My fiancée left me
Back in 2011, I added a guy on facebook and we talked for 4 years. I wanted to get into college. He was 4 years elder than me. We fell in love. It was the most amazing time of our life. However, I became suspicious. There were random girls on his account. He used to tell me I cant have my picture as a profile picture. Not even the picture of my hands. Nothing. He also told me that I cant add any male friends. I cant have male friends. Belonging to a muslim, third world country, I accepted it. But then, I got a little suspicious. He would say that he loves me. But why talk to so many people? He had my passwords. He had every information of mine. I had none. So, one day, I gathered some courage and asked him for the password. He gave it to me after 10 mins.
Now, when I logged in. There werent any chats with random girls. (This is back in 2015). But, when I went into the archived section. There were tons. There were messages with local and foreign women. Memes, chatting, heart emojis. Everything. I was heart broken. There wasnt even one girl. I called him and told him. He said its nothing. I just like it. Its just chatting. I was angry, so I screamed and said "get lost". That is the only thing I said. He stopped talking to me. Instead of apologizing. He said that I should apologize for my behavior. I did forgive him. But, after a month, even then, I couldnt get over it. Because he was my first, and only love. I loved him so much.
So, I gathered a lot of courage and told him that I cant continue it. And we stopped talking. 3 years went by. In 2018, he contacted me via facebook. I didnt get into a relationship. Stayed single. Because I loved him. I missed him. I couldnt move on. And, for a long time, I was angry with myself. Why wasnt I forgiving him. You know, its okay he did that to me. It was flirting. I should get over it.
We started talking again. My world changed. I never brought up that topic. I wanted him. Regardless of what he did. And then we met. He told me that I should cover my head and face. I was a little shocked. Because I wear pretty decent clothes. But, I accepted. I said okay, I will do that when we get married. He said no. Start covering your head. He also told me I cant wear jeans with long shirts. I cant wear professional tailored suits for meetings (western).
There were major fights. He told me I cant have male friends in my project groups. I cant go to movies or lunches (birthdays). I accepted. Yes, I did argue, But at the end of the day, he used to make me apologize to him and accept it. And I did. He was my everything. I used to tell him I can die for you. I can do anything for you. If he was angry, even if it wasnt my mistake, he would stop taking my calls. His texts were mean. And he used to go to sleep. I stayed up awake. I used to cry all night. And in the morning, he said the only way this can resolve is if you say sorry. I did.
He was getting a phd from China. He came back due to covid. last year, he brought his parents to my house to ask for my hand. My parents were not fully satisfied. He didnt have any job. Plus, the area where he lived was very old. It was a village. Plus, the people residing there, they think of women as an object. or a reproductive machine. My parents told me that they invested so much in me. That I was a female leader. I was educated. How will I live there. They had a typical joint family system. But, I didnt care. I told them that he is what I want. So, they said okay. We want him to get the degree. Both of you will be working. It will be the best time to start the life. So, I was happy.
He used to tell me that he will never get a job and kept applying to low paying jobs. I told him no. You can. We can. And so. I started an year long journey. I used to find jobs. I made him CVs, cover letters, professional website. I used to help him with everything. I used to talk his practice interviews. And then. It happened. He got a 3 month opportunity in Qatar. Before leaving, his family asked my parents to say yes to marriage. And they did. We were supposed to get married in this December 2022.
When he went to Qatar about 4 months ago. His family visited my house. Brought gifts. And, his mother gifted me her gold bangles. It is sort of an engagement. I was happy. However, a day before that, we had a fight. The fight was about my marital gift. In our culture, husband has to give a marital gift to wife after they get married. He sent me a voice note saying that I am thinking of not giving the money to you and instead, the house that me and my parents will build, I want to use my money in that. To me, it was a bit odd. First, because it was not a lot of money. Secondly, it was my gift. Thirdly, they were the ones who decided on this gift. So, why argue now. I just told him that he can use the money. He is important to me. I dont want anything. But, i did tell him that I felt bad. Its a gift. He shouldnt have told me that he is going to give me something in the first place, when he can change his mind in the future. Well, he didnt take that well. He stopped talking to me. So, the day his mother and family came, the day we were kind of engaged, he wasnt talking to me. I was heart broken. After wearing the bangles. I called him. He was rude and angry. I cried so much. Infront of him. I couldnt take it anymore so I said I am sorry. I will never say anything. After that, he was fine. he smiled and said romantic lines. And instantly everything became better.
