I am afraid that I am starting to hate my own family
Hello everyone. This is my first time posting here. It will be a bit long so thank you in advance for reading.
I am a 25 years old IT engineer, living and working in a third world country. My uncle has an IT company that has offices in Dubai and Tokyo and my bully older brother who I rarely got along with since we were children is working there. Seeing him in that city when I was struggling in college to get accepted into engineering studies made me feel so sad. He studied in a private college and did his internship in my uncle's company and then joined the Tokyo Office. One of my motivations to keep up with my studies is join my uncle's company and work in Tokyo too. I was hoping that maybe the expat experience will change my brother a bit and we might get along in the future as coworkers.
Unfortunately, he got worse due to the stress. In 3 years, he got into arguments with pretty much everyone in his team, including his own manager. Things escalated and he almost got himself fired after an argument with my uncle, the CEO of the company. However things worked out and he remained where he was, thanks to my uncle and father good relationship. During the time he got into all of these problems, he keeps calling me and warning me not to come to this company because the working culture is toxic and the managers are unqualified people. It sounded like a threat more than an advice, because that's the way he talks. The pressure he put on me turned me off and I decided to make my own path and not join this toxic family business.
Now I have been working for one year after graduating. My brother has been in the company for 7 years, got promoted and got a raise. The best thing about my uncle's company is that they afford housing and apartments for the engineers working there, so there is no point about stressing about finding a flat or anything because you already got one. When my brother almost got himself fired, he found a job in Belgium but turned it down because he realized that he will start the apartment hunting struggle when he already has an apartment in freaking Tokyo.
As for me, I still had the desire to work in Tokyo, my dream city, even if it's not my uncle's company. I thought that since I have a brother there, I would have at least a temporary place until I find my own flat. That's the logical thinking I had and I never looked elsewhere except Tokyo. However, thanks to the COVID, Japan had its borders closed for everyone except Japanese people and residents and I could not land any interviews.
When I shared this thought with my father, I got disappointed. He adviced me not to because there is a possibility that my uncle would get mad because I chose a different company, yet in the same city... I got furious but did not tell him anything. I am your freaking son and all you have is worries about my uncle ? Sorry I did not bring the part where my father is an ass kisser. He sucks up continuously to my uncle because he gave my brother a job in a city he could never have on his own and because he invited him to come to Dubai for some vacations. My father did not even ask me why I chose Tokyo and no other city, he just straight up got nervous and told me that Japan is not a good first destination and at the same time, he keeps hyping that place up whenever he brings up my brother to his friends or talks about it to me to make me join my uncle's company.
I asked my brother about advice to find a job in Tokyo since he has been there for years and told me to give up and look elsewhere If I don't find any. He told me not to wait for Tokyo and only Tokyo and look for a job in another city. I really get triggered when he calls my parents when he is in the nightclub or on vacations, living the life when he managed to keep me away and got away with it. So basically, as you see, I had no support whatsoever. I found my jobs by myself and I got accepted into engineering studies with my own effort.
A company in Munich ( Germany ) contacted me a few months ago. I did good on interviews and got accepted. The recruiter told me that there will be a relocation package and I will get at least a private room. I was reassured, happy and accepted the offer. Munich is a great city too. At least that's what I thought. Relocation service turned out to help only with making appointments for registration and getting working pre-approval. For the accommodation, all they can do is book a serviced apartment ( hotel room ), which is a lot expensive and cannot be afforded for a month. I keep hearing all these horror stories about how hard it is to find an apartment in Munich. People spend around 6 months to find a 1 room apartment that is worth 1000 euros per month. I started getting stressed and I did not even go there yet since I am waiting for my VISA appointment ( 3 months and I am still waiting, this is quite common too ).
I somehow started to regret my decision and feel like I was played. My brother and father got me exactly where they wanted to. My brother kept me away from the company just like he wanted to and my father did not want me to be in any other company aside from my uncle's in Tokyo, and he succeeded. I could have at least tried to join my uncle's company, see what it's like and leave if things do not work out. Thanks to my father's kiss ass behavior was a big factor. He did things that even my brother hated. He talks in his behalf and says that my brother is in love with his new car and wants to drive it and wash it and some messed up things like that. Whenever we are about to make a tiny decision, he tries to involve my uncle and convince us to take his advice. He gets into fights with my mother who refuses to kiss up to him as well. It's embarrassing, believe me...
