What should I do?
LENA - Oct 30 2022 at 03:33
I've met a very important person when I was in 10th grade, back in 2012.
I was 15 years old. I fell really hard and quickly for her, she was probably my first real love.
We started as very good friends and we very much enjoyed each other's company. It was awesome, the quemistry was great and I knew I was feeling something really special for her, since I not only found her physically attractive, but also really adored her personality, voice, mannerisms, the way she thought and behaved.
Although I was very much in love with her, I wasn't planning on confessing my feelings towards her because that's how I've always acted as a kid and as an adolescent.
As many people, I was always afraid of rejection and other people's reactions so, eventhough I've always wanted love, I would never really pursuit it, mainly because fear, shame and doubts, due to too much overthinking.
That year she actually confessed to me and, for some reason, my first reaction wasn't happiness. I froze, got really scared and didn't answer. I satrted doubting my fellings for her and thinking that maybe it was just an intense crush. Only when I arrived home that day, and being alone for sometime, by myself, I felt bliss and happiness.
However, I started also thinking about what other classmates of ours would think about it. I was the first time I was in love with a girl, being a girl myself. I feared that my friends wouldn't believe my feelings for her and think I was only trying to get atention (we were attending an arts school, where kids sometimes would like to pretend to have alternative sexualities just to feel cool, progressive and fit in). I even remember thinking to myself "I never get what I want; there's always something, an impasse, a blockage that prevents me from getting what I desire".
At that time I was too young to realize, but I was sabotaging myself hardcore.
After that incident, because I was taking too long to answer her, she started to get close to another girl in our class.
At that time I didn't know nothing about dating games, rebounds or attachment styles. I was so clueless, I would take what I's see as the truth most of the times, so I'd protect myself instead of being vulnerable.
Looking back, I can say for sure that she was totally an anxious preocupied type and I was(/still am a little bit, maybe?) a fearful avoidant.
They progressively got closer and closer, to the point all class started shipping them. Now, I know it was all a mind game; a way to make me jealous a scared to lose her, so I would take the initiave. However, at that time, I was genuinely very insecure, and started doubting her feelings towards me; I thought that because I took to long to give her an answer, she was already moving on and falling in love with someone else. Also, I feared that if I took the risk, she would probably reject me and say that she was now in liking the other girl. I was also feeling replaced, so I started feeling angry and resentful as well.
Basically, I wouldn't open up because of fear but also because of pride.
I didn't feel safe, I was distrustful of the situation. I know this isn't an excuse but, personality-wise, I also have always been very cautious and a bit of a coward, specially when it comes to love realtionships. I've always prefered loving in secret and chosing not to confess to anyone, because I was too afraid of rejection, getting my self-esteem hurt and feeling the emotional hangover (shame/pathetic) afterwards.
The time passed and nothing really changed: she kept being very close to that other girl and I kept being silent and resentful.
Now I know that they never really dated eachother, it was all an act. She was using her friends, pretending she was in a romantic relationship with them to get a reaction out of me. And it worked, I would cry at home and feel distressed and stuff however, because every time I'd belive it wasn't an act and that she was really not in love with me anymore and moving on, I would keep myself from showing some vulnerability and I would end up doing nothing about it.
I'm afraid she thought I was leading her on intentionaly, but I was really in love and interested in her, it was just that I was always too scared to take the risk.
We stayed in this power play up until 2016 and, because of all this, we never got to date. However, I never forgot about her.
Back in 2018, I decided to make a move and send her an apology/closure letter on facebook. My apology was genuine, however I can't deny that it was somewhat of a test too, as I was still in love with her and wanted to know if I still had a chance.
She first answered that she wasn't understanding what I was meaning and after I proceeded to clarify that I was apologizing for the way I handle somethings in the past regardin our situationship, she said she didn't remember and that I hadn't done anything wrong. I guess I unintentionally got her mad, as this was quite a passive-aggressive answer from her.
After just a few days from my reach out, she proceeded uploading a new profile picture. It was a selfie in which she was smiling and with some other girl's head laying on one of her shoulders. I'm pretty much sure this wasn't incidental and that she was being purposefully vindictive.
Some months passed and we met on the street. I'm not going to lie, I was pissed and hurt, so I passed by her and didn't even greet her. I was quite childish of mine, I know, but at the time it was the only way I found to express some anger and to get back at her.
In 2020, during the pandemic, my 10th grade class private facebook group was active again for the first time since 2014.
One of our classmates was added to the group and posted a text saying that she missed all of us at 2:30 am. I only saw it the next that.
Initially, I thought it all came from that old classmate of ours but, during the conversation in comments between other members of the group, it was found that it was her who started by adding that classmate who wrote the post to begin with. So, I guess she sneakily instigated her to do it. After the other people discovering that it was all engendered by her, she proceeded commenting "eheh, lets see who still has their group notifications activated".
Despite all of this, I don't think she still loves me like I still love her. I think she was only concerned that I was still mad about it so she was trying to see if I still had my group notifications activated because, after all that happended, I didn't block or unfriend her, or left our 10th grade private facebook group. I just didn't have the courage, as I still find those memories very very precious to me, and honestly because I thought it would be a very immature move.