Now, after this. almost 2 months ago, all was good. I was extremely happy. I started developing relationship with his sisters and mother. I wished them on their birthday and mother's day. He told me that now I have to look for jobs in the US for him. I was happy. We used to talk for hours about how our life is going to be in the US. So, when I used to finish my work late at night around 2am, sometimes 3. I used to search for post doc opportunities. For hours. I perfected his website. All of his documents, CV, Cover letters were professional. He used to tell me that senior professors used to ask him where he got made these. I searched top universities in every state. Then, the professors, their websites, the kind of students that select. Made lists. Made him interview guides. I used to miss my work. I am taking a masters degree. He told me, if he gets a job, I will have to leave it in the middle so that we can get married and have our first child immediately. I was up for it.
And then, we did it. He got the job. In US. We did it. The professor. I researched him. I got the keywords. I made him an amazing interview guide. It was the Best BEST day of my life. I was happy for him. His accomplishments became mine. Mine were nothing to me. I was nothing to me. He was my everything. the job was paying 48000 dollars per year. I too was working. But mine was 7000 Dollars per year. The next day, after getting the job. He told me. I will buy health insurance. If we want to travel around, I will pay for it. I was laughing. Money was very small thing that he was asking for. I said yes. I will do it.
Now, after 3 days later (a month ago), he told me that I cant tell my parents about the US job. I was amazed. My mother prayed for him, my father did too. They loved him, accepted him. He said that his parents dont want my parents to know. It did break my heart a little. I asked why? He said that I was involved in a fight with my uncle. He is in the US too. We have had some court cases. If someone files a complaint about me. I wouldnt be able to go. I said when did that happen. He said that a lot of bigger organizations are involved and it has been happening since last year. I was shocked. I used to tell him everything. EVERYTHING.
But, well, I ignored it. and just said, so? Why cant I tell my parents? What does this has to do with my parents. And he said this is an order. He shouted so much. He said, if you disobey me, I will never talk to you again. i said okay. I wont tell them. Now the question was, why would important organizations both in US and our country will be involved in a family fight where an uncle has pushed him and cursed? He called me stupid, childish and said that I overthink. I thought to myself, maybe I am stupid.
Before I proceed, I also want to share that two weeks before he got the job. He asked me. Why did I leave him for 3 years. I told him. He was extremely angry. He said you are calling me characterless. Yes, I was chatting with those girls. Its good that I did that. But, it meant nothing. I didnt say anything. What I said was "I didnt like that you were cheating on me". He said, how dare you used this word. And my response was, sorry. I was angry at myself. I said, what I meant was, you were sending hearts, chatting day and night. The kind of conversation you dont have with friends. Well, he shouted. He said that to make this right, I will have to swear on my parents lives that I wont repeat it. And I will say sorry because I disrespected him. I did. I said sorry.
Continuing from the month ago thing. So, when he said I cant tell my parents, the day after that his mother called. She said that, she wants to inquire about my character. She wants to meet my extended family and see if the women are respectful. She said that she has one son only, she cares about the kind of family his wife belongs to because that's how the children turn out to be. My mother was shocked. We were planning for the wedding thing. And his mother said this. His mother started getting angrier and even more disrespectful when my mother said calmly that look, you can visit everyone. We have no issue. Here is the address. Plus, we did give you addresses an year ago. You could have visited then. But, the only that that hurt me (my mother said to her) is that the timing isnt correct. Plus, using these words, is a inappropriate. His mother shouted that i have started hating you (to my mother). To this my mother replied (she lost her control) that I think you should take your bangles). Before my mother could say that you can first make sure if my daughter is a fit for your boy and then give her gifts, his mother cut the call.
Right after that, my mother informed my father. And, after 20 mins. His mother called my father. She shouted. Now the thing is. She said. How dare your wife said take the bangles. My father said why did you talk about inquiry about my daughter's character. She said, I am the boy's mother, I can say anything.
