Am I been taken advantage of from my friend? Is this even a friend?
So this friend, I will use a made up name for them, for the sake of their privacy.
We will name them Kate.
Okay so Kate and I knew each other way back at high school, though we fall apart because I moved school.
We reconnected through Facebook and messager, and our friendship started at a time when one of her parent's was slowly dying sadly.
The friendship seem at the time for me was genuine. We started a art class online for kids once a week and we take turns once a week to teach.
However after a while...I notice I was doing everything, for example posting socail media content from videos to reminder posts for my art class and Kate's as well. I was creating the event pages too.
After a while I assume Kate felt guilty and told me she will do her own event page for the art class. Though...after time...week by week it slowly went from posting it at the begining of the week to 3 days or 2 days before the art class. I would find myself reminding her which is frustrating on my end.
I know she has a full time job and it's full on, but she goes on dates with guys during her work week. So I see it as she has the time to make a event page. It doesn't take much effort.
Then one day Kate told me "You can teach the kids the fundamentals of drawing and I will teach them the dirty tricks"
Because I'm a people pleaser....I was like oh yep. But deep down I'm angry about this. It goes against my vaules, and every child should learn the fundamentals if they don't they run into trouble and have to re teach themselves as they get older. Happened to me.
Anyway, I was contacted by this community centre to do a art class for the kids in person..They asked me directly not through our art class. I thought to involved my friend Kate since I felt a bit scared to do it all by myself and I have socail anxiety.
My friend wanted to do it for free. However I wanted us to get paid, because it's the cost of driving,petrol and time put into a class.
The person who contacted me to do the class we will name them Rory, insisted to pay us $40. I told Kate this and she said ask them if it's $40 each? so I did and Rory replied in email "you can spilt that up between you and your friend".
My friend Kate was annoyed and told me I should've negotiate better.
I felt ashamed and it kept going through my mind over and over.
I told my partner and he said but Kate wanted it for Free and I somehow forgot that and realised Im confused were Kate stands on this.. I told my brother and he said well you said for free because Kate told you to and Rory insisted $40 so there wouldn't be negotiating.
I pretty much orgainsed the whole event but I kept letting Kate make choices like what date to do it at instead me choosing. I would suggest something but then it be a no and we go with what she wants. She did meet up with me 2 weeks before the event because I was anxious about the class and I asked if we could have a chat before the lesson the night before which she did. Which I did appericate. But there wasn't much emotional support over all.
Kate told me she will email me flyers to print for the class but didn't, I had to remind her.
I asked her to do the invoice payment because at least she can do one thing. Well...she forgot and I had to remind her.
Doing the live class in person went well.
Though I taught the kids and she stand on the side to help the kids here and there where as my partner helped out a lot more.
Besides the art class.
Kate has seem to become distance, she has gone to therapy and now she has suddenly stop talking to me about her work problems or family life. I did suggest her to go to therapy because she was waking up anxious every morning to go to work.
But now, it's like we don't talk unless it's the art class.
I feel a bit sad by this and I do feel a bit used like I was therapist at the time before she went to therapy and now she doesn't talk to me. Kinda drop me like a hot potatoe.
She doesn't reply to my messages. It's like a couple days in-between. But she is online.
If it's something important to say related to art class then she would reply.
She told me once how she forgets to reply to people. It's not personal.
I said "yeah I notice that, you seem to reply in the evenings." After I said that, she suddenly stopped replying to me in the evenings.
I eventually built the courage to message them saying this and they haven't bother to read my message after 7 days until the day we had art class which was online through ZOOM. This was the message I said..
I said this quote "I was thinking because we might have new kids in the class, it would be good to keep on the fundamental drawing steps, because then we are consistent in our teaching of the fundamentals, help them to reinforce good habits and in the long run their art will improve. I recalled going back to the basic with my art teacher and I started to improve heaps again."
I sent her a music video on Monday because I thought it was interesting.
I message her on Thursday
and said this "Hey Kate, how are you? I hope everything is okay.
Do you have time on Saturday to chill and chat? as well plans about in person art class?
no response. Even though it show she was online.
Kate did message me 10mins before class started. saying " morning! let's talk after class - I've got a packed weekend so I can't meet in person, sorry"
I did spoke to Kate yesturday before our art class started, I asked if everything is okay? she said "yes", and seemed happy.
I asked are you sure? and she said "yep."