A decade has passed and I didn't date anyone, not because I closed myself from everyone (as I wouldn't mind falling in love again with someone new), but because I honestly didn't feel that same connection or love/interest towards anyone new I met during all these past years... I've been a celibate for the last 25 years, pretty much: I still haven't kissed, dated or had sex with anyone. It is quite sad and it worries me. I kind of got stuck in this regret from my past and I was wondering if I should take a chance now, once for all.
We still are friends on social media, so I know that now she's in love with some other girl, who's actually in a relationship with a guy, with who she has had a baby this year.
I know she's romantically interested in her because I found an old photo of just the two of them, in which she was holding her arm, while the other girl was eating a sandwish or something and its title was "friendship :))".
It's impossible to ignore the sarcasm rip :') Now, I know this isn't bluff but the real deal.
Even though she's in love with this new girl (who's now a mom and in a heterosexual relationship), I assume she's still single for now. However, I'm afraid that in the future she'll leave her boyfriend and pursue her. I know it probably sound unreasonable to you, but we never really know, life's pretty unpredictable!
So what should I do? Should I grow the balls and try one last time to fight for her and show her how much she has changed me and meant to me?
Since we got separated, I learned a lot about myself, my childhood traumas, attachment issues/styles and I think I changed and grew to the point of knowing what my core wounds are and consciously act the right way and be more trusting and emotionally open/communicative with people.
I really want to nurture a loving relationship, share my life and time with the person I love the most, be devoted to them, return home to them, grow together and build a family!
Honestly, that sounds like a dream. I think that's the meaning of life.
If you've read up until this point, thank you so much, ahah xD
I look foward to your honest feedback on my issue, guys.
Thanks! Have a nice day! :)
I would guess that what you experienced as an adolescent was pretty common: the intense feelings, the lack of experience about what to do with them, the fear of being rejected. Maybe the *very* attractive and habitually popular kids didn't feel that way, but I did. I think *most* people bumbled along until they had a couple failed relationships - and there are people who never engage in any introspection about why a romance fell apart. They will continue to make the same mistakes, over and over again.
You are a different person than you were ten years ago. I'd wager your first crush is, too. I don't know about 'fighting' for a relationship (what would that mean, exactly?). All any of us can do is to express how we feel to someone in the hopes they have similar feelings. And even if someone DOES, that's not the end of it. The physical/emotional attraction can be intense, and two people may still not have compatible aspirations and life goals, which will make a long-term relationship impossible. If one person wants children and one doesn't, it's not a good match, is it? One person will give up a dream to raise children, or one will end up resenting the children were born. That's just one example.
You've written a lot about a potential romance that never happened TEN YEARS AGO, but not what you are looking for today (except this one girl). You are at an age when people traditionally start to think about lifestyle/household/career/kids/spiritual life, etc. I don't see that fleshed out in your post. You have decisions to make about these things (maybe you have made them), and for better or worse (to turn a phrase) you have zero idea about whether she would want the same things in life as you do.
It's a little depressing to think about, but MOST romantic relationships don't work out. That's what dating is for: to find out if two people have enough in common to continue forward toward long term plans. The two of you never dated. In the ten years since, you still haven't. Plus you now have the knowledge that she posted something kinda-sorta off-putting for you to see. Maybe the kindest interpretations we could put on this is her pointing out that she has moved forward. You can continue to mourn this potential experience, of look at it as something that was never meant to be.
The choice is your to make.
Hey, OLDMAINER !
Fist of all, thank you for the time in reading and answering my query. I very much appreciated it and I think you're right.
Since I finished my collage degree, I've been focusing on my career as well as on my social life, as I'd love to be in a nurturing and well established relationship to build a family in the future. And, sometimes, I can't help but remembering this person from my past very foundly, and wonder what would happend if I had the courage to reach out and explain myself.
However, you're prespective seems obviously way more reasonable, ahah. I'll save myself from the possible rejection, keep fighting against this nostalgia and moving forward to new opportunities.
Sort of 'been there, done that.'
I fell -hard- for someone when I was in high school, but he was a couple years younger - and I was 18. Probably not illegal, but I was going away to school, and asking him to wait, or me waiting, was something I knew in my gut wasn't kosher. We planned to re-connect when he graduated.
I was at school when I got 'the letter.' He realized I was right about not waiting for one another, and now had a girlfriend. Over the next three or four years, we did stay in loose contact, but whenever one of us was single, the other was in a relationship.
We drifted away from one another. I got married and Sam had a series of relationships and five children from them. When Facebook facilitated re-connection, we friended one another. Sam's relationship status went from married to it's complicated to in a relationship with a new woman in a matter of a few weeks. You know the kind of saccharine lovely dovey stuff people say on Facebook with new relationships? He was doing that, while I thought, "Duuuude, you're still married." He and new woman got engaged, complete with sparkly ring pic and 'she said yes' caption. And...that fell apart, too.
He's a nice man, but a kind of short attention span. I look at it as having dodged a bullet. But looking at his picture - of course I remember what it was like when we were young and absolutely obsessed with each other. Add to that, neither of us were burdened with mortgages, utility bills, children, jobs, you know; grown up things. It was a magic time.