Later that day, his sister called me. And she is younger than me. She was rude. She said what are you telling me brother? Stop making our house hell. I was shocked. I didnt do anything. I told him. I called him. The only thing he said is that, yes my mother said this. Let her visit your family and your mother should apologize to my mother. I couldnt believe it.
Her mother blocked my mother. And next day went to my grandmother's house. In the evening, all of his sisters blocked me. The only thing I was doing was begging him, asking him not to leave me. That I had no fault. And he was saying, my mother and sisters hate you now. I cant marry you. Whatever my mother was saying, your mother shouldnt have said anything. She should apologize. I said, please ask your father to call mine. he said no. He hates your father. Hate is a very strong word. I was amazed. How can people change in a week after their boy gets a job in the US?
Well, my grandmother told them that I am a respectful person. Secondly, I was supposed to get engaged to my cousin (SUPPOSED), but my father said no.
When his mother came back home, the next day, she called me. I was on the way home from my college. I recorded the call because he asked me to record it in case his mother calls. I picked up. And she was literally growling. She was screaming. She said, you are a fraud. Your mother is a fraud. You were supposed to get engaged to your cousin. I was like what. I couldnt even say a word. She screamed and said, where is your mother, that fraud. And she said somethings, maybe it was cursing. Idk, I was in shock. And she said, if you control my son, or talk to him, I will destroy you. I cut her call.
I sent the recording to him. He sent me a crying emoji. He said its a reaction. Your grandmother shouldnt have said this. He said that your mother started this, why did she say that take your bangles. She has to apologize.
That day, I pretty much died. I was a dead person. I was losing everything. I asked him. Will you get married. He said yes. But I will always find you in her face. It killed me. I said why cant you marry me. I can wait. Wait for life. I will not ask for any money, any gift, I will pay for everything. I will tolerate every word that your mother says. I will stay quiet. I will do as you say. He said, my mother hates you. I cant go against her. Secondly, my parents are important to me. Thirdly, if everything is fine, then it will be best that whatever my mother says, even if its harsh, you wont say anything. I said yes, I wont.
My father called him that day. When my father asked him, since your mother doesnt want this, so if it ends, will you be okay? He said, yes. My father said, look son, you can ask the men of your family to get in touch with me. Let's meet and discuss it. Phone calls and texts dont resolve matters. He said nothing. Nobody contacted my father after this call. After the call, he called me and said, your father is right. This shouldnt happen. Actually love is nothing. I asked my father. He said, he never said love is nothing. He said ^ (The above line, first one only).
The next day, around 6am in the morning he said that your mother will apologize and thats how everything will be ok. I said what about the things she said to me? He said its a reaction. And its okay if she said that character thing to your mom. I didnt say anything. I slept. I hadnt slept for 2 days. And right after two hours, around 8am my mom woke me up. She said his mother is here. I said what. I called him. i said please stop her. I cant live without you. Everything was spinning around me. And I told him. My head is spinning, I cant see. And he replied with a scream. SO WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? MY HEAD IS SPINNING (He was mimicking me). And he said, I cant do anything.
His mother came with her two sisters. We havent met them before. And, in the first three minutes, she was sweet. She said, I am sorry. etc etc. Right after three minutes, she started screaming hell. She said, that day I said I hate you, today I am saying, I hate your face. My mother was shocked. And then she said give me those bangles. My mother gave it to them.
When they left. I felt like I was crushed. I felt that someone was splashing cold water on my face. I felt like someone was cutting my heart with a sharp knife.
And then, he texted me. He called me a liar. Apparently, the first 3 mins, where she was being sweet. She recorded it. And he told me. Look at my mother, she wants to resolve everything. Why isnt your mother saying sorry. He said that his mother swore that the first time she talked to my mother, she didnt say anything about character. That she said, she just wants to meet my family. She also said that, my mother is that one who told her " I hate you".
I was speechless. He said its good that this has ended. All you had to do was to convince your mother to apologize. Now block me from everywhere. I cant build a relationship with liars.
The last text I sent was that. You will someday realize what you and your family did to me. I will not forget or forgive. I will always love you and wait for you.
