Newly married no sex life
SHEI - Aug 16 2022 at 23:57
I'm 26 years old female recently married 7 months ago. My problem is that my husband doesn't pay attention to me since we got married and he hardly wants sex. Before we were married, we had a good sex life and he would constantly be behind me for it and I would sometimes turn him down because we weren't married as yet. Ever since we got married I'm usually the initiator and Im now the one being rejected. This makes me feel unattractive and have me constantly looking for ways to get his attention. I could be naked on the bed and he would ignore me. Please help I'm feeling frustrated.
Unfortunately, not knowing the cause of his sudden disinterest really limits the advice I can give.
The only thing I can say, is that you should talk to him about it....maybe bring up getting an annulment. Or possibly seek couples therapy, but honestly if your marriage requires couples therapy after 7 months, that doesn't bode well.
I was able to come up with some possible reasons as to why he may have list interest.
1. Now that you are married, he no longer feels like he has to pursue you as you are "his". This has led to a decline in interest as he misses the thrill of the hunt.
2. If you have talked about having children, and he is not ready, that could cause him to pull away.
3.You mentioned that you have turned him down in the past. Studies have shown (and I can confirm this), that if a man is turned down too many times (the amount varies per man, but it can be as low as 3 times in a row) he will no longer initiate for fear of rejection. And it can cause him to reject your advances, in a somewhat petty act of showing you how it feels to be rejected.
4. You may have done something to anger him, and this is causing him to pull away. Hopefully he will have told you at some point if this is the case, if he has chosen not to share this info that will make it harder to solve.
5. This isn't a very logical reason, as he was fine before marriage. But possibly a hormone imbalance?
6. And the worst for last. He could be getting his needs met somewhere else.
I agree with the other poster that it is best to find a way to talk to the person, but without pressuring to give him advice too soon. Just learn to listen first, and after it seems like you've gained his trust that you won't judge him for not being sexually active, voice out your concerns with "I" statements, such as "I feel hurt that I am being ignored sexually," and not any "you" statements, such as "You're ignoring me recently."
It is also important not to jump to conclusions. A lack of sexual attraction may not even be related to anything you have done to anger him, but know that a lessening of sexual libido also has to do with stress, that may be unrelated to you, such as stress at work or being stressed out with others in his social circle. I am not saying I know if it has to do with you or not, but it is important to approach conflicts in a relationships without making assumptions.
Also, it may be helpful to look into some sex education for adults, such as from the YouTube channel Sexplanations made by a sex doctor (yes, there are doctors like that), and she addresses a lot of common problems in sex. You can also look online for "sex education websites," if you feel like you were never really taught about how sex works beyond just "doing it", without any technique, preparation or gentle patience during it, especially if you were very sheltered early in life.
Also, it is important to keep the sex education idea of keeping consent in mind. It is important not to pressure him into sex too much just as it sounds "off" for a man to pressure a woman into sex too much when they say no. Maybe it could be other reasons. Lack of energy can suggest burnout, and if there is problems with depression or anxiety, then a personal therapist might be needed.
Thank you guys for your advice. I did speak to him and we came to some sort of understanding. He's the type of person that is always working hard and trying to be successful and it seems like when I'm laid back and not doing anything it turns him off. I work an 8 hr job, while he works from home and sometimes when I come home I would be on my phone instead of preparing dinner or lunch for the next day. He does helps out sometimes in the kitchen, but I guess as a wife I should be doing more in that department. Since then I've started to try to be more productive and I've seen a positive change in his behavior. Communicating with each other and trying to understand his pov has brought us closer and it's helping us to be more considerate and loving towards each other. Thank you once again
I am glad that it is working out.
"it seems like when I'm laid back and not doing anything it turns him off"
Is laid-back actually you relaxing after your working day replete with commute?
Shei, do YOU hand-on-heart think you're "too laid-back"? Or has anyone else ever said similar to you in your lifetime?
And was it a premarital talks agreement that you'd always match his own workload output? (He knows you're not a man, right?)
But wait a minute...haven't you just said you "guess" you should do most of the work in the kitchen (because you're the woman)? And don't you think working from home is a lot less tiring than commuting to and from an 8-hour day in the office where you can't just decide to drop everything and take a power nap?
That makes sense, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to cause unnecessary problems in my marriage, knowing I can avoid them. I don't think that is the only reason tho, it seems like he has a lower sex drive than mine. Although if I do initiate sex, he would be erect in no time, just that his mind would seem to be somewhere else. I'm trying to push it aside because otherwise than that our relationship is great, but sometimes it hurts to know he doesn't want me that much and I think I'm a pretty attractive woman, so I don't know what's the issue. However, the last time we had intercourse he mentioned that he wants me to wear a hijab during intercourse as that would turn him on. I declined as I thought of it as he's probably attracted to muslim women and that's not who I am. I was wondering if I should give in and do it just to please him and see where it leads.
