My dad needs help
Hey, there. I need some advice for my dad, who is struggling from separation from my mom and supporting us.
I am currently a community college student who is being taken care of by my parents since I only make $15 an hour. The problem is that ever since my dad separated from my mom, he is still having to pay most of our house bills and his kids' education. My mom, sibling, and I are living in the house he is paying for while he has to move houses after weeks of lease. My mom contributes to the bills as well, but she makes less than my dad, which is why my dad has to pay more to support us. My dad is also unable to divorce since my sister and I have been a big reason for him to pay for the house.
What is the problem? Your father and mother don't make enough money? Somebody, maybe everybody, need to get a second job. Eat leftovers, don't go out.
My dad has a great job and makes a good amount money. Same with my mom, but she earns less than my dad. The problem is that my dad has to pay majority of the bills. He wouldn't let my sibling and I contribute until we earn way more than $15 an hour.
I earn $16 an hour and have been working for 40 years. You can: buy groceries, pay for your own gas/insurance/maintenance on the cars you drive, pay for your own cell phone, pay for your own clothes.
When I was in high school, some of my peers gave their parents a token amount, maybe ten dollars a week, during the summer when they were working. Not because their parents really needed it; it was the principle of the thing. Everyone earning money contributed to the household.
Are you looking for some kind of welfare for your father to apply for? If you aren't willing to do anything different, you don't have a problem. You have solutions you don't like. You DO realize some little kids' families are so poor, if the schools didn't provide lunches over the summer, they might not get three meals a day, right?
I am willing to help whenever my dad wants. And he rarely lets me contribute. He wants me and my sibling to save up for University.
How often do you work? Cause I basically work on a flexible schedule whenever my manager calls me over. I don't have a fixed schedule.
Btw thanks for mentioning welfare, I actually haven't thought of that! I feel so dumb lol. I should bring it up.
If your dad makes a decent salary, he's not going to get welfare, hon. Or rather, YOU won't. I work 35 hours a week.
Oh, any ideas on how I can convince him to divorce? He is doubtful of it because he is still supporting us.
If he divorces your mother, he may be ordered by the court to pay child support. Once an order is in place, it's not a matter of him voluntarily giving money to you and your mother, it will be a court order. Whether it will be more than what he is already providing is anyone's guess.
Divorce could make his financial situation worse. Or, if you and/or your sister have technically reached adulthood, he might not be ordered to support you at all. Spousal support is unlikely if your mother already has a good job.
Is this for real, or are you just trolling? You DO realize that is you came home with a bag of groceries and didn't say anything to your dad, he'd never know. Or if you fueled up the car and didn't mention it, same thing? If you're asking him for money, (or telling him about every nickel you spend,) it's a tad silly to say you're worried about his finances.
"My mom, sibling, and I are living in the house he is paying for while he has to move houses after weeks of lease. My mom contributes to the bills as well, but she makes less than my dad, which is why my dad has to pay more to support us. My dad is also unable to divorce since my sister and I have been a big reason for him to pay for the house."
I'm having trouble understanding what, I presume, your dad is trying to say here? Why does he have to keep moving houses after only weeks? And what difference will the divorce make to his still paying for the house?
Which country do you live in?
No, I'm not trolling. I am a community college student who makes enough for university savings but not for bills. Idk how your life was and how you managed to live alone without any roommates (if you did), but I am unable to. I do pay for everything else I can without using my parents' money.
Point is that I need my dad to stop moving from rent to rent due to my mom being unco with him living with us. But it is sad to know that the court won't sympathize with that.
Hey, Soulmate. I live in America. My dad has to keep moving due to his short lasting rents. He couldn't afford a permanent home to settle in due to him supporting us.
My comment about the court system is that IF your parents filed for divorce, and went through the process, a judge may declare your dad is *required* to pay a specific amount or be penalized if he doesn't. Custody and child and spousal support are what's decided in divorce court. Right now, he gives you and your mom *what he wants to.* If either you or your sibling are over 18, the judge may decide he owes you nothing. I'm not sure what you expect the legal system to do: hand over other people's hard-earned money so your family can have everything they want?
