My ex broke up with me and I think its entirely my fault
We were dating for 1 year and 4 months me (26M) my ex (23F), 1 month ago she broke up with me.
I tried to find out why, she just stated that ist happy anymore and is uncertain of what shes feeling she said.
I only regret the 4 mistakes that I’ve done in this time of relationship:
1. First mistake was I didnt introduce her to my friends. Which raised kinda a red flag for her. But there is a thing, that she is very very shy around new people, I knew her very well, and once I did introduce her to 2 of my friends, everyting was fine, but afterwards when I asked her “How did u feel around my friends?” She replied “I didnt felt to well, cause they didn't take me into account that much, I felt marginalized.” From then I tried to control everything around me and her, she has this thinking that she will be judged wrong about new people around her, I tried to protect her. But sadly in the end she thought that I dont want to introduce her to my friends and she was thinking that I keep her only for sex and for my satisfaction. All I wanted was to protect her from bad judgements.
2. Second mistake was; she was very skeptical of me that I would cheat on her, I dont blame her attitude cause she had one relationship before me and didnt went that good, I didnt want to ask that much from her past though. Like I was saying, from her likely “paranoic” behaviour, she took my phone, and went through all my messages of course she didnt find anything, (except for 1 thing that we sorted it out and was my university colleague), she also looked at my tik tok likes and saw that I liked few tik-tok short videos of girls, I tried to explain that I was very sorry and she was developing security issues that she is no good for me, that she looks ugly and with big nose and so on. From that time I took all the blame and felt very sorry about what I did.
3. My 3rd mistake was. when we held arguments between us, I was the only one that ran away from fights. OFC I didnt dodge her for days or weeