Difficulty with adult friendships
I am new here. I am having difficulty with adult friendships - namely fellow mums at school.
I fell out with one of the mums early on and living in a small suburb with no other schools in the area means she is always at school and we have to see one another regularly. My issue is that I have made the effort to branch out and I have made other friends independently of her.....my best friend unfortunately became close to her around the time we fell out and unfortunately my friend prioritised her as their husbands are friends and work together. It has taken a LONG time, however I have accepted they are now best friends and me and my friend aren't as close.
3 years ago I got to know one of my ex best friends friends when our children started 'going out' and the 3 of us have formed a real bond, even going out as a 6 with husbands for meals and drinks or walks as families. It has been great and I felt I'd finally found 'my place' and my own group of my people independent of the woman I don't speak to.
fast forward more recently and my ex best friend has started arranging for the woman I don't speak to to get together with our other friend and they appear to slowly be becoming a 3 like we are and have even met up for nights out and hidden it from us. I am deeply hurt and I have stood by and watched every single friend slowly become friends with her......I have had a go at them about this and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost. Is it really too much to expect some loyalty here? I would have thought given how much it has hurt me each time it's happened I would have thought if they were proper friends they wouldn't stand by and watch me in emotional turmoil?
"I am new here. I am having difficulty with adult friendships - namely fellow mums at school. "
Earwigo again (not you...this old chestnut)...
"I fell out with one of the mums early on and living in a small suburb with no other schools in the area means she is always at school and we have to see one another regularly. My issue is that I have made the effort to branch out and I have made other friends independently of her.)"
Well, wait a minute - didn't either of you want to try to fix things?
Missing jigsaw piece - please supply?
"....my best friend unfortunately became close to her around the time we fell out and unfortunately my friend prioritised her as their husbands are friends and work together."
Really?! Then she was not ever your "best friend". She was a circumstantial one, hence why a more fitting circumstance-on-legs could so easily replace yours-on-legs.
Good god - what is this - Image Central? (Commiserations!)
" It has taken a LONG time, however I have accepted they are now best friends and me and my friend aren't as close."
Nah. Not yet, you haven't. You've put up with it because there's nothing you can do and you don't want dischord spilling over and possibly affecting your child's social life. (Normal)
I mean - fairenoughski if people switch initial places/pairings for more similar friends but, a bit of bloody ladylike-ness and healthier, less incredibly shallow reasons behind it wouldn't go amiss?
You must be well peed-off. MADAM, YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS.
You never leave it, you know. The playground. You think you do, but you don't. This could equally be taking place in some office. But, some adults revert to past type the minute they set foot back onto school ground.
"3 years ago I got to know one of my ex best friends friends when our children started 'going out' and the 3 of us have formed a real bond, even going out as a 6 with husbands for meals and drinks or walks as families. It has been great and I felt I'd finally found 'my place' and my own group of my people independent of the woman I don't speak to."
"fast forward more recently and my ex best friend has started arranging for the woman I don't speak to to get together with our other friend and they appear to slowly be becoming a 3 like we are and have even met up for nights out and hidden it from us. I am deeply hurt and I have stood by and watched every single friend slowly become friends with her......I have had a go at them about this and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost. Is it really too much to expect some loyalty here? I would have thought given how much it has hurt me each time it's happened I would have thought if they were proper friends they wouldn't stand by and watch me in emotional turmoil?"
OH, GOOD GRIEF! It just gets worse!
No, they would NOT - correct!
Then your so-called Ex "Best" Friend is trying to exploit (what you feel is) your slightly delicate social position to keep attempting to push you out of every comfy chair you sit in and start to feel safe in!
"I have had a go at them about this and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost."
Wish you hadn't done that because that's what best b*tch was hoping would happen (she's done this lots of times). They needle you senseless and then when you can no longer help but however-much lose the plot, turn around and say - See? She's crazy - I told you she was! Usually to people who don't have all the facts or even understand the complete context nor what led to that protest of yours.
Best b*tch - to go to all that trouble as calls for petty, Machievelli machinating - is clearly jealous of and threatened by you (you "at happier rest" make her look and sound, or even just FEEL, less impressive) and to a degree that is rather too characteristic. Oh, bloody hell, there's always bloody ONE...
Before we jump to your solution, though, let's just twist everything back to reality, shall we? :
"and now their husbands think I am weird and have told my 2 friends they should tell me to get lost"
Did you hear their husbands SAY this or just hear it from these 2 friends?
"Is it really too much to expect some loyalty here? "
At that school - St. Plastic - apparently, is it, yes! So far, anyway. I mean, you haven't sampled EVERY mum, have you. All you've sampled, if you think about it, is one shite circle and its peripherals.
Anyway, here's what you can do (which you'll wish you'd done sooner, so simple is it). First, you need to recover your confidence....your Mojo, which forms part of your allure. Then you arrange an after-school club or two, so that you start getting to know and becoming friends with same-stage parents who cannot be affected or influenced by the petty (yet important and bloody hurtful) psychological warfare-ette going on at kid's school. With every after-school class, even if you stand by yourself at collections, reading a magazine, you'll still be recovering said allure and drawing different mums to you. I mean there MUST be a crowd that can't stand these Plastics?
Even if there isn't, you won't feel so bad. Same goes for if (IF) it does start to affect your kiddie. Neither of you will care enough, will just open your books (or whatever). And WHEN each of you have spent enough time consistently not caring enough - you'll suddenly take on a sort of Really Strong Pack Leader aura, the one everyone (healthy) wants to hang with so starts to gravitate towards.
Tried and tested - by many. :-)
Hope that helps and keep keeping us posted?
PS: Remember that you need TWO best friends so that if one is off school, ill, you still have the other to play with and go into lunch with. (LOL) (It's like you never left, eh.)
(Feel free to meantime reply or continue the discussion if you need to, though, obviously.)
Thank you so much for your reply. It really made me laugh - it was so true!
So in answer to your questions, my ‘friend’ made it quite obvious by arranging things with thing friend and purposely telling me I couldn’t come. When I would arrange things with my friend and not invite her she got upset and said she felt I was purposely trying to keep her seperate and to myself so then she did the same and when I said ‘could I come’ she said no. My other friend didn’t even mention it to me so I just pulled myself away because I was hurt by them both and wanted to protect myself.
You will be glad to hear I am heeding your advice regarding the 2 friendships I did have left from that group with best b!*ch and our joint friend and I have told them I will no longer be coming over to them anymore. I’ve said if they want to see me out of school etc then we can but I won’t be coming over to ‘the group’ anymore. Most mornings I parked at a different spot and not had to even walk past them. Today I pulled into the car park and just walked my child into school. When I came out they were both walking up, they both hugged me but it was very awkward and we just made general convo avoiding talking about what we were all doing because I know they are all getting together tonight with husbands and going out. I think I want them out of my life as friends, I haven’t heard from either of them all week. Best b£%ch is annoyed with me because I’m not going up to them as it makes her feel like I’m being funny with them.
I want to remove myself and not socialize with my 2 friends anymore but I don’t know how without being weird and looking childish. I think it might naturally fizzle out from all sides, we haven’t got a group text going anymore and I don’t hear from them individually either. My friend always used to text me everyday, she’d tell me she loves me but that has all stopped. It hurts…..a LOT and all links back to abandonment in my childhood. How do I get them out of my life without doing a big break up?
OH you poor Soul! Why oh why is there always one Bitch in a group who stirs up all the rest? Can't they just play nice?
This World has very sadly become 'Plastic Fantastic'. It was always there but now it has blown so out of proportion.
Nobody keeps it real anymore. People care more about the image they are presenting than how they treat another.
I feel for you. I don't have any advice as I'm not qualified to give it. However, I feel your frustration, confusion & hurt.
As tough as it is (and it is) don't let the bitches get you down. The mere fact that you have sort this forum out shows what
a way better human being you are than them!
Great response, Trans/Shadow! And I'll bet everyone nodded or shouted YES! - particularly when they read this bit:
"This World has very sadly become 'Plastic Fantastic'. It was always there but now it has blown so out of proportion. Nobody keeps it real anymore. People care more about the image they are presenting than how they treat another."
