I think I have mentally checked out
I am in a bit of a struggle since 3 weeks ago. I am married and have two kids. My husband’s family has always been a problem in our relationship. They have never liked me and well his mom has done and said hurtful things. It has really affected me and I have become very resentful. Especially towards my husband who never defended me. Now after 8 years together and two kids he has kinda of put limits but at this point I feel very trapped. He got her a ring when he proposed to me, Our wedding was cancelled because his mom could not chose the venue, his mom invited his ex to my baby shower, she has said that I was gonna take advantage of my husband and I could go on and on and on. Although my husband treats me good and it’s a great father, it is not enough. I can’t have those moments back and moments like have not gotten better. I use to think that other people had it worst and that I should just be greatful but I also think that I deserved a beautiful wedding, nice pregnancies and baby showers ect. A few weeks ago, I was sitting at my husband’s grandma’s house and I realize that I didn’t want to be there ever. Since then I have been very frustrated. I don’t want them in my life and I want a husband who is excited to marry me and to have kids with me. He is great and says he loves me but I feel like it took two kids to get to that point. One time he even said that in order to marry me, he had to test me during deployment at that time we had been together 2 years. It feels like now he is convinced of me like I finally met whatever he was looking for. I don’t know if I am mentally checked out, but I am for sure resentful and suffocated.
It's reasonable to expect more validation from a partner. It's not clear if you are *actually* married or not. You write you are married, and on the other hand your wedding was cancelled because his mommy couldn't choose the venue, and you "want a husband excited to marry [you]."
I don't know how independent the two of you are. Were you depending on the in-laws' money to pay for a wedding? Does he get supplemental money from them because he doesn't make enough to support his family? The baby shower thing is odd - was she trying to get YOU upset, or it could be a "nanner-nanner-she's having his baby and you're not" thing. I didn't date a lot, but if some guy broke up with me, I wouldn't be excited to go to his baby-momma's shower. But the other side of this is: you are the guest of honor. The hostess (your MIL) can invite whomever she wants. I'm curious - why did you agree to this? You KNOW these people and their modus operandi. When she said "I want to throw you a shower" you could have said, "No, thank you."
"Checked out" could also mean "detached," which could be a good thing. Sometimes detachment occurs when we realize we have no control over a situation and we're taking a step back, emotionally. You can't control your husband. You CAN set boundaries. You can say, "I'm not going to Grandma's house. She belittles me and you do nothing to stop it. If you want to visit her with the kiddos, be my guest. If I find out she's bad-mouthing me to the kiddos, I guess you'll visit her alone."
He may be a great father, but he *doesn't* treat you well if he lets his family abuse you. Actually, he's not a great father either, to allow the mother of his children to be treated poorly. If you're still pretty sure he's "a great father," the two of you can co-parent the children without being a couple.
Yes, i know, I know -- you love him. I love *all kinds of people* I wouldn't live with or marry. Some people are best loved from afar.
And you deserve validation rather than tumbleweed for that beaut of a post, OM: