So, I've been confused about my sexuality for few years now. Ever since i lost my Virginity (to a male) I've been feeling like it's not what I want yet i daydream alot (maladaptive daydreaming) about mostly males until i see a female i feel attracted to, i feel like my hearts beating or butterfly feeling. I feel like i want to be liked/loved/attention by a male yet i feel like i feel that way towards females (like i want to like/love a female). also with porn, straight sex doesn't get me only lesbian porn or if the female is being pleasured or looks like she's aroused i only focus on the female, and i hate female on female porn that involves sex toys being shoved. Sometimes i get threatened during conversations that involves men yet i daydream about having kids with a man being affectionate towards me. I don't know if I'm Bi (but I've never been with a female before) thanks for reading this
You don't sound confused to me. Not deeper inside yourself anyway. Look, I'll show you:
"So, I've been confused about my sexuality for few years now. Ever since i lost my Virginity (to a male) I've been feeling like it's not what I want yet i daydream alot (maladaptive daydreaming) about mostly males until i see a female i feel attracted to, i feel like my hearts beating or butterfly feeling. I feel like i want to be liked/loved/attention by a male yet i feel like i feel that way towards females (like i want to like/love a female). also with porn, straight sex doesn't get me only lesbian porn or if the female is being pleasured or looks like she's aroused i only focus on the female, and i hate female on female porn that involves sex toys being shoved. Sometimes i get threatened during conversations that involves men yet i daydream about having kids with a man being affectionate towards me. I don't know if I'm Bi (but I've never been with a female before) thanks for reading this"
Male: "want to be liked/loved/attention by a male"
Loved (but more attention) BY.
Female: (like i want to like/love a female)
From a man. But towards a female.
The rest is this:
Your first sexual experience imprints you deeply and creates associations.
On the other hand, you may not be ready for either (despite you tried having sex anyway), but feeling wrong or behind schedule, maybe? Your confusion would allow you to have twice the choice thus TWICE the dithering.
Heh heh heh. Clever.
You don't need a delay tactic though. Why don't you forget about it altogether and just let whichever gender PICK YOU?
It's love you're after, first and foremost, though. And sex that means something because it's an expression of Love, not just libido and hormones. But it sounds as if something's happened to you to make your mind see it that if you want great sex - men..but it means however much tackiness thrown in? If you want behavioural tenderness, including in bed - or despite they're in bed having sex - women. (I suspect 'despite'.)
You lack female tenderness in your life, then. Or it could equally be, that you feel being found attractive and sexy by a man somehow holds more validity than from a female and would pose as the warming-up before trying a woman?
Did anything of that go Ping! in your head?
You've only bed the one man, though. His attitude going in, and style, is down him as an individual, he's not ALL MEN. You haven't sampled Sex With A Man as in any men. Really, you would have to wait until a second encounter with a man to be able to form any opinion.
I'll tell you what, though - and this is not a criticismm or anything, just an observation. I read your post and heard a young man talking. (I thought, about 22, 23.) That's interesting, isn't it?
The porn-watching could be a big contributor, however, so -
QUESTION: did it precede your first sexual encounter up there or, afterwards?
As far as porn goes well i watched porn since around 11 ish of age, i never thought of genders thing, sometimes i believe being straight is forced upon anyway, you have lots of great points but I've had sex with more than one person, both genders , i find myself more sexually attracted to females where as i don't enjoy penetrated sex. i enjoy pleasing females (sexually). It's just that I've never been in a relationship with women. maybe i shouldn't look into it so much.
Since as young as 11? Oh, crikey. You need to look into that, because at that age you're still highly influenceable and imprintable so it might be an aspect that's in play?
(Hey - where was your mum or dad, why weren't they supervising your web activity?)
