My dad is an abusive person to people and animals and I want him gone
I wish my father was dead. I'd rather have a dead one than a fucking toxic one that makes me the one who wants to die. He is evil in every aspect and I do not care if it was because of his childhood wherein he was given away to his aunt while his siblings stayed with their family. That is his fucking problem and trauma to deal with. And why the fuck make your own family only to trauma dump to them and make their entire lives fucking hell. I am so fucking tired and I have self harmed bc of him and I can't help use the word fuck in like every sentence.
I am currently a senior in high school and my entire life, I knew he was a menace especially to my mom, but only around late 2020 because of the pandemic I got to realize how evil of a person he was. We have dogs, now we have 12 dogs. All of them without the proper care. They get punished through spanking, caged for life, and there is nothing I can do. I can't simply call the police because I still have to attend university and an expensive one at that. (From where I come from, you don't get any jobs and you don't get an ideal future if you don't graduate in one of the top universities in the country). So I have to think about what will happen in the long run, reporting such thing would instantly mean that I say goodbye to getting out of this hellhole. I try to make up with what I can (I buy them treats, try to give them baths as frequently as possible, buy nail clippers, and other stuff I can attain. Obviously, they don't have access to vet care as well. They're infested with ticks & fleas, they get wet when it rains, they stay outside 24/7 except for one dog. I have continuously proposed to get them adopted but no, nothing works. I have been planning on buying this dog house for their shelter when it's too hot or when it rains but I can't even afford it with the little allowance I get. If you're a pet owner, you understand how expensive taking care of one is, and imagine taking care of 12 as a fucking senior in high school.
I want to die, life is so hard, I feel trapped and so does those animals. I feel evil all the time even though like why the fuck should I feel like I inherited his sins? Life is so unfair. I do not mistreat those animals, he does, they do.
That topic aside, he is a fucking sad boy for a boy (yes bot not a man) for an old man. Constantly shouting, insulting, at my mom. They get into fights everyday and one time my mom literally said that he should be gone by the time she gets home, but nah the sad boy was still here. His so disgusting, not even his own family wants to take him (maybe that's why he was given in the first place). LOL. Bottomline is I want him to die, out of the picture, or whatever. I don't say this selfishly because I am not the only one who suffers, my mom does, my siblings, and those poor animals.
Oh and I'm writing this because I'm ranging with anger as he just scolded God fucking knows maybe spanked this like 4 months old puppy for sleeping in one of the places where he keeps his things outside bc the animals are not allowed inside. The puppy was seeking shelter because it's wet outside and it rained yet somehow it's the puppy's fault. (for reference, outside is outside of the house but within the gates of the house, so they're not exactly stray animal free which I think would be better by how life is treating them)
I am so sorry that respondents are thin on the ground lately, meaning, you and others have had to wait. So, thanks for your patience, and...you have my hugest sympathies. How old are you, if you don't mind my asking? And the rest of your family?
I don't think what you're feeling is 'evil'. I think you're just understandably white-hot furious at your situation (known as being "stuck between a rock and a hard place") and (er) your (er) dad - whose whole attitudes and behaviours sound pathological alright - and all the intense frustrations in you that he's causing. Been there, done that...in fact, most of us here have. So we know how you feel.
Evil is when it makes no difference what the other person inputs or not, the urge to mistreat comes from within. Evil is your father. Or rather, how his mental condition (Mentally Out-Of-Order!) affects and effects. Not that that lets him off the hook, of course, because he does have eyes and ears and a brain (albeit a very hole-y one, scans show).
So you're not evil, you're in a provoked reactive state of massive resentment, etc. - which is the correct response (you're normal). In fact it might surprise you to know yu're doing surprisingly well, all things considered: you're able to feel angry, still, and yet have amazing self-control and self-regulation. You must take after your mum or one of your grandparents.
Hang on in there - it IS temporary, not worth harming or doing yourself in for. Don't let him win. Do NOT let him win - the world NEEDS more people like you. And so do those dogs. You're making a huge difference to their lives, just giving them a taste of human care and kindness, please know that. I also think it's mutual, and that if you can spend as much time loving and playing with these dogs, it will be very therapeutic for you, counteract your (ugh) (I mean, er) (or do I) dad's toxic effects.
You are crystal-clearly your (er) dad's opposite. So don't you DARE jump off a cliff and leave the rest of us diamonds to deal with them - don't you dare! Alright?
YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
REPEAT: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Agree that he's a boy. Spoiled, mean-minded, bully-boy in grown-up suit. I would shoot him for you, only, it's not allowed, more's the bloody pity.
Your mum sounds like she's got a lot of fight still left in her as well. But clearly her telling HIM to be in-charge of his leaving made her ultimatum just an empty threat. That won't work, it's only actions that your pathologicals understand...words to them are just a tool and therefore they don't take anybody else's seriously, either. She needs to cease doing that because every time a pathological gets away with something, it makes them WORSE....BOLDER...even MORE boundary smashing..and in direct proportion to the size of the dodged consequence, so - 'Do not feed the Monster'.
Tell me more about your mum and siblings? And what other relatives could you appeal to for (secret) help of the type that would just help you cope until such time as you can get away?
"Oh and I'm writing this because I'm ranging with anger as he just scolded God fucking knows maybe spanked this like 4 months old puppy for sleeping in one of the places where he keeps his things outside bc the animals are not allowed inside. The puppy was seeking shelter because it's wet outside and it rained yet somehow it's the puppy's fault. (for reference, outside is outside of the house but within the gates of the house, so they're not exactly stray animal free which I think would be better by how life is treating them)"
Yup, okie-dokie - I hate him too. The b***ard. OMG. They do your head in, don't they?
Have you been surfing "Narcissism" (NPD - Malignant Narcissism, man-made), "Sociopathy" (NPD + AsPD, man-made), and "Psychopathy" (NPD + AsPD, natural-born, corrupted)? If so, which do you suspect him to be?
PS: I doubt he's a Psychopath. They're very self-controlled, smooth. The Sociopath ("Spath") is the impulsive, hot-headed, verbally violent one. The 'straight' Malignant Narcissist wouldn't do a THING that left any evidence for "their public" to find or get told about (no way, Jose! - too dependent on their admired, false image...even care too much about whether their victim still rates them).
Let me know if you're too short of time to surf and want some links to articles and videos.
I can give you some brilliant coping mechanisms, btw, even fun ones (kid you not!). But I won't get ahead of myself, will wait for you to reply. :-)
Meanwhile, as it's obvious that your keenest stressor is the poor dogs (good on ya!) - here's a site for very low-cost, homemade flea treatments:
(Sadly, it doesn't include one for human parasites or I'd suggest spraying him too. Ha ha.)
PS: The Peppermint Soap and Lemon Bath are probably the cheapest methods. Saying that the Coconut Oil would also somewhat waterproof them.
PPS: question: think carefully... Do you think he treats the dogs worse and worse BECAUSE he knows it upsets you? I imagine you must intervene whenever he has a go at your mum? Could this be his revenge?
If you do - that would be great news because it indicates he's scared of you or at least wary.
You're probably, without realising it and regardless of on-paper years, a lot older than he is. And I'll bet he senses it.
What age would you put him at, whereby his behavour, although still bad, makes more sense?
Is there no way of asking someone to anonymously filing a complaint and get checked by animal welfare? as in my country it's easy as that. those dogs need to be saved. please find an alternative.