I’m losing my grandmother and I’m the only one who cares
I have an elderly grandmother with dementia, she is currently in the custody of my aunt. My grandmother had done quite well for herself and was supposed to live the rest of her life in comfort, but when her health declined there was a legal battle over her and my aunt won. My mother (who I’m estranged from) wanted to have legal rights for money, so did my aunt. Since my mother lost the legal battle she banned me from seeing my grandmother, she told me it was my fault because my grandmother knew my mother let her boyfriend molest me and ive only been able to see my grandma in my adult years. So I’ve had a really mess family life and my grandma and aunt are the only blood relatives I have contact with. I got disowned because I refused to live with my mother and her boyfriend and moved to another state where I was informally adopted by my best friends family.
So now that I’ve got most of the context out of the way, here’s my current situation. My aunt blew all of my grandmothers money and now she’s throwing her in a nursing home and selling her house. I’m heartbroken by this and i don’t know what to do. I tried telling my brother but he didn’t care and everyone’s just telling me to accept it and to move on because I’m young with my future ahead of me. But I can’t stand watching my grandmother go through this because she’s so scared and confused. Her one wish in life was to die in the house she earned and built, and my aunt has shamelessly taken that away. My grandma is my only family I still feel connected to, she was the only one who was ever on my side when I was being abused and I’m going to visit her soon. I just don’t know if there’s anything I can do to help now that I’m going to a college states away. I feel hopeless and I just need to know if I can really do anything to help her. I just wish I could do more and I don’t know if I’m just being dramatic. My adoptive family is telling me I just need to move on but it feels so wrong to. I know she’s lost her mind but she’s still my grandma and I don’t want to see her suffer more.
I can only provide some context because my mom and aunt tried to care for my Grammie when she had dementia.
Grammie had gone from her own home to an assisted living place when she became lost, time after time, trying to drive places. (The doctor who examined her for a physical was horrified when he found out she was still driving) She didn't want to leave her home, but she really shouldn't have been driving for years before that. After a couple years, the assisted living place informed the family that Grammie needed more help than they could provide.
Mom and Dad, and Auntie and her husband tried to care for her themselves. They alternated back and forth for a couple months at a time. People who say, "I'd never put---- in a home" have no idea what a task this is - it's 24 hours a day. Grammie was furious when a 'stranger wouldn't leave her room.' Well, that's an easy fix, take the mirror away. Then she started refusing to bathe - because she never did anything to get dirty. She'd get up in the middle of the night and be fixing food to "go for a picnic" at 2 in the morning - but she'd get lost going from the bedroom to the bathroom. And Grammie wasn't happy leaving her home for the assisted-living place, I'm not sure she even registered, much, going from her daughters' home to the nursing home. Sly Grammie slipped off the nursing home grounds, once, too.
I imagine the money from the sale of the house will be used to pay for the nursing home. It's not impossible to pass wealth from the elderly to their kids so the state has to pay for that, but it is very difficult. Does your aunt still work? If your aunt had any help to look after your grandmother she had to pay that help, too.
I'm sorry, this is a very sad situation for you to face.
Thank you for the help!
So my aunt moved in with my grandmother about 10 years ago. She has power of a attorney over my grandmother and once she gained that power she quit her job and has been using my grandmothers assets to pay for everything. She did get help for my grandma but she also used a huge sum of the money my grandma had to pay off my aunts gambling debt. My grandma was unaware of how her money was being spent because of her mental state. Now that my aunt has payed off her debts with my grandmothers money she’s trying to slowly dump her onto me. She’s using whatever’s left to pay for an apartment for herself and is trying to avoid working again. I hope this helps to clarify
I'm not sure whether this will help or not, but try looking up "free legal advice," online or if you prefer, "cheap legal advice," to gain some help from the advice of a professional here. I cannot give you professional advice because I am not one, but my personal advice would be if you are trying to convince others around you, to plan out your conversations with more depth on what to say. I can only say this as someone obsessed with the formal study of respectful debate (not just the usual plain arguing we see online), that perhaps they would think differently if you do your research on what to say.
Look up things like "Assertiveness training advice," online, "Nonviolent Communication or NVC," "conflict resolution advice," "conflict management advice," "How to have a difficult conversation," and "How to change someone's mind, psychology," and the last has to include psychology because otherwise, most people's idea of how to change someone's mind is to have a shouting match with them. I have no idea what your family is like, and perhaps they will not listen at all even if you communicate this way, but it's worth giving it a try at least. If possible, I suggest finding some allies, perhaps outside your family, to help you voice out your worries to your family.
I know it can sound like a lot of work, but chances are if you're working to persuade people who won't listen, chances are they won't listen to things said in the moment. If they don't seem to have empathy for your grandmother, then the truth is that they won't listen much to pleas for empathy alone.
I apologize if this is not sufficient to change things, but it's worth giving a try.