"So we are okay? because I notice I message you but you didn't got back to me". She said "oh yes, I was telling myself to reply back to you."
I then asked "so if anything happened between us, you will tell me"? and she said "oh yes, you would know".
After the class we had a chat through zoom about art class, I asked how her week was and she said she been on dates with guys.
I thought to myself! I knew it! she is having a grand old time and me was worried about her and I have constantly try to remind her to do things!!! for the art class.
It kinda pisst me off. Of course I didn't reacted that way when she told me. I guess I said a passive aggressive comment and said "Oh so that's how it is".
Kate wants to do another in person LIVE class. But her to teach it. At the time I agree to it but as I reflect back, I know I be doing everything again and I don't want to go through that again!
She even thought to charge for
room hire = $20 per hour
hire for 1.5 hours at $30
$20 would be Facebook ads
$5 printing flyers
$55 total advertising.
So she said we would get $130.
Where as for the class I did I only got paid $40. I know it's not her fault what happened with $49, but I feel she is riding my wave abit.
I suggested we should have less kids so we can help the kids more, but she said no. This bothered me as it feels she is treating it like some machine. Where as I'm thinking for the kids. Because last time we had 10 kids and my partner helped these two boys probably age 8-9 years and struggle to draw a cricle. My friend Kate was there but didn't notice it probably because she wasnt doing anything!!
So I really want to get out of this art class. I thought either to slowly....not mention it and she will forget about it,
or I say can't do it.
I don't really know what to do. I spoke to a friend and they said this that friends should invite you to spend time with you. So now after she has said that, it's now clicking over my head.
Sorry for the long message. I appericate you taking your time to read my message and your thoughts.
I wouldn't go so far as to say she isn't a friend. She just seems like a flighty type of person, and doesn't real put others as a priority.
These types of "friends" I usually just keep at arms length. Give her the same amount of attention she gives you, and I would recommend you stop doing art classes together, do your own art class if it is something that you want to keep doing.
She's busy online dating, A LOT, which she's finding much more fun, satisfying and rewarding. She appears to be trying to fill the void of her dying (or dead now?) parent through finding a boyfriend....similar to how she combined friend and free therapist in you ("buy one, get one free").
She's not a happy bunny. She's a desperate bunny. However, so have all of us, and no doubt yourself, at one time or another. We don't see grief as our Get Out Of Jail Free Card for neglecting someone we convinced we were a close friend to.
I would leave her alone for a while...see if she starts to turn back into her old self (in which case, she'll make contact again) (and apologise).
And yes, she IS riding your wave - and not just a bit. She's trying to dictate, when the idea was yours...it's your baby.
And she's not very interested (unless there's nothing else on), except, now, to make a lot of money quickly....to fund her dating expenses.
Do you know anyone else you could invite to be her replacement?
You SURE you couldn't do it by yourself? You sound a fantastic art teacher! A complete natural with bags of sense as well as teaching and artistic talent! And your message was good, very clear and all in the right order, so don't apologise for it!
I think you can. Because (think about it), that's what's been happening anyway...bar your (lovely) boyfriend, to a lesser degree. Plus you know the kids now.
Try it? If you somehow find you CAN'T quite handle it and start to feel anxious, just say you've suddenly been taken ill (it happens), apologise and leave (but waive any bill)....and then quickly set about seeking a replacement (junior) biz partner, OR offer your boyfriend a fee to continue being your confidence aid, just until you're ready to fly solo? I expect he could do with some extra dosh during this global cost of living crisis?
Things are NEVER as scary when they happen, compared to how we envisage them in our minds. This attempt will be very good for you. Very.
I think you've created a lovely little business that holds massive potential - you have a very intelligent methodology that could be made franchisable policy of practise. MUCH better - since you DON'T "need" a partner, just want one, just now and for a bit - to be sole proprietor and keep all the future profit for yourself.
As for her - she probably won't return to being the nice, attentive person you used to know, for another, anywhere between 2 to 5 years. That aside, you and she do NOT share the same morals, missive or mission. She would be the worst biz partner for you. Certainly during this juncture of her life. Just behaviourally demote her to Occasional Friend if you can't bear to end the friendship (even temporarily, as in, Time Out "until such time as you're fit again to be my friend and cease hurting me every single week"). And don't worry about being friendless. You've got an exciting business to continue setting-up and establishing, which will take more and more of your time anyway. Friendship will just happen (like magic!) along this new path, just naturally (you'll see).
PS: What dirty tricks?