PS: you don't need to be qualified. Being human, having any experience of the person's problems or intelligence enough to imagine yourself in and empathise, and meaning well - that's it. Carry on - do! Answer as many threads as you like! :-)
FightingThroughLife, (- yeah, tellmeaboudid)
"So in answer to your questions, my ‘friend’ made it quite obvious by arranging things with thing friend and purposely telling me I couldn’t come.
When I would arrange things with my friend and not invite her she got upset and said she felt I was purposely trying to keep her seperate and to myself so then she did the same and when I said ‘could I come’ she said no. My other friend didn’t even mention it to me so I just pulled myself away because I was hurt by them both and wanted to protect myself."
So she was retaliating (without a trial) because of having ungenerously misinterpreted your reason for wanting to protect hers and your friendship, as you not having wanted to share your social circle with her just so's to keep her at your exclusive disposal?
Even leaving her lack of giving you any benefit of the doubt aside - what were you - her introductions agency and social secretary, without even knowing it and agreeing a salary? Who said you have to introduce all your circles if you don't want to? She's got legs and a mouth, hasn't she ("Hi, I've been wanting to come and talk to you three for ages - I'm Blah-Blah!")? So there's a clue then. Looks like Her Ladyship thought being friends with you would include the big fat bonus of a free pass for making her social debut into "societah"...that you could do her "being confident or brave" FOR her, and save her all the effort, meaning you "deserved" revenge because you had refused to DO FOR HER? How very DARE you.
(Send her an invoice - I would.)
Saying that - hadn't you tried to pre-empt this before it happened by explaining why you wouldn't be introducing her to this particular gaggle? Or hadn't it even needed explaining?
...Not that it matters all that much now. You obviously got her wrong (or she helped you to) and in fact she was perfect for them. Plus, what's crystal-clear, anyway, is these particular women are SO NOT your type...Shallow Shelleys and Brain-dead Barbies (all because none of them have any adult confidence..."safety in numbers", remember?). Which is fine if that's how they like it! (..until one of them needs working human kindness, of course).
Trust me - these gals got rejected in the past many more times than you did. Or had a fear of it too cultivated in them. Hence the gathering out of fear and hypervigilance and wanting to stick close to bullies (while they're never the one in the crosshairs). For protection.
I know you've been desperate to be safe and comfy, and long term, which is perfectly natural and understandable, but this desperation is what got you into this mess - by having made you (unaware of this influence) sacrifice your true standards and desires and SETTLING...ONLY FOR *LESS* - and then staying and trying to make it work (shoehorn them) for too damned long and/or on too many occasions, whereby you got to see beneath the surface seemingly petty to the toxicity. (Welcome to Amber Heard's marriage! hah!) (Johnny Depp may be lovely in lots of ways but he too obviously lacks the skills and training to be anyone's romantic partner...flouncing and stonewalling, enough to drive ANY proactive, fix-it type of woman mad!) (sorry, LOL). So this is why you're going to have to do the legwork to gather yourself a better posse for a wee bit longer, I'm afraid (no pain, no gain). ...Although now I've just pasted and read this next bit, you can scratch that and just bear it in mind in the future (and yes - very glad, well done!):
"You will be glad to hear I am heeding your advice regarding the 2 friendships I did have left from that group with best b!*ch and our joint friend and I have told them I will no longer be coming over to them anymore. I’ve said if they want to see me out of school etc then we can but I won’t be coming over to ‘the group’ anymore."
Let me tell you what basically you've just off in motion: You have ostracised "the pack". Only a TOP BOSS of any "company" has the confidence and self-assurance to fire/ostracise a GROUP of people all at-once, ...The Majority - when technically you were thought of unquestionably as the minority. PROVING you've that confidence by DOING it (Nike!), says: I OWN THIS COMPANY. AND I'VE DECIDED TO RELOCATE IT. BUT THAT MEANS YOU, YOU, AND YOU...OH, AND YOU, I'M LETTING GO - WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.
HAHA, I know I said start an outside club but - talk about stretching the brief and gold-plating it!? Brilliant.
This isn't just Rejection (which is shocking and painful enough). It's the almighty Ostracisation. (It kills horses, doncha know.) Their (clearly) fragile egos will be desperate to oppose that change of positioning. So first they'll try "asserting their authoritah" to get you taking it all back (in a way that maintains the public illusion they're the boss - so preferably by begging and fawning) and, when that doesn't work (because you've consistently ignored or blanked it (doing Grey Rock but staying civil and mock-warm for your kid's sake), they'll start licking, e.g. trying to appeal to your better nature (pity plays, bribing you...all the tricks). Finding oneself ostracised is painful enough for every human, but the egos of people like this especially, just won't let them live with being ostracised, so it's unlikely they won't "not do" anything to reinstate the old status quo.
Assuming you take it all the way CONSISTENTLY, you therefore position yourself as its (Dark Horse style) truer Leader (with types like that, anyway) ON ANY GROUND, not just at school.
Not that it'll make any difference to you WHAT they want and try, but - forewarned is forearmed and all that.
Being seen to be PERMANENTLY REJECTABLE does NOT accord well with the image of someone who's JUST FFFFAB!, does it.
"Most mornings I parked at a different spot and not had to even walk past them. Today I pulled into the car park and just walked my child into school. When I came out they were both walking up, they both hugged me"
THEY walked up, THEY hugged you? Christ, it's working alredy!!! (I swear I didn't read ahead, lOL!)
"but it was very awkward and we just made general convo avoiding talking about what we were all doing because I know they are all getting together tonight with husbands and going out. I think I want them out of my life as friends, I haven’t heard from either of them all week. Best b£%ch is annoyed with me because I’m not going up to them as it makes her feel like I’m being funny with them."
Refer to above ostracisation reactions. And - YOU ARE. Lol
Albeit, Awkward isn't (fake) Warmth due to "I'm alright, Jack", is it. It's more a confirmation of your message of not wanting to be their friends any more.
"I want to remove myself and not socialize with my 2 friends anymore but I don’t know how without being weird and looking childish. I think it might naturally fizzle out from all sides, we haven’t got a group text going anymore and I don’t hear from them individually either."
You might be right, then. But I'll bet you any money you like that, as any of them at whatever point end up bitten and spat-out, it'll be YOU they come home to, tails between their legs. What you do at that point will be what you feel like doing based on how they handled their side of things, won't it.
For the benefit of all the lovely viewers at home, FTL, please confirm how surprisingly EASY it was, all things considered - certainly in comparison to how daunting it'd felt - to "TURN THE TABLES" on the bullies/despots.
"My friend always used to text me everyday, she’d tell me she loves me but that has all stopped. It hurts…..a LOT and all links back to abandonment in my childhood."
We know. But your childhood experience wasn't the cause because it's something we're pre-programmed to fear and avoid (we needed it so, back when we were apes and pack equalled stay alive). So just let the hurt happen and run-out - that's how you feel better AND fail to feel it half as much (or at all!) if it happens again.
"How do I get them out of my life without doing a big break up?"
You've done it / you're doing it. With actions/lack of actions (as speak louder and always the truth): You were awkward (= I don't like this and don't want it and wish to be somewhere else right now). Hence, the texts have stopped. She knows you don't "love her" any more.
ANY split will hurt, regardless of the reasons for it or way it happened. If you conquer the pain this time while walking through this test to the finish line - by letting nature (grieving and overcoming a social fear that hampers you) do its thing, you'll from then on be able to choose people you RATE but don't need. And like because - THEIR MORALS MATCH YOURS. Diff/All The Diff. So if you're lucky enough to find their company enjoyable too - that's the perfect recipe...how you end up with Quality AND of a type that lasts beyond school years, even.
Anyway, let me detox you some - because I smell a bit of their virus in you, still:
If you step into a well-established, crowd-sized vibe, a culture, that says, the way schoolmums should be and operate with one another is like THIS, it is very hard not to involuntarily and imperceptibly fall into step AND FORGET that the reason you are there, ACTUALLY, is to drop and collect your kid, attend parent evenings, plays (like your serious career-women mums who just say Hi as they dash past you and that's it, yes?). Friendships with other mothers shouldn't be necessary in order to invite their kid(s) to tea, a farm park or club with your kid ("Yay, Me Time and it's free!")... so that shouldn't affect anything (unless the mothers are so immature they embargo their child and both their and your kid suffer) (in which case they shouldn't be mothers).
