell her how I was feeling when I aired how I felt pushed out because the other 3 were getting together. Then when she invited me over for a ‘chat’ having been informed by best b$!ch what had happened best b$!ch then rings while I’m there and says she’ll be there in 5 minutes! I now realize this was done because she knows our friend is weaker and she didn’t want to be left with a situation like she has with me and girl I don’t speak to anymore…..
I’m submitting so I don’t lose it again……she even said as much, in the past when I said to her I didn’t feel she was putting the effort in with me and I think we should cool it she turned round and said to me she couldn’t bare the thought of not being liked etc etc and she didn’t want a situation like me and girl I don’t speak to anymore. Basically she needs everyone to like her…..
I’m so angry because she has totally brain washed our friend………..and got away with there being no bad words between us so she still feels like she is liked! However if i’m ‘funny’ with either of them it just gives them the stick to beat me with and say look! Look! She’s a psycho! Im not, I just want some bloody respect! Now is the point I tell you I am adopted and I’ve had tons of people leave me throughout my life and knowing this and my abandonment fears they still did this to me. What is wrong with these people!?!!
But you know what? I feel empowered and I think you’re right, I have dodged a massive bullet. I also feel like I need to make friends AWAY from the school gates so girl I don’t speak to can’t infiltrate any other ‘friendships’ or maybe I’ll just be friendless for a while…….my husband says let them get on with it. Let our joint friend have to suck on being surrounded by girl I don’t speak to all the time…..she’ll soon realise that she still doesn’t really like her, even though she’s told herself for the sake of best b!$ch that she does because she knows it’s what she wants to hear…..then let her realise what she’s lost……and I won’t be going back…….
3 years of ‘friendship’ with joint friend and 11 with best b!$ch. I’m exhausted. ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED.
Your first reply:
It's all coming out now, isn't it (this new grief and the dregs from the past). Good! Shouldn't be long now, then.
They are horrid COWS - no other word for them - because they have issues....deeeeeep ones...ones it'd take decades or their whole lifetime to grieve out,...hence they spend their days avoiding them, using constant DISTRACTION in the form of "bums on seats" (who cares whose!) and will have conversations about what in fact are reeeeeaaally boring topics, like Begonias and lipstick. Hopefully you can understand, now, this - just ONE of the reasons for their behaviour - reason for why they NEED fallings-out, having enemies, aka unnecessary (- for the rest of us, anyway) drama.
But you being adopted (aka having been CHOSEN) has absolutely nothing to do with bad experiences with bad and/or stone-hearted and/or cowardly people. This happens to virtually EVERYONE!
This should prove reassuring - read this very typical, one of too many, thread from Mumsnet:
Note the respondents who by whatever degrees stood back and studied everyone for the first school year before daring to forge any friendships and ask yourself, WHY they felt the need to do that (and why, therefore, it worked). However, also note the plethora of parents who said they made friends outside of school and - this being my point - just literally dropped and collected 'on the school bell' before skidaddling. Also note how many were outraged that the so-called friend and other mums didn't stick their necks out to stick up for her. Then note the respondent with the scarily similar situation to yours in terms of the one who first starting Triangulating (form a sub-threesome). Finally, note how many pages AND how many more virtually identical threads are on there and all other similar websites!
It's not you. It's not any reflection on you. At all. Whatsoever. (Proven psychological fact. No arguing.) They're cows. Probably, even if you were Angelina Jolie herself - they'd still- no, actually, they'd be WORSE!
You have the same abandonment fears that ALL diamonds have from having been betrayed more often than the average (it is TOUGH at the top - albeit, you get used to it). They are not yours. They are theirs - but they're talented at making you feel like they're yours, really. Nope.
You just chose wrong, got a better look than you had before at this one ex-friend, found they smelled, but didn't want to vacate your otherwise comfy seat because you've had enough of constantly battling through life (YES - AGAIN, TELL US ABOUT IT - LEADER TYPES HAVE IT HARDER AT FIRST). And then inevitably Had Enough, got mutineered by your own inner animal/warrior in order to ghost them in-the-flesh. Seemingly, however-much against your own conscious will. You've shocked yourself, I think. But that mutineering is what happens to one with an especially strong survival instinct (great genes), teamed with having become or been born to be OVER-civilised (huge conscience and conscientiousness). I mean, think about it: a huge heart has room for much and many (leader).
The Plastics don't think and work right - end of. They can't BE anyone's friend without the working feelings...so they've gathered together to appear normal (hah!). In order also, to attract diamonds whom they can psychologically entrap and enmesh in order to use and exploit and act as anywhere between cats to kick the minute they're in (another) moodie or "enemy of the month" - despite the NEED that diamond to help pass them off as FFFFFAB. (See? Self-harming/risking idiots as well!) Bleugh. They should forced into therapy - but they aren't. Probably because they can still do a job and pay income tax...Don't get me started...
I wonder who'll take your place as Scapegoat now? They have to have one or more so...? Watch that space. :-)
Ultimately, though, they're GREAT for finally showing you the kind of friends you want and need - diamonds like yourself, the type that DO wade in to rescue a friend - or at the very least, the kind you absolutely do not - ever, ever, ever again.
This difficult period, having to sort-of start again from scratch or treat school as business only, hurts so that you will cease feeling Second Best just because your birth parents didn't have the means to keep you - overlooking the fact you got deliberately chosen as you were and are, which in reality CANCELS THAT OUT AND THEN SOME! And this will get DONE by - you giving types who 'smell' anything too much like those Grade A Brokens a very wide berth in favour of those whom, albeit might at first strike as a bit dull and boring, smell nice. And because you let it get as far as your inner animal mutineering you in order to take action - any whiff of that smell and you won't THINK about what you're smelling or THINK about what to do next - you'll just automatically do it and do it calmly and classily, without having to say a thing.
It COULD be (according to growing theory) that your inner animal was the one that deliberately chose this human washing-machine XL in the first place - BECAUSE it knew that old stain on your t-shirt was hampering you (feeling Less Than = grateful for any friend no matter how inadequate) and had to finally come out.
....Because - if you always knew it, i.e. sensed it, but proceeded anyway - then you needed it. If you didn't - then you didn't/no longer did. THAT SIMPLE SO MEMORISE THIS PHRASE.
I think inner animal deserves your gratitude, rather than your anger - don't you? And she's proven SHE always has your back (and is intelligent enough to wait for the right moment to 'attack'). She's clever. (You'd be surprised how many inner animals aren't.) You're going to be fine, now, whether you want to be or not!
Now that you know I'm (at this stuff) never wrong (which half the time is a bane, frankly, because not everyone can handle the truth or sometimes it's painful) - listen up: You have all the qualities of a Diamond (deep, intense but playful, fascinating to talk to, excellent morals, very kind and caring, very modest.......). I've been looking from surface to depth and ticking them off as we've gone. YOU don't have to settle for what the life lottery gives you (lumped with natural parents - who might have been a fecking nightmare for all you know!) - you get CHOSEN (by parents who clearly raised you well). You don't have to "find" friends - you get FOUND. Get out and about, and chat to strangers, NOW KNOWING THIS and that "Up There" chose it - said so, and your vibe will do the rest for you (why I use the anology of 'smell').
It's sign kiddie up for after-school karate/gym/ice-skating (or whatever) club time! Even if you have to do so in a neighbouring village. I'm sure a lot of after-school-club parents are there by the exact same cause and reason you are. They certainly seem to indicate so on that thread! :-) But you don't have to do that until you feel capable, once you've got your brain around all this and feel a bit more confident. That happens anyway after enough processing.
This is a really good, healthy thing you're going through (and badly overdue). But because it doesn't feel nice (like the dentist's), people assume it's bad and will end badly. NO. The Good & Healthy train, painfully bumpy and rickety as it is, takes one to Contentedville. Only those who disembark end up stuck for ages in Smellyville.
"3 years of ‘friendship’ with joint friend and 11 with best b!$ch. I’m exhausted. ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED."
Yeah, they do that to you, too.
Real friends energise.
'I NEED RADIATORS, NOT DRAINS!' - your new mentra.
But keep posting. (1) Because it helps enormously, and (2) to let your precise type, on here, including (many more) shy lurkers, going through the same and feeling the same and needing even an unseen hand to hold, see your whole train journey and get to be the example you were born equipped to be.
Omg….praying you’re still on and get to see this. I just had a text from joint friend asking me to meet up tomorrow or Thursday for a cuppa and chat using the chick chick language 🤣. I don’t honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t want to jump as soon as she clicks her fingers but at the same time I’m intrigued.
Yep, I'm here. Being texted to oblivion tonight!
Everyone, everywhere is having stressy problems these days. So added people-related hassles on top are just too much. No room at the inn! (for idiots).
OH, DID YOU INDEED. Was this a case of refuse and see how it's received before acquiescing, i.e. trying to get away with it, based on thinking you were desperate enough to accept that CRUMB?
(Tomorrow IS Thursday so - don't you mean tomorrow or Friday?)
What IS this chick-chick crap, anyway. You're not her daughter?! That's the sort of endearment a mother would say to a daughter. Suspicious choice of endearment, would obviously trigger an unwitting psychological receptivity to boundary encroachment in you (well, she is my sort-of mum), hmmm.....
Say yes but don't turn up, LOL.
Say, Which bitch are you again?
Say, You've had a change of heart - what's brought that on, then?
But actually - AWWWW, YOU CAN'T - REMEMBER? You're meeting up with one of your old schoolmum friends, awww. Maybe next week? And although this may sound dishonest and childish, it's actually important in order to draw a boundary with her, to cease taking you for granted, generally, as shows crystal-clearly in the expectation that you can and will say yes at such disrespectfully short notice! This also avoids an ambush (you never know with these types), i.e. another of the plastics showing up.
But what you should do is NOTHING. Until you feel like doing and KNOW what it is you FEEL LIKE DOING. Don't Know is a valid answer in its own right. You should NEVER make any decision of this importance while your emotions are roused (which that text will have done). You should always wait until you calm down (which you recogise once it happens). On the plus side - MAKE HER WAIT AND SWEAT. Her bed - now she can lie on it.
Consequences. It's the only thing that can get through to them because (as illustrated by the fact they're liars and deceivers), words mean nothing to them so neither must they to you and you don't REALLY (they're huge self-deluders, remembber?) mean what you said, you just had PMT or something (- yeah...pre-monster tension).
If she wants to see you, in future she can properly pre-book you. Only when this has become the long-term norm can she pepper it with last-minute invites (because them's liberties, innit, and only those who are ACTUALLY intimate with you get those).
ALSO, BECAUSE I don't trust her (which, clearly, neither do you or you wouldn't be caught in indecision or total cluelessness, think about it), the meeting could just be an intel-collecting exercise (because the plastics are confused at the New You and want to test it out as well as know where it's come from and how to get around it). Therefore, making an impatient type like a narc have to wait, smokes them out. Because they usually can't and go off the impulsive idea/plan if made to OR start pressuring you to bring it forward. So it's a great test.