Now that I am going through all of this stress, I am starting to hate them. Because I kept quiet for so long, I feel like I am about to explode. They prevented me from the Tokyo opportunity, even if it was unintentionally. I talk to myself like crazy when I am in my room. I am going crazy. I don't feel like talking to any of them: not my mother, not my brother, not my father. Even if I wanted to, what am I supposed to say ? I already accepted the job and I am waiting for my VISA. That was my decision.
I feel like I am going to get distant from them even more and hold a greater grudge when I finally move in to Munich and go through the horrible apartment hunting there. I don't even know what I am asking here for exactly. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I feel like there is nothing I could have done better. My brother and father being turn offs is something I could not control by any means. If I decided to go against them and go to Tokyo and work with my brother, there is a great possibility that they will ruin the experience for me. I was not aware that the apartment hunting in Munich is THAT bad when I accepted and I thought that the relocation service will help with that matter.
Thank you for reading this and sorry it's a bit long. I wish I could talk more about it so please don't hesitate to put in some comments.
Accept the move, and put some distance between you all. Sometimes that helps. If it doesn't, you can deal with the issue then.
"When I shared this thought with my father, I got disappointed. He adviced me not to because there is a possibility that my uncle would get mad because I chose a different company, yet in the same city... "
What IS this uncle - head of the Tokyo mafia?! He and those around him certainly seem to think so?
It sounds as if your extended family thinks it OWNS you and therefore can dictate where and for whom you can or can't work! What-ah!?
And worse - in a way that says if you don't work for him, i.e. if HE can't have you, NO employer in Tokyo can!
That is SO DYNANISTIC-NARCISSISTIC an attitude, it beggars belief! What century are they from?!
And clearly your brother doesn't know - nor, I'm betting, ever has - how to talk to you as an equal with your own mind, rather than his- ...I don't know - SON? I'm betting this was always your problem with him. So who was it, originally, taught him that relating to you like that, abusing his power (of being older and/or bigger) over you, was acceptable?
Oh, wait...we can SEE who:
Do you spot the parallel in the dynamic between this brother (uncle) and his (presumably younger, but maybe merely less aggressive) brother (your dad) - and your older brother towards yourself?
Domineering and controlling much?!
Dominate or BE dominated, seems to be the familial rule. (Bleugh.)
I'm not talking about how you yourself behave, however. Clearly you're not an obedient little panderer, unlike your father - and brothe, finally/eventually, despite brother didn't used to go quietly. Shut him up and persuaded him to stay, with various carrots, did they? But can you see it, and how you're treated like you're still expected to automatically slot into that entire role and life script, anyway?
At least there's basis to presume your brother was genuine when he forewarned you to steer clear, despite the fact his method wasn't exactly sensitive or respectful, just bark-bark-bark.
But there again - WAS he? Or has he always felt threatened by and competed with you, and feared the competition you'd pose if you began working there? Maybe however much of both objectives?...to defend his own position while protecting yours? Who can tell with him. I guess he must be the inconsistent type...Nice Brother one minute, Monster Brother the next?...HENCE you still felt it reasonable to expect him to want to put you up until you were settled - yes?
What a shame that back then he didn't keep up with his struggling (for logic and justice?), to the point of struggling HIMSELF out of the corporate front door? Clearly he wasn't strong enough to resist the lure of money, status and privileges. But, it looks very much to me like that, back then, was his pivotal Crossroads point...between choosing principles over short-lived self-gratification....healthy versus unhealthy life...and he sadly chose NOT to exit that life and (er) lifestyle.
That would basically make him a career prostitute.
Besides all of that observational analysis, however - what do you mean, STARTING to?
What took you so long?
I guess you needed that many years out of their warped forcefield, huh? God bless physical separation aka Time-Out, eh? What a life-saver!
