Lonely and starved for attention... is it even worth it anymore?
I have been in a relationship for 15 years, not married and had a child together pretty early. This is not a relationship I would had normally went for, I was on drugs pretty bad back then and making a lot of bad decisions. Never the less I always loved him, Even with addictions he did well taking care of us, he is a hard working man. Over the years I have gone to treatment and completely changed my life. It wasn't until something tragic happened in my life that I realized I am not really happy in this relationship. So I decided to take our kid and stay with family. It was a gradual thing, I was still coming home at night for a while. It has been this way for over a year now. We haven't officially broken up and we still talk regularly. All he ever wants to do is fight, and I understand why, but he has never told me how he feels about what I did. That is part of my problem with him. I have to make all the decisions for our family, any input from him is forced and turns into an argument. I was the only one that was cooking or cleaning and keeping after our child, and I worked too. Another big part of why I have reached my limits is that he never touches me. No hugs, kisses and no sex for over 10 years. TEN years is a long time. He has issues with impotence, and I am ok with it, it really is the effort that counts for me. But he won't talk about it or even go to a doctor for it. The other sexual things we would do ALWAYS had to be initiated by him and it was always in the same manner, which became old. Any time I would initiate I would get pushed away or get my feelings hurt. After a while it becomes embarrassing to try. I was once caught by myself and I made him furious, and I was made to feel humiliated for that too. He also blames me for it, saying I never want to do anything. Who would want to? I used to cry myself to sleep every night over this, and he knew it and said nothing. I know he loves me in his own way, I have no doubts and I love him too but I do not want to live like that anymore. After ten years I know it won't change, and he has to feel the same way I do since he hasn't said anything about us leaving. I am not ready to move on to another man, I still don't really know what I am doing yet. How the hell do people move on from stuff like this? I see it all the time but I honestly don't know what to do next. I am desperate at times just to be touched. I just don't want all the stuff that comes with having a partner right now. Thinking about that though makes me feel so guilty, mostly for our kid. Any advice would be great. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, I am so desperate I am spreading my business on the internet. I need some guidance!
Apologies for the delay - people are all a bit over-busy at the mo, evidently - including myself.
Please bear with me and/or any others - a response will come asap.
And the honest answer is, maybe doesn't seem that life is worth it (the shite and pain) JUST RIGHT NOW but that's just a normal, temporary reaction which you must never act on. So - YES. Especially with that beeping beep-beep monkey off your back. By which I mean HIM. The other was you self-medicating BECAUSE OF HIS EFFECT ON YOU.
PS: Been there, done that - WILL be back asap - I DO know what you do next, etc.
Plus, knowing me, you'll probably be here for quite a while (haha - see Lily's thread, Parents Splitting Up).
Nay worries lass.
And have a hug: ((((((((BEAR-HUG))))))))) Looks like just typing but actually has the same effect - keep staring at it. :-)
Hah! I've just jinxed myself, but in a useful way! Tomorrow's morning appointment is cancelled so I can make like a vampire...
Righto, then - let's take a look...
Hi, by the way, LOL... Will call you STRV if that's okay (I don't speak Russian LOL...or is that Clingon?).
I'm going to read your opener twice: once, statement-by-statement (for my pure gut-reactions and word-chooice giveaways) and only then as a whole story (other way round and I could become biased by 'then', lack of full shock, amongst other things):
***"I have been in a relationship for 15 years, not married and had a child together pretty early."
Correction - you WERE married - hence acted like it, including a medium-long-term tenure and producing a kiddie - but without having made it official, or more to the point - legal.
1. First question: Why not?
2. And why not once your kiddie was born?
3. Are you UK based?
***"This is not a relationship I would had normally went for,"
Oh, was it not, indeed. Gosh, that sounds horribly, HIGHLY-characteristically familiar in that "special way" I so hate yet am compelled to put right. I'll reserve judgement, keep reading, however. But let's inject some fun and play Hangman...