Furthermore, it's the Scarcity Principle you'll be putting into effect. They'll fall off their chairs to find out you've got others to hang out with so soon because that means either you always did or have managed to replace them already, making you newly come over as highly sought-after company.
But what annoys me is her total nerve - thinking she can still call you chick after the way she's been and just said/declined when asked for support. WHAT?
Yes, definitely do not pounce on it. In fact, I'm glad I'm late if it's helped delay you!
So I went back and said Hi Chick 🙄 is everything ok? And she replied yes fine thanks, same old moans and groans!! You ok? So I put yes, same 😂😂 we can have a cuppa or go for a walk tomorrow. I only did this might I hasten to add AFTER my husband said maybe she does care and wants to continue a relationship with me and also after one of my friends rang me to tell me that she had approached her at school this morning to ask how I was as she hadn’t heard from me and she seemed quite hurt by that.
I also just spent an hour on my phone to my friend (another one who made friends with girl I don’t speak to) but that’s another story and she told me that best b!&ch had asked her at girl I don’t speak to kids birthday party if she knew how I was……..my friend persisted to tell her she doesn’t think I’m ok and she is bloody worried about me!!! You seriously couldn’t write it! I went mad at her and she said she thought I’d want them to know. I said to her I’d made a decision to no longer have them in my life and she’s just basically ruined my grieving process! I also now think my friend is also trying to get in with the plastics (love that name 🤣) and is getting involved in this drama when she really doesn’t need to involve herself.
If you've read it already, don't worry. You read it because you had 2 seconds. But not 2 minutes to type a response. You'll do that when you do.
If you want, tomorrow you can type, "Not ignoring you, just up against it rn, bear with me", to remove the reply time-pressure, keep her sat quiet and not poking you while you meantime try to decide.
YOU have the power now. You can do what you like but take as much time as you want in deciding.
But again, don't get excited because - this could still just be her Hoovering or doing so on behalf of the coven, out of resentment that you dared reject her, just because she wouldn't "get involved", aka in Healthy World, do one of the most important Friend duties.
GOOOOOD, I ONLY CHOPPED YOUR HEAD OFF, WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS ABOUT, GOD YOU'RE SO OVER-SENSITIVE, EXCUSE-EXCUSE FOR WHY THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO CHUCK HER, BLAH BLAH BOLLOCKS BLAH.
Oh, just give me her sodding phone number, I'll sort her out! LOL
You're intrigued, whereas I want to verbally (calmly, coldly) cut her RIGHT down to size, left sucking her thumb in the foetal position.
See if you too suddenly find it outraging tomorrow, is my advice.
Tell you what, though - if you can type out her entire message, I'll be able to tap into her (don't ask, it's just a disturbing talent of mine).
Oh! You have replied. Ok, let me read and catch up...
(No prob, btw, just means a different approach.)
So after not speaking to her via text since 6th June and seeing her briefly on Friday for her to falsely hug me and air kiss me. I received this today Hi chick, are you free to meet up either tomorrow or Friday for a cuppa and chat? Xx
I replied (after much deliberation) Hi Chick, is everything ok? Xx
Then she replied Yeah fine thanks chick, just the usual moans and groans!! You ok? Xx so I put Same 😂. We could meet up after the school drop off if you have time? Xx and she put Yes that’ll be perfect chick 👍 Do you want to come to mine or me to yours? Easy either way xx
"I only did this might I hasten to add AFTER my husband said maybe she does care and wants to continue a relationship with me and also after one of my friends rang me to tell me that she had approached her at school this morning to ask how I was as she hadn’t heard from me and she seemed quite hurt by that. "
Oh, so Mrs Selfish Pants is hurtyboo-boos - and THAT'S why she rang you? Not because she realised how dismissive and disloyal she was and because this had left YOU hurt?
(So evidently husband and that friend judged her and her motivation by Normal-Healthy standards, then? Great. That worked out, didn't it (*albeit, you managed to make use of it while you were there in how you felt free to give her What For and what that says). Let's not rely on them next time, then. Let's discuss it here - no matter the wait because it's good they be made to wait - OR let's just let how YOU, UNINFLUENCED BY OUTSIDERS, FEEL be what decides.
"my friend persisted to tell her she doesn’t think I’m ok and she is bloody worried about me!!! You seriously couldn’t write it!"
I wouldn't believe what she merely tells you happened and why. Someone who genuinely worries about you is someone who removes the need when that removal is in their power to, so that the need to worry no longer exists (all together now) - DUUU-UU-UUUUH?
"I went mad at her and she said she thought I’d want them to know. I said to her I’d made a decision to no longer have them in my life and she’s just basically ruined my grieving process! I also now think my friend is also trying to get in with the plastics (love that name 🤣) and is getting involved in this drama when she really doesn’t need to involve herself."
1. Don't go mad at her or anyone connected with that lot or that school again. It just says OW and identifies to her and/or the others where your bullseye is located so that they can shoot at it successfully from now on and see you go satisfyingly OW! any time they feel like making someone react ("I'm so powerfuuuuul I can make people go OW!"). (I think they must have all been deprived of interactive toddler toys of the flashing lights and little tunes whenever you pressed the buttons variety or something, LOL, but getting a rise out of you PLEASES THEM because they deludingly interpret it as you CARING too much about what they think and do (Still a follower, yay!).)
The opposite to love is not hate, it's indifference (which only includes You're So Tiresom I Can Barely Be Arsed sighing and yawning).
2. She KNEW you didn't want them to know. She's trying to escape consequence by saying this (You can't get mad at me becauuse I did it out of loooove). So - she knew she shouldn't but did.
So what was the REAL reason?
3. No, she hasn't put your grieving back because you made up for that with the much-needed catharcism of (finally) roaring at her. And the fact you in doing so dared to risk sending her away for-good, speaks really good and weighty volumes (I no longer rate you and you're still giving me no reason to so take this and eff off if you want - I don't care if you do or don't, frankly).
4. "I also now think my friend is also trying to get in with the plastics (love that name 🤣) and is getting involved in this drama when she really doesn’t need to involve herself."
Fine by you if they are both masochists who want to be both the molls of Dominators AND their next victim scapegoat. Maybe they've got stains on their own t-shirts, much more baked-in than yours?
What happened after you went mad at her? What was the upshot? Or, better yet, as I say - let me see it and plug into her.
I tried to copy and paste everything but as it was in WhatsApp it would have taken me ages. She is definitely trying to get involved….it’s her way of getting in with the group which she says she definitely doesn’t want to be part of. I’m wary of her now as I think she’s a little stirer.
I went for a walk with my friend, she got upset and said she doesn’t want to lose me from her life. She just kept saying she understands why I feel the way I do but she doesn’t feel the warmth towards this other girl like she does for me and Best b$!ch. Then just as we were parting she said she would feel awkward if she was stuck between me and girl I don’t speak to and she wouldn’t know who to go to!!! That’s loyalty right there…..so I’m just going to keep them all at arms length and concentrate on other relationships xx
"it’s her way of getting in with the group which she says she definitely doesn’t want to be part of. I’m wary of her now as I think she’s a little stirer. "
There you go. Well done.
She might be doing it to prolong and enjoy your pain (if she's a harder-to-spot Malig Covert to their Overts) OR she might (over-)mean well and believe she's doing both sides a favour by playing Mediator and will earn everlasting kudos for it (unlikely - they don't do appreciation or gratitude). The effect on you is the same. Google "What are Flying Monkeys" or "how to tell if bff is a flying monkey".
Did you notice how she made it so that SHE got to dictate the days, rather than leaving which day as your prerogative, which, given everything that had happened and her last, shrug-off response, was most definitely yours? It's subtle but, GIVEN said context - that makes it a summons. Fitting you in, is she? Not wanting to show her remorse in the form of catering to YOU on this occasion? Seemingly, this woman doesn't know how the world and human relationships work. No idea of even elementary etiquette! And yet - don't they SO know how - OH, LIKE A PRO - during the attraction and honeymoon (hooking you in) phase? Funny, that.
I say - FUNNY, THAT!
So it doesn't add up to make sense. And if something doesn't make sense - it's probably not true.
Next time, at least say those days don't suit and see what comes back.
I'll continue in the next because I've been getting spat out by the interweb too.
" went for a walk with my friend, she got upset and said she doesn’t want to lose me from her life. She just kept saying she understands why I feel the way I do but she doesn’t feel the warmth towards this other girl like she does for me and Best b$!ch. Then just as we were parting she said she would feel awkward if she was stuck between me and girl I don’t speak to and she wouldn’t know who to go to!!! That’s loyalty right there…..so I’m just going to keep them all at arms length and concentrate on other relationships xx"
1. Warmth Towards is as Warmth Towards DOES. So that's a lie. Whether completely or just because her normal loyalty is getting crowded-out by her cowardice - NEITHER is good. Either disqualifies her from befriendship by a Diamond. You'll always be shortchanged. Equality or equity in terms of the two people compared as a whole package (or weight on the scales), is vital. Leave her to her own kind - someone still getting tumbled around violently in the XL washing-machine. You're on the line - sun about to come out - drying. You want someone on your line or someone already in the linen cupboard. (HAHA - not that I'm calling you a sheet or anything!...rolls around at own joke)
2. SHE got upset? That was your prerogative too!
3. Oh, so you've got to help HER with HER agenda - which is, how to keep HER comfort of two gals she rates (and thinks will continually let her get away with failures to act...."would LOVE to help but - mush dash, got something under the grill" (again) / "Add your face").
LOL, sorry - she's annoying the hell out of me, with her narc-typicall ME-ME-ME. Oh, yeah, she's "gobsmackingly, ultimately self-harmingly, self-serving" alright (TICK!)
4. WHAT PART OF (sorry) What part of "I don't want to see bestbicz again" does Forestina Gump there NOT GET. She gets. But that doesn't make her care. She ain't got none. You can't apply what you ain't got. So instead, she tries to do HER modus: disarm you with (wait for it...) The Pity Ploy! (TICK!) You can't stay mad at someone who's crying (she hopes) and you can't (rightfully) enforce the counter-measures to what made you mad (so it won't happen again), either....."Now's not the time, is it...that would make me a COW!" (and then Tomorrow never comes and she makes another whoopsie that feels just different enough to the vein of the first (but isn't) so that it presents falsely as a First Mistake.....etc.etc.etc.).
If this woman somehow ISN'T overly narcissistic + cowardly (cancels out loyalty) or actually personality disordered by it (ain't got none), then, she's doing ONE HELL of a good impression of one!
But anyway, you obviously did NOT fold at her Crocodile Tears (well done) - hence she then exposed herself more clearly with (wait for it....) TRIANGULATION! (GIANT TICK!): "WHO WILL 'THE GREAT ME-ME-MEEEEE" CHOOSE OUT OF YOU AND BB....eeenie-meeanie-whoever-best-sucks-up-to-me - highest bidder wins. Who will be the best No. 1 Fan and Slaviepoos whilst being starved of friend food bar crumbs and sounds ("you're my chick-chick").
Shiteanora. If that's what being her chick-chick is like - imagine being her dick-dick! (Run, Forest, run!)
Anyhoo. She'll have a long wait, then, won't she. She won't like that when she realises. So this is not over yet (they're like chewing-gum on your shoe). Unless, come the next text you make your excuses, say you'll get back to her asap tomorrow.....which, like theirs, never comes...just keep putting her off. You just sliiiiiiiide quietly (no more drama!) out of the fakeship, the last link to Les Plastiques. But - she's clearly a Covert (better at hiding her true nature). Hence you thought she was at least OKAY-ish. And a Vulnerable (boo-hoo ME that you're upset). I'm going to predict she'll have all of them, that whole posse, eventually worshipping HER...a change of management. With firings and redundancies (who'll want to run, sobbing, straight to YOU...pff). She does want you IN the group, though. You must be some sort of Swiss Army Knife on-legs to her or something.
Tough. Only friends get all of that from now on.
Trust me, once the nicer people see you having and consistently, like an Iron Lady, continuing to disassociate yourself, even going as far as physically, they'll think to themselves or say to their little group, "Wow, she won't even STAND near them, look! I gotta find out why!". Equally, keep an eye out for any other women who stand by themselves or get or let themselves be ignored at the back of the group, etc. No Narc would settle for right at the back, no way, no how. So that's an auto clean bill of health right there! (50p please :-)) Means she's deep, sincere, all the things that to Narcs read YUCK, HARD WORK, meaning, loads of goodies hidden quietly under the modest surface to discover as you gently but ever more frequently go.
How are you doing, FTL?
And - any developments?
Hey, Not good.
I have been thinking about writing you all day but haven’t known where to start.
So the friend I told you who joint friend approached to see how I was…..she is a friend I made all by myself, let’s call her Gail. She is also a school mum yes but our boys are besties. We socialize a lot with her and her children and we have been away on holiday with them. She knew the situation with girl I don’t speak to and best b&tch, yet she still actively befriended girl I don’t speak to and has tried with best b&tch but they won’t let her in jointly. I tried the whole…..”you need to choose” and she refused….we kinda got on with it though and due to our boys friendships we stayed friends. Her son is in the same class as girl I don’t speak to’s son, however even before this girl I don’t speak to would tag her in pics on Facebook to piss me off etc delibaretely doing pics similar to ones we had posted. I don’t know how no one else couldn’t see what she was doing…..but they chose not to. So basically every single ‘friend’ I’ve made 1st best b&tch 2nd Gail and now 3rd Joint friend she has taken from me and they all LET her!
So I found out Gail had been to girl I don’t speak to’s sons party and best b&tch was also there - apparently they all sat round discussing me. Gail is the one who said to best b&tch and girl I don’t speak to she was worried about me after best bitch asked her if I was ok. Well it turns out Gail also said a few other things and through process of ilimination I now know that best b&tch has basically been telling girl I don’t speak to EVERYTHING I’ve said to her, and I know this because girl I don’t speak to repeated them back to Gail who told me!!!!! And to think last week I was doubting Gail and actually said to best b&tch that I needed to be careful what I said to Gail as I knew she’d been talking about me!
Anyway I argued with Gail as I said I’d thought about things over the weekend and I don’t feel she’s loyal or she wouldn’t have spoken to them. This really upset her and this is when she told me the truth about what had really been said at girl I don’t speak tos sons party………now I don’t know what to do. Do I let on to best b&tch that I know she’s the root of all the gossiping or do I simply just not say anything and pull myself away from them all?? I really am done and although I’ve taken a few steps back I feel like I took such a big step forward that I kind of feel quite strong still and like I could turn my back on them. I’m mega sad about Gail as our kids are besties and her kids are like my
Kids and vice versa but I don’t feel I can trust her either now…..
Are you there Soul mate?
Sorry! I got a busy wave crashing in. Be with you tomorrow, either late afternoon or evening - please bear with.
Things seem to have calmed down. My friend Gail came round Friday to apologise to me for gossiping with best b&!ch and girl I don’t speak to at the party. She said she realised she was in the wrong and it won’t happen again. I kinda believe her……I appreciated the apology.
Meanwhile I’ve kept to my word and parked round the corner and walked to school. All the mums are getting together for an end of term party and I am now going because girl I don’t speak to is going. I don’t feel sad - I feel powerful and in control. I also have my sons end of year thing coming up and HAVE to go to that but it’s about him and I’ll just sit away from them and let them get on with it.
Best b&tch and other friend were meant to be taking me to brunch on Friday - first other friend cancelled and then best b&tch too. I was relieved but also thought it spoke volumes. I can’t wait for the summer break and to get away from them all. My son still plays with best b!tches son so she reckons we need to get them together but I’ll try my hardest not to…….or if I do to sort it so he comes here or my son goes there and I have other plans……..
Best b&tch reckoned she didn’t contact me because she thought after all that happened I needed to show her I still wanted her as a friend……I don’t get it? Anyways, I didn’t do we haven’t been texting……however other friend is back to texting me most days and sending me recipes etc but cancelled for brunch……I don’t get what they are trying to do and to be honest I don’t really care.I’m sick of all the games, I can only assume that’s what they are….
I didn’t let on to BB by the way that I know it’s her……I literally am so over all the drama and I don’t want to be part of that ‘group’ in any way shape or form! I’ve found people generally open up to me so much more now I’m not with them!
That meant to say NOT going to the party.
"Things seem to have calmed down. My friend Gail came round Friday to apologise to me for gossiping with best b&!ch and girl I don’t speak to at the party. She said she realised she was in the wrong and it won’t happen again. I kinda believe her……I appreciated the apology. "
Hmm... I think maybe, given the opportunity, Gail wanted to hear what they see as "their side" to know exactly what you (and vicariously, herself) were dealing with? Obviously, whatever she saw and heard helped her to know they were the ones in the wrong here (clearly because none of them have a life or anything interesting to talk about!). And that's not a bad thing - it shows that Gail knows it's important to hear both sides so that she herself doesn't misjudge even any detail of it. Plus, it is a bit too intruiging, NOT to hear the 'enemy's' side, given the rare opportunity. A more intelligent friend would want to get a better idea of just HOW badly they've impacted you, and to see how maturely or not they'd conduct that discussion, i.e. feel them for herself. That's the kind of friend you WANT - someone for whom doing the right thing is paramount, therefore, whose loyalty is neither blind nor concerned with popularity.
Understandable and perfectly natural for you to have panicked a bit at first, though. It'd make you a bit too thick if you stepped in a deep puddle in the pavement on your way to the shops and yet failed to avoid it coming back and did the same with the other leg, wouldn't it, lOL.
And, yeah, I don't I'd be in any hurry to attend that party, either.
" I don’t feel sad - I feel powerful and in control."
GOOD. You've switched your thinking. And you're right. It should always be a case of you asking - do you like and respect THEM? - not whether they do you. Answer: no, you don't...EW.
Loving your resolve. Absolutely, show them a dignity they wouldn't know how to muster if a gun were held to their head (we wish LOL). You know you deserve better and are prepared to wait for it to cross paths with you naturally.
In the meantime...
"Best b&tch and other friend were meant to be taking me to brunch on Friday - first other friend cancelled and then best b&tch too. I was relieved but also thought it spoke volumes. I can’t wait for the summer break and to get away from them all. My son still plays with best b!tches son so she reckons we need to get them together but I’ll try my hardest not to…….or if I do to sort it so he comes here or my son goes there and I have other plans…….."
How did they cancel - and how did you respond?
Whichever, I wouldn't let it affect your sons. Just phone to (more politely than she's used to) invite her son to tea but whereby your terms are that you're the one to collect him and will kindly drop him home again afterwards (gives you control). If she tries to get herself invited along - yes, I agree you can make some excuse like you've phonecalls to make (albeit you'll still be keeping your eye on the boys as you do so).
Summer hols are almost upon us - not long left to grit your teeth. Plus, you still have Gail whom seemingly is worth more than the lot of them put together.
"Best b&tch reckoned she didn’t contact me because she thought after all that happened I needed to show her I still wanted her as a friend……I don’t get it?"
Me neither. It's because it's ollocks. Specifically, blame-shifting (tick!) and victim-blaming (tick!) in-one.
"however other friend is back to texting me most days and sending me recipes etc but cancelled for brunch……I don’t get what they are trying to do and to be honest I don’t really care.I’m sick of all the games, I can only assume that’s what they are…."
Either other friend thinks she can keep her friendship with you, but on the side, like her dirty little secret, or, the recipes are to raise your expectataions before then dropping you from that (she hopes) greater height. Yeah, I'm with you on the headgames suspicion. I think they're not just loving having this drama, but, like I say, have sod-all else stimulating to talk about.
"I’ve found people generally open up to me so much more now I’m not with them!"
HURRAH! Thought they might.
Glad to see you're getting over them. Won't be long until you never give any of those highly weak-charaactered, vacuous women another thought.
PS: You want to try being a house-husband - allegedly, they have it even harder...get treated as radio-active for the first year (or more) before any of the schoolmums will even attempt to speak to them.
Lol - I think being treated as radio active would have been a damn sight better than all of this crap!
So Other friend sent this….. Hi lovely, I hope you had a good day at work? A very hot one I’m sure!! 🥵🥵🥵
I feel terrible but I’m going to have to cancel our breakfast date on Friday 😔 I’m working tomorrow and I may also be doing some work for Darren on Friday. I spoke to best b&!ch briefly at pick up to let her know too. So sorry chick, I don’t know if I’m coming or going at the mo 🙄 Getting too old for this game 🤦♀️😂
I hope you’re ok? Xx
And I replied….. Too hot 🥵. Ah ok lovely - hopefully we can do it another time xx
Then I got this the following morning from best b!$ch On the group message (when other friend had already told her she couldn’t make it) Morning girls, Mr …… has had to move my review from today to tomorrow so not going to be free now. Glad when school year done and no more school work 😳🤗 and I replied Ok, did you want to rearrange? Xx and then got caught up in another convo so neither of them replied. I then made a joke about meeting up with Gail instead as both of them had binned me off. Didn’t get any response from either of them!!
I haven’t really seen them but had a few texts between them and me seperately. Neither has rearranged or asked me for coffee. Tonight it was a end of year party for all the kids organised by best b&$ch and girl I don’t speak to. I didn’t speak to other friend but instead waited for her to come to me, she did very sheepishly but apart from that all 3 were together. Girl I don’t speak to waiting to catch my eye and taking lots of pics of the 3 of them. Best b&!ch didn’t come over to me once, not once. I have her birthday present but husband says not to give it to her - but don’t say anything, that’ll give her a firm message….I don’t know…..
