Breaking up with fiance over thoughts changing of having kids
My fiance and i broke up... Here comes the problem:
We are have been engaged for a year and before that dated too and even before dating we are have been friends for 3 years. He always wanted to have kids and to build a family, so we are talked about having kids together, building our own little family. He is even bought baby shoes too. We are went abroad for a two week long work trip. Something might have happened there, because after we are came back from there, a couple days passed and he said he doesn't want kids anymore, while in the same time he is melting over kids wherever and whenever he sees one or is with one... I do want to have kids, at least one if not more! I always seen myself as a mom with a baby at least if not more kids... But his sudden change of mind made us break up, saying "we are want different things". We are working together in a team to this day too after 3 month of the break up. Still both of us would want to be with each other, but he says he it would be selfish if he would ask me to be with him because i want kids and he doesn't... In our work team (all the team members are our friends too) two other guys are asked me out for a date...
The only what made my fiance and me break up was this reason, we didn't had problems, our feelings didn't fade away... Both of us know we are would be still together now too if not this having kids issue... So my question is... What should i do? Should we continue the relationship? Or not because he won't change his mind anyway? Any kind of advice or story if you went through similar can help, because for now i am just confused.
Thank you so much for everyone's time reading this and in case of commenting, giving advice! :)
Years ago, I talked to a young woman visiting her parent at work. She had come home for a visit after breaking up with her boyfriend of two years. He told her a couple weeks before he didn't want children. She was a little irritated - not because he didn't want kids, but because he had come to this realization a year before, and just didn't way anything, hoping she'd change her mind. She didn't. She was irritated at having wasted a second year dating him.
She went out, started dating again, and married someone who wanted children.
This is too big an issue to give up on, and there isn't any compromise. You can't have half a child. It's easy to adore children if you don't have to take care of them, and that's what he's feeling. This is who he is, today. He may, like my colleague's daughter, have felt this way for some time, (though smart / discreet enough *not* to add "...and I've felt this way for a year.")
BTW - you mentioned being "a mom with a baby" - you do realize that 11 or 12 years after you give birth you'll be dealing with a hormonal 'tween and teen for another six - eight - ten years, right? Someone who'll assume you know **nothing** about anything.
I like dogs -- other people's dogs. I'm not willing to make the lifestyle changes to have one myself, but I adore other people's pooches and pat them whenever I can. Then I walk away, happy I don't have to plan my social life around walking one, budget for all those shots, heartworm meds, grooming expenses, classes to train them, picking up dog feces. Big difference between wanting something, and willingly making the sacrifices to have that thing.
He questioned if you are the mother for his children and decided no.
That hurts to hear. But wait..
We all change after kids but he didn’t realize that. Men think linearly they can lack perspective and take the wrong roads.
Maybe you can start a binder that includes your parenting plan your vision of your life in the future. Let him see and believe in a plan a guideline a path. Let him see your focus and belief system. If he shares beliefs he might want to be your teammate on this journey.
Worst case scenario he decides to make his own binder and plan a beautiful life for himself and you can be happy for one another.
We often don’t shine until we’re called to duty. He just might not be able to see the mother in you. But those of us that are youthful for as long as they can, living that life to its fullest, will be parents to the fullest. It’s a big change. A wonderful change if we embrace the role.
Just an opinion based on very little information
He might just be scared of the responsibility the risks the dangers…the fears… In which case designing a plan YOUR OWN MANUAL will help focus.
I hope that is helpful