I need advice. Should I take my sister to court to get custody of my n
So my sister L (27) had a son J when she was 20. At the time, L was homeless, couch and man surfing, with abusive, ex criminals. When she found out she was pregnant, I was only 16, and she asked my parents M71 and A69 to take J until she was able to be a mother. At the time, it truly was the best case scenario, and I helped my parents raise him until I moved out myself. (J is living in the exact same conditions my sisters and I lived in when we were kids with my parents M and A, but worse as M thinks J is too ‘much’ for teachers to handle and isn’t actually in school) L and my parents have never had a great relationship. L has been the rebellious, destructive child, and has always been self centered since day one. She bullied me and our other sister B to the point that she eventually got kicked out at the age of 18. J has lived my my parents M and A since he was born, and L visits every other weekend. It’s important to say that L has refused to give over custody of J to my parents, and insists that she will one day ride off into the sunset with J and be a happy family. So About 6 months ago, M and A had the “Hey, so your “adopted”, and L is your ‘tummy mummy’” conversation, and overall, J seemed ok at the time. However since then whenever L and my parents get into a fight (which is almost every time she visits) J has asked why L leaves, and if she is leaving because of him, and what did he do wrong? And it breaks my heart every time. L planned to take J at some point but it quickly because clear that she truly wasn’t mom material, as she squanders all of her money on drinking, has 2 cats that her roommate takes care of as she doesn’t, never cleans her own home. Last year she ended up in court because she didn’t pay her rent for 4 months and took advantage of the covid rent relief even tho she works full time 40 hours week making $18 an hour in a state that pays $9 for minimum wage. She’s been fired from her last 2 jobs because she just stopped showing up and is currently unemployed, failed college, and 6 months ago started dating B’s physically abusive ex bf just before my wedding, which got her bumped from being brides maid and then uninvited after she told me she didn’t care if B died.
So on to the problem. L called me 2 days ago and informed me she was pregnant. She claimed that she knows that Jeff (her college class instructor) is the father tho she was sleeping with 2 different guys during that time. I told her that she isn’t ready to be a mother and keeping the child is truly a bad decision. Today she called to tell me her and Jeff are going to keep the baby and coparent, and while she works, the baby will be at my parents with J, until she can pick the baby up and go home. To be honest I couldn’t care less about the new baby, but I’m mostly concerned for J, because if this happens, J has to watch L drop off a kid, and leave with the kid, leaving him behind. I have to watch my childhood happen to J and I can’t be there help him (Me and my husband and daughter live in another state) All of this, I’m struggling to sit back and watch. I’m supposed to fly out next week to visit, and I want to talk to my dad about either them getting custody of J and let me sign as power of attorney, or letting me and my husband adopt J and give him the life he deserves without feeling like he is inadequate like my parents real him, and is unwanted by his own mother. So, would I be the asshole? Am I over stepping my bounds? Do I have a savior complex? I need advice.
Not an asshole. If I had money to bet, L will get tired of the drop-off, pick up routine, and eventually leave the baby behind for good. I'm confused as to why, if she would find it convenient to drop off / pick up an infant, she only visits her son once every two weeks. You know nothing about Prof bf; she *says* these things, but who knows if he's aware about a baby, let alone if he will step up and parent.
I would document/document/document what you've explained here, and ask a lawyer or maybe a social worker the best tactic to take regarding your intention to raise your nephew.
Your parents are frankly too old to be raising a small child, *and* providing day care for an infant. In addition to that, your seven-year-old nephew needs to be in school. I realize COVID has thrown a major wrench into the works, but your mother's assessment that teachers won't be able to handle him is troubling. The longer he is denied the opportunity to go to school, the harder it will be for him to begin the process of learning to socialize with his peers. (Adam Lanza's mom kept him out of school, in spite of doctors / mental health workers insisting it would be beneficial to go. We know how that story ended.)
I would be tempted to just take the kid (because I'm not the most subtle person) but that would be all kinds of wrong. I wonder if there's some motivation for your sister to give up custody. It sounds terrible to type out, "How could you manipulate her to give up custody?" but that may be the best option. Is she paying child support? Good grief, is she getting the child care tax credit with YOUR PARENTS raising him and providing 100% of his support? Is money a motivator for her? I met a woman who got the father of her child out of the picture by telling him if he signed away his parental rights, he wouldn't have to pay child support. If you offered her say, $10,000 (it needs to be substantial) would she sign away her rights?
My heart breaks for the little boy. We've had a similar situation in my area: a woman went on a camping trip with her toddler and ex-boyfriend-baby-daddy and disappeared for three months. She notified police a couple weeks ago that she, babe and former-ex-boyfriend are fine and do not want to be bothered or found. She left behind a ten-year-old child from another relationship, who I guess will now be raised by her parents.