Should i be worried?
TONNYBLUE - Aug 15 2022 at 22:52
I have been with my girlfriend for less than a year. We are both in out early forties. We were recently having a discussion following something we saw on television about sexual partners. In answer to questions that i asked during the conversation she revealed two things that i am concerned about. The first thing is that one of her close male friends is also someone with whom she was "friends with benefits" over a period of a couple of months several years ago when they were both single. They were close friends before and have remained close friends afterwards. She assures me it is platonic. The are part of the same group of friends but also see each other one on one occasionally. He is a playboy and a serial cheater. The second thing i learned is that she had cheated on her ex husband with another man at the end of their marriage. Also told me she consulted with a psychologist during the separation process about the entire situation (not just the cheating) but she was uncomfortable sharing more detail so i did not press. I am looking to build something long term. I am comfortable in my skin but i do not want to put my head in the sand about problems that may lie ahead. I appreciate her honesty about this and she promises unequivocally to be faithful, but should i be concerned? Would it be appropiate for me to push further for more details or to set some boundaries? I am considering ending the relationaship. Any advice and experiences that you are willing to share are helpful.
This is just my opinion, so take it as you will.
That girl seems to have a healthy sex drive, and also seems to not care where she gets her needs met. She can promise to be faithful to you....but she has promised that before and failed.
Personally, I would walk away. At the very least make sure to have an ironclad prenuptial agreement protecting you both 100%, no matter the reason for divorce.
A lot of folks nowadays seem to think that their own personal past should have no bearing on their future. I think this is naive, people are the things they have done. She has proven to have been untrustworthy with her previous marriage AND she still associates with a guy that she has had casual sex with repeatedly. It is a recipe for disaster.
Tonnyblue, just in case you'd like a second opinon? I agree completely and utterly with Aka's analysis, every little bit of it.
PS: How "nice and considerate" of her (pff!) ...to basically reveal that she wishes to Triangulate you with an ex. Ohhh, waaaiiit...was she "just being honest"?
Let's now put on the full reality goggles: she wouldn't have NEEDED to reassure you IN THE FIRST PLACE that "it was platonic" had she not suddenly (- note) decided to reveal what (reverse priority) (2) didn't need revealing, especially as it would/could achieve NOTHING but to make you feel at almost constant threat from now on (relationships that are healthy make you feel SAFE). Plus (1), SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD ANYTHING TO TELL ANYWAY. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE TO KEEP EXES AROUND...THAT'S WHY THEYR'E CALLED EX - LESS SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT HE IS. But then, Narcs absolutely love-love-LOVE to "stay friends" (hah!) with all their exes. The Ex-Not-Ex, I call those co-conspiratory Camillas.
So basically what you've got there is what I call a "Saved Ya!" - aka (on the web) a main component of Traumatic Bonding (*Malignant* Covert Narcissistic behaviour), which you might be familiar with from school? : Child 1 stood on edge of whatever quite high drop (say, edge of a retaining wall)...Child 2 creeps up from behind, grabs his shoulders and pushes forwards, as if to actually push him off said 'cliff-edge' (which it is to a kid), but then, in the same motion, pulls him back again, yelling, "Saved ya!" and "Ha-ha-ha!".
Put another way: She regularly cuts you with a knife followed by, immediately stitches up (badly) and dresses (badly) the wound. Your brain, repeatedly, comes away, mistakenly thinking, "My heroin!" (I know...stupid human brains.) Meanwhile, you're still needlessly injured.
It also comes away with the impression that you two have "gone through something together". Nope. She's PUT you AND ONLY YOU through something (a mini-trauma). (Repeated enough, this is basic brainwashing as forces a powerful brain chemical cocktail that quickly addicts you...to them/their behaviour and its effect (another drugs hit)...with them your one-and-only drugs supplier...who now has all the power and can treat you as badly or downright disgustingly as they like "or else".)
They set themselves up to save you. They MANIPULATE emotions out of you (startled, frightened, insecure), that affect your behaviour (in line with their agenda - this case to make you feel at risk of losing her/your relationship, cling harder to her as a result, and no longer stand up for yourself properly against her (pending) dictats)...emotions and the urge to act on them, that you wouldn't possess (possibly, nor never have before her) were it not for them and their deliberate attempts to play mind games (to drip-drip dominate you).
VERY immature behaviour from a 40-year-old. VERY. Also, as I say, toxic. (Eight months in, I'll bet. That's usually when Mr or Miss Pretend-Wonderful start on-off misbehaving (Jekyll & Hyde) and trying to control you with this psychological crap of theirs.)
I've heard enough, already. I woouldn't walk, Tonny, I'd run. In other words - yes, you're right (well felt!).
So there we go...seems I agree with AKA even more than he does! :-)
Sorry you've found yourself in this horrid place, though. Everyone here knows how you feel.
Assure her YOU'RE now platonic - go on. Because your promises DO mean something, don't they. So - let's see how she likes THEM apples!
PPS: In the context of the copious available evidence, including having conscience-free FWB-ed with a cheating playboy (male-chauvenistic slut) - I don't believe she visited a psych, sorry. And this explains why she didn't want the floor to stay open for questioning (see it?). And I think you'll find the *marriage* vows include a promise to unequivocally be faithful - and that one's legally-biding! - so her promises mean diddly-squat (and I'm both repulsed and amused that she herself couldn't work out how she had long disqualified herself from and was no longer (wait for it) ENTITLED to such a promise or any promise for that matter!...but then I'm sure she doesn't care enough to cover her tracks like that, eh).