But BECOMING friendly with these mothers with each and every kid-focused interaction until you suddenly realise you LIKE EACH OTHER and when you call to collect they start asking you to stay for a coffee so the kids can have 10 more minutes on the seesaw....is how friendship GETS MADE. We do not MAKE friends. They HAPPEN.
Always be concerned and wary with ANY human relationship that starts off too instantly bonded or buddy-buddy and moves along too fast (including finding yourself partaking in the sorts of squabbles that just feel too much too soon for someone you've only known for x weeks, as well as as feature over-familiarity (where you think, You can't shout at/talk to me like this - I'm not your SISTER, you know?!).
Plus, in this context, any school mum friendships should just be a bonus to the BUSINESS of why you are there.
But here's another bit of good news: When the normal, down-to-earth (your type) mums watch you seeming to be great friends with the cliquey plastics, they tend to stay away. AS SOON AS they see or find out you found them so objectionable as to have dumped the lot en-masse (slowly and quietly makes no difference), you'll be "refreshed" as (1) actually safe, (2) cool and ballsy (3) logically, THEIR type (and just neither of you knew it). and possibly (4) the leader they've been looking for (protection from the plastics).
Also, what you've just so instantly, efficiently and above-average bravely done, has squarely identified you. You're not a sheep so you shouldn't have been trying to pack-up with them and that's why it didn't workk.
You're a sheepdog (haha!)
A Pack Leader (better)
(Pleased to meet yourself, LOL)
You're the type that STARTS clubs (and wades in to defend *anyone* who's being unfairly treated - not just yourself).
No WONDER you picked up Ticks!
It still hurts, though, this, yes, but, don't let that ever stop you...think of it like you've had a bit of surgery and are going to feel, first in pain, then sore for a while... "hey-ho, it'll get better soon, won't have to put it with it forever".
PS: " The mere fact that you have sort this forum out shows what a way better human being you are than them!"
Trans is right again - it does as well - that too! Think about it...
Anyway, keep keeping us posted if anything else happens.
Meantime, as I like your vision and class - please do feel free to respond to other people's threads if you'd like to? No worries if you can't.
Thank you for your reply. Nothing else has happened but I am struggling today.
I am baffled by the fact that neither of them have messaged me and I’m convinced the one who used to text frequently and tell me each chore she was about to do/had done and what she had ordered in her food shop has literally ghosted me. I did send her this message last Monday “I won’t be coming over chick. (My husband has said I’m not to anymore because he doesn’t want (girl I fell out with ages ago) coming over when she arrives in a morning and saying things to hurt me. I’ve heard some stuff from (another friend) this weekend and (girl I fell out with ages ago) has said to her she has every intention of keeping on getting you, her and Best bi*ch together so I just need to keep away from now on. I need to put my well-being first. She can only do it while people keep letting her and if people are prepared to see me hurt then I’m better off out of it. I’ll still be around, if you want to talk to me and still come over at school or meet up out of school. We’ve got the afternoon tea booked at the end of June…if you still want to do it, hopefully feelings will have calmed down a bit by then x
This is how she responded: I don’t really know what to say about it all but I can’t change the way you think/feel chick
I don’t intend to change our friendship either 😊
Yes it’s on my calendar for the 24th but thought it was for breakfast or lunch? Xx
What do you make of it?
Bear with, FTL, I'll be back on this evening.
Thank you 😁
You WILL have days when you struggle, and days when you don't. It's grief (massive disappointment, disillusionment, betrayal....A BELIEF has been stomped on). If you picture am actual umbilicus having attached between you and each (what you believed was a) friend - irrespective of whether your side grew more than theirs - it's been chopped off. It's an injury that's going to throb then twinge and more on some days than others (e.g. bad night's sleep, immune system fighting something off, having bad luck...). But you'll have a natural rhythm, separate from those exacerbators (similar to your childbirth contractions).
Might be an idea to keep a Grief Wave diary, to see how far apart they are and how long they tend to last for. That way, you can identify and plan for the good days and have a slobby day and please yourself (as much as possible with kids!) on your down days. Meanwhile, LIKE labour, think this: that's one LESS contraction out of the total.
"She can only do it while people keep letting her and if people are prepared to see me hurt then I’m better off out of it."
"This is how she responded: I don’t really know what to say about it all but I can’t change the way you think/feel chick"
Translation: Not my problem, I don't give one, I don't want to be involved - although I'm going to phrase this as usual with the reminder that you're my 'chick' as means I should.
Behavioural diagnosis: False Intimacy (classic narcissistic symptom). Aka all mouth and no trousers. Aka I don't want to work for your friendship, I want it for free, other than flapping my lips to say all the right things.
The reaction in my head on reading that, would have been: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRFFFFFF, you FAKE! I may as well be hanging off a cliff-edge, asking you to HEEELP, seeing you look down at me and my predicament, but then saying, "No.........sorry, Darling". (Take your Darling and shove it up your- )
"I don’t intend to change our friendship either 😊"
YOU JUST DID.
...Or, wait - is the sky actually PURPLE?! ...Unless what you actually meant (leaked) is, I still won't be lifting any fingers, just the usual lip-flapping, so nothing will change? So what you're saying is, you want all the perks that come to you to continue as usual, but without doing the work that earns them? How rare (not!) for a narcissistic "friend".
(LOL, it's not good news when I start having a direct go at them as if I'm you in that moment, btw.)
There's no real connection here, except from you to her (thanks to fake encouragement like that one). You were just someone to pass time with, not to work jointly with at building a solid bond. Everyone is. Shallow is as shallow does.
Future ref: be wary of anyone that too soon after meeting (e.g. roughly within a month if you see them religiously on a one-to-one once per week or two if once per fortnight, or even just feels a bit soon the first time they say it - because if you FEEL that way you won't have been giving any Green light to warrant it) starts calling you honey, babe, chick, my lovely... Take it as your cue to make like a hawk and watch for whether they use that highly intimate label to start taking liberties. It's a Pink Flag only (in case it's just a bad habit they picked up, but - if they get away with Pink they then go to a Red one.
So - DID she start saying calling you that very soon after your first meeting or get-together, out of interest?
In summary, I reckon she doesn't want to risk her own position in the group by being seen to fraternise with She Who Rejected The (pretend) Dominants, so she's had time to talk herself out of it (because you were Awks?) or LET herself be talked out of it.
Why? Had you believed her to be the best by far of the bad bunch or even secretly more like you than them or something?
I mean - can one argue with that "No I shan't rescue you, honey-bun" translation up there? Do you see how selfish and self-serving she is now?
How you FEEL? Like it's all just in your head? (Classic narc symptom again and - Gimmie the gun!).
Let it hurt.
The cure to the pain and giving a damn is - let it hurt.
If it gets too much, then quickly find something your idea of riveting and engrossing to distract you. But don't cheat at that by bailing to soon every time. Just let it hurt for as long as you can stand in one sitting.
Next time at school collection, stand off by yourself and pretend to be very busy with your phone, while secretly studying the entire sea of mums in your year, see if you can spot a group or various duos of mums who keep glancing over at them as they chat - and not in a good way.
Also, don't forget - you don't WANT to get together with her any more. YOU don't. You were Awks first. That means suddenly formal and witholding your connection. And the reason your let yourself be that natural, truthful way was because you knew that for the sake of your future welfare, you had to burn the bridge, that it would in the foreseeable end prove worth it. So you've not been ghosted as you put it. They have. IN PERSON. Think about it: you, the you they were used to so knew, were still visible and walking around, but no longer there.
That was you ghosting them.
Because they had for too long been making you unhappy. And although you have to be EXTRA-unhappy for a little while - that still beats Increasingly Unhappy Forever - BY A MILE.
Slap your own face for (how very dare you) being so sensible and maternally self-preservationist i.e. intelligent, then - what can I say? LOL
Being so incredibly shallow and irresponsible (aka plain grossly immature and un-adult-like), you must feel incredibly (wait for this Golden Oldie....) "HEAVY", then?
