Was I in the wrong ?
JASON - Jul 11 2022 at 07:05
I recently posted on the forum regarding my marriage.
Things have changed dramatically since, I cancelled a holiday I booked for myself because my husband wasn't happy about me going alone. We've booked to visit Canada, now the truth has come out, he wants to go not gor a holiday, we'll be staying with his family and he'll be looking for a job and wants me to join him in moving there. Apparently this has his life long dream, that he's judt told me about recently.
Where we are now I earn more money and my job comes with a large beautiful house, all bills including, I work up to 70 hours a week during the summer months and 2/3 day weeks in winter. I also earn a much more than my husband and if we was to move, my job is rare to find if not impossible in Canada. I'm an estate manager.
My husband went on a night out with work colleagues last Thursday, they tend to talk shop, and joke about work, unfortunately I don't get the jokes or understand who they speak about, so most of the time I'll stay home, watch a movie, read a book, then have an early night. Friday I was invited to have a drink with friends I've not seen in a few months. I was free that evening and I asked my husband, if he minded me going, and I wanted him to join me, I suggested 1 drink with them then we can go off to a restaurant and spend the evening together, just the 2 of us. This wasn't very well received, I was told to go out as he has plans to see his friends again.
When I arrived at the bar, he sent over 50 messages saying I ruined our evening together, he expected us to have a night in and I chose my friends over him, I reminded him he was out the evening before and if he had a problem with this why didn't he tell me before, rather than saying he's going out with friends.
I got home just before 10pm (I met friends at 6pm) and the house was a mess, I started to clean up and he came downstairs, he asked who was I with, I told him, his reply was, I know, I thought you would lie about who was there, he had drove to where I was and watched me for some time. I felt sick, I told him this is unacceptable, we got into an argument and I went to bed, I slept in the guest room and have been there since.
He said he'd help me this weekend as I had a very busy schedule and he was off, (for him living in this house, rent and bill free, the deal was, he's to help me now and then when needed, plus when I do catering that is separate and I split the profits with him, i do all the prep and cooking, he serves) he refused to help, so I started at 6am and finished at 11pm this was non stop. Then I had to walk the dogs as he refused to take them.
Sunday he was I was up out and working at 6am again and come 3pm I had to stop, I was physically and mentally exhausted, I went to lay on the bed to relax, my husband hadn't spoken a single word to me at this point.
I started to receive text messages from him asking if I wanted to invite a 3rd person for sex, we have never done this and I've made it clear from day 1 if he wants to share, then to find someone else. I was tired and annoyed at this point, he then said he'd do all the looking etc. I told him to do what he wants, I don't care, I want to rest. I received photographs of a person and he said shall we invite him? I was dumbfounded, he said he had gone on a dating site, uploaded my pictures and asked this guy to come over. Then he told me, he's going out and will leave us alone,I don't think I can write on here what I said.
We had a massive argument and in the argument he admitted to sleeping a work colleague twice, but it was when we was arguing and not together so this doesn't count. He's previously accused me of sleeping around and doing things that are just not true, I know I'm no angle and can be stubborn at times, but I'm not adulterous, never have been, nor will I.
He then for almost 2 hours told me all my faults and that the move to Canada is better for us, a fresh start, without my friends. I told him he's not putting me in a box and hiding me away, and at this point said he needs to pack a bag and find a place to live.
Then for 40 minutes I was told everything is fine for me I have a home, he'd have to move out, he gave up everything for me to move in together. And at the end, everything he'd said about the meeting site and his affairs was untrue, he just wanted me to know how he thinks this is how he feels, because me going out with my friends and leaving him alone.
I stayed in my room and took a hot bath to relax, after about an hour he started talking about our trip to Canada how its going to be fantastic us together a new fresh start. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I said I'm going to sleep it was after 9pm at this point and I hadn't eaten all day, (when I was in the bath, he'd gone out and got sushi for himself, i was not asked if i was hungry) I received several more messages saying go relax, I've done nothing this weekend, he's exhausted and I don't care. Although, the only thing he done over the weekend was to go to restaurants ,as I usually do all the cooking.
He wants to get back together, he does these things because he loves me and I'd never find anyone like him, who would forgive me so often and accept my mistakes. Luckily I'm a very strong person and I won't put up with nonsense. However their is doubts, questions I'm thinking, was I wrong?
He is abusive, manipulative, and controlling. I was opposed to your solo vacation, in the previous post as couples should do that stuff together.
I even understood his reaction, as I would be put out if my spouse went on vacation without me.
But he is continuing to push harder and harder, including making life plans without you.
My advice, let him go by himself. And change the locks while he is gone.
I remember answer your last post and I agree he is pushing harder. Are you familiar with npd? (Narcissistic personality disorder) because he is tickings all the boxes when it comes to manipulating, emotionally abusive, gaslighting, silent treatment, controlling and not to mention him cheating on you. He’s projecting his cheating onto you and clearly wants you to stoop as low as he did by inviting in a 3rd person.
I wouldn’t go to Canada, he clearly wants to isolate you and take you away from your friends.
Thank you once again for your replies.
It's really refreshing to hear other points of view, I was thinking on the same level, but alway had doubts.
I know now what to do.