Gail and husband seemingly threw her hat in with us whilst telling me that the party the night before (which I didn’t go to) how much she’d missed me. It then transpires that neither best b&?ch, girl I don’t speak to or other friend asked her if she wanted to get a lift with them so she had to go alone. She said to me that it really opened her eyes to where she stood but she says she wasn’t sad. I could tell she was and if they let her in she’d be right there with them all doing the same……it makes me want to walk from her too………..
So I am mega hurting after tonight, I can’t sleep. I am angry. All the 3 husbands (apart from mine) were stood together and then the 3 bitches as I’ve now named them…….other friend looked sad….I’m hoping because she’s having to withstand her new 3. I feel so down, best b!$ch has got things exactly how she wants them now and I’m so mad. I want to tell her I know her game and it isn’t Gail I need to watch it’s her……..I can see what she’s doing and how she’s controlling the situation. She knew I wanted to still do things as a 3 and be involved and she has made absolutely no effort what so ever. She wanted to create this new 3 and she has - it’s shit and it hurts.
"I then made a joke about meeting up with Gail instead as both of them had binned me off. Didn’t get any response from either of them!! "
Don't do that. Warped and evil as it sounds - signs like this, that you're bothered, offended, hurt, needing to 'stick it to them', just give them a sense of satisfaction and ego boost by seeing it as proof of how DELECTABLE they are and how DEVASTATING, therefore, it feels to other people to lose them (ugh)... OR, if they've an agenda, they use it to show other people how (let's say) "jealous and petty she is". (You're not - they're forcing it in you. And to a degree matching or surpassing their own - so that by comparison they feel normal AND better than you...get it?)
Alternatively, they might genuinely be busy and don't give a hoot for making up for recent hurts because they're totally insensitive to anyone other than themselves and moreover oblivious to the fact they even need to.
Comme ci, comme ca...Effect is the same ("Ow!").
You can be honest about being hurt with NORMAL people whom have long-proven their hearts already, but not with people who know they've already hurt you (because you told them) and therefore who SHOULD be (and this is where this IS appropriate -) Walking On Eggshells around you and treating you with kid gloves, but AREN'T?.....quite the CONTRARY? NOOOOOOO. You're just asking for another kicking.
"Best b&!ch didn’t come over to me once, not once. I have her birthday present but husband says not to give it to her - but don’t say anything, that’ll give her a firm message….I don’t know….."
I'm with hubby (you sound like you, at least, have got an intelligent one!). DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR. Do not keep paying a salary to a work who for weeks has failed to turn UP at the office, let ALONE do any job-dutiesjust because she still goes around with her employee name-badge pinned to her lapel!
No work - no perk. Having committed friendship crimes against you already, being our context - this woman is now only as good as her last sale. (And that's even assuming there'll ever be another, given she has now just openly snubbed you!)
All your actions, here, are really saying, is this: I don't believe it...I can't! I can't get my head around it! She used to seem so NORMAL! Let me just try pressing this button again or that button over there, see if it happens again...
Well, you'll believe it a lot faster if you stop inviting them to create more and more emotional sheets into your Emotional In-Tray that then just take your actual, legitimate workload further from the top! Trust me - if you stop interacting, you'll get more and more proof coming into your in-tray. It's called memories, including things you didn't even know you'd stored at the time. You suddenly realise all the statements and acts you were led to misinterpret and miscolour....yooou betcha! And then you'll realise (properly, fully, I mean) that in actual fact, there had been a surprising number of little, hidden clues, right from when you'd first become (er) friends.
Personally, I'd cease initiating any texts, wait for theirs, then make my responses very brief and unemotional/boring, and see whether or not they then responded with stepping up their efforts, to compensate for the shortfall
No, if you give her that present and she then just inevitably goes on to do something else insulting and hurtful, you'll just put yourself back.
You have to appreciate the truth, which is, their inability to care about you is not because you're not good enough to be cared about. No, you ARE and that's why they used to want to stand beside you (until they discovered new, shinier objects and discarded you to the toybox). It's because their brains lack the part that allows a human to care about anyone but themselves. But BEING a genuine, functional person thus fully-working friend, who therefore naturally expects the friendship to have grown and evolved to offer deeper than before support and camaraderie, reciprocally, you've simply triggered a process of finding out in myraid ways just how unable to function or function healthily they are.
Well anyway, if bestbicz (and cronie) is refusing to let go of you, by merely texting you while for too long (especially given everything) not DOING frienship then you don't DO friendship either. No gift.
"Gail and husband seemingly threw her hat in with us whilst telling me that the party the night before (which I didn’t go to) how much she’d missed me. It then transpires that neither best b&?ch, girl I don’t speak to or other friend asked her if she wanted to get a lift with them so she had to go alone. She said to me that it really opened her eyes to where she stood but she says she wasn’t sad. I could tell she was and if they let her in she’d be right there with them all doing the same……it makes me want to walk from her too……….."
Well, hang on a minute... Just because she's sad, why does that suggest she'd want to be in their group?
It hurts because a healthy person's brain has trouble processing inhuman data and events. So they process it against the backdrop of, these crimes having been committed by a normal person. That then spells betrayal and It's Personal (Ow!). No. The loss of what you'd THOUGHT she/they were and the loss of your right to have had normal friends and not this crappy, upsetting nonsense is all that should hurt. It's not personal. It IS, however, a perverse compliment that you got targetted initially (until they got bored because you asked for functionality) because, as I say, they like super-shiny things - and ONLY THE BEST FOR THEM! They WANT Special but, in human relationships, to get Special and KEEP Special takes...what it takes to a damn about other human beings. A heart.
They decided now, just lately, was the time they could afford to pull of their masks and reveal their true colours (but meanwhile might keep a hold on your textual sleeve in case you can be of service). It was never going to be (seem) fun and rewarding - or future-worthwhile - ever again. If you were still fraternising with them, you'd be getting insulted and made to feel all-round Less Than all the time.
Keep studying this aspect of them (about it not being personal). It'll make the need to hurt, futile.
PS: Have you had a chance to look into summer and after-school clubs yet?
Hi! I did and then my son told best b?!Che’s son and she said to me on the last day of term……”oh let me know when your sending your son so I can send mine and they can be together”. On one hand it works out better for me because then I don’t have to deal with her potentially asking to meet up as the boys can spend time together at holiday club but on the other I have to see her at drop off/collection and listen to her talking about her boring life!
Going back to my previous post I never gave the present 😁. Hubby did the school run for days to keep me out of the way so she’d get the message, he said she looked genuinely upset, but I don’t feel bad I feel empowered. Husband has told me multiple times over this last 10 years that I’m playing it wrong ….but he’s more harsh than me and he doesn’t need anyone, he’s quite alright on his own….always has been. I used to see this as lonely and sad but now I’m following his lead. I’ve been very normal with her (even though I can’t stand to) and friendly, I’ve liked her posts on FB etc. I now have other joint friends birthday coming up
In August and husband says I need to ensure I don’t give her a present either. I know he’s right and again it gives her a clear message that I don’t reward bad behaviour and that our friendship isn’t on that level anymore. This is the friend that told me everything I wanted to hear and then finished the sentence off with “I don’t feel that warmth towards her like I do you, then……..MAYBE IT’LL COME…..I DON’T KNOW 😂😂😂” also…………..”I would feel awkward if I was stood in a room with you and ‘girl I don’t speak to’ and I wouldn’t know who to stand with……….😂😂😂 well why has it changed??? Why is it ok to suddenly ghost me and stand with her? It makes a mockery of everything I’ve ever told her and shared with her - so I WILL NOT be giving her a birthday present - I’m sure her 2 new besties will happily organise a nice little birthday surprise for her 😁
" but on the other I have to see her at drop off/collection and listen to her talking about her boring life! "
Says who? If you feel like talking to her - do. If you don't - or don't think she deserves you acting like nothing's wrong - then don't.
Personally, I'd just say HI! and How are you?, get the first part of the answer (Fine, thanks!) and then blurt, GREAT - see you later!
You're busy-busy-busy, see? Maybe with new friends? AND THAT'S HER CONSEQUENCE.
But it's all futile, anyway. It's not going to teach her any lesson for next time. She's nowhere NEAR in your calibre league! And you're never going to get a sincere apology with explanation, or any closure whatsoever (their brains don't function like ours! Theirs is COMPULSED to not stand to account, End Of.)
But if it does - at least you're leaving her with her own workload. Time will tell whether she has it in her to be more normal.
Make HER do all the work. Let HER salute and engage YOU. Otherwise it's, just a wave and nod and back in your car - and the boys can be friends while you, to her, are merely civil (for son and his little friend's sake).
She does have a boring life. You dedicate some time to sit and really think through what life would feel like if you couldn't feel (bar negative, unreasonable/irrational emotions). You can't feel fond of anyone...feel close to anyone...come away from time with your friend with any warm fuzzies (because you've had a great time and bonded more)...feel proud of yourself....LIKE yourself - underneath your Happy Plastic Face and constant self-distraction from your own inner thoughts (that inevitably becomes a permanent way of being), I mean.... Can't feel actual love for your own children (or not much - depends on the degree...albeit you can't help but end up as-you-go, ruining a lot of any bonding that did take place...). They are perpetually bored unless there's stuff going on OUTSIDE of their inner world.... literally cannot tolerate being solitary for even 5 minutes... Parasites can't live without hosts, eh!
Bonds with other people, and the full range of emotions, is what makes life NOT BORING - think about it. It's other people, or sit and watch tree branches blowing in the wind.
Anyway, I want to point something out to you. Something you've missed - whoosh - straight over your head! (- Own Trees, innit).
You named the puppy. You named Gail.
Not any of the others. Just Gail.
She's the real deal and you do know it. You just feel an itch for some sort of closure.
"Going back to my previous post I never gave the present 😁."
Oh, I'm so relieved! WELL DONE! I know that was hard for one like you whose manners are so impeccable that not doing them hits actual Taboo level. So - Kudos!
What was it, btw?
"Hubby did the school run for days to keep me out of the way so she’d get the message"
Please give your lovely, loving husband a bloody big handshake from me! That's what you CALL emotional intelligence and support!
"he said she looked genuinely upset, but I don’t feel bad I feel empowered."
Haha - so you TOOK some closure (a bit of your ego/pride back) from her! Nicely done!
Teamwork. Like it. :-)
Yeah... You - and your hubby - are way too functional for them, mate. They must seethe with envy, jealousy and resentment when they see you (go google Pathological Envy).
"Husband has told me multiple times over this last 10 years that I’m playing it wrong ….but he’s more harsh than me and he doesn’t need anyone, he’s quite alright on his own….always has been. I used to see this as lonely and sad but now I’m following his lead. "
Blokes do tend to be more loners, and do tend to lose touch with their friends and then just socialise with the husbands of their wife's friends. But you're a woman - naturally more sociable and especially while you're however-much responsible for the success of your son's social life springboard-ing. So I agree with his Take No Prisoners attitude when friends prove otherwise and d*ck you around. But not with being a loner. Just NEW FRIENDS. Ones more on your level.