First letter: N _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
4. In what WAYS wasn't it?
5. "I was on drugs pretty bad back then and making a lot of bad decisions."
IN a vulnerable - or seemingly vulnerable - or only temporarily vulnerable state ....but definitely in a vulnerable position/situation. Got it.
Second letter: A
N A _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(Yeah, we know where this is going, don't we, everyone. In which case you have minimised and in fact mean SCREAMING loneliness...but let's keep going and seeing...).
By the way, I'd like you to take this painkiller NOW: it is not loneliness. I know it feels like it but it's not. If you WERE surrounded by friends, it might distract you duringtime, but this sensation would just hit you - and possibly as if afresh, i.e. socialising can make you feel WORSE when you get home.
Plus I'm here now and I never stop talking so - and you can type in your thread all day long if you like so - problemo over. I know we don't have bodies and neither do you but the improtant bit still benefits all the same.
4. "Never the less I always loved him,"
That's a bit of a jump/gap from when you met? Missing handful of jigsaw pieces, noted.
Giving the day/week, month and year for each -
Tell me about when you met...about the Honeymoon Period....when (and after how many dates) he declared his undying love (and who did so first), and when it was you moved in together. And how that went.
5. "Even with addictions he did well taking care of us,"
So he had an addiction too? Interesting. Two injured people in wheelchairs meet. (This is following one of the well-worn scripts of - I won't say just yet....)
Point is - he did. That's an R but could turn out to need removing - let's still see...
N A R _ _ _ _ _ _ _
6. "he is a hard working man. Over the years I have gone to treatment and completely changed my life"
Then so are you. Just not the man bit (LOL) (sorry).
I note you don't say HE went to treatment, though? Would be only natural following saying YOU had? Unless I read that wrong and it was that you had more than one addiction? (I'll see if clarification comes later.) So, regardless of that question-mark: you're psychologically and emotionally hard-working but he's - what - hard-working in his job/career?
7. "It wasn't until something tragic happened in my life that I realized I am not really happy in this relationship. So I decided to take our kid and stay with family. It was a gradual thing, I was still coming home at night for a while."
WHAT tragic thing? And PS - unless you were to say you turned green, span on your axis, now walk upside-down, your name is Shirley and you live at, etc. - then there will be millions in your uncannily similar position so - feel free to spill everything, you have total anonymity. If you DO say anything literally unique to you thus self-identifying, I'll delete the post but copy it back in with the vulnerable data removed. What I CAN'T, unfortunately, offer you is an ice-cream. (Richard (he's the founder-owner) - come OOON, hurry up with the virtual ice-cream van programme! How hard can it be? ("Go To LOL"))
Anyway, I'm going to guess that it was something that actually DEMANDED emotional support from your hus-NO-band (geddit?) but it wasn't forthcoming and that fact wasn't normal or natural. Still not ascertained enough for the next letter so on we go....
8. "It has been this way for over a year now. We haven't officially broken up and we still talk regularly."
Then I have to ask - WHAT has been for over a year now? Certainly not a proper separation if you're still both talking regularly.
Who's idea was that and why?
"All he ever wants to do is fight,"
Ah. Strike last question - HERE'S why. Because for him, you're someone to fight WITH. PS: Normal-healthy men tend to avoid fights.
But - let's check: Was it his idea for you and he to keep talking (and fighting)? Or was it yours but he takes advantage of it by constantly striking up fights?
9. " and I understand why,"
I don't (I just suspect) - and I need to know - so tell me?
Can I guess? Did you cheat on him? ORR are you just too used to "what you did" being reacted to as some humungous betrayal when, actually, all you're referring to is the fact you left, or left and with your child?, because of what HE had done/failed to do?
All he EVER wants to do (is fight).
So he's got the energy to constantly pick fights BUT NOT for trying to re-achieve the harmony with which to persuade you back (NOTED).