Yes. So find the big-hearted, sincere mums because they are there. It doesn't matter WHERE you are, there will always be roughly half and half Nices (of varying degrees) to Nasties (ditto).
Just atanding apart next time, will not only signal to these nicer mums what's gone on (ergo, logically, why), but opens up the opportunity of one of them approaching YOU.
Remember to smile at anyone who catches your eye.
PS: not saying she is A narc. Just that what's clear is she's that bit too high in narcissism as one of the human traits.
That said, I do, personally, think that "Someone has to do something/help!" getting this back from someone who uses label that heavily implies they would and will, someone who's seen for herself how upset this all makes you -
"Not me, chick!...although I don't mind still coming over for breakfast/lunch/tea".
is just too dysfunctional and too characteristic an attitude after - what was it? - THREE WHOLE YEARS? - to go in the Normal-Healthy range.
I'm thinking you've dodged a massive bullet.
It's zero loyalty as well as shocking & disturbing hard-heartedness. I was shocked and appalled reading it.
After that tenure of friendship and calling each other chick - or even half that time - that's just not natural.
And therefore, this is one of those true instances of, The only way is up.
So I typed out a massive reply, turned over to turn on my fan and deleted the whole lot so I shall aim to reply in short.
You hit the nail on the head re her calling me all those fake names….she did it straight away…..she’d also tell me she loves me and hug and kiss me a lot. She has no family in this country and said she saw me as a sister.
You are damn right about her not wanting to risk her position - the truth is I always knew this would happen……If best b!tch made her become friends with girl I don’t speak to anymore then she would be so worried about upsetting best b$!ch that she’d hurt me. Best b!$ch knew this and she played the game well…..even calling our friend immediately to tell her how I was feeling when I aired how I felt pushed out because the other 3 were getting together. Then when she invited me over for a ‘chat’ having been informed by best b$!ch what had happened best b$!ch then rings while I’m there and says she’ll be there in 5 minutes! I now realize this was done because she knows our friend is weaker and she didn’t want to be left with a situation like she has with me and girl I don’t speak to anymore…..
I’m submitting so I don’t lose it again……she even said as much, in the past when I said to her I didn’t feel she was putting the effort in with me and I think we should cool it she turned round and said to me she couldn’t bare the thought of not being liked etc etc and she didn’t want a situation like me and girl I don’t speak to anymore. Basically she needs everyone to like her…..
I’m so angry because she has totally brain washed our friend………..and got away with there being no bad words between us so she still feels like she is liked! However if i’m ‘funny’ with either of them it just gives them the stick to beat me with and say look! Look! She’s a psycho! Im not, I just want some bloody respect! Now is the point I tell you I am adopted and I’ve had tons of people leave me throughout my life and knowing this and my abandonment fears they still did this to me. What is wrong with these people!?!!
But you know what? I feel empowered and I think you’re right, I have dodged a massive bullet. I also feel like I need to make friends AWAY from the school gates so girl I don’t speak to can’t infiltrate any other ‘friendships’ or maybe I’ll just be friendless for a while…….my husband says let them get on with it. Let our joint friend have to suck on being surrounded by girl I don’t speak to all the time…..she’ll soon realise that she still doesn’t really like her, even though she’s told herself for the sake of best b!$ch that she does because she knows it’s what she wants to hear…..then let her realise what she’s lost……and I won’t be going back…….
3 years of ‘friendship’ with joint friend and 11 with best b!$ch. I’m exhausted. ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED.
Your first reply:
It's all coming out now, isn't it (this new grief and the dregs from the past). Good! Shouldn't be long now, then.
They are horrid COWS - no other word for them - because they have issues....deeeeeep ones...ones it'd take decades or their whole lifetime to grieve out,...hence they spend their days avoiding them, using constant DISTRACTION in the form of "bums on seats" (who cares whose!) and will have conversations about what in fact are reeeeeaaally boring topics, like Begonias and lipstick. Hopefully you can understand, now, this - just ONE of the reasons for their behaviour - reason for why they NEED fallings-out, having enemies, aka unnecessary (- for the rest of us, anyway) drama.
But you being adopted (aka having been CHOSEN) has absolutely nothing to do with bad experiences with bad and/or stone-hearted and/or cowardly people. This happens to virtually EVERYONE!
This should prove reassuring - read this very typical, one of too many, thread from Mumsnet:
Note the respondents who by whatever degrees stood back and studied everyone for the first school year before daring to forge any friendships and ask yourself, WHY they felt the need to do that (and why, therefore, it worked). However, also note the plethora of parents who said they made friends outside of school and - this being my point - just literally dropped and collected 'on the school bell' before skidaddling. Also note how many were outraged that the so-called friend and other mums didn't stick their necks out to stick up for her. Then note the respondent with the scarily similar situation to yours in terms of the one who first starting Triangulating (form a sub-threesome). Finally, note how many pages AND how many more virtually identical threads are on there and all other similar websites!
It's not you. It's not any reflection on you. At all. Whatsoever. (Proven psychological fact. No arguing.) They're cows. Probably, even if you were Angelina Jolie herself - they'd still- no, actually, they'd be WORSE!
You have the same abandonment fears that ALL diamonds have from having been betrayed more often than the average (it is TOUGH at the top - albeit, you get used to it). They are not yours. They are theirs - but they're talented at making you feel like they're yours, really. Nope.
You just chose wrong, got a better look than you had before at this one ex-friend, found they smelled, but didn't want to vacate your otherwise comfy seat because you've had enough of constantly battling through life (YES - AGAIN, TELL US ABOUT IT - LEADER TYPES HAVE IT HARDER AT FIRST). And then inevitably Had Enough, got mutineered by your own inner animal/warrior in order to ghost them in-the-flesh. Seemingly, however-much against your own conscious will. You've shocked yourself, I think. But that mutineering is what happens to one with an especially strong survival instinct (great genes), teamed with having become or been born to be OVER-civilised (huge conscience and conscientiousness). I mean, think about it: a huge heart has room for much and many (leader).
The Plastics don't think and work right - end of. They can't BE anyone's friend without the working feelings...so they've gathered together to appear normal (hah!). In order also, to attract diamonds whom they can psychologically entrap and enmesh in order to use and exploit and act as anywhere between cats to kick the minute they're in (another) moodie or "enemy of the month" - despite the NEED that diamond to help pass them off as FFFFFAB. (See? Self-harming/risking idiots as well!) Bleugh. They should forced into therapy - but they aren't. Probably because they can still do a job and pay income tax...Don't get me started...
I wonder who'll take your place as Scapegoat now? They have to have one or more so...? Watch that space. :-)
Ultimately, though, they're GREAT for finally showing you the kind of friends you want and need - diamonds like yourself, the type that DO wade in to rescue a friend - or at the very least, the kind you absolutely do not - ever, ever, ever again.
This difficult period, having to sort-of start again from scratch or treat school as business only, hurts so that you will cease feeling Second Best just because your birth parents didn't have the means to keep you - overlooking the fact you got deliberately chosen as you were and are, which in reality CANCELS THAT OUT AND THEN SOME! And this will get DONE by - you giving types who 'smell' anything too much like those Grade A Brokens a very wide berth in favour of those whom, albeit might at first strike as a bit dull and boring, smell nice. And because you let it get as far as your inner animal mutineering you in order to take action - any whiff of that smell and you won't THINK about what you're smelling or THINK about what to do next - you'll just automatically do it and do it calmly and classily, without having to say a thing.
It COULD be (according to growing theory) that your inner animal was the one that deliberately chose this human washing-machine XL in the first place - BECAUSE it knew that old stain on your t-shirt was hampering you (feeling Less Than = grateful for any friend no matter how inadequate) and had to finally come out.
....Because - if you always knew it, i.e. sensed it, but proceeded anyway - then you needed it. If you didn't - then you didn't/no longer did. THAT SIMPLE SO MEMORISE THIS PHRASE.
I think inner animal deserves your gratitude, rather than your anger - don't you? And she's proven SHE always has your back (and is intelligent enough to wait for the right moment to 'attack'). She's clever. (You'd be surprised how many inner animals aren't.) You're going to be fine, now, whether you want to be or not!
Now that you know I'm (at this stuff) never wrong (which half the time is a bane, frankly, because not everyone can handle the truth or sometimes it's painful) - listen up: You have all the qualities of a Diamond (deep, intense but playful, fascinating to talk to, excellent morals, very kind and caring, very modest.......). I've been looking from surface to depth and ticking them off as we've gone. YOU don't have to settle for what the life lottery gives you (lumped with natural parents - who might have been a fecking nightmare for all you know!) - you get CHOSEN (by parents who clearly raised you well). You don't have to "find" friends - you get FOUND. Get out and about, and chat to strangers, NOW KNOWING THIS and that "Up There" chose it - said so, and your vibe will do the rest for you (why I use the anology of 'smell').
It's sign kiddie up for after-school karate/gym/ice-skating (or whatever) club time! Even if you have to do so in a neighbouring village. I'm sure a lot of after-school-club parents are there by the exact same cause and reason you are. They certainly seem to indicate so on that thread! :-) But you don't have to do that until you feel capable, once you've got your brain around all this and feel a bit more confident. That happens anyway after enough processing.
This is a really good, healthy thing you're going through (and badly overdue). But because it doesn't feel nice (like the dentist's), people assume it's bad and will end badly. NO. The Good & Healthy train, painfully bumpy and rickety as it is, takes one to Contentedville. Only those who disembark end up stuck for ages in Smellyville.
"3 years of ‘friendship’ with joint friend and 11 with best b!$ch. I’m exhausted. ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED."
Yeah, they do that to you, too.
Real friends energise.
'I NEED RADIATORS, NOT DRAINS!' - your new mentra.
But keep posting. (1) Because it helps enormously, and (2) to let your precise type, on here, including (many more) shy lurkers, going through the same and feeling the same and needing even an unseen hand to hold, see your whole train journey and get to be the example you were born equipped to be.
Omg….praying you’re still on and get to see this. I just had a text from joint friend asking me to meet up tomorrow or Thursday for a cuppa and chat using the chick chick language 🤣. I don’t honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t want to jump as soon as she clicks her fingers but at the same time I’m intrigued.
Yep, I'm here. Being texted to oblivion tonight!
Everyone, everywhere is having stressy problems these days. So added people-related hassles on top are just too much. No room at the inn! (for idiots).
OH, DID YOU INDEED. Was this a case of refuse and see how it's received before acquiescing, i.e. trying to get away with it, based on thinking you were desperate enough to accept that CRUMB?
(Tomorrow IS Thursday so - don't you mean tomorrow or Friday?)
What IS this chick-chick crap, anyway. You're not her daughter?! That's the sort of endearment a mother would say to a daughter. Suspicious choice of endearment, would obviously trigger an unwitting psychological receptivity to boundary encroachment in you (well, she is my sort-of mum), hmmm.....
Say yes but don't turn up, LOL.
Say, Which bitch are you again?
Say, You've had a change of heart - what's brought that on, then?
But actually - AWWWW, YOU CAN'T - REMEMBER? You're meeting up with one of your old schoolmum friends, awww. Maybe next week? And although this may sound dishonest and childish, it's actually important in order to draw a boundary with her, to cease taking you for granted, generally, as shows crystal-clearly in the expectation that you can and will say yes at such disrespectfully short notice! This also avoids an ambush (you never know with these types), i.e. another of the plastics showing up.
But what you should do is NOTHING. Until you feel like doing and KNOW what it is you FEEL LIKE DOING. Don't Know is a valid answer in its own right. You should NEVER make any decision of this importance while your emotions are roused (which that text will have done). You should always wait until you calm down (which you recogise once it happens). On the plus side - MAKE HER WAIT AND SWEAT. Her bed - now she can lie on it.
Consequences. It's the only thing that can get through to them because (as illustrated by the fact they're liars and deceivers), words mean nothing to them so neither must they to you and you don't REALLY (they're huge self-deluders, remembber?) mean what you said, you just had PMT or something (- yeah...pre-monster tension).
If she wants to see you, in future she can properly pre-book you. Only when this has become the long-term norm can she pepper it with last-minute invites (because them's liberties, innit, and only those who are ACTUALLY intimate with you get those).
ALSO, BECAUSE I don't trust her (which, clearly, neither do you or you wouldn't be caught in indecision or total cluelessness, think about it), the meeting could just be an intel-collecting exercise (because the plastics are confused at the New You and want to test it out as well as know where it's come from and how to get around it). Therefore, making an impatient type like a narc have to wait, smokes them out. Because they usually can't and go off the impulsive idea/plan if made to OR start pressuring you to bring it forward. So it's a great test.
Furthermore, it's the Scarcity Principle you'll be putting into effect. They'll fall off their chairs to find out you've got others to hang out with so soon because that means either you always did or have managed to replace them already, making you newly come over as highly sought-after company.
But what annoys me is her total nerve - thinking she can still call you chick after the way she's been and just said/declined when asked for support. WHAT?
Yes, definitely do not pounce on it. In fact, I'm glad I'm late if it's helped delay you!
So I went back and said Hi Chick 🙄 is everything ok? And she replied yes fine thanks, same old moans and groans!! You ok? So I put yes, same 😂😂 we can have a cuppa or go for a walk tomorrow. I only did this might I hasten to add AFTER my husband said maybe she does care and wants to continue a relationship with me and also after one of my friends rang me to tell me that she had approached her at school this morning to ask how I was as she hadn’t heard from me and she seemed quite hurt by that.
I also just spent an hour on my phone to my friend (another one who made friends with girl I don’t speak to) but that’s another story and she told me that best b!&ch had asked her at girl I don’t speak to kids birthday party if she knew how I was……..my friend persisted to tell her she doesn’t think I’m ok and she is bloody worried about me!!! You seriously couldn’t write it! I went mad at her and she said she thought I’d want them to know. I said to her I’d made a decision to no longer have them in my life and she’s just basically ruined my grieving process! I also now think my friend is also trying to get in with the plastics (love that name 🤣) and is getting involved in this drama when she really doesn’t need to involve herself.
If you've read it already, don't worry. You read it because you had 2 seconds. But not 2 minutes to type a response. You'll do that when you do.
If you want, tomorrow you can type, "Not ignoring you, just up against it rn, bear with me", to remove the reply time-pressure, keep her sat quiet and not poking you while you meantime try to decide.
YOU have the power now. You can do what you like but take as much time as you want in deciding.
But again, don't get excited because - this could still just be her Hoovering or doing so on behalf of the coven, out of resentment that you dared reject her, just because she wouldn't "get involved", aka in Healthy World, do one of the most important Friend duties.
GOOOOOD, I ONLY CHOPPED YOUR HEAD OFF, WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS ABOUT, GOD YOU'RE SO OVER-SENSITIVE, EXCUSE-EXCUSE FOR WHY THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO CHUCK HER, BLAH BLAH BOLLOCKS BLAH.
Oh, just give me her sodding phone number, I'll sort her out! LOL
You're intrigued, whereas I want to verbally (calmly, coldly) cut her RIGHT down to size, left sucking her thumb in the foetal position.
See if you too suddenly find it outraging tomorrow, is my advice.
Tell you what, though - if you can type out her entire message, I'll be able to tap into her (don't ask, it's just a disturbing talent of mine).
Oh! You have replied. Ok, let me read and catch up...
(No prob, btw, just means a different approach.)
So after not speaking to her via text since 6th June and seeing her briefly on Friday for her to falsely hug me and air kiss me. I received this today Hi chick, are you free to meet up either tomorrow or Friday for a cuppa and chat? Xx
I replied (after much deliberation) Hi Chick, is everything ok? Xx
Then she replied Yeah fine thanks chick, just the usual moans and groans!! You ok? Xx so I put Same 😂. We could meet up after the school drop off if you have time? Xx and she put Yes that’ll be perfect chick 👍 Do you want to come to mine or me to yours? Easy either way xx
"I only did this might I hasten to add AFTER my husband said maybe she does care and wants to continue a relationship with me and also after one of my friends rang me to tell me that she had approached her at school this morning to ask how I was as she hadn’t heard from me and she seemed quite hurt by that. "
Oh, so Mrs Selfish Pants is hurtyboo-boos - and THAT'S why she rang you? Not because she realised how dismissive and disloyal she was and because this had left YOU hurt?