Normally that can take time, but you have the advantage of having kids as your excuse (all of you mums). Same for dog-walkers - instant acceptance (most of the time) with other dog-owners.
"I’ve been very normal with her (even though I can’t stand to) and friendly, I’ve liked her posts on FB etc."
Start to wind that down. Again, it is not your onus to maintain her Fakebook world as "all normal, nothing wrong here!" (yeah there is). Otherwise, what you're doing is known as giving Supply (ego boosts). Have a holiday from Facebook...and then fail to reinstate your presence and Likes on her page. That way, you just - whoops! - got out of the habit.
PS: while I remember to say so: your ex-friend who looked glum at the bash had probably found herself plonked in your old role, to replace 'you' - i.e. being Scapegoat-ed already...treated like the tag-along, the inferior one.
Give it time and see if she comes crawling back, tail between her legs. But YOU do NOTHING. It's their job to do something to change this situation, IF they even can or know how.
"I now have other joint friends birthday coming up
In August and husband says I need to ensure I don’t give her a present either. I know he’s right and again it gives her a clear message that I don’t reward bad behaviour and that our friendship isn’t on that level anymore. This is the friend that told me everything I wanted to hear and then finished the sentence off with “I don’t feel that warmth towards her like I do you, then……..MAYBE IT’LL COME…..I DON’T KNOW 😂😂😂” also…………..”I would feel awkward if I was stood in a room with you and ‘girl I don’t speak to’ and I wouldn’t know who to stand with……….😂😂😂 well why has it changed??? Why is it ok to suddenly ghost me and stand with her? It makes a mockery of everything I’ve ever told her and shared with her - so I WILL NOT be giving her a birthday present - I’m sure her 2 new besties will happily organise a nice little birthday surprise for her 😁"
*ROUND OF APPLAUSE*
So you only needed to take back a LITTLE ego chunk, then? And it did the trick!
Oh, and, if this is the Glum One then - probably her nice little birthday surprise will be - eff-all. (OHHH, YOU SHOULD HAVE REMINDED US (again) and all that BS...OH, WELL, NEVER MIND - NEXT YEAR (not)...). Or something they like but she hates. The choice is endless. Whatever it isn't or is, it won't cut the mustard for her. Or maybe it will, maybe this woman feels deserving of hair shirts on-legs for a while? Again, time always tells...
Oh, wait - I've just realised what you said: that you put your son into some sort of summer club - presumably unconnected with the school, as advised? - and she did likewise, after hearing it from your son via hers?
I mean - if the club IS unconnected with the school, then - this woman has no shame!
Oh my god I typed a reply and it logged me out and I lost the whole lot 😢.
In short - present was a low fat cookbook (she spends her life dieting) and some nail varnish because she likes pink 😴.
It was glum girl……she text me at 2am (the time I’d told her I was getting up) on the morning I was flying to go on holiday to wish me a safe journey. Crawling back?
Gail is keeping to her word although I’ve had to rearrange plans with her so suggested another weekend and turns out she’s already seeing girl I don’t speak to and her family. Again, kick in the gut.
Best b!?ches husband is still working out with and texting mine. Pisses me off a bit especially as hubby said at our kids leavers assembly he went round and kissed girl I don’t speak to goodbye and also glum jointfriend and totally avoided me. Understandable given I probably upset his wife on her birthday by not giving her a present 🤣.
Should I let best b!?ch know what days my son is doing at holiday club so she can put her son in on the same days or no?
"Oh my god I typed a reply and it logged me out and I lost the whole lot 😢."
Me too! MMMMMEH! Oh, it's so frustrating annoying, isn't it. Oh, well, here I go again...
"In short - present was a low fat cookbook (she spends her life dieting) and some nail varnish because she likes pink 😴. "
OMG, LOL. How am I not surprised to read those two facts!
"It was glum girl……she text me at 2am (the time I’d told her I was getting up) on the morning I was flying to go on holiday to wish me a safe journey. Crawling back?"
That or keeping her options open.
Which one is glum girl again? I'm getting a bit confused as to who's who (bar best bicz and Gail).
"Gail is keeping to her word although I’ve had to rearrange plans with her so suggested another weekend and turns out she’s already seeing girl I don’t speak to and her family. Again, kick in the gut."
Oh good grief...oh PLEASE tell me you're joking?!
And what's this? Your husband, whom I've just congratulated for having for days taken kid in for you, meanwhile is continuing to, not just fraternise but TEXT with the man, that, he knows, only just recently snubbed you in public (for his silly wife)?
HUH? How do THOSE gel? DID he offer (schoolrun) or did you ask him?
"Gail is keeping to her word although I’ve had to rearrange plans with her so suggested another weekend and turns out she’s already seeing girl I don’t speak to and her family. Again, kick in the gut."
Good grief. I'm starting to see something emerging here... Tell me if I'm wrong, but - doesn't this smack to you of, absolutely everyone around you being THAT INSECURE and THAT allergic to solitude that they daren't, either per-se or properly, plant their flag? Or is it just that they're all so desperate not to be left alone for a day with their kid and have to have another adult (some-adult-any-adult!) along? I mean, talk about not fussy? Or, perhaps, are that insecure on behalf of their kids? Which do you think? Or is it a case of mixture of both?
Where IS this village - Stepford? Jeez...
Wow. I really feel for you.
Listen, I can tell you haven't, but - you have GOT TO, as a matter of mummy-welfare-based urgency (own oxygen mask then kid's), check out and enrol your kid in an outside club - in the next village if you have to! You just need a respite...a haven...
And what about the non-plastic schoolmums - made any headway?....issued any invitations for playdates?
PS: We seem - according to this prime example - to have a psychological version of a physical going on in society: too much plastic, destroying the planet. Maybe you need to move location altogether?
Which country are you in again?
"Should I let best b!?ch know what days my son is doing at holiday club so she can put her son in on the same days or no?"
But let her do the approaching and salutation. As well, keep it warm but formal ("More tea, vicar?").
She does NOT get you joining her in her massive self-delusion (or endeavour to public-impressions manage). She gets a DEMOTION (until such time - COUGH, CLUBS! - as you're in a position to let her go).
She can launch an appeal if she likes. But, meantime, you do NOT lift another finger. When you did that, it just got bent back, painfully. Right?
The point (ostensibly) was you two dropping your SONS at the same time, NOT stopping to chat and pretend nothing's wrong. So it's, Good thanks - you? Greeting talk only...maybe something about the boys, but - you've got to be somewhere (and you don't even stick around long enough for her to ask what it is).
It's called giving them the floor (to see what they're made of).
""Gail is keeping to her word although I’ve had to rearrange plans with her so suggested another weekend and turns out she’s already seeing girl I don’t speak to and her family. "
You don't suppose she's still just playing Private Investigator, do you?
Can you (preferably face-to-face) ask her, WHY she's socialising after having given you the impression she was on your side?
(Disclaimer/sanity reminder: grown adults shouldn't take sides, it's school playground behaviour, but this is nasty, spiteful---evil kids in grown-up suits we're dealing with (HAVING to deal with, I should say), not other, sane, mature, rational-reasonable, moral adults...with narcs, you have to get down to their level to battle them off, because they're literally incapable of coming up to yours so will just shred your ankles to pieces. Same as the advice for a narc divorce: its the exception to the adult-normal rule...if other friends/couples try to get out of picking a side then that makes them a mutual friend so have to be cut out by you as a way to ensure the narc ex2b is cut out (emotionally).)
Ok so glum one is the one who was friends with best b!$ch and put her eggs in my basket. Put me first, basically made me feel important and did everything that best b&?ch didn’t. We’d go out as a 3 and also as a 6 with our husbands - fast forward 3 years and best b&!ch has decided she wasn’t having any of that and has started organising for girl I don’t speak to and glum girl aka other joint friend to get together and joint friend now feels stuck between upsetting best b$&ch and upsetting me (sorry, I think I keep calling her different things) so I’m confusing you. Yet again it’s me who’s losing because I’m so nice and people just think they can walk all over me…….
She is aware she’s lost…..losing me but because their daughters and husbands are best friends she will always chose best b!?ch and also because her life is so boring and she needs best b!£ch to do things with (they even holiday near best b&tches holiday lodge 40 mins away so they can be together 😂😂😂. It’s seriously f’d up!!!!
I am SO glad you see what I have to contend with. I am in England - Leicestershire. We want to move but we aren’t in a position to at the moment. Im cutting them almost completely though……so won’t have any more heart ache. The only links I will have is Gail 😬 as she’s still friends with all of them and actively wants to be more involved……..should I cut her too? She started eeering towards planting her flag and she did but girl I don’t speak to (I feel this is too nice a name for her) it should be more like psycho control freak….has dug her claws in harder instead of taking it as a snub that they have chosen us….she just doesn’t seem to let up!!! She wants the whole clan and I seriously think she views it that she’s got 1 more to get and then she will be happy when I am left with no one.
What do I do??!!
I honestly feel I am going mad. I don’t know how people can behave like this? Girl I don’t speak to gives Gail’s husband work sometimes and she has done this with other people too as her husband is a electrician and all my friends husbands have their own business and need things doing. They do favour and get in there that way. My mate Gail is very well off financially and by giving her husband work they have helped them out massively so I can see why they stick around. Honestly I’m constantly battling.
I meant to say my mate Gail is not very well off financially.
"(sorry, I think I keep calling her different things) so I’m confusing you."
Just a tad, Sherlock, lol.
So... joint friend aka glum girl feels "boo-hoo, poor meee!" torn between you and best bitch. Let's rename her Custard. She's a bit suspect, isn't she. I've been gettin whiffs of: She wants whatever's most convenient, followed by the bonus having more options (if she gets to see you separately).
Yeah...friends without backbones (because having no backbone, serves her somehow)... that would have been a great buddyship, I'm sure. (Next...!)
You know how kids express the ills of the parents around them? I'm starting to think there's something wrong with the school's culture because, in this context, they're the parent figure and your mums and dads, the kids. I mean - everyone you've mentioned is acting out of whatever level or core insecurity!...and which they're extending to their kids' school social statuses and lives! Hence - you used the word "NEEDS", look:
"because her life is so boring and she needs best b!£ch to do things with"
She needs this woman TO DO THINGS WITH. Each THING is her focus, not the calibre of company. Or maybe their kids play well together, who knows!
But these women clearly - CLEARLY - are not interested in social bonds. Just acceptance in the herd containing social climbers. Quantity over Quality.
You're Quality so you can't be happy with them and that. You need quality - and quick.
Leicestershire? Eyop, Chock! Or is that Yorkshire? Well, whichever it is - you do susprise me. I always thought Northern women were more real and ...well, REAL. What's happened? Oh, wait - is this a private school? Don't tell me - Catholic? Well, whatever: how's the ratio of power between the parents and staff? Is there an attitude from the school of, We're doing you a favour and your kid's lucky to be here?
"The only links I will have is Gail 😬 as she’s still friends with all of them and actively wants to be more involved……..should I cut her too?"