Leaving your hus-bandless is the same as saying "I do NOT take this man" but - vastly late (think about it). Because you hadn't had the new, negative data, at the alter (your case - move-in day, followed by a 2nd wedding ceremony when kiddo arrived). Paper....smchmaper. It's how you BEHAVE and the choices you make that prove whether one is married for-life.
10. "but he has never told me how he feels about what I did."
WHICH (if not just your leaving the former marital home (FMH)) - was what?
10. " That is part of my problem with him.
I have to make all the decisions for our family"
You da maaan! This in context of what's gone before - noted.
N A R C _ _ _ _ _ _
Don't get cocky, now - it could read Narcolepsy for all you know. ;-)
11. ", any input from him is forced"
Nag-nag-nag-nag-naaag-...BACK, ACTUALLY! Refusing to do one's partnerly-husbandly duty is the original Nagging. The undersupported spouse simply is FORCED to point again and again at the elephant in the room (before - and because or else - it'll trample the room).
N A R C I _ _ _ _ _
12. " and turns into an argument."
N A R C I S _ _ _ _
12. "I was the only one that was cooking or cleaning and keeping after our child, and I worked too.
Another big part of why I have reached my limits is that he never touches me. No hugs, kisses and no sex for over 10 years."
BINGO - NARCISSIST. NO DOUBT. ALL THE BOXES - IN ORDER - USUAL SIZE & WEIGHT.
Only a narc could do that- sorry ALL of that - and even ONE of those giant attitudinal giveaways would be bad enough, as in, ONLY A DYSFUNCTIONAL BARSTOOL COULD BE THAT COLD-HEARTED AND INCOMPREHENSIBLY SELFISH - sorry, my fuse got lit there...it's because there's no ice-cream.
"TEN years is a long time."
YES. IT IS. And it means you have the strength AND patience AND goodness of a saint! But your inner warrior has overslept (she's been kept drugged - by him) and just needs to avoid the next injection (- we'll do that bit) and wake up.
Try this (repeat out-loud): Who the beep does he think he is!!! More to the point - who the beeping beep does he think **I* am!? HOW DARE HE!!! You didn't sign up for THAT?! What a merchant banker-I mean BEEP-BEEP BEEP-BEEP.
Cruel. Cruel-cruel-cruel....beeping sadistic!
I've gotta change my letters now and add a whole new word!
N A R C I S S I S T I C S _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
(I don't believe this - there's obviously an been an explosion of this type since start of Covid!)
"He has issues with impotence,"
No he bloody doesn't. NO HE BLOODY DOESNT. Sorry. This is SUCH an old chestnut "reason/excuse" - I.E. COVER STORY, you wouldn't believe it!
For starters - no mentally healthy man puts up with THAT for so long and doesn't visit a doctor.
So now I know you're window-dressing - because HE is clearly getting it elsewhere!....OLD CHESTNUT. VERY. It goes in the same drawer as this old classic:
Married narcissist to mistress-fodder: "...My wife doesn't understand me"
Savvy NOT mistress-fodder actually: "No, Mr Adulterer...I think you'll find your problem is your wife understands you ALL TOO WELL!"
Sorry. Wish I knew less and had seen/heard less. :-( There again - better out where we can see it, than in where you can't.
" and I am ok with it, it really is the effort that counts for me."
Ok, so despite his trying to keep you negatively attached BY THE EGO INSTEAD OF THE HEART, NOTE (now you've found out you shouldn't be) via INAPPROPRIATE, CONSTANT, ARGUMENTS during what should be wooing you back phase - you HAVE managed to be grieving/detaching and are at Plea Bargaining stage-into-Acceptance and on the cusp of (temporary) Depression. Just not yet 100% sure of where you are and why you are thus clueless as to whether and in which direction to move your feet. IN THE DARK, DEPRIVED OF YOUR MAP, IN OTHER WORDS. Hence you've come here. (Good thinking, Batwoman! You ain't some helpless victim, are ya. :-) )
" But he won't talk about it or even go to a doctor for it."