(So evidently husband and that friend judged her and her motivation by Normal-Healthy standards, then? Great. That worked out, didn't it (*albeit, you managed to make use of it while you were there in how you felt free to give her What For and what that says). Let's not rely on them next time, then. Let's discuss it here - no matter the wait because it's good they be made to wait - OR let's just let how YOU, UNINFLUENCED BY OUTSIDERS, FEEL be what decides.
"my friend persisted to tell her she doesn’t think I’m ok and she is bloody worried about me!!! You seriously couldn’t write it!"
I wouldn't believe what she merely tells you happened and why. Someone who genuinely worries about you is someone who removes the need when that removal is in their power to, so that the need to worry no longer exists (all together now) - DUUU-UU-UUUUH?
"I went mad at her and she said she thought I’d want them to know. I said to her I’d made a decision to no longer have them in my life and she’s just basically ruined my grieving process! I also now think my friend is also trying to get in with the plastics (love that name 🤣) and is getting involved in this drama when she really doesn’t need to involve herself."
1. Don't go mad at her or anyone connected with that lot or that school again. It just says OW and identifies to her and/or the others where your bullseye is located so that they can shoot at it successfully from now on and see you go satisfyingly OW! any time they feel like making someone react ("I'm so powerfuuuuul I can make people go OW!"). (I think they must have all been deprived of interactive toddler toys of the flashing lights and little tunes whenever you pressed the buttons variety or something, LOL, but getting a rise out of you PLEASES THEM because they deludingly interpret it as you CARING too much about what they think and do (Still a follower, yay!).)
The opposite to love is not hate, it's indifference (which only includes You're So Tiresom I Can Barely Be Arsed sighing and yawning).
2. She KNEW you didn't want them to know. She's trying to escape consequence by saying this (You can't get mad at me becauuse I did it out of loooove). So - she knew she shouldn't but did.
So what was the REAL reason?
3. No, she hasn't put your grieving back because you made up for that with the much-needed catharcism of (finally) roaring at her. And the fact you in doing so dared to risk sending her away for-good, speaks really good and weighty volumes (I no longer rate you and you're still giving me no reason to so take this and eff off if you want - I don't care if you do or don't, frankly).
4. "I also now think my friend is also trying to get in with the plastics (love that name 🤣) and is getting involved in this drama when she really doesn’t need to involve herself."
Fine by you if they are both masochists who want to be both the molls of Dominators AND their next victim scapegoat. Maybe they've got stains on their own t-shirts, much more baked-in than yours?
What happened after you went mad at her? What was the upshot? Or, better yet, as I say - let me see it and plug into her.
I tried to copy and paste everything but as it was in WhatsApp it would have taken me ages. She is definitely trying to get involved….it’s her way of getting in with the group which she says she definitely doesn’t want to be part of. I’m wary of her now as I think she’s a little stirer.
I went for a walk with my friend, she got upset and said she doesn’t want to lose me from her life. She just kept saying she understands why I feel the way I do but she doesn’t feel the warmth towards this other girl like she does for me and Best b$!ch. Then just as we were parting she said she would feel awkward if she was stuck between me and girl I don’t speak to and she wouldn’t know who to go to!!! That’s loyalty right there…..so I’m just going to keep them all at arms length and concentrate on other relationships xx
"it’s her way of getting in with the group which she says she definitely doesn’t want to be part of. I’m wary of her now as I think she’s a little stirer. "
There you go. Well done.
She might be doing it to prolong and enjoy your pain (if she's a harder-to-spot Malig Covert to their Overts) OR she might (over-)mean well and believe she's doing both sides a favour by playing Mediator and will earn everlasting kudos for it (unlikely - they don't do appreciation or gratitude). The effect on you is the same. Google "What are Flying Monkeys" or "how to tell if bff is a flying monkey".
Did you notice how she made it so that SHE got to dictate the days, rather than leaving which day as your prerogative, which, given everything that had happened and her last, shrug-off response, was most definitely yours? It's subtle but, GIVEN said context - that makes it a summons. Fitting you in, is she? Not wanting to show her remorse in the form of catering to YOU on this occasion? Seemingly, this woman doesn't know how the world and human relationships work. No idea of even elementary etiquette! And yet - don't they SO know how - OH, LIKE A PRO - during the attraction and honeymoon (hooking you in) phase? Funny, that.
I say - FUNNY, THAT!
So it doesn't add up to make sense. And if something doesn't make sense - it's probably not true.
Next time, at least say those days don't suit and see what comes back.
I'll continue in the next because I've been getting spat out by the interweb too.
" went for a walk with my friend, she got upset and said she doesn’t want to lose me from her life. She just kept saying she understands why I feel the way I do but she doesn’t feel the warmth towards this other girl like she does for me and Best b$!ch. Then just as we were parting she said she would feel awkward if she was stuck between me and girl I don’t speak to and she wouldn’t know who to go to!!! That’s loyalty right there…..so I’m just going to keep them all at arms length and concentrate on other relationships xx"
1. Warmth Towards is as Warmth Towards DOES. So that's a lie. Whether completely or just because her normal loyalty is getting crowded-out by her cowardice - NEITHER is good. Either disqualifies her from befriendship by a Diamond. You'll always be shortchanged. Equality or equity in terms of the two people compared as a whole package (or weight on the scales), is vital. Leave her to her own kind - someone still getting tumbled around violently in the XL washing-machine. You're on the line - sun about to come out - drying. You want someone on your line or someone already in the linen cupboard. (HAHA - not that I'm calling you a sheet or anything!...rolls around at own joke)
2. SHE got upset? That was your prerogative too!
3. Oh, so you've got to help HER with HER agenda - which is, how to keep HER comfort of two gals she rates (and thinks will continually let her get away with failures to act...."would LOVE to help but - mush dash, got something under the grill" (again) / "Add your face").
LOL, sorry - she's annoying the hell out of me, with her narc-typicall ME-ME-ME. Oh, yeah, she's "gobsmackingly, ultimately self-harmingly, self-serving" alright (TICK!)
4. WHAT PART OF (sorry) What part of "I don't want to see bestbicz again" does Forestina Gump there NOT GET. She gets. But that doesn't make her care. She ain't got none. You can't apply what you ain't got. So instead, she tries to do HER modus: disarm you with (wait for it...) The Pity Ploy! (TICK!) You can't stay mad at someone who's crying (she hopes) and you can't (rightfully) enforce the counter-measures to what made you mad (so it won't happen again), either....."Now's not the time, is it...that would make me a COW!" (and then Tomorrow never comes and she makes another whoopsie that feels just different enough to the vein of the first (but isn't) so that it presents falsely as a First Mistake.....etc.etc.etc.).
If this woman somehow ISN'T overly narcissistic + cowardly (cancels out loyalty) or actually personality disordered by it (ain't got none), then, she's doing ONE HELL of a good impression of one!
But anyway, you obviously did NOT fold at her Crocodile Tears (well done) - hence she then exposed herself more clearly with (wait for it....) TRIANGULATION! (GIANT TICK!): "WHO WILL 'THE GREAT ME-ME-MEEEEE" CHOOSE OUT OF YOU AND BB....eeenie-meeanie-whoever-best-sucks-up-to-me - highest bidder wins. Who will be the best No. 1 Fan and Slaviepoos whilst being starved of friend food bar crumbs and sounds ("you're my chick-chick").
Shiteanora. If that's what being her chick-chick is like - imagine being her dick-dick! (Run, Forest, run!)
Anyhoo. She'll have a long wait, then, won't she. She won't like that when she realises. So this is not over yet (they're like chewing-gum on your shoe). Unless, come the next text you make your excuses, say you'll get back to her asap tomorrow.....which, like theirs, never comes...just keep putting her off. You just sliiiiiiiide quietly (no more drama!) out of the fakeship, the last link to Les Plastiques. But - she's clearly a Covert (better at hiding her true nature). Hence you thought she was at least OKAY-ish. And a Vulnerable (boo-hoo ME that you're upset). I'm going to predict she'll have all of them, that whole posse, eventually worshipping HER...a change of management. With firings and redundancies (who'll want to run, sobbing, straight to YOU...pff). She does want you IN the group, though. You must be some sort of Swiss Army Knife on-legs to her or something.
