Dealing with a sexist friend
NEW GIRL - Aug 24 2022 at 08:07
Hey, guys. This is gonna be more of a rant than me seeking advice. Cause at this point there is nothing I could do about it.
I have a friend who I've known for 5 years. We met in high school, now on our separate ways in college, but would frequently text and video chat.
I will give some background information on him because it is pretty relevant. He is a very conservative young man who came from a pretty religious family. So he believes in gender roles, strong family units, evil in the porn industry, etc. Having Middle Eastern parents, he also has some cultural values ingrained in him. Living in the US, the expectations he has from women greatly differs from those of many American men.
Anyway, my friend is in no way a bad person. He is very caring and supportive of me. But lately I've been feeling very annoyed, and even disrespected, by him. Just like any other man, he has hormones and desires that he would struggle with. Especially since he's a virgin and is against premarital sex. So he would think nonstop about gender, sex, and what it would take for him to be eligible for marriage. Listening to famous men's podcasts is part of his journey to understanding how he can grow as a man and reach his goal.
I am glad that he is seeking a healthy path for fulfillment. And I try hard to be open minded. But when a goes around telling me what women really want, how we should live, and making slut shaming exclusive to females, all I feel is disrespect. Yes, we have free speech. But let's be honest, no one wants to listen to that shit. It was bad to the point that he would warn me, a virgin, that since I have dated a few guys in the past, I am making myself less desirable. He would emphasize that men with multiple partners are not the same as women with multiple partners (not to mention, he believes that even women with a body count of 1 would lack chances of commitment). He wonders why I get offended by such thing. He goes on about this bs that men have it harder because they actually have to earn a good relationship, but he literally doesn't emphasize a man's need for marriage like he does with women's.
He is a really important part of my life. But I can't help but find such mentality entitled and gross. At one point I got so miserable that I blocked him. But my dad, who knows and got along with my friend, advised me to unblock him before he notices, as he has no ill will and is caring by nature. So I regretted it and did.
Guys will never understand why double standards drive us nuts, why we become such snowflakes when it comes to them. But we have desires, too. Being constantly told that ONLY women who are being normal humans and having love lives don't deserve commitment is pure bs.
Well, you can tell him the two of you just can't discuss these things.
I work 40 hours a week for people whose political views are opposite my own. WE don't talk politics at work. Ever. Ever. Our pets, restaurants, weather, gear to deal with the weather, crazy customers, are all fair game. You don't even have to block him, or give him the cut direct, but just find other friends who don't constantly bait you. Because honestly, knowing how you feel [you've told him, right?] and continuing to rant along these lines IS intentional.
I had (?) a friend and his political views are also the opposite of mine. Every now and then, I check his Facebook page to see what's up and EVERY time, there's a meme ridiculing people as stupid who voted for the opposing candidate. I check it less and less often. I heard from a mutual acquaintance about a death in ____'s family, sent a card, which he seemed to appreciate. That's how limited our exchanges have become. We don't socialize like we may have 30 years ago in our youth, and I'm not going to pursue it. His bigotry (what else can you call it?) makes me sad, and I just - I don't know, think a little less of him for being so hate-filled.
I wouldn't block him either, because that's just drama waiting to happen. But you can be 'busy' more often. You can stop looking at his posts on whatever platform he's using. You're absolutely right that you can't change him. It may be time to consider the idea that your friendship, as you once knew it, won't last forever.
It's an old and cynical idea - but just throwing it out there: "The person who cares least about the relationship has the most power."
My current guy and I have never discussed body counts. I'm widowed, he's divorced, and we've had the typical experiences for people of our [Boomer] generation. Whether they're 'normal' or not would depend on one's religious/moral views, I guess.
It would be mean and unkind to say this: The idea that a woman will only be happy in a marital relationship if she has zero experience to compare it to indicates pretty severe insecurity on the part of men. It's still true, though.
My friend actually doesn't have any platform. He just messages his friends. He would be the one initiating conversations and video chats to discuss these things(as that's what dominates his horny little brain).
I did call him out on his sexism one time. He is apologetic that it bothers me, but he says he needs for me to know the "truth." He would also say that he has no bad intentions with women, but that acknowledging that there is a huge difference between men and women is what helps save marriage.
Also, what you said at the end is not mean. It's true. Guys like him are just sexually frustrated and insecure AF. If they get to shame us for our past, we get to say that as well.
I want to reiterate that *not all men* care about that.
This ONE guy does.
Don't fall into the same trap as your friend, and view all men as the same.
I'll bet this boy still lives with his parents? Some guys never actually cut the apron strings. Let me tell you about "Robert." Robert loves and respects his parents. He was born in the US, but his parents immigrated here from elsewhere. I worked for Robert's Dad. Lovely man. But Robert's dad and mom didn't like his girlfriend. Boss didn't confide a lot in me, but they just didn't think they were a good match.
One afternoon, Robert's mother and Robert were in the back room. Robert was *begging* his mother to give 'Delia' another chance. Begging her. She wasn't verbal, she just didn't say anything at all. Robert went on and on...with zero success. I don't know the exact details, but somehow his parents manipulated the situation to make it attractive for Robert to temporarily move back home...without the girl. Then they helped him find another apartment and a room mate - a woman they approved of. They got engaged. They eventually married. They're happy and have a baby, I think. The point is, Robert was never, never going to marry someone his parents didn't approve of. His family, the culture they come from, is that important to him.
You've got the right idea about your friend. You may eventually kind of 'outgrow' him. Doesn't mean you hate him or bear him ill will, just that over time certain relationships wither and die because we get older, and for most of us, we develop our own moral code. It may align with our parents, it may be wildly different, but it will be our own.
Your friend may never consider developing his own code. It doesn't mean every boy you meet is the same.
You're right, I could be falling into the same trap as my friend if I generalize. I know it's just him, not every guys. I should keep reminding myself that.
And oh my, that story of Robert was really sad to me. He does seem to relate to my friend.
Thanks for the insight. Hopefully as we grow we will both mature well enough.
You know what, New Girl? By all accounts, 'Robert' and his wife are happy. The life they've built suits them. There are people who estrange themselves from family, but most people don't *want* to do that. Robert's family wasn't toxic in any way: supported the kids through college, doing all the stuff good parents do. If he had loved Delia that much, he could have continued living with her and married her.
It was actually just Delia I felt sad for, not Robert lol.
But I'm glad things worked it. Though the parent kinda did sound toxic cause there wasn't a given reason why they treated Delia like that.
New Girl, Just because he didn't tell *me* much doesn't mean they didn't tell Robert. I hypothesize *not being in the family and all* there were suspicions she was looking to marry for security, and he just wanted to have fun. I gathered she had a dead-end job and was pretty and charming but impulsive. There are people you *date* and people you *marry.* No, that isn't sexist. Many people when they start dating, think only about having fun and the social aspects of a partner. Is the person attractive? Is there chemistry? Is he/she fun? Have enough money to get by?
When one marries one [hopefully] thinks further ahead. Is this person a hard worker? Can this person hold a job or is s/he constantly quitting or getting fired? Physical attraction is nice, but lets face it, after 40 or so, there has to be a little more there, yes? Fun times are good, but if bf/gf can't have fun without booze/drugs, maybe there's something wrong? If you want/don't want children, is this person on the same page?
One of my friends is really involved in her church. One exercise they do with teens is to ask them to write down what's important in a bf or gf. After they have that list, ask them to write down what are important characteristics in a spouse. There is a shift in thinking.
Well, that does make sense. There definitely is a huge gap between marriage and dating, which some don't recognize.