(Bstd) Well, of COURSE not. It would lead to exposure of the fact he was LYING if he talked about it to you (who badly needs closure). Please think about that in the context of: his just not cheating on his 10-year MISTRESS or back-to-back mistress-ES.
Eeee...we might have to shorten the just-added, second Hangman word now.
Hang. Man. My bonce is at it again. It knows things before I do (yes, weird but wonderful).
"The other sexual things we would do ALWAYS had to be initiated by him"
TAKING CONTROL (so that he cooooould....) (trying not to look down cos I suspect I know what's coming..)
" and it was always in the same manner, which became old."
Phew - just Mechanical. Phew. (You'd be surprised what some can do.)
Right. He's not aggressive nor trigger-tempered. Except when behind sandbags (phone). He's passive. Passive-Aggressive. Whatever the extent of what he is - Covert - and I suspect - Cerebral. He obviously makes his excuses sound plausible. Either that or your inner warrior is waking up and finally hearing through the BS.
" Any time I would initiate I would get pushed away"
PUSHED away. Actually PUSHED. Eff-a-doodle. What a nasty ahole.
Wait a minute. Push....YES, aggressive. But SUBTLY, FURTIVELY (ping!) while leaving the psychological and emotional rejection-shove to do most of the work. NOTED.
He needs to keep you, oh, boy does he! You're too important as his window-dressing!
I think he's a homosexual (or just not picky) narc. But I haven't seen much overblown ego reaction from him, i.e. perceiving and over-reacting to anything critical or insulting. (NOTED) (aw shite-a-nora).
" or get my feelings hurt."
N/A: there is no 'or' about it. As per above 'most of the work' - it's AND. The wound is from both the physical action of pushing you off and away, despite it doesn't alarm your nerves into producing direct, physical pain. Or put it this way: he does two psychological woundings - TO YOUR CORE I SHOULD ADD: one is the "not tonight (either), Josephine" and the other is the horrid hand and arm GESTURE. The latter compounds the verbal. The verbal compounds the physical. That would probably keep you off him for a good 2 weeks to a month (because you'd still be reeling then pacing the floor).
"After a while it becomes embarrassing to try."
(Fcknwnkr) Yes it bloody does. Oh my god. You poor woman.
I hate him.
DELETE YOUR SURFING HISTORY IMMEDIATELY AND AFTER EVERY USE, AND CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD MONTHLY, FROM NOW ON. I repeat: as window-dressing you staying his "wife" is imperative to him. He will not let you go without a fight. (Good - you can stand on my feet as I teach you the "Let's Squish Him (but so counter-furtively he won't know till it's too late)" dance.
You game? I know I beeping am.
" I was once caught by myself and I made him furious,"
Oh wow. You know what that now means? It means he is deliberately, purposefully depriving you of sex, even your right to relieve yourself. WEARING YOU DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.
And yet you've effectively still managed to pick up the virtual phone and dial 999.
(How did you get so strong? How come you're still pinging back after every onslaught like elastic? Haha - you're not Sia, are you?)
" and I was made to feel humiliated for that too."
Tell him (in your head - not in reality good god!) I said EFF-OFF YOU RHYMES-WITH-LOOSING-BANKER!
Trust me, luv, the humiliation is all his. His brain is broken. What a grotesque cripple he is. And cold, cruel and nasty as (NO) feck with it!
" He also blames me for it, saying I never want to do anything. Who would want to?"
THERE SHE IS - OH, JOY! GIMMIE A GROWL WHEN YOU SAY THAT LAST BIT, WARRIOR! Where the Hell have you been all this time, anyway! DO not go back to sleep - slap your own face if you have to, hell, stick a fork in the back of your hand - just DON'T.
