I'm contemplating getting a divorce, should I go through with it
I've been married to my wife for 4 yours now. Things have always been near perfect before we got married, we never fought about anything, it was never necessary.
After about 2 years we got married and things were still good. The problem started when we had our 1st child.
My wife has asthma and hypertension so it was a high-risk pregnancy, but things went relatively smoothly. We were blessed with a healthy boy just months before the pandemic lockdowns started. This is also when our problem started. Allow me to skip to how I feel now and then return to give some context that might shed some light.
Currently, I feel like I was nothing more than a sperm donor. My wife refuses to be intimate, she claims to get an infection every time we are intimate which might be true, but at least I have no reason not to believe her. But then she also refuses to go on date nights or even dates with me. Both our parents are eager to look after our son for the day, but still, she refuses. On numerous occasions I brought up that we need to look after "us", but she always counters that "us" is not important now, we are responsible for a new life now. I stressed many times that while she cares only about our son, we are drifting apart. She refuses to acknowledge that.
That is when we started to fight about all sorts of things. She complains that I do not do enough in the house. The thing is, whenever I do something, it's never enough and I need to do something else also. I currently do all of our laundry on weekends and cook Fridays and Sundays. It might not seem like much, so let me put it into context. She is an educator and works 7 hours a day on a long day, she gets home between 2 and 3 pm. I on the other hand work on average 11 hours per day and get home around 7 pm, starting work at 7h30am. When I get home I'm dead exhausted. Then on weekends, I need to "catch up" on my share of the housework. I should add that we have a lady come in twice a week to clean the house, so my wife only needs to cook 5 times a week, with no cleaning. Before we sent the baby to kindergarten, we had a nanny 5 times a week who also did the cleaning and dishes. Still, my wife insisted that I do the laundry (and dishes) on the weekends, to this day I'm not sure why she refused to let the nanny do it, it had to be me.
I was having the worst time at work at the time, the top management was replaced just before the lockdowns and the new MD is a narcissist that targeted me. Before he took over, I had zero disciplinary actions against me, after he took over I had at least 2 against me per year. For those who have not experienced corporate bullying, I hope you never do. It's another level of hell. And being in a country with 40% unemployment and specialized skills in a small industry, finding another job was difficult and took some time. Fortunately, I did find another job which I'm starting next week :). But I digress, going through this hell and literally working myself to death, my weekend was spent letting my wife rest, I never got any rest. As part of my efforts to alleviate my situation, I started a side business which is only now starting to bring an income, but it did mean I was doing 11 hours in the office and then another 3-4 at home after my wife and child went to bed. So for a long time, my day was: wake up at 5 am and get ready for work, work in the office until nearly 7 pm, return home to bath my child and help put him to bed, eat a cold meal, and continue to work on my side business from 8 pm or 9 pm, depending on when my wife went to bed until 11 pm or 12 pm. Rinse and repeat this Monday to Friday, but then comes the weekend, then I need to do my share of the housework.
I never felt any support from my wife, rather when I tried to talk about my situation at work I was met with annoyance. As soon as I started to speak, she would talk about how bad her job was. I could not put in the time I wanted into my business, I could only work when I was the only one left awake, or else all hell would break loose. I still cannot touch my PC when my son is awake. So that bothered me a bit, having an unsupportive wife, however, I thought that maybe I was bringing too much negativity home, so I stopped talking about it altogether, and dealt with it myself. Luckily I was not managed to climb out of the hole of despair at work, I went to see a phycologist and worked on myself. Things are better, I found my dream job, the CEO interviewed me personally and we got along well, I'm excited to start my new job. But this still leaves the reason for this post, my wife.
I'm going to rewind a bit to an incident in July that I cannot get over, please tell me if I'm wrong here. So we went to a nature reserve, we stayed in a house I was responsible for. There are strict rules about never leaving a fire unattended. So, I arranged for a large amount of wood to be delivered to make a fire in the boma every night and chat in the evenings. My wife and her friend came along for the weekend and her friend's boyfriend's daughter. So I lit the fire, we sit and relax by the fire, then my wife started our son's night routine while I sit and watch the fire, naturally, all the ladies went to help, so I sat there alone, which is fine, they will return when they are done. So my wife's friend emerged, did the dishes, and then proceeded to sit inside and spend time with her boyfriend's daughter.
