I'm I being unfair?
My partner has asked for a divorce.
We have been arguing for sometime now, the last time was when we was on a day out and I bumped into someone I knew, we was visiting a town together with his parents. He said that I planned this and wouldn't speak to me for 2 days, nor did he speak to his parents.
I have a very difficult job and I work long hours and have had very little time off in 2 months, this job pays for all our household bills and I get a good wage. My partner also has a good job, but works 3 weeks a month. He will help me out at times in my job.
His holidays are set for the year and can not be changed, I on the other hand, take time when I have the chance. We do have 2 weeks booked together in September, but he told me not to book anything as he didn't want to go anywhere. I haven't had a real holiday in 3 years, days out or weekends at friends I don't class as holiday, because I always help out, gardening or maintenance work for them.
After our last argument, I worked a 70 hour week, he wasn't working,but did help me for 6 hours in total that week. I told him I have chance of cover and I can take 4 days off and I'll like to go somewhere, he has the week before off, so it would be a solo trip. I was told I'm not allowed to do this and and that's final.
I was furious and put my foot down and said I'm going, those dates I will not be here. I've booked to go to Italy for 4 days to relax. He later informed me that in September he now wants to go to Canada together, I said yes, and told him I'd still be going away the first week in August.
I was told to cancel my trip, that he wouldn't allow me to go away alone, this is not what he calls marriage. I paid with my own wages, but he called me a thief taking from our joint account, this is not true. Also I lied and manipulated him. He's told his family this and now they have all blocked me and refuse to speak to me.
He forgot to mention,our joint account was in the red, (our account was scammed on the Internet and waiting refunds from insurance) so I put in almost 1200€ to get it in the clear, then he blocked me from the account and canceled all my direct debits, so I have been changing them the past 2 days.
He said he'll be gone when when I get back from Italy, I can still cancel, but his family will never speak to me again nor I'm I welcome in their homes. I don't have family, I do, but the toxic relationship I decided at a young age to move away and have never looked back. I feel like I've lost my family again.
Was I demanding too much?
Allow me to address both sides of the issue. We will start with your side.
You work way way way too much, and this takes away time from your family. Add to that, that you have decided to go on a vacation by yourself....and you really dug yourself into a deep hole. It is starting to look like you are fine ignoring your family.
Now, his side.
He is overreacting in a big way. Unfortunately men, are usually not that rational when they have been hurt and they tend to lash out. The fact that you never spend time together, and now you are leaving the country on holiday without him, has to hurt. That hurt is causing him to lash out in an irrational manner.
Your 2 questions were: Am I being unfair? And. Was I demanding too much?
The answer to both of those questions is yes. While the blame is not wholly your fault, part of a marriage is putting your spouse first. And you have not been doing that.
Reading this to me he sounds bossy and controlling. He uses silent treatment and threats (might be empty ones) if he doesn’t get his own way or does like something you’re doing.
His reaction you you bumping into someone you know when you were out with his family. It sounds like he doesn’t like you interacting with others?
Same goes with you wanting to go away by yourself for four days. why not? Well done for standing up to him btw. There is no reason why you can’t go on both holidays when you do work hard?
He’s now trying to turn his own family against you, and not giving them the full details if you go. He also know full well you don’t speak to your family member because they are toxic, so you might not have many people left but he wants to make you feel alone and will bring up all those feelings again. He should not be making you feel like this! Red flags ImO
You can replace toxic family with healthy, supportive friends.
A quick update.
Thank you both for your replies,
I asked my husband if I was to cancel this holiday, and if a situation like this was to arrive again, what, if anything else would he use against me to stop me from going/doing something.
I caught him off gard, his reply was shocking, I have it in writing. He's currently in work.
He said he would make me chose between my friends and him. After a very strong worded message of disgust from myself, he said it was a miss type. This I do not believe.
I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, I'd forgotten about (as stated earlier) he has blocked me from our joint account and taken the cheque book away. Luckily I have a second account to pay for my treatment.