(Thought so. And, understandably, considering it didn't strike me as fair, either...possibly even the opposite.)
1. You can't cause the problem because it's already caused (7/8 mths ago) and - you didn't create it. He did. (Just because they say nothing as they "start something", doesn't mean they didn't "start", just means they didn't say anything as they silently started (acted-out).) So you can't "cause", you can only react to what's actually there (all of it).
In other words, it's his "elephant in the room" and it's best to point to it before it gets a chance to wreck the entire room.
2. "Before we were married, we had a good sex life"
That doesn't sound like it seems like he has a lower sex drive, now, does it. Comparing the difference between back then and now - would yuo now say he falsely advertised his size of appetite? I mean, how steep a nose-dive was it? We talking once every night suddenly dropping, almost overnight or within the space of a week or so, to once every fortnight?...and then once per month?
3. "Although if I do initiate sex, he would be erect in no time, just that his mind would seem to be somewhere else"
Oh, great. How flattering.
Thibg is... If, since you wed, it was simply that he was feeling turned-off from you, mis-allegedly, not working hard enough...and if, as we've just witnessed, he had no trouble telling you the other day... Why, then, did he watch you doing what everyone would expect anyone who was put in that horrid position would do - writhe around in confusion and and, basically, emotional torture? (Being sexually and romantically rejected is bad enough, but - when you haven't even been married a year yet?!...)
He wasn't trying to wear yuo down, was he?
PS: You don't have to know what to do. I know.
Hang on a minute, sorry, just read the next bit!!!
WHAT THE SERIOUS "BEEP"?!? HE WHAT? WANTS YOU TO WEAR?
No, do NOT give in - that would be the very worst thing you could do. I suspect I already know where it would lead. To the NEXT demand up! And then the next and then the next. Sorry, but I think he's dodgy.
Shei, come on. You didn't sign up for any of THIS, did you? ...Work harder? ("Ya vull, mein Fuhrer!"), stop maintaining social connections on your phone? (Isolation-Attempt Move Alert!), wear a hijab (Testing Your Boundaries to see how far you can be coerced Alert!)... What's next?
I now think he was indeed trying to wear you down (feeling inadequate/not good enough at your core, and too much of the time, for two-thirds of a year(!), is both emotionally and physically draining...drip-drip-drip, chip-chip-chip...which ends up making it harder for you to resist such unreasonable (and downright Left-field!) attempts at persuasion (control). Sorry, Shei. You're going to have to learn self-assertion skills toute suite and stop Mr Man here from pushing any harder than he's already tried (IN record time since the ceremony).
Give me a couple of days and I'll gather some links and extracts for you about this type of behaviour and what it means.
Say nothng to him - not a dicky-bird. And delete your history each time. Let's keep this place confidential while we give him a more extensive frisking, yeh?
(Obviously post your reply in the meantime.)
PS: Was it a whirlwind romance?
Thanks for the advice soulmate. No, it wasn't a whirlwind romance. We were together for 6 years before we got married, but never had this problem before. Ofc I tried and I'm still trying to talk to him abt it and let him know how I feel, but I feel desperate each time, like I have to beg for that. I know it could be normal as the years go by for sex to decrease, so could it be that we've reached that stage and just need to change things up.. Sometimes I feel bad for making an issue out of this, but I think it's expected in a relationship that we give that kind of intimacy to each other.
Like you have to beg for your right to be heard, listened to, taken seriously, respected...yeah, I know how it goes. He thinks he's the only one that matters and the only one with any say or with final say every time.
There's nothing - not a thing - wrong with your mental and emotional programming when it comes to how to treat and behave with a new spouse - you're the one with ALL the right ideas. It is NOT normal to suddenly lose your appetite from 60 down to practically nothing (or is it zero now?), only eight piddly months in! AND not doing a thing about it nor reassuring your partner in the meantime...not to mention, and in a way that, certainly I can't see, could or would achieve ANYTHING but a psychological torture scenario for you (insecurity, nervousness, pandering, obsessing...ugh...).
Nah. You're normal. He's the dodgy one. Maybe he's only dodgy this close up...was better at arm's length?
Tell me what things surprised, shocked, unsettled, offended you, etc., during that 6 years, that at the time seemed reasonable to brush-off? Look through the mental albums and tell me what newly sticks out as a bit "iffy" or "off" or "unbefitting".