How to resolve unbalanced relationship responsibilities
THESTARKS - Jun 23 2022 at 10:05
I'm not sure what to do. My husband recently sold his business because he wanted to spend more time at home with the kids and to look after his sick elderly father (who lives in a flat on the ground floor of our home). I work from home full time, but it still feels like I do all the housework, child-raising, and act as the primary carer for his dad. He is trying to start an online business but he sleeps til noon and doesn't help around the house enough. I'm starting to feel really burntout and resentful. But I don't know how to approach him to ask for help because he has a bit of a temper and I'm afraid of confrontation. Any suggestions?
Just gotta ask. It's not a problem until he doesn't change after you let him know it could be a problem. Communication is important.
Actually, marriage means, he sold HIS AND YOUR business. That's what marriage means. Litrally everything - all wealth and assets - becomes jointly-owned, 50/50.
Did you agree to it being sold or was it his unilateral idea and decision?
If you can't lodge your natural, understandably, only-to-be-expected disillusionment and resentment at his having broken what was agreed over the reasons and logistics of his working from home, ...and if he would make false promises or mean them but break them regardless, and right from The Off, then on both those counts (and I'm betting, more) this is not a healthy marriage.
Getting angry at you whenever you try to have a perfectly normal, marital-type conversation about unfairness all the way to gross injustice, or whatever else he's doing/not doing that's bothering you, is called Stonewalling (go Google). It's supposed to shut you up from daring to stick up for yourself, and just going along with whatever he wants (for "a quiet life").
A healthy marriage includes where both the man and woman accept they are of equal value and status in the union and at all times behave accordingly.
Whether he knew at the time he wouldn't be fulfilling the picture he was selling you or has merely taken by surprise by a sudden sense of post-libertion craziness so and is trying to combine a bit of a free holiday with his working-from-home life - it still amounts to you having been led up the garden path and promised a rose garden (where what you actually have is a bog and a load of quicksand).
Who does he think he is? More to the point - who does he think you are!? HIS SLAVE? What a disgustingly selfish, self-centred, childishly irresponsible, grossly over-entitled attitude.
Does that feel too much or about right?
Now to your question: Try a written letter or email, explaining your reasons for not wanting to approach him in-person where concerns any contentious issue and asking for his reply in kind. If he tries to confront you face-to-face to defy your wishes and/or does so aggressively, instead of getting sucked in, just calmly and quietly remind him that you're only prepared to discuss this topic in writing so that he won't start being angry and aggressive at you (because that ends up achieving nothing except build resentment in you).