Fair enough, she is not my friend and owes me no courtesy. However, then my wife emerged from the room after my son was asleep, made herself a cup of tea, and proceeded to go sit inside and chat with her friend. At that point I felt hurt, I peeked into to house and asked in a stern tone if they were planning on letting me know that we moved inside. I then proceeded to dowse the fire with water and went inside. I then stood in front of them and calmly said that I think what they did was incredibly rude. Immediately my wife went on the attack, followed by her friend. That led to a fight, probably the biggest my wife and I ever had until that point, and that was also the 1st time I contemplated leaving her. This is a big deal for me because on a previous camp with her mother and niece, they also one night disappeared into the bathroom and had some quality time together, everyone accept me. I waited outside in the cold alone for them to finish. I then told my wife that it bothers me when she does that, and that I do not like to be left out. Meaning she knew how I feel about being left out, and still, she does it. Until today, she is unwilling to even acknowledge that I have a reason to feel hurt. I even apologized for how I spoke out against it (not that I spoke out, how I did it), but my wife refuses to acknowledge my feelings, no, I need to get over my issues in her words, then she said I should go see a psychologist. Which I did, and I'm glad I did.
I feel as though she has no respect for me, that I was nothing more than a sperm bank. I cannot stand to come home in the evenings, we sometimes fight, and then she is cold. I don't turn a cold shoulder, it;s not in my nature but she does, and it hurts. Every time we fight, I argue for a solution, she argues to win, and when thongs don't go her way she starts with personal attacks. She knows just what to say to hurt me. Last night she told me to go jerk off to get rid of my frustration, in reference to her refusal to be intimate with me at all.
I'm the one asking how her day was, she never asked me. I kiss her on her head, she refuses to kiss me on the lips, claiming she doesn't want to catch a cold or the flu now. When I ask her how her day was, I get one or two-word answers. I tell her how my day was anyway, but I keep it short, I want to keep at least some conversation going.
I suggested to her that we go see a couples therapist, but she flat-out refused. She said that she had so much evidence against me that if w ever went to see a therapist... I stopped listening at that point. Then why is she afraid to go?
As promised, let me go back to the start to grant some context for her benefit. She gave birth early in 2020, then the lockdown started. That cut her off from her support network. At the same time, I was going through a very difficult time at work so I was preoccupied and maybe not as hands-on with the baby as I could have been. Another thing is, I do not wake up during the night, I'm an incredibly deep sleeper, I actually got a reference from a doctor to do a sleep study but I digress, I did not wake up when the baby cried. But I do not see the problem with that, my wife breastfed. She probably wanted me to stay awake with her in solidarity, but my I really don't see the point, I was desperately trying to save my job at that point.
Because she had comorbidities and worked for the state, she was not allowed to return to work for some time, so she was stuck at home with our son for about 18 months. During that time, even after it was allowed, she did not allow anyone to take our son, she would not let people help. She was angry and burned out, but refused help. I was still trying to get her to go on a date with me to get some rest, but she refused. Several more attempts were rejected.
Back to the present, it was around July this year when I 1st started to tell her that I'm not really happy about the status, I told her that being intimate 5 times in 2 years, and 0 times this year was not okay for me. Then she got mean about it. And her meanness has progressively gotten worse. At 1st she would argue that all I talk about is sex, I told her bullshit, and this was the 1st time I brought it up. She tried to gaslight me about that a few more times until she realized I would not fall for that, then she changes tactics, telling me how I always hold her in her sexual parts when we cuddle and always wanted that to lead to sex. I shut that argument down by asking her when last we cuddled.
I told her, it's not as much the lack of sex that bothers me as it's the constant rejection. I told her that I stopped trying altogether because I could not take the rejections anymore, then she said something mean. Immediately after that, she said that she did not want to go on dates with me. So, I told her rejection hurt me, then she responds by rejecting me even though I did not ask her for anything. How do I interpret that other than her trying to intentionally hurt me?