It has now been a month. Everyday is hell for me. I want to kill myself. Why wasnt I worth him? What the hell is wrong with me. Was it really my mother's fault. I love him. He was my everything. I can never love again. I can never think about anyone. Its hell for me. LITERAL HELL. I question my abilities, my confidence has shattered. I hate my face. I hate myself. I hate me. Today, I slapped and scratched my face. I asked for death. This isnt living. I want to die. I am not worth it. I am a piece of shit that nobody wants. My parents said, if you want we can go there and apologize to them. But, they keep telling me. They have the ability to kill me. There are cases in our culture where mothers are so possessive that they burn their son's wives if they are in love. They just want children, babies. That's it.
But, even then. How can I explain? I have loved one man for 10 years almost. I compromised on so much. Even then. He left me. He is 31. He is not a child. He left me in a moment. Why. Because my mother replied to something? What was my fault? What did I do? Did i cheat? No. Did I disobeyed? No.
I feel thumping in my head. I am weak. My body aches. When I wake up, half of my face is swollen. I have developed digestion issues. I lost too much weight in a month. I dont know what to do. Maybe its me. I am unlucky. I dont deserve love. I did it all. He never surprised me in life. I did. I used to plan surprise birthdays, got him the best gifts. Its not about the things. It was about his face. I loved it when he smiled. I loved talking to him. He was my everything. I cant go a step forward. My life has lost its meaning. All my goals were tied to him. Nothing is mine. He got his job. He is fine. What about me? I am dead.
So where is God? Will he take my revenge? I dont want him to die or lose his job. Just feel. Feel what he did to me. I find peace in hitting myself. Beating up myself. That shuts me up for an hour. I invested everything. Time, money, love, EVERYTHING. But, even then. After following all his orders. I am here. Alone. Craving for him. I crave for him. I cant sleep. I cant focus. I have nightmares. I dont know what did i do? We were supposed to get married. Everybody knows. My extended family.
Why did his mother visit my grandmother, if she didnt wanted him to marry me?
I dont know anything now. I just know that I have lost. I am a failure. He is a phd doctor. He has a successful job now. In the US. He will get married. He will be happy.
What about me? I cant imagine someone else. I close my eyes I see him. I can hear him. Maybe I am crazy now. Where is God? Where is Justice?
People are punished for murder. What about emotional murder? No one can see my death. I have died. I cant feel myself anymore. I am just breathing. Even though I want to kill myself, I dont have the courage. But, I am getting there. Yesterday, it was only beating. Today I dug my nails into my face. I am alone. I cant move on. This is my end. I dont deserve anything. I am crap. Successful people dont want me. Because, I. I am shit.
Your fiance and his whole family are toxic. You've wasted 10 on him. Move on and count your blessings you didn't marry such an incredibly abusive jerk.
In fact, he's done nothing except be abusive toward you. You deserve better.
This is quite intense. You must have amazing strength to have dealt with this for so long. I kno you feel defeated right not but that is to be expected considering all you have been through. It may be worth someone helping you through this one.
I see a lot of self betrayal in what you have written and this could be the sneaky reason your feelings r so strong. This person has brought this to u to show u just how much u bend for others and, as painful as it is, this may be the time to shake this part of yourself up. Ask yourself has there been any other time when you have felt this way. When you felt like you have been left behind or treated as unimportant. Explore what you would be doing differently if you weren’t feeling this pain, wat makes this so important.
It’s super difficult to help in a forum but I recommend speak to someone, ideally stranger to see if you can work through wats really causing the pain.
Thank you for the responses.
It really felt like someone is out there who understands. It means a lot.
I don't know my identity. I don't know how to get up. So much happened, yet, I miss him. I felt like I lost a giant piece of me. I can feel that I am longer me. Something died. Everything is dark. I cant see my future. I can't get up. I get nightmares. There is a voice in my head that keeps talking to him. I keep getting these flashes where I see that he will be happy. Getting married. Going to the USA. Living a happy life.
Meanwhile me? Physical pain and injuries are visible. If I put my pain into words. I feel exactly like someone keeps stabbing me in my heart and then pulls down the knife. Or, when you cut meat. The first cut. That sharp cut with a knife. That's what I feel. All the time.