" I used to cry myself to sleep every night over this,"
Used to. Houston, she has had enough of having had enough.
" and he knew it and said nothing."
He has no heart. I said broken and I meant it.
"I know he loves me in his own way, I have no doubts and I love him too but I do not want to live like that anymore."
Oh no you don't, missus. No man who loved a woman- even LIKED HER! - could put her in the Core stocks, NAKED, DURING PERPETUAL WINTER!, deny her spiritual food and water, whilst pelting her with rotten vegetables (still covered in soil, little rocks caught in the roots).
Sorry. But - NO. Don't do that self-delusion crap.
Could you treat him or any man you purported to love, like that - COULD YOU? COURSE YOU COULDN'T! You're not the insane one! (His aims and agendas are the insane part, the rest are symptoms, and the styles they're delivered in are downright cold and sadistic to the max.)
He's a psychopath. You're- sorry - WERE involved with a full-blown Psychopath (AsPD, non-narcissistic bar uber-self-serving selfishness and ZERO* empathy) (10 years of that levela nd kind of constant cold cruelty and sadism say so!).
Any normal man wouldn't put up with that situation HIMSELF - let alone put the mother of his child through it - for that long! Not even a romantically-conning Spath would go that long!
You/any partner are always only window-dressing with a Psychopath. You and their set-up with you - and having a kid - are their Mask Of Respectability, not just of Sanity.
I am normal
I am healthy
Hence am married
Hence married with a kid
Hence my wife HASN'T LEFT ME (fckn has, pal!)
No wonder he keeps trying to re-hook you in a horrid way called constantly starting arguments. There's nothing left to get a hook back into in your HEART. And to coin your own phrase - why would there be after all of that for that length of sentance!
" After ten years I know it won't change,"
No. But clearly you weren't given enough "in your face", INARGUABLE evidence, all that time because otherwise you might have received the shock you received ("this man doesn't work right - won't let me go but won't do what it takes to keep me either").
So he's got the whole house to himself, now, has he?
PLEASE THINK ABOUT TALKING TO A SOLICITOR. Don't panic. It's just for a free-of-charge chat to find out what would/could be "if you". It's like a magic wand - trust me on that. Even IF you don't go ahead with officially court-ordering your child-custody and child-maintenance. Having a child - having a not-husband like THIS - gives you legal rights and protective measures.
" and he has to feel the same way I do since he hasn't said anything about us leaving."
Of course he hasn't. As I've now explained - he doesn't WANT his long-tried-and-tested, long-successful, convenient, easy, window-dressing to go. If he even touches on the subject, it might give you a much-needed springboard for saying YOU want one.
And you almost are. DESPITE you're exhibiting Cognitive Dissonance (albeit, a portion of which will be trying to protect your child's "normal" childhood) (wrong...opposite).
Girl or boy - what age? (Yes, it matters.)
" I am not ready to move on to another man,"
Who said you had to- oh, wait - your starved sexuality did (- hands that do dishes may WELL be as soft as your face but they soon lose their bubbles, haha, black humour - ignore me).
" I still don't really know what I am doing yet."
I do. :-)
" How the hell do people move on from stuff like this?"
One foot in front of the other or if you've got me on-board - on a luxury yacht (is that spelt right?...can't see for the champagne, dwaling).
Yatch - nope
Yathc - obviously not
Yacht - no, I was right.
Or maybe I meant YUK - as in your USER-has-been-hus-bandless-NOT-EVEN.
So what usual marital perks HAVE you experienced in the last 10 years. Just food on the table?
How materially/financially generous HAS he been or let you be to yourself and kiddie using what is half your money- OH, WAIT. HE'S NOT TOTALLY STUPID, IS HE. Not married - not with-right to know exactly what's in the bank nor spend it TOO. Am I right?"
" I see it all the time but I honestly don't know what to do next."
See WHAT all the time?