Tough. Only friends get all of that from now on.
Trust me, once the nicer people see you having and consistently, like an Iron Lady, continuing to disassociate yourself, even going as far as physically, they'll think to themselves or say to their little group, "Wow, she won't even STAND near them, look! I gotta find out why!". Equally, keep an eye out for any other women who stand by themselves or get or let themselves be ignored at the back of the group, etc. No Narc would settle for right at the back, no way, no how. So that's an auto clean bill of health right there! (50p please :-)) Means she's deep, sincere, all the things that to Narcs read YUCK, HARD WORK, meaning, loads of goodies hidden quietly under the modest surface to discover as you gently but ever more frequently go.
How are you doing, FTL?
And - any developments?
Hey, Not good.
I have been thinking about writing you all day but haven’t known where to start.
So the friend I told you who joint friend approached to see how I was…..she is a friend I made all by myself, let’s call her Gail. She is also a school mum yes but our boys are besties. We socialize a lot with her and her children and we have been away on holiday with them. She knew the situation with girl I don’t speak to and best b&tch, yet she still actively befriended girl I don’t speak to and has tried with best b&tch but they won’t let her in jointly. I tried the whole…..”you need to choose” and she refused….we kinda got on with it though and due to our boys friendships we stayed friends. Her son is in the same class as girl I don’t speak to’s son, however even before this girl I don’t speak to would tag her in pics on Facebook to piss me off etc delibaretely doing pics similar to ones we had posted. I don’t know how no one else couldn’t see what she was doing…..but they chose not to. So basically every single ‘friend’ I’ve made 1st best b&tch 2nd Gail and now 3rd Joint friend she has taken from me and they all LET her!
So I found out Gail had been to girl I don’t speak to’s sons party and best b&tch was also there - apparently they all sat round discussing me. Gail is the one who said to best b&tch and girl I don’t speak to she was worried about me after best bitch asked her if I was ok. Well it turns out Gail also said a few other things and through process of ilimination I now know that best b&tch has basically been telling girl I don’t speak to EVERYTHING I’ve said to her, and I know this because girl I don’t speak to repeated them back to Gail who told me!!!!! And to think last week I was doubting Gail and actually said to best b&tch that I needed to be careful what I said to Gail as I knew she’d been talking about me!
Anyway I argued with Gail as I said I’d thought about things over the weekend and I don’t feel she’s loyal or she wouldn’t have spoken to them. This really upset her and this is when she told me the truth about what had really been said at girl I don’t speak tos sons party………now I don’t know what to do. Do I let on to best b&tch that I know she’s the root of all the gossiping or do I simply just not say anything and pull myself away from them all?? I really am done and although I’ve taken a few steps back I feel like I took such a big step forward that I kind of feel quite strong still and like I could turn my back on them. I’m mega sad about Gail as our kids are besties and her kids are like my
Kids and vice versa but I don’t feel I can trust her either now…..
Are you there Soul mate?
Sorry! I got a busy wave crashing in. Be with you tomorrow, either late afternoon or evening - please bear with.
Things seem to have calmed down. My friend Gail came round Friday to apologise to me for gossiping with best b&!ch and girl I don’t speak to at the party. She said she realised she was in the wrong and it won’t happen again. I kinda believe her……I appreciated the apology.
Meanwhile I’ve kept to my word and parked round the corner and walked to school. All the mums are getting together for an end of term party and I am now going because girl I don’t speak to is going. I don’t feel sad - I feel powerful and in control. I also have my sons end of year thing coming up and HAVE to go to that but it’s about him and I’ll just sit away from them and let them get on with it.
Best b&tch and other friend were meant to be taking me to brunch on Friday - first other friend cancelled and then best b&tch too. I was relieved but also thought it spoke volumes. I can’t wait for the summer break and to get away from them all. My son still plays with best b!tches son so she reckons we need to get them together but I’ll try my hardest not to…….or if I do to sort it so he comes here or my son goes there and I have other plans……..
Best b&tch reckoned she didn’t contact me because she thought after all that happened I needed to show her I still wanted her as a friend……I don’t get it? Anyways, I didn’t do we haven’t been texting……however other friend is back to texting me most days and sending me recipes etc but cancelled for brunch……I don’t get what they are trying to do and to be honest I don’t really care.I’m sick of all the games, I can only assume that’s what they are….
I didn’t let on to BB by the way that I know it’s her……I literally am so over all the drama and I don’t want to be part of that ‘group’ in any way shape or form! I’ve found people generally open up to me so much more now I’m not with them!
That meant to say NOT going to the party.
"Things seem to have calmed down. My friend Gail came round Friday to apologise to me for gossiping with best b&!ch and girl I don’t speak to at the party. She said she realised she was in the wrong and it won’t happen again. I kinda believe her……I appreciated the apology. "
Hmm... I think maybe, given the opportunity, Gail wanted to hear what they see as "their side" to know exactly what you (and vicariously, herself) were dealing with? Obviously, whatever she saw and heard helped her to know they were the ones in the wrong here (clearly because none of them have a life or anything interesting to talk about!). And that's not a bad thing - it shows that Gail knows it's important to hear both sides so that she herself doesn't misjudge even any detail of it. Plus, it is a bit too intruiging, NOT to hear the 'enemy's' side, given the rare opportunity. A more intelligent friend would want to get a better idea of just HOW badly they've impacted you, and to see how maturely or not they'd conduct that discussion, i.e. feel them for herself. That's the kind of friend you WANT - someone for whom doing the right thing is paramount, therefore, whose loyalty is neither blind nor concerned with popularity.
Understandable and perfectly natural for you to have panicked a bit at first, though. It'd make you a bit too thick if you stepped in a deep puddle in the pavement on your way to the shops and yet failed to avoid it coming back and did the same with the other leg, wouldn't it, lOL.
And, yeah, I don't I'd be in any hurry to attend that party, either.
" I don’t feel sad - I feel powerful and in control."
GOOD. You've switched your thinking. And you're right. It should always be a case of you asking - do you like and respect THEM? - not whether they do you. Answer: no, you don't...EW.
Loving your resolve. Absolutely, show them a dignity they wouldn't know how to muster if a gun were held to their head (we wish LOL). You know you deserve better and are prepared to wait for it to cross paths with you naturally.
In the meantime...
"Best b&tch and other friend were meant to be taking me to brunch on Friday - first other friend cancelled and then best b&tch too. I was relieved but also thought it spoke volumes. I can’t wait for the summer break and to get away from them all. My son still plays with best b!tches son so she reckons we need to get them together but I’ll try my hardest not to…….or if I do to sort it so he comes here or my son goes there and I have other plans…….."
How did they cancel - and how did you respond?
Whichever, I wouldn't let it affect your sons. Just phone to (more politely than she's used to) invite her son to tea but whereby your terms are that you're the one to collect him and will kindly drop him home again afterwards (gives you control). If she tries to get herself invited along - yes, I agree you can make some excuse like you've phonecalls to make (albeit you'll still be keeping your eye on the boys as you do so).
Summer hols are almost upon us - not long left to grit your teeth. Plus, you still have Gail whom seemingly is worth more than the lot of them put together.
"Best b&tch reckoned she didn’t contact me because she thought after all that happened I needed to show her I still wanted her as a friend……I don’t get it?"
Me neither. It's because it's ollocks. Specifically, blame-shifting (tick!) and victim-blaming (tick!) in-one.
"however other friend is back to texting me most days and sending me recipes etc but cancelled for brunch……I don’t get what they are trying to do and to be honest I don’t really care.I’m sick of all the games, I can only assume that’s what they are…."
Either other friend thinks she can keep her friendship with you, but on the side, like her dirty little secret, or, the recipes are to raise your expectataions before then dropping you from that (she hopes) greater height. Yeah, I'm with you on the headgames suspicion. I think they're not just loving having this drama, but, like I say, have sod-all else stimulating to talk about.