She is inconsistent. In one argument she says that I'm always trying to get sex, and in the next, she tells me that when we still had sex she was always the one to initiate. This is in arguments 2 weeks apart? That is one serious contradiction.
There are many more issues, but I think I've said enough to get my point across.
I don't want my son to grow up in a broken home, but I also don't want his example of male/female relationships to be one of a broken man and an emotionally abusive woman. I drew up a budget, divorcing now would decimate me financially, and I will not be able to afford rent. This is if I calculated my child support correctly. I love this woman, but if she is not going to respect me then I'm going to leave. I am not going to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Then again, should I stay to protect my son from her abuse? She has not shown signs of being abusive towards him, but she was abused by her father so she might not even realize when she is abusive.
Sorry for this long post, if any divorced fathers have anything to say, please I'm all ears. If any women have anything to say, some detail I might have missed, I'm all ears.
Divorce will be my last resort, I'm doing everything I can. The last ditch effort that I have left is to convince her to join me for couples counseling. I've already obtained references for 2 counselors which is apparently very good. However, if she refuses, then there is nothing left for me to do. She asked me to do more around the house, I do more around the house. She asked me to make her more coffee, I make her more coffee, she asked me to go see a phycologist, and I go see a psychologist. There is nothing more that I can do, nothing is ever enough. This cannot be one-sided, but will she come to the party and do her part, or is that too much to ask of her?
Did I ever mean anything to her, or was I always just a perm bank?
As a side question to the still married men, did getting married also feel like getting a second job? I've never worked as hard as I did since getting married.
Take 4 blank pieces of paper. At the top of each write…
Without thinking of your relationship but since the advice you would give your son in 15 years will be the best advice you can give…. Answer the questions taking time to gather your answers.
Focus your own mind on truth.
From there you might know what to do whether it is to share your answers or just to be a reflection of your own definitions or to see if there are more problems here that can’t be overcome.
You both deserve freedom and peace. Relationships are supposed to be healing for one another.
I can get pretty moody from negative energy. I NEED to steam regularly. Daily. Try installing a steam shower. See if it frees her of her negative slump. It’s medicine. For both of you. Labour is painful. Our experiences take over our lives. Look up EMOTIONAL SPIRAL on google. Also look up the Cherokee wolf story. We all have to be teachers to our own minds guiding ourselves with self awareness to freedom.
I hope this helps.
There are a lot of things in life that hurt
Love shouldn’t be one of them
Thank you for the reply.
I recently spoke with a cowordker on the matter, he has been married for 15 year and have 5 children.
He told me that after each child there was a challenge, and he had to trust that it was temporary. That I need to be the man she depends on so that me wife will depend on me rather than her mother. I was on the verge of ending it before hearing that, then I started anew with me efforts.
The lack of intemacy is really starting to get to me. The problem is, she is getting what she wants; no sex, my income and my help around the house. So why would she even try to change or seek out help.
The other side is, the more I read up about this situation, which is not that uncommon it seems, the more I get the same answer from both women and men that have been through this. They all say, do bloodwork and test het hormones. In one case the woman refused as my wife is, but when she finally did they found the casue was ovarian cancer and they woman died soon after. She could have been saved had she gone for the tests sooner.
My wife is really putting in the effort to keep the "vibe" of our relationship positive. She's trying to allow more touch even though I can see she does not really feel it. but..
How can I convinse her to go for the proper bloodwork. She's at least going to to the thyroid exam, her health insurance demands it from her to keep her for certain reasons. The other morning I casually mentioned that she should consider lack of labido as a symptom and not overlook it and maybe she should see a gynecologist (I said this in response to het period started up ater she finished the previous day). Her answer was that her hormone fluctuations was due to stress.
She does not want to see a therapist, she does not want to go to a gynecologist, she will not listen to anyone. How do I convince this women that I love to get the proper help that she needs? Or at least go for the checkups?
I'm dreading the day where I need to sit her down and have the difficult talk. Where I tell her that I've ignored my needs for as long as I'm going to. Becasue her personality will have onl;y one reaction to any form of ultimatum, and that is not not comply out of pricipal. That conversation will likely end the marraige, but I'm dying inside.