I suspect the reason for the mixed attitude on the part of your father (stay away from Tokyo/join your uncle's Tokyo company) is because his brother keeps questioning him about what you intend. If the guy's a narcissist (which, to be honest, you HAVE to be these days to succeed in business...assuming one is a high-functioning one), then, he won't like the fact you haven't come begging and scraping for a job with him, the STAR BUSINESSMAN, for his STAR COMPANY (ego blah-blah). It'll feel like disapproval and rejection. VIP or not, petty as well as inadvertent snub or not - his puny little ego wouldn't be able to get over it...."when's younger newphew coming to ask for a job, why hasn't he contacted me already"...on and on and on (they can nag like no other type on the planet - for the simple reason they can't self-soooth nor come to terms with anything not of their choosing//decision, especially as it fails to honour their "authoritah!" (yawn)).
That type need false heirarchy, lots of shiny things, and more and more MORE ....STUFF. Trying to fill the wrong hole, see. Trying so repeatedly that it becomes an ingrained habit too deep to remove (without about a decade of therapy). As for this, therefore - "The best thing about my uncle's company is that they afford housing and apartments for the engineers working there": probably no-one would want to stay working there longer than 5 minutes, otherwise! It's called, creating over-dependency, i.e. incarcerating them all via the short 'n curlies. It must be misery-making...to the point where that bonus loses its charm rather quickly.
You don't sound like they're your type. AT ALL. Plus your actions confirm that: you broke away...have gone independent.
In fact, I'm betting that along with the carrots, there would have been one or more giant sticks: something like, "stay and knuckle down (even if you don't like our unethical ways) or I'll ensure you never work anywhere else in Tokyo!", all that usual scaredy-pants threat-making (- underneath their false power, they're cowards and weaklings - HENCE need Stuff, more than they need pleasing human relationships). Trust me, you've dodged a giant bullet. And don't let any teething problems with finding "your place" persuade you to ever think otherwise. The 'struggle' you're encountering is a combination of perfectly par for the course and the totally dystopian state the economic world is in. Normal. Plus, struggles are what build mental muscles (for whatever future, unforeseeable emergency, usually).
Well anyway, right now you have two choices:
1. Understand what and why they are (read up on corporate family narcissism), accept that they're not sane or healthy any more, DETACH EMOTIONALLY, but still have (wound-down) contact, or
2. Ditto but detach physically as well, i.e. acknowledge that you've always been solo and unsupported - and then look at how well you've done without any leg-ups! And acccept the fact (despite it leaves you no room for the illusion of control) that it's not your fault whatsoever that you were born into a family like this, as included your one sibling allowed to remain viewing you as a threat/the competition, rather than saw your parents intervene and adjust his attitude back to where it should have been: my brother is my lifelong ally.
Yes, it's sad either way. But there's only a reality plate here, not any fantasy menu containing the so-called familial Ideal. And anyway, someone up there obviously knows you don't need those normal accoutrements, and that, indeed, continuing to go it alone under your own steam will be GOOD for whatever position in the great mechanical machine your cog was intended for. So, once 1 or 2 is established and ticking along nicely, next comes:
3. Finding other 'orphans' (there are WAY more than you'd think out there in your exact same boat!) and 'adopting' one another as surrogate brother, sister, mum, dad, whatever...
4. And then finding a life partner. Or maybe not= Maybe first buying yourself a hot-air balloon and circling the globe! Who knows? The world is your oyster! You literally have no mental shackles (limiters) now! Bet you anything you like, as soon as you finish getting your head round all of this will be the moment some lucky break walks in. You'd be surprised how, before that point, slightly stinky and stooped Narc slime can make you, without you ever realising it.
You obviously know how a good brother SHOULD behave, however, and what healthy looks and sounds like - IN DETAIL - as opposed to that mess that dares call itself your family (pfff!). So how's about combining your greater strength and sense of humanity/empathy, with your commercially viable skills by starting a charity in your field, you and any fellow IT fledglings? IS there much out there in terms of IT-based charitable services? Find a gap.