If you're having to ask me, then, No. See what I'm saying and how that works? Obviously you have reservations so...what are they based on?
Psycho Control Freak is good. At least it speaks more volumes than, girl I don't talk to.
So that's her - Psycho CF - and Custard. Good. ...Although, if she's the one who called you Chick, we should name her Buck-Buck. (Please advise, M'Colleague?)
Back to Gail:
"She started eeering towards planting her flag and she did but girl I don’t speak to (I feel this is too nice a name for her) it should be more like psycho control freak….has dug her claws in harder instead of taking it as a snub that they have chosen us….she just doesn’t seem to let up!!! She wants the whole clan and I seriously think she views it that she’s got 1 more to get and then she will be happy when I am left with no one."
You'll have to (best face-to-face) just ASK Gail what she's playing at, if anything.
Some friends, like I say, need to sample for themselves before deciding which is the decent and which isn't. Seen it done AND done it myself. You want to find out exactly - ALL communication channels, including tone of voice, posture...the whole production - what they're saying about your friend. Don't feed her that suggestion, though, just ask, So have you decided you like them now or what?
"I honestly feel I am going mad. I don’t know how people can behave like this?"
I know. But they can. Because they're not, or barely, people...they lack the qualities that make a human Human. That's why I'm wondering if this school somehow encourages the highly narcissistic all the way up to your Cluster B PDs to its doors? Or is it the village? Is it very snobby?
Ah, wait up - just read your next! HERE IT IS:
"Girl I don’t speak to gives Gail’s husband work sometimes and she has done this with other people too as her husband is a electrician and all my friends husbands have their own business and need things doing."
What a load of prostitutes! Alternatively, I had no idea a good electrician was that hard to find these days! (Doing their houses up, are they?)
Well, then, I still rest my case: they're not in it for genuine friendship. I think Gail would be - but she probably doesn't want to pee her husband off, nor, during this climate, lose he and she important income. I guess now we're all in a cost of living and economic crisis, friendship comes second, now...with that lot, anyway.
Expensive term fees, and going up, regardless, are they? Is THAT the "culture" created by this school?
Well, anyway, what you "do" is....OUTSIDE CLUBS. Sooner you start, sooner you have somewhere to be, other than your quick "smash and grab" of your kid at the bell.
Have you had a google to see what's around? Is there anything you could do too - e.g. karate lessons or ice-skating coaching together? What sort of activity would your kid and/or you enjoy? I'm just thinking that - parent-child classes, it'll be easier and faster to get friendly with other parents?
Lol Leicestershire is in the midlands basically in the centre but just off in the UK. People aren’t that friendly…..I love northern people and I grew up up North - different caliber entirely! The village we live in is full of people on the tools (electricians, plumbers etc etc) which my husband is not! He places high level people into IT jobs (your talking £500 a day plus sort of people). He is very intelligent but we have nothing at all in common with these people! Best bitch ‘works’ for her husband - has a cleaner and is a school governor, custard works 3 days a week in a factory and Gail is a social work assistant. Not a private school just a very clicky mainstream school and I am friends with the pick of the bunch who are seemingly slightly more well to do…….except Gail. Well I WAS 😂 so you could say I’m the shallow one maybe???
Gail openly says she likes GIDST aka psycho control freak and their kids are friends….and she gives her husband gardening work 🤣🤣. They are very much social climbers…..we are aware of this and now keep them at arms length to an extent. We were going to take them on a corporate day through my husbands business…..let’s just say that’s not happening now……we are going for dinner with them tonight even though they went round to gidst’s house at the weekend (and she hid it from me)………..ffs - I HATE all this s!$t!!!!!!!!!!!.
Best b msged me about hol clubs for the boys asked when I was sending my kid…..I was quite surprised. I’m annoyed I’m being courteous with her because she’s getting everything on her terms and not standing accountable for any of the hurt she’s caused. She tells me her biggest fear is not being liked and me being funny with her at school like me and gidst are since we fell out……..so what am I doing? I’m being ok with her……….so she gets me out of the way and gets to crack on with custard and gidst AND have me being on with her?????? How is that fair!?
That meant to say me being ok with her……
Can I just say also, I like you, you make me laugh! Where are you based?
Sorry for the delay. Can you believe it's been too hot to operate a laptop?! It's also too hot to have more than one candle lit in the evening! Bit cooler tonight, though so...quick-quick-quick!, LOL...
"The village we live in is full of people on the tools (electricians, plumbers etc etc) which my husband is not! He places high level people into IT jobs (your talking £500 a day plus sort of people). He is very intelligent but we have nothing at all in common with these people!"
Oh, for flip's sake!...White Collar meets Blue?....no WONDER you can't find anyone with things in-common with you. You moved to the wrong place/culture. We're talking different worlds!
(Why am I telling YOU this!)
People always, always overlook or underestimate what a huge influence culture makes...always. And classes have different value systems.
Well, anyway, I'm glad you've caught up with what I observed in the beginning - surrounded by 'idiots' - which let's not forget, can apply just as easily when it's a case of people dumbing THEMSELVES down, this case through being constantly, obsessively in hustling-for-business mode, to the point where 'normal etiquette be damned' and it spills over into - and as we see, COMPLETELY mucks-up - the social lives of the wives - sorry, SALES STAFF!
These are not your people. Their incomes will be more hand-to-mouth, putting them in jungle/survival of the fittest (and lickiest) mode.
In that case, making as many friends and contacts outside of your village - and seeing your house location as just a base - would without question be your best bet. That or moving again? There's no shame in that...it happens...especially when you move quite a distance. (Estate Agents misled you, did they?)
I guess that's why it's taken you this long to pin the tail on the donkey (- ass, LOL), eh? Didn't feel ready to face up to the fact that you and hubby had chosen the wrong location? Perhaps didn't look into the area thoroughly enough? (Assuming you even could have?)
I don't think that group are more well to do at all. I think they're the most socially-climbing, but that (there's no pretending class doesn't exist in UK so let's just deal with What Is) you and hubby have unwittingly stepped DOWN a rung on ladder, which is where you've met this clique who've moved a rung UP. That in actual fact would make you a full two rungs distant, normally. This doesn't make you shallow, it just makes you used to a certain way of socially functioning and interacting - which, this doesn't follow. You're suffering Culture Shock, I imagine...must be getting really homesick?
""we are going for dinner with them tonight even though they went round to gidst’s house at the weekend (and she hid it from me)………..ffs - I HATE all this s!$t!!!!!!!!!!!."
So how did that go? Anyone get any work out of it? (pmsl)
PS: I think you'll find all genuine people, including those whom lately *aren't* having to sacrifice their social lives to make enough monthly income, would hate it too. But we have to accept, with this clearer data, that this is not personal and never was. Because that group is NOT a social circle, FTL. It's a bloody Co-Op. And the school ground is their sales office and showground. If you're a paying client, you matter and are woo-ed. If not - invisible. Same for if you seem to be a prospect - which I'll bet at first you did....seeing it now?
What are your surrounding villages like
I'm in Spain. (And thank-you very much - same to you.) Moved here (from Surrey) (yes, Green Welly Ville) before Brexit deadline...although, fat lot of use that mad-panic did me (lies and constantly moving goalposts). All of us newbies agree - and in fact so, now, do the vets - that it's not the same place since Brexit and Covid and now bloody WWIII...too many beaurocratic messes, delays, even the simplest things take ages etc, and quite a few Spanish directing their resentment (subtly but palpably) at the ex-pat Brits (which doesn't make sense, if they'd think about it!)....and a terrible shortage of contractors (and waiting staff) - exactly what I didn't need. And.... rather spooky, considering I've just realised you've got almost the exact same problem as me! It's taken me a year-and-a-half to find people on my intellectual and moral level (which tend to be inextricably linked anyway). I have found some, though (phuh-EW!). Plus I still have visits and frequent phonecalls with the "keepers" from UK. But it's definitely been like sifting through a lucky-dip barrel, both socially AND in trying to find someone (be they Spanish or English) with skills but also a shred of manners and integrity(!!) to do repairs and enhancements inside and out. (And I thought British Gas et al were bad when it came to turning up on-time!)
However, now we ex-pats have the added, bigger fish problem of the anticipated continuation in the rise in temperature, which, they warn, is going to render Spain as hot as pigging Dubai?! If that's true then I need to think very seriously about moving again, to a cooler country. ("Will the real Spain Shady stand up!")
France was my second choice.
"Uh!", though... I've only just moved here!
The world's in such disarray, it's really disturbing, isn't it.
So anyway, I think, as I say, you're going to have to cease seeing this in terms of preferences or popularity and see it for what it is. A great big pool of hirers and workers - interchangeably. I repeat: a co-op. Or do I mean, consortium?
They haven't got time or headspace for socialising. It's just client-trades-client wooing, 24-7.
If it's any help - 2 of the 3 good friends I've made are in nearby villages. It does make a difference.
PS: Ol' Gail and her husband are going to get a disappointing shock once they run out of work to give them, aren't they.
Talked about blurred lines? I'll bet NONE of them would dare phone the other at 3am with a problem. That's the eternal acid test of a genuine friendship, after all. Anything less is just an acquaintance.
This is WHY you're not supposed to mix business and pleasure. However, circumstances don't always give one that luxury...least of all these days.
Tell you what, though - I LITERALLY haven't ceased sweating - or enjoyed dry hair - 24/7 since mid July. Same goes for having the floor fan going.
Mid July is the new August here. Whereas, going by last year and what they're saying this - August is the new Hades.
I can't really say that Wet is my look, ugh.
Things to do: beach or pool. It literally is too hot and humid for anything else. And that includes evening...you can forget about eating out - not just because it's daytime temperatures, but the fact that the heat wipes your appetite. Even watering my naya potplants before sundown (which I have to do in order to get in there before the evening mozzies and other biting insects come out) leaves me drenched and practically crawling over the threshold with heat exhaustion.
(I'm a celebrity - get me out of here!!!)
Cheers for the whinge, LOL. Your turn again...
You've been very quiet? Any update?
Hey! Everything is fine and dandy 😁. I’m loving my new drama free life……I just wish best b$&ch and the other one (I can’t even remember her name 🤣) would stop messaging me! Firstly it was about holiday clubs for the boys and I have said mine isn’t interested in going then the other one text me meaningless information about their Guinea pig dying and asking me about good vets. Didn’t ask to meet up or anything just keeping her hand in and trying to keep me on a string - well it isn’t happening. To be fair, best b@$ch has been a bit quiet - she tagged me in something on Facebook which I was very surprised about. I didn’t want to reply but I also didn’t want to be rude so I just replied a very normal message.
I am finding it hilarious how I am unnerving them, they literally don’t know how to react but I can’t help thinking that they will get their own back. She’s already started posting things on FB to piss me off and tagging in Best B. I’ve muted her so I don’t see her updates etc now and I’m posting all the time, interacting with people on there, last night I went out with Gail and another of the mums from our boys class to the pub, it was a good night!