I tell you what I see: Dead People. Like him. You heart HAS to be dead to be able to bring yourself to behave like that to your romantic partner at that and mother of your child AT THAT. You know it does. Normal-healthies would let you go or set you free...be a gentleman about it, if he had a phobia about doctors (pff!) so couldn't (pff!) get the (pff!) problem dealt with. Or at least let you take a lover.
YOU. AREN'T EVEN ALLOWED YOUR OWN HAND.
I am still shocked...like, Oh my pigging god!
He is FREEZING! He's a corpse already. Been one for ages (to be that cold, callous, sadistic, etc.).
" I am desperate at times just to be touched. I just don't want all the stuff that comes with having a partner right now."
Know the feeling - well, KNEW. No worries, there are loads of solutions for that - you'll see.
I need my questions answered first, though, please. Even if I've worked any out, myself, I still need to hear you say them (will explain afterwards)
" Thinking about that though makes me feel so guilty,"
Then grit your teeth and JUST STOP. TODAY.
" mostly for our kid."
AGAIN - THEN STOP. It is an incorrect thought producing those emotions so feeling those ways is a MISTAKE and FUTILE. Will achieve nothing - in fact, the distinct opposite.
You have left as soon as you got your wherewithal back, you have removed your child from in-his/her-face ATMOSPHERE (mummy sad face again, daddy not bothered face...should I be a not bothered face when I'm grown-up?). 'Sometimes, the very best reason you should leave an abusive relationship is because your child is watching'.
You did the right thing, the minute you could. Now you've just got to do the other third. Easy-peasy (in his pigging eyeballs Lemon squeezy).
"Any advice would be great."
That's ONE word for it, LOL. Grate too, I imagine. (No - seriously - sorry...and for the aggression...that's what Malignant Psychopaths do to me, I'm afraid.)
" I don't have anyone to talk to about this,"
" I am so desperate I am spreading my business on the internet. I need some guidance!"
So am I. Like - I hate narcissists for what they do to normal, kind, decent people (the ones that make life - and the planet - worth living), with a passion HENCE am doing charity on an "ermahgeerd!" forum (LOL). Very interestingly - I was born that way. Started sticking-up-for other toddlers at 18 months...told a Policeman off, aged 4...and so on and so forth LOL I sound crazy as eff. I'm not, though, I just tell it like it is, am naturally myself without apology, have a playful side (bloody NEED some R&R with THIS stuff!), and am and always have been mysteriously extremely confident and tough as old boots (elastic ones) (and no, I'm not Sia, either).
Well, ignoring the EVEN YADDER ON A FORUM bit (LOL - oy, you, cheeky!) - try this for compensation: We are all classy, caring, effort-giving, altriustic ladies and gentlemen on here, some ex-professionals (but which doesn't mean we can't get angry and explete (on your behalf as well) when shocked to bejezus by the enormity of something),...exclusive little club...great intellects...bad jokes lol....basically nothing like the others out there (or I'd be on them and not this one).
Finally, there is reaching desperation as in timebomb goes BOOM! and there is reaching desperation as in falling to the floor and doing nothing. Or as Mary Pickford put it: This thing called Failure is not the falling down but the STAYING down.
You are here. You ain't the latter. You are NOT staying down. I can tell that underneath everything else - you have come here to become sure that you can finally release your awakening inner warrior (aka hairless/naked Ape - which we all still are, even today).
Can you see how I've had to untwist your attitudes and resultant thinking, here and there? Just the tiniest tweaks - but what a huge difference it makes to your viewing angle?
You don't reaise how severely you've been regularly beaten-up and for too long - that's the trouble. Because it's your inner animal that feels the pain the most, and she's only just waking up after being kept drugged - first by him and then additionally by you (because you got forced into Survival mode - HIS constant survival mode (i.e. not getting exposed for what he really is and really likes having sex with). But you went 10 years. With a bloody Psychopath (broken and bad one) (there are good ones too, doncha know). Lured - I'm betting! - into his Sex Playroom which then too quickly turned (as soon as you'd produced the Normalcy window-dressing flourish of a kiddie, I'm equally betting!) out to be a pigging dungeon and torture chamber INSIDE A FRIDGE FREEZER.