Yes, there was self-betrayal. I did not value myself. But, that was because I loved him. And wasn't it supposed to be like that? When you are about to marry someone. You prioritize them. I did that. He was my everything. I cant move on. I can't take a step forward.
I can never love someone else. I can never ever tell someone that I love them. I feel dead on the inside. He left me. How could he? How could he do this? Was I that worthless? I begged him. For hours. Not to leave me.
Everything around me is blurry. Please tell me, he and his family will suffer somehow? Will there be justice? Is the power of karma true?
Will he get what he deserves? Probably not in this lifetime.
My question would be, why in the world do you love someone who was nothing but unkind to you? Not just unkind - abusive!
I feel very sad for you that you live in a place that considers his behavior acceptable and even considers it loving. He abusive. He's been abusive from day one. Your entire post is about things you did for him. What did he do FOR YOU? Anything? I mean, anything except tell you that whatever you were doing was wrong?
Yes, he did nothing for me. I look back and all I can find is
- The good conversations we had
- The laughter and sarcasm matched
- I told him everything
He only gave me his time. And to me. I guess that was love. I don't know how to stand up again. But, these answers on this thread have stopped me from killing myself. I have no one. No friends. My parents. How much can I tell them? Our culture is against therapy. So, that leaves me with what? This forum. I am grateful to all those who replied. At least I found out that my parents were right when they said: "he and his family are toxic".
Please tell me how can I keep this thread going. These replies help me a lot. I guess I need constant reminders and reassurance that it happened for the best. Thank you for being here. I have been through pretty dark times. And, do let me know if there is any other group where people can chat back and forth. Thanks again.
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I am sorry for the end of your relationship. I know it hurts. I'm grateful, though, I didn't marry the first two men I thought I was 'in love' with. One may have worked out eventually - but after the initial attraction/romance, I was leaving town to go to school. I told him it wouldn't be fair to either of us to wait for one another. We were both **very** young, and really should have dated more before making a commitment. He said he didn't want to date anyone else, I said we both need to. Off I go to school - then comes the letter (back in those days, people wrote actual letters to one another) In it, he said he eventually did start dating again, and - he had found someone. I still remember her name! The way things go in the US though, young people many date quite a few folks before they settle down, and in fact, so did he. He ended up marrying several times.
The other man - it started out okay, but within a relatively short time he was dating others behind my back (well, not really behind my back, if he was so careless I found out about it!) I tried to win him back, tried so hard to **make** it work, begging him to take me back (he dumped me a couple times). I finally asked him if he would ever make a commitment. He said no, because he'd never marry someone whose morals were so low she would live with someone before marriage. I was stunned. The man I lived with was HIM, because he had told me when we started dating he'd NEVER marry without living with someone first. "But YOU'VE lived with me! How can you say that to a woman when you've done the same thing?" He didn't have an answer. I gathered up the things I had at his apartment, and walked away. One day he told me he wanted to at least be on friendly terms, and suggested we go to lunch. At that lunch he told me how much better sex was with "Susie!"
A year later, after all this, I ran into him and he invited me to his family's barbeque. I thought this was really odd. Then I realized what had likely happened. I looked at him and said, "You never told your family we broke up, did you?" (they all liked me a lot) He looked down, embarrassed that I had guessed the truth. "Oh my God, you never told them!" I guess this wasn't something he would tell them - seeing as how he was sleeping with Susie before we broke up.
Come to find out though - he treated his male friends as poorly as he treated me, I guess. I reconnected with one who used to be a good buddy of his. At some point, there was a massive falling-out, and Old Boyfriend left and moved a thousand miles away, and never contacted his friends again. "Wanted to leave his past behind" is what his former friend said. He died last fall. In the obituary, there were no children, there was no spouse, no 'longtime companion.' There were no mentions of activities, no bowling leagues, no causes he'd believed in, no fraternal organizations he had belonged to. The only things listed were a couple jobs he had held and his childhood hobby of collecting stamps. Pretty empty life, in my opinion - but maybe that was the way he wanted it. I suspect his true love was alcohol, but that's just my guess.