"I’ve found people generally open up to me so much more now I’m not with them!"
HURRAH! Thought they might.
Glad to see you're getting over them. Won't be long until you never give any of those highly weak-charaactered, vacuous women another thought.
PS: You want to try being a house-husband - allegedly, they have it even harder...get treated as radio-active for the first year (or more) before any of the schoolmums will even attempt to speak to them.
Lol - I think being treated as radio active would have been a damn sight better than all of this crap!
So Other friend sent this….. Hi lovely, I hope you had a good day at work? A very hot one I’m sure!! 🥵🥵🥵
I feel terrible but I’m going to have to cancel our breakfast date on Friday 😔 I’m working tomorrow and I may also be doing some work for Darren on Friday. I spoke to best b&!ch briefly at pick up to let her know too. So sorry chick, I don’t know if I’m coming or going at the mo 🙄 Getting too old for this game 🤦♀️😂
I hope you’re ok? Xx
And I replied….. Too hot 🥵. Ah ok lovely - hopefully we can do it another time xx
Then I got this the following morning from best b!$ch On the group message (when other friend had already told her she couldn’t make it) Morning girls, Mr …… has had to move my review from today to tomorrow so not going to be free now. Glad when school year done and no more school work 😳🤗 and I replied Ok, did you want to rearrange? Xx and then got caught up in another convo so neither of them replied. I then made a joke about meeting up with Gail instead as both of them had binned me off. Didn’t get any response from either of them!!
I haven’t really seen them but had a few texts between them and me seperately. Neither has rearranged or asked me for coffee. Tonight it was a end of year party for all the kids organised by best b&$ch and girl I don’t speak to. I didn’t speak to other friend but instead waited for her to come to me, she did very sheepishly but apart from that all 3 were together. Girl I don’t speak to waiting to catch my eye and taking lots of pics of the 3 of them. Best b&!ch didn’t come over to me once, not once. I have her birthday present but husband says not to give it to her - but don’t say anything, that’ll give her a firm message….I don’t know…..
Gail and husband seemingly threw her hat in with us whilst telling me that the party the night before (which I didn’t go to) how much she’d missed me. It then transpires that neither best b&?ch, girl I don’t speak to or other friend asked her if she wanted to get a lift with them so she had to go alone. She said to me that it really opened her eyes to where she stood but she says she wasn’t sad. I could tell she was and if they let her in she’d be right there with them all doing the same……it makes me want to walk from her too………..
So I am mega hurting after tonight, I can’t sleep. I am angry. All the 3 husbands (apart from mine) were stood together and then the 3 bitches as I’ve now named them…….other friend looked sad….I’m hoping because she’s having to withstand her new 3. I feel so down, best b!$ch has got things exactly how she wants them now and I’m so mad. I want to tell her I know her game and it isn’t Gail I need to watch it’s her……..I can see what she’s doing and how she’s controlling the situation. She knew I wanted to still do things as a 3 and be involved and she has made absolutely no effort what so ever. She wanted to create this new 3 and she has - it’s shit and it hurts.
"I then made a joke about meeting up with Gail instead as both of them had binned me off. Didn’t get any response from either of them!! "
Don't do that. Warped and evil as it sounds - signs like this, that you're bothered, offended, hurt, needing to 'stick it to them', just give them a sense of satisfaction and ego boost by seeing it as proof of how DELECTABLE they are and how DEVASTATING, therefore, it feels to other people to lose them (ugh)... OR, if they've an agenda, they use it to show other people how (let's say) "jealous and petty she is". (You're not - they're forcing it in you. And to a degree matching or surpassing their own - so that by comparison they feel normal AND better than you...get it?)
Alternatively, they might genuinely be busy and don't give a hoot for making up for recent hurts because they're totally insensitive to anyone other than themselves and moreover oblivious to the fact they even need to.
Comme ci, comme ca...Effect is the same ("Ow!").
You can be honest about being hurt with NORMAL people whom have long-proven their hearts already, but not with people who know they've already hurt you (because you told them) and therefore who SHOULD be (and this is where this IS appropriate -) Walking On Eggshells around you and treating you with kid gloves, but AREN'T?.....quite the CONTRARY? NOOOOOOO. You're just asking for another kicking.
"Best b&!ch didn’t come over to me once, not once. I have her birthday present but husband says not to give it to her - but don’t say anything, that’ll give her a firm message….I don’t know….."
I'm with hubby (you sound like you, at least, have got an intelligent one!). DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR. Do not keep paying a salary to a work who for weeks has failed to turn UP at the office, let ALONE do any job-dutiesjust because she still goes around with her employee name-badge pinned to her lapel!
No work - no perk. Having committed friendship crimes against you already, being our context - this woman is now only as good as her last sale. (And that's even assuming there'll ever be another, given she has now just openly snubbed you!)
All your actions, here, are really saying, is this: I don't believe it...I can't! I can't get my head around it! She used to seem so NORMAL! Let me just try pressing this button again or that button over there, see if it happens again...
Well, you'll believe it a lot faster if you stop inviting them to create more and more emotional sheets into your Emotional In-Tray that then just take your actual, legitimate workload further from the top! Trust me - if you stop interacting, you'll get more and more proof coming into your in-tray. It's called memories, including things you didn't even know you'd stored at the time. You suddenly realise all the statements and acts you were led to misinterpret and miscolour....yooou betcha! And then you'll realise (properly, fully, I mean) that in actual fact, there had been a surprising number of little, hidden clues, right from when you'd first become (er) friends.
Personally, I'd cease initiating any texts, wait for theirs, then make my responses very brief and unemotional/boring, and see whether or not they then responded with stepping up their efforts, to compensate for the shortfall
No, if you give her that present and she then just inevitably goes on to do something else insulting and hurtful, you'll just put yourself back.
You have to appreciate the truth, which is, their inability to care about you is not because you're not good enough to be cared about. No, you ARE and that's why they used to want to stand beside you (until they discovered new, shinier objects and discarded you to the toybox). It's because their brains lack the part that allows a human to care about anyone but themselves. But BEING a genuine, functional person thus fully-working friend, who therefore naturally expects the friendship to have grown and evolved to offer deeper than before support and camaraderie, reciprocally, you've simply triggered a process of finding out in myraid ways just how unable to function or function healthily they are.
Well anyway, if bestbicz (and cronie) is refusing to let go of you, by merely texting you while for too long (especially given everything) not DOING frienship then you don't DO friendship either. No gift.
"Gail and husband seemingly threw her hat in with us whilst telling me that the party the night before (which I didn’t go to) how much she’d missed me. It then transpires that neither best b&?ch, girl I don’t speak to or other friend asked her if she wanted to get a lift with them so she had to go alone. She said to me that it really opened her eyes to where she stood but she says she wasn’t sad. I could tell she was and if they let her in she’d be right there with them all doing the same……it makes me want to walk from her too……….."
Well, hang on a minute... Just because she's sad, why does that suggest she'd want to be in their group?
It hurts because a healthy person's brain has trouble processing inhuman data and events. So they process it against the backdrop of, these crimes having been committed by a normal person. That then spells betrayal and It's Personal (Ow!). No. The loss of what you'd THOUGHT she/they were and the loss of your right to have had normal friends and not this crappy, upsetting nonsense is all that should hurt. It's not personal. It IS, however, a perverse compliment that you got targetted initially (until they got bored because you asked for functionality) because, as I say, they like super-shiny things - and ONLY THE BEST FOR THEM! They WANT Special but, in human relationships, to get Special and KEEP Special takes...what it takes to a damn about other human beings. A heart.
They decided now, just lately, was the time they could afford to pull of their masks and reveal their true colours (but meanwhile might keep a hold on your textual sleeve in case you can be of service). It was never going to be (seem) fun and rewarding - or future-worthwhile - ever again. If you were still fraternising with them, you'd be getting insulted and made to feel all-round Less Than all the time.
Keep studying this aspect of them (about it not being personal). It'll make the need to hurt, futile.
PS: Have you had a chance to look into summer and after-school clubs yet?