I feel like a new woman! So much so that I resent them even more that I’ve been under this massive cloud for so long and I’ve realised just how much it’s impacted me and my life for the last 10 years and it makes me sad that I couldn’t see it. I feel like I’ve wasted 10 years of my life.
Oh and also Gail is moving house and is looking at a house round the corner from girl I don’t speak to. Her son slept over lastnight and sat at the dinner table telling me how excited he was that he was going to be living round the corner from her son who is also in their class at school. I felt sick…….I have no doubt that the next move from best bitch and girl I don’t speak to will definitely be to get Gail on board. I just feel my happiness is going to be very short lived so I’m not getting to comfortable just yet. Still 4 weeks of the holidays before I have to see them - yay! I also still have to get through the next birthday with no present giving. Maybe then she’ll get the hint like BB has!
How are you? How’s the heat?
Random bit of news…..we have a new kitten 😁. I hand reared him……I’ve saved his life twice and now he’s ours!
How are you doing?? I hope you are surviving the heat!
Second birthday has gone and I didn’t give a present. Feeling empowered and free!!!!! Never felt better. Just wanted to say thank you so so much for all of your support throughout it all. THANKYOU!
Oh fgs - I didn't get an alert for this - really sorry!
I am finding the heat very hard going, yes. I've been battling with it for a whole five weeks now and, following last week's ridiculous increase, am KNACKERED. However, my fingers still work and it's not so hot tonight that I can't have my laptop on my lap like during said spike (kid you not). Mind you, there's been a lot kicking-off in real-life, anyway - INCLUDING a situation EX-ACT-LY like yours!....Thought they were firm for-life friends (did necessitate having to bite lip a bit etc., etc., drip-drip, things buried not easily recalled...), re-grew her self-assertion skills, tried to assert herself (a PERFECT right), did it nicely, no normal person would have taken it negatively as a criticism at all, but...BAM! Masks came off, leaving two monsters in their place,...cruel acts and comments, including (as usual) going too far, on Fakebook. And yes, they too are Plastique Fantastique (so-called benigns, not personality disordered level....as far as we know, I should add), wholly concerned with how things look in short-term over how they FEEL or turn out in the long-term. Veneer first - people/relationships second (or nowhere).
I immediately thought of you, is what I'm saying.
I haven't read ahead so let me paste it in...
"Hey! Everything is fine and dandy 😁. I’m loving my new drama free life"
Oh, EXCELLENT! Really plesed to hear that! Good, speedy" recovery, Madam.
"……I just wish best b$&ch and the other one (I can’t even remember her name 🤣) would stop messaging me!"
They're Hoovering you. I've warned my RL person to expect this.
Their very unhealthy or broken egos can't cope with being the dumpee. If they're tormenting you but it's not working to make YOU beg to come back (because being friends with them is better than this torment) (not!...remember they under-estimate you), then their dumping of you suddenly appears the other way round - to them and others. They can't have that, now. So they lure you back, treat you better for a too-brief period (love-bombs), just for however long it takes to lure you into a false sense of security, then leak out their punishment onto you for having dared reject them (Barbie, Tressie and Patch). The punishment is also for still having the CONFIDENCE to be that strong and sassy (which must mean they can't have been chipping hard and fast enough, i.e. they shock-horror FAILED first time around, and will have to do it harder following said quick 2nd honeymoon) or (even less flatteringly to them) seem to prefer SOLITUDE to them (stand back!). Sufffice to say, it's worse second time around as well as pointless. If they wanted you BACK for GOOD REASONS, that would have had to have been a continuation of pre- and long-established feelings for you, in WHICH case, they'd have wanted you the first time round and kept it expressed and NOT RISKED LOSING YOU BY TREATING YOU LIKE POO DESPITE YOU EXPLAINED IT TO THEM MULTIPLY (am shouting at them, not you).
"Firstly it was about holiday clubs for the boys and I have said mine isn’t interested in going"
(...and since I don't want to see you, that leaves zero reason and motivation. LOL)
Beautiful veiled, inadvertent insult (yeah, you're innocent but your inner animal isn't and I llllike its styyyle!). They'll be getting this. It'll be driving them POTTY!
It basically translates to if you'd just said, UGH, NO!
"then the other one text me"
Ohh, fancy that! LOL They're the Weathervane Couple. ("YOU try her!", LOL)
Things are obviously very boring, too, without you back at their ranch.
" meaningless information about their Guinea pig dying and asking me about good vets. Didn’t ask to meet up or anything just keeping her hand in and trying to keep me on a string - well it isn’t happening."
Keeping you hooked just enough aka warm on the side...Yeah, but they don't know that it ain't happening (although they suspect/fear it). So - you see? You're getting vengeance - tormenting them back - just by naturally being yourself (how effort-free is that!) while you continue standing-up for yourself and what you want and need from A Friendship. (A pigging bond and pigging apology would be a start, eh, instead of all this pretending nothing's wrong crap (same inability as Lily's dud, note). But then you remember they're not capable (if they had, we wouldn't be here). It's called, Trying To Press The Relationship Re-Set Button if you want to google.)
"To be fair, best b@$ch has been a bit quiet - she tagged me in something on Facebook which I was very surprised about. I didn’t want to reply but I also didn’t want to be rude so I just replied a very normal message."
Why are you assuming being a bit quiet is somehow a positive sign about her in this situation? I mean...Am I right in saying, she was the only person from your past that you brought back into your new life and this new school?
Might that say anything to you? (Just want you to frisk the past a bit harder?)
"I am finding it hilarious how I am unnerving them,"
Ah-hah - you're ahead of me! Well done. And, Yes, aforesaid natural vengeance. Look at this and file it, in another way: You being your best, most self-respecting version of you, HURTS THEM. As well as shows them up.
If it's merely harmless ego-equalising, getting back some of one's pride, especially if it happens automatically like that but you happen to notice and harness it - I'm all for it. It's like they deflated the air out of you so you're syphoning the air out of them now, for as long as you can. It was your air to begin with so - fair dos. Just don't see that as your ONLY source of re-inflation or - you're dependent on them again, this time more negatively.
The effect of people like this, through their mal-behaviour, remember, is ADDICTION. And you don't even have to be pre-disposed to addiction - NO human is immune (which is why they're known as Emotonially Dangerous), and the healthier, the more kind and generous and unique a specimen, the LESS immune you are. Don't interact/use them too much, keep control of it, not it of you. If you start to feel a pull, especially over doing something else, go offline and quiet for 3 days minimum and de-tox.
"they literally don’t know how to react"
I know. Because it's not in their well-worn, rigid script. It is quite hilarious from your position, isn't it...guiltily so. It's quite simple, why, though. They take us back - ALL OF US - into the playground with its playground mentality. Your inner chlld doesn't GO...ANYWHERE. She's still inside you. Precisely why you're not a true adult until you can keep her controlled (whenever necessary).
"but I can’t help thinking that they will get their own back. She’s already started posting things on FB to piss me off and tagging in Best B. I’ve muted her so I don’t see her updates etc now and I’m posting all the time, interacting with people on there, last night I went out with Gail and another of the mums from our boys class to the pub, it was a good night!"
Then they're NOT getting their own back. And nor does it sound like they could, let alone will. Please re-read your own empirical counter-evidence (ya 'nana, lol).
Never forget (this will help): to any normal healthy onlookers, they are in the process of REALLY showing themselves up, behaving off-puttingly and marking themselves. People are not stupid (especially since this behaviour's been under the public spotlight for a long time now...the long grass everywhere has been shorn, leaving the snakes exposed or more easily spotted). Nor are they blind and deaf. Continue to let them keep poo-ing down their own trouser-legs. It just makes you look even more gorgeous.
It's all good in the hood. :-) You're doing really well...top of the class, mate, Gold star!
Probably why this next statement, eh!
"I feel like a new woman!"
Well, go FIND one, then! (LOL)
But seriously - yes, if you feel that great then strike while the iron's hot and CIRCULATE, DWAHLING! (Don't get too-close-too-soon again, though...that's one of the main ways they hook you so hard...Remember you're underfed and liable to gorge if offered a banquet table as a lure or hook...just nibble, lol..and chew everything until it's baby puree before swallowing...solids should be introduced gradually (chuckles at own analogy).
Noted I'm giggling. You're very infectious, in case you didn't know it? Thank uck you're a healthy-decent or we'd all be in trouble! But I can see why they needed you around - AND hobbled against ever leaving them (how verray dare hyou). Their get-togethers will be a bit boring, now. Guess that's why the size of the bombardment, eh... bit of drama to distract them from their otherwise boring brew.
"So much so that I resent them even more that I’ve been under this massive cloud for so long and I’ve realised just how much it’s impacted me and my life for the last 10 years and it makes me sad that I couldn’t see it. I feel like I’ve wasted 10 years of my life."
Said RL person said exactly the same thing. EXACTLY! (But then, there's a rigid (unavoidable) script for the target (in response to the mistreatment) so that's not surprising, but it'll do you good to know you're not alone in this, that as we speak it is going on bloody everywhere.)
"Oh and also Gail is moving house and is looking at a house round the corner from girl I don’t speak to."
"Her son slept over lastnight and sat at the dinner table telling me how excited he was that he was going to be living round the corner from her son who is also in their class at school. I felt sick"
Then you are still slipping into the old habit of thinking of these people as WHOLE PEOPLE. You can't be whole if (and we have ample evidence in their NOW PERVASIVE attitude & behaviour patterns) you're missing the side of you that takes you above Animal into Human - it's not possible. I realise that, this sign indicating heavily that Gail is plastic at heart, too, has only just hit the press, but try to flip her, quick.
Your next friend will have no links to them whatsoever.
If you feel as if you're the one who's been rejected - no, you are not. You grew, out-grew them - and just that perfectly normal, natural development is enough to pose to them as a rejection. They see it that you start sounding and acting far too intelligent and healthy AND GROWN-UP for them (including daring not to take nonsense or pander to immature behaviour). 'You' show them up. They can't compete (and their friendships are always founded on competing and being the winner, you the loser), it makes them feel Not Superior, they cannot change and improve to match up, so all they've left to do, like a child, is channel their anger and frustration at themselves and the situation into hating you...so they Devalue then Discard (or fake discard as a frightener to make you fall into line).
BUT...you could - it was humanly possible, despite impossible to someone as big as YOU - have chosen NOT to rock the boat (merely complaining). Plenty do. Plenty put up with playground nonsense, rather than be alone or on the "losing" team (winning, actually - outcomes consistently show so). Those plenty are the ones with too little self-pride and -respect. So - not just the in-person ghosting but even before that - you bit-by-increasing-bit rejected THEM. Because you do not enjoy feeling the way Unhealth makes you feel...you DO have other options. You would NOT rather be un-ha-ppy than a-lone, you would rather be a-lone (for a bit) than un-ha-ppy (sing it, Whitney!).