If you want my honest opinon, your father clearly DOESN'T rate his brother's company that much, but it gives him something to big himself up with....allows him to live vicariously through your elder brother. Your father is most definitely a trapped member of that whole cult. Too weak - or too old, now? - to break away. Hence boast-boast-boast (bitch-bitch-bitch). (Does that make sense of him now?)
He's not strong and not brave.
Your brother's not strong or brave, either.
By the laws of family average, that leaves you as the strong and brave one. (You da Rebel, the only one with a free mind!)
Show them how it's done - go on! But from a safer distance from now on.
Finally, it's the job that matters, not its location - trust me on that. Not least because, places change...and during upheaval like lately, rapidly and massively.
(Wish I was an IT engineer. I know EFF-ALL, really! And now it's just too late to catch up. Meh.)
Re. Munich. Surely there are other prospective business relocators, like yourself, all desperate for accommodation? What about a house share - would that be easier to organise?
Note this, however: this company chose YOU. And clearly tried to lure you (note that word again!) with semi-truths. Desperate to have you, much? That means they acknowledge you're too good for them. "NEXT!......"
...Albeit, Germany itself isn't a bad idea? Nor is a better relocation service company! There again - if you're IT, why do you need to be BASED at all, ANYWHERE?
Well, anyway. I know it's infuriating to find you've been manipulated away from a certain course. But that's no reason to de-toxify your uncle's company in your mind in order to somehow justify your anger. It needs to justification. And if you want to explode, feel free to do so here. We're used to it. Oh, aye, you are not the first and neither will be the last (sensible) family-exciser we've had on here. You're in good company.
As for this: "I talk to myself like crazy when I am in my room. I am going crazy." That's healthy. It's called self-counselling and is what Rogerian therapy was originally based upon (hearing yourself repeated and/or in a different way, like an artist who doesn't really 'understand' a scene until he's depicted it in his own way). You ought to try it in the mirror - even more effective!
"I don't feel like talking to any of them: not my mother, not my brother, not my father. Even if I wanted to, what am I supposed to say ?"
Natural, understandable, sensible and necessary. It's called Recovering.
And what you say, is - "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, BEAKY 1, 2 AND 3!" Hahaha. But I mean it. ...Maybe not that rudely. Or may BE that rudely? Might jolt them off the uncle's Matrix, eh! The point is, however, their getting to hear all the ins and outs of your life is a - what now? - FAMILY MEMBER PRIVILEGE. But family member Is as family member Does! No work? NO PERK.
)You're the healthy, mostly slime-free one. That makes you a superior specimen. YOU should be the boss. Albeit, not of those chimps.)
WHEN they learn to treat you better is when they can start having the odd privilege back. Don't hold your breath through...as I say, seen this play out a thousand times before and what your doing is called Self-Preservation so - good for you! You'll get used to it. You always WERE alone, if you're honest. Most people in your position, at whatever point, come to see the truth in that.
My advice is to start 'making' some friends, if you haven't made any or many already. How you 'do' this is - start going out and having more fun. Not only will it counteract your pain and sadness but it'll obviously put you out there where others like you, with a vacancy, can bump into you.
Finally, I reiterate: that relocation agency cannot be the only one. Try another? If not, then it's not Munich but Munich was to get you thinking along those farther-flung lines - which, now, you have. So where else in the world would you love to live and work, even just for a while?
PS: I hope your brother's car is there to hold his hand on his deathbed. Chances are a bit slim, though, haha.
PPS: No. THIS is long. (LOL)
PS: I wouldn't be at all surprised that, with you having left the cult, your mother will be next to follow suit. The healthy parent taking the lead of the healthy offspring is another unexpectly common unfolding in such cases (it's as if, subconsciously, the bairn escaping shames the Okay parent for not having been the one to set that example). But if that happens, it was meant to, needed to, and would have happened, anyway, without you doing a thing. It just speeds up what was always inevitable (which is better for the victim parent because obviously they then have more of their life left to do as they please (for once)).
Or you might be surprised on that score and more than one copies you! Watch that space.
Tsk! Typo: "It needs to justification. "
It needs no justification.
Anyway - as I say - vent away! The floor is yours!