Let me add a reminder: even a man who was impotent or a-sexual would at least try to keep his wife happy enough thus KEEP HIS WIFE, even if he had to use his FINGERS. Or a vibrator. Even if he got nothing out of it - although he would....aaand we're back to keep his wife happy so she doesn't leave.
THIS (er) man does it by removing your ability to think and decide to leave...Although it does seem he under-estimated you...which is a Sociopathic trait, not usually a Psycho's. Hmm... Yep, I need more data for input or confirmation, please, regarding any acts of aggression omitted...signs of hostility...whether he loses his temper or not....whether (think harder) he only abuses & neglects you with serious physical-needs deprivation- no, actually - STARVATION - or also financial, social (isolates you), etc., etc.
"Ta!" (say it poshly, LOL)
Forums (the good-uns) are the very best place TO sort this sort of madness out, in fact/you'll find.
Anyway. Whatever he is doesn't matter. He doesn't meet even your BASIC womanly-humanly needs, knows he doesn't, sees the effect (you, writhing in existential and spirital agony)...doesn't give one single sh*t (except for keeping you from leaving so he doesn't lose his Normal Family Man cover).
This, missus, is what's known as DEEP PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE. (Isn't it, Philip Schofield, you spoiled, selfish little psycho baby.) It's known as misappropriating your LIFE. You cannot GET a theft more serious in this world. Think about it. (The fact you got a kid out of it is down to YOU.)
This is what evil looks like when hidden behind a thick mask. Evil is when you lack even basic humanity. Like your conscience at SOME bloody point in 10 long years, making you wake up to yourself and think, what the hell am I doing to this poor woman....EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PERSONAL FEELINGS FOR HER - JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A PERSON WITH FEELINGS. I'm sorry but the surface behaviour and nice bits of him that you've been hanging onto are just acts. I repeat: no normal, healthy, decent man capable of loving anyone or anything could do that for that long - torture you insideously, relentlessly (IT'S ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND, background AND intermittently - but increasingly, now - foreground!) - to you of all people especially. Or let his own baby be raised in that cold atmosphere or after-atmosphere (if you somehow think kid can't sense it anyway) where that role-modelling could become his/her Normalcy Template/Mental Model to take into adulthood. Nope. No way.
Now can you understand why you're in such a state - and such a weird/abnormal one, at that?
And yet, still standing. And going straight for the virtual phone to call a virtual, emotional hospital.
How many other women are you assuming could do that, live with and through that, for that long?
Maybe the reason you stayed and haven't yet made the break a break, is because deeper down you sense that his underneathies might be a lot iffier than his overneathies would have you believe?
Well, only because your inner fierce animal has been like Sleeping Beauty.
You - I'm sure you never knew - must therefore be his (good) counterpart. A super empath (to have constantly forgiven him for that long and endured such an incredible weight, day after day after day (I'm tempted to keep going until I hit 10 years' worth, I kid you not - just to show you!) - plus with the BEST, most POSITIVELY-applicable psycho traits, equals, Pro-Social psychopath (until just now - dormant (kicked back to sleep....again). Once you come to terms with his not feeling a thing for you nor ever having done (bar a bit of novelty type fascination with his new toy at first) - as a purely-by-logic indisputable, demonstrable, hard-evidenced FACT - you are going to want (and feel capable of) paste the walls with him, so to speak, and MAY only need me to stand by, cheering you on (although I won't be wearing a bum-flap aka cheerleader's skirt, sorry) (don't mind the pom-poms, though).
Saying that. We already know what would put him out of operation for long enough for you to get away cleanly and safely-Amen. Don't we.