Although it's a natural reaction and misconception, you need to meanwhile remember that there is literally no logical or rational reason to feel sick (betrayed again), this is IN FACT a symptom of more toxins coming out/the attachment umbilicus shrivelling and dropping off. But because it's new and alien (no programme or label for it), your mind searches for what else it resembles: heartache, distress, anxiety, offense or a whole cocktail. Every time these broken kids in adult suits do something else to make you "feel sick", it's another portion of attachment (to them, the past, what you used to think was what...) coming away. It's a good thing. Definitely keep letting yourself feel like this...getting them and the entire threatre they dragged you into, out of your system.
What inevitably comes along is what I call The Final Insult. This is when the umbilicus falls to the floor and suddenly it dawns on you that you literally feel NOTHING for them or about them...just pity but with too much revulsion to put you off putting it into practise with them. And then you clock them again and they strangely seem PUNY! And ridiculous Completely disempowered, is why.
"…….I have no doubt that the next move from best bitch and girl I don’t speak to will definitely be to get Gail on board. I just feel my happiness is going to be very short lived so I’m not getting to comfortable just yet. Still 4 weeks of the holidays before I have to see them - yay! I also still have to get through the next birthday with no present giving. Maybe then she’ll get the hint like BB has!"
If Gail's choice of house is closer to them than ever, that's pretty inevitable. Or else Gail will try to continue sitting on the fence and being friends with both camps. But that bit is YOUR decision, not hers.
To preserve your happiness you need to, as I say, get out and about and bump into someone else with a vacancy. (And don't mention this episode until you and your new friend have been 'going steady' for a good 6 months minimum and she's proven she reciprocates (with normal little divulgences).
"Random bit of news…..we have a new kitten 😁. I hand reared him……I’ve saved his life twice and now he’s ours!"
Brilliant news! Fantastic therapy on little legs! And a wonderful distraction. So in fact, you have a new friend already!
And I'll bet he's thrilled as well! Saved him twice, how? Details please?
"Second birthday has gone and I didn’t give a present. Feeling empowered and free!!!!! Never felt better. Just wanted to say thank you so so much for all of your support throughout it all. THANKYOU!"
OMG, nor did my RL person!
Final insult = final confirmation, eh? Excellent. You can have peace of mind now.
You're very welcome but - don't you want to stick around so we can see you get to your chequered flag? Or perhaps you just said that because at that point I seemed not to be still interested? Apologies again - no such thing. I'm the long-hauler here so - go for it if you still want? It's really helpful and comforting for readers to see a happy ending, gives them the courage to make the leap themselves. (Haha, no pressure.)
"Second birthday has gone and I didn’t give a present. Feeling empowered and free!!!!! Never felt better. Just wanted to say thank you so so much for all of your support throughout it all. THANKYOU!"
OMG, nor did my RL person!
Final insult = final confirmation, eh? Excellent. You can have peace of mind now.
You're very welcome but - don't you want to stick around so we can see you get to your chequered flag? Or perhaps you just said that because at that point I seemed not to be still interested? Apologies again - no such thing. I'm the long-hauler here so - go for it if you still want? It's really helpful and comforting for readers to see a happy ending, gives them the courage to make the leap themselves. (Haha, no pressure.)
PS: who was this other woman that came to the pub with you and Gail?
Hey, How are you? Has the heat calmed down a bit for you!? The weather has turned here in the UK and we are properly in Autumn now (my fave time of year despite my tendancy to suffer with SAD).
I totally missed your question about the other woman, it is another mum from school who is ok. It's all kind of gone out of the window anyway now because we are making plans to move to another city!! We are still bumping into the other mums constantly and even my husband finds it awkward and we looked around us and wondered what is even here for us where we live.....we aren't happy and the world is our oyster however we are looking at moving back to where he grew up in South Yorkshire and renting for a while to get us there quicker. All just in talks at present but it's exciting!
I have seen and said hello to other girl and spoken to best b$tch just chit chat. Neither of them have contacted me to question my actions and fought for me which says it all to be honest. They are all always in their little covern in the school car park (even though other girls daughter doesn't even go to the school anymore as she has moved to high school but she works nearby so parks in the school car park everyday just so she can see best bitch etc.....it's so utterly SAD. I am SO glad to be out of this living in each others pockets!! Gail has also disapointed me massively and she will more often than not walk in with them and park near them in the car park......then she doesn't understand why I get funny with her! Well she can sod off too now anyway, after us taking her away for her birthday on a corporate event all expenses paid hotel everything as part of my husbands company she has since completely been a rubbish friend. It was his birthday last week and i saw her the day before and mentioned it in passing as we were going to take the kids to choose their cards and she wanted to pop round for a coffee - they didnt even text him to say happy birthday! No acknowledgement - nothing! Now I'm not expecting it but given what he did for her birthday and the fact I'd mentioned it only the day prior I really dont think it's too much to ask. It's really getting on my wick!
Glad that little rant is out of the way! I am sorry to hear you have also been having problems, I think most people do have issues, perhaps other people aren't as vocal about it?
Snowed-under, cheers. Don't go away and I'll "beeee baaack" just as soon as!
Yes, a lot of people see some sort of shame in finding themselves, possibly entirely uncharacteristically in their lifetime, in dire straits both financially and practically, into emotionally, even though it's not their fault and due to the global crises. The longer it goes on, the more it chips away at their confidence. So, feeling incredibly vulnerable as their starting point, it's then too much a "teeth grit" to summon the strength to reveal honestly to others how bad they really feel and to please help, because (- a part of that mindset) there's always a possibility of refusal/rejection. They feel vulnerable and helpless enough without risking aexacerbating it - long-shot or not. And that's especially true if at whatever point in their they had most of their ability to trust seriously or permanently knocked out of them.
They must, though. So it's obviously better to speak up sooner than later, while you've still got enough skin left for it not to hurt that much.
Heat-wise, it's calmed down now, thanks. Between 26 and 31 in the daytime but now cool or even very slightly nippy in the evening, depending on how hot the daytime or cloudy the nighttime... like an English Indian Summer, I suppose. And you?
I worry about people in England. And did you see the footage of Truss and the Greenpeace protestors at the Tory conference? Is it just me or did you get whiffs of Gilliad? Dystopian or what! And the looks of smug spitefulness on her face. "Wheeeuuugh...".
That aside - Trickle Down works, yes, but takes roughly two years to work. People - even the previously comfortably-off now! - need financial help IMMEDIATELY. They know that. Obviously can't relate to how it FEELS one iota, eh.
Their (cough) type really DO get 'you' when 'you're' down, don't they!
Anyhoo (wipes down brain with damp cloth)...
"I totally missed your question about the other woman, it is another mum from school who is ok. It's all kind of gone out of the window anyway now because we are making plans to move to another city!!"
Are you? What - because of this, or were there other problems going on at the same time?
"We are still bumping into the other mums constantly and even my husband finds it awkward"
Well, that must be very validating for you, then. Good.
"and we looked around us and wondered what is even here for us where we live"
Yup. But you did indicate it was because the house was a bit of a bargain for what it was?
"....we aren't happy and the world is our oyster however we are looking at moving back to where he grew up in South Yorkshire and renting for a while to get us there quicker. All just in talks at present but it's exciting!"
Ecky-Thomp! Tha had better stody op on thaa Yorkshire acsunt afore thaa go, lass? LOL
Oooh....Licorice root sticks and Burton & Bradstock's Dandelion & Burdoch. Num-num...
"I have seen and said hello to other girl and spoken to best b$tch just chit chat. Neither of them have contacted me to question my actions and fought for me which says it all to be honest."
Yup. Actions and lack of actions...don't care at all or not enough for putting into practise.
"They are all always in their little covern (sic) in the school car park (even though other girls daughter doesn't even go to the school anymore as she has moved to high school but she works nearby so parks in the school car park everyday just so she can see best bitch etc.....it's so utterly SAD."
Yeah - agree! Talking about fear of embracing change and holding on and back for dear life? Or should I say, talk about addicted. (Mm-hmm) Both, probably. After all, analogously-speaking - you've got to REALLY NEED a drink to chase that hard after the bottle-holder, eh.
"I am SO glad to be out of this living in each others pockets!!"
Yeah - really stifling and strait-jacketing. All that walking on eggshells and bending-over-backwards as well. I can't be doing with all that nonsense, having (er) people foist their issues and negative feelings onto me via the back door. Fine if they ask nicely. Otherwise - sod-off...basically. May as well just wipe their bums and noses whilst I was at it. If I'm going to be tricked or coerced (doesn't work on me, anyway) into do that, though, then I'd rather it were a real toddler. At the very least, they're FUN and smile and giggle a lot.
"Gail has also disapointed me massively and she will more often than not walk in with them and park near them in the car park......then she doesn't understand why I get funny with her!"
What is she - retarded? I love how these 'people' even prefer being viewed as dumb as uck than be forced to be called to account and explain themselves. Just goes to show you how incredibly nasty or potentially self-ruinous what they're hiding must BE to do THAT, doesn't it! ....Ooer.. they COULD be a coven for all you know? That would explain a lot, wouldn't it.
" Well she can sod off too now anyway, after us taking her away for her birthday on a corporate event all expenses paid hotel everything as part of my husbands company she has since completely been a rubbish friend."
Yeah, as I've just said on someone else's thread: unlike Narcs, Givers don't give with the expectation of receiving or to gain gratitude. But what we EQUALLY DON'T expect, is ANTI-GRATITUDE, ZERO APPRECIATION, EVEN. Diff/all the diff.
UK friend of mine...offered a pervasively flakey (but subtly so) friend a free, quite expensive ticket with her and her teen daughter to a show. After it was over (nightttime), the selfish, ungrateful witch didn't even think to offer to save my non-driving friend a long wait and bus-ride home. GOOD. GUH-RIEF. I would have INSISTED. I'd have bought all the drinks and snacks at intermission. But at LEAST a lift home. ...That's beyond selfish and thoughtless, eh. Dump The Dud already, I said.
It's always just a matter of time before these narcs can no longer hold their 'breath' on (or keep their over-large arse from spilling out of their over-tight trousers, whichever).
"It was his birthday last week and i saw her the day before and mentioned it in passing as we were going to take the kids to choose their cards and she wanted to pop round for a coffee - they didnt even text him to say happy birthday! No acknowledgement - nothing! Now I'm not expecting it but given what he did for her birthday and the fact I'd mentioned it only the day prior I really dont think it's too much to ask. It's really getting on my wick!"
O.M.G. And basically the same story as my RL friend, look. Yup, they're everywhere, alright.
So when's the move? Have you had an offer on the Yorkshire house accepted?
And what have you been fantasising about in terms of how you'd love to put your goodbye to these lovely, lllooovely, ladies and their pointy hats? Cue "50 Ways To Lose Your Lover" song (nobody made a friend version, sadly).
PS: Are people who aren't connected, or no longer connected to the school allowed to use it as a free-of-charge car-park, then?
Are the official car-parks in that area all chargeable?
See the over-entitlement again? INCREDIBLE.