Sometimes a couple can't decide who should get the house. One person can pay the other for his/her equity in it, or it's ordered sold and the money split between the former spouses - which means no one has a house, just the money from selling it. I'm left to infer your father is paying for the house you, your sibling and your mother live in because she can't afford it on her own. That's a nice thing to do.
Whatever problems your mother and father have is between them. Don't know what it is, doesn't matter, it's between the two of them. Since your father *claims* your education is soooo important, he should be solving his issues on his own, not burdening you with financial problems. Saying your education is a priority and simultaneously burdening you with his financial issues is manipulative. Rents have gone through the roof in many places, so maybe he'll have to find a room mate and rent a two-bedroom, or find a house to house-sit, or I don't know, live at the YMCA.
*I don't know if he's trying to get you to convince your mother to have him come home, or what, but that would be wrong and manipulative, too.
I see, ty. I guess I am overthrowing it
Apologies for the delay in getting back to you.
I think I know what's going on here. You wouldn't - because separation into divorce is adult stuff you've no knowledge or experience of, and no amount of maturity (the fact you communicate like a classy and dignified lady regardless of some tough questions, already, VERY much noted! Me iz impressed. :-) ).
This is very common: Your dad is (with the best of intention) giving you the impression that his supporting you both and his being unable to find a longhold tenancy are what are standing in the way of his starting the divorce process. This is because it's far simplier and easier (and, he thinks, more fatherly-protective and -appropriate, given your 'young' age) than to explain at length how and why he needs a lot more time than this(!) to get his head around it all. Plus, until such time as he does accept the situation he'll likely be secretly harbouring the wish to get back together with mum and not divorce. So he's trying to put you off the scent of the real issue(s). You did already state in your opening statement that he is struggling with separation?
I like his attitude towards you and your sister though, e.g. refusing to let you support yourselves - "to a lifestyle" (as the courts put it - and upon which they will base the marital wealth division) "to which you are long accustomed" - until you're earning what in his eyes are a decent wage.
He may be finding it hard to find anything other than short-term/shorthold rentals for the reason everyone else is, according to what I've been reading: landlords are ditching tenants right before tourist season, in favour of Airbnb-ing their property (with they themselves reporting that they can charge four times as much as they'd get in normal rental)....tenants are not happy about it...been happening since 2019, if I recall correctly. So I suspect this part of his "reason" is a Red Herring.
I think he IS coping with the financial set-up, but by implying that getting divorced might see him constrained against being able to support you and sis, it then becomes in your interests to be patient alongside. Heh-heh...He under-estimated you, didn't he (that happens in a rocky marriage lead-up to divorce, both spouses are so overloaded by their giant problem that they stop registering your age and maturity increase). So here's you, responding NOT like he hoped (still 'helpless' little girl), and instead wanting to wade in and help solve the situation, like a fledgling Superwoman. But then, you, see - a less than ideal or healthy home environment DOES make you (particularly as the eldest) have to grow up a bit too fast.
Is any of this making your bonce jello go "PING!" ?
However, it takes two to start the divorce process so - why isn't your mum starting it? Is she still trying to get her head around it too or is she unsure, still has feelings? What's going on on her side of things?
(Tsk - I lost a chunk - end of first para - should have read "and no amount of maturity can alter that")
("IS a decent wage") (somebody shoot me! LOL...I blame the heat)
Soulmate - I think your analysis is spot on. Having been 'a woman of a certain age' at the time of being widowed, some people choose to stay married for various reasons.
Rents are nuts. If I didn't own a house, I don't know what I'd do.
Sorry, OM, I might be being a bit thick tonight, but, I'm not sure what your first para is saying? Spot-on over which bit? And how does your having been a woman of a certain age have bearing on some people choosing to stay married for various reasons (as opposed to what?) - que?....