If you're too "un-Matrixed" to speak - just give me a one-sentance reply so I know you're ok (I'm serious) if you'd be so kind. Cheers. And don't worry, I'm not going anywhere today - I'll keep keeping my eye out for you. But I appreciate it's a lot to take in and get your head around.
Hence the capitals now: DELETE YOUR HISTORY, IN FACT, CHECK ALL YOUR GADGETS FOR TRACKERS, ETC. in case he has eyes on everything you do and everywhere you go. You are the only thing standing between him and public exposure of the real him. He would want fore-warning if you were going to do anything that didn't suit him or that long-term agenda.
PS: Don't need to read it a second time now. First was more than enough and, as you saw, not that far into it, either.
Don't worry about that though. One, it's "can't see the woods for the trees" (I'm on the hill looking down so I can) and, two, Spaths and Psychos have an inadvertently hypnotic effect on the victim (almost fact - still being tested - but spotted and accepted as such by clinicians and well-self-educated ex-victims).
PPS, just so's you know and can chew this over - this Scooby Snack:
You don't chain a WIMP to the wall. You don't need to...they're a wimp. You especially don't do it using mostly your own kiddie as the chain (got you preggers quickly, and now you can work out why). NOR then turn down the heating to between VERY COLD and FREEZING, AS WELL.
But you do if, as a predator, you smell another predator inside her. A bigger one than you.
That's when you need to a chain her to the wall and use her kiddie's precariousness of happiness to do the tying and freeze her into in-animation on top.
He's scared - or at least very wary - of you.
How dya like THEM apples, then?
Oh, and by the way: that second resonse of mind was based not on reading anything but just seeing isolated words "shooting out in Bold" at me. And only as far as 'not really happy'.
Reason? This had already said and explained it all (almost): "Lonely and starved for attention... is it even worth it anymore?"
Of attention (giving it elsewhere or incapable of)
Suicidal (too long)
But before that - you said FOR attention (narc...freudian slip on your part).
Bet you never realised that you say so much in so few words, eh.
Oh wait - you've had enough of being kept waiting for answers and there I go, forgetting to explain this one:
"" I still don't really know what I am doing yet."
I do. :-)"
You ARE leaving him. Have been (trying) (he's been impeding) for a year already. But you're still critically attached (to him (out of habit, but still), the marriage and the not having to worry about money). So you do need a leg-up to the cliff-edge before you jump off it, taking the relationship with you. You're worried you'll fall to your death.
You won't. You will fall UPWARDS. (Hah - you ESPECIALLY will fall upwards!)
Diff/All the diff.
Sorry, was that all too much in one go and you need time to process it?
Well, look, there are a couple more things you need to take into account: One is that the psychopathic husband, because he needs the window dressing of 'middle-class' respectability, is the only Cluster B character whom - in that particular set-up, usually where they have whatever type of useful standing in the community to preserve - ongoingly, long-term treat their spouse OKAY or even quite well.
Ignore the stereotype of psycho equals killer. The two are not automatically linked, two separate dispositionsm but which can co-exist and collide. But not often. White collar crime is more their thing (well, the Higher Functionals, anyway). So no need to freak on that score. The large majority, in fact, don't even resort to violence. They see it that doing so would contradict their 'intellectual supremacy amongst all beings', i.e. who needs to lay hands when one is the master manipulator and greatest actor out of the entire Cluster Bs? But they are (quietly, furtively, top-secretively) always up to something they shouldn't and yet spouses can have no clue....until whatever it is emerges with time. They're the double-life merchants.
I wouldn't try to discuss this with him, though. Do some web researching yourself. Try Higher Functional Psychopath, and then next, adding, non-Narcissistic...compare the two, see if you can identify him.
So anyway, as yours was "okay" to you on the surface (albeit, his long-drawn-out actions disagree), I appreciate it would possibly sound too out-of-character for him. Either way, it's always best to just eliminate it from the enquiry.