Being straight or not, is something you grow into (think flower bud into bloom). You don't observe yourself like an experimenter-monitor and DECIDE, and defnitely not at your age. This is your inner animal's department and if Conscious You tries to be in-control, it'll only end up kicking your arse back into place, trust me on that. There are certain animal urges we have to control so that we beans can cooperate in order to progress as a specie, but there are still loads we shouldn't (but try to). It can even mutineer you - where you literally 'keep finding yourself' (i.e. coming in and out of awareness here and there duringtime) doing a process of action towards an aim that Conscious You wouldn't ordinarily have the bravery and spontenaeity to do - and all you know is you seem powerless to resist keeping-on doing this/that, surprisingly intelligently and in-order, and feeling like you're in almost a sleepwalking state. Conscious Us usually tries to take credit for the amazing strategy and result, of course, but - nope...that's getting mutineered, that is.
Loads of men and women experiment during your age/stage. Most come out straight but - hey - doing those safety-checks before diving-in to whatever more-distinct 'compartment' is just a very intelligent thing to do (think about it). Pity those that don't because they can end up trapped in the wrong relationship.
Not enjoying penetrative sex isn't a reason to be drawn towards females, though. And although that may not be your entire motivator, it would certainly be a weighty enough factor to tip those scales. IOW, what if you DID enjoy penetrative sex? Maybe you should check out some of the now-mainstream, tasteful web companies, check out the vibrators? Practise makes perfect, after all. Point is, see how you feel once you eliminate that strong influencer, see whether it changes anything?
All these things come under Experimenting - which is the stage you're in so go for it, get to know that side of yourself better!
Maybe you could be (becoming) Bi? Who knows what specific cog-type you're meant to be in this great machine?
It's not the looking into, however, it's the attitude - in your case, not pressuring yourself to form one yet. No need to feel wrong or guilty for remaining open-minded and open to offers, it really is perfectly natural when you're a spring chicken. And it's only sensible, really. Last thing you need is to climb into some invisible closet without even knowing it. These days, you don't necessarily need to be in a relationship with a man to have kids later on, nor even a woman, so there's not actually any pressure, is there. You get to have the best of both worlds, while doubling your chances of pairbonding success, for longer or maybe forever?
There again, maybe what you need is far simpler: a more masculine type of woman - a Tomboy - so that you get the more female-friendly aspects of a man but she's still moreover a woman? Now that really would be the best of both worlds, wouldn't it. But as I say, start getting used to penetration where you're in control the entire time, first, and see if it starts to alter your thinking?
I think having the best of both worlds is a plus, actually. Crikey, back when I was shoving my arm into the Lucky Dip barrel, I wouldn't have minded twice the contents?!
PeoplesSmugnesses dot org, LOL LOL LOL.
It's all good. :-)
PS: If I had to put money on it, I'd say it's too predictable that viewing porn when that "before-age" is in play here. It would have flicked your START SEXUAL MATURITY programme switch, meaning, BECAUSE you started very early, your programme has reached ENOUGH YEARS ALREADY, SETTLE DOWN switch, meaning PRESSURE-PRESSURE sensations in your psyche.
Does that make sense?
If it is, a sneaky way to shut it up is to think about if there are any other programmes that have yet to start? If it were big enough, it would take priority (because practical survival always gets put ahead of feeling feelings as well luxuries like romance/copulating).
What else Young Adult is there in your in-tray in terms of life skills you still need to start to do or learn?
PS: a (nice, not cheap) vibrator would certainly shut your inner animal's (unwittingly) premature nagging up. Animals can't tell the difference - like, they'll send you walking through a glass door if Conscious You's in shock thus absent at the time and its thereby in control...."Glass, what's glass - the door was open so of course I walked us through it!"). So it'll think you're having THE BEST penetrative sex - with a man.
Should add: If, despite in total sensation-and-degree-of control, you still don't enjoy penetrative - and assuming there's nothing in your past that put you OFF - there's your answer.
Again - making sense?
PS: Yes. There is a very fine line between genders, always has been. But (re all the adolescent, premature sex-changing, lately), still-young people need to respect when they're a development still in progress, not some complete, key-ready structure despite it's only been a couple of years being sexually aware or active. One's own particular brand of sexuality will inform YOU - WHEN IT'S READY TO and not a minute beforehand.) (- for benefit of any so-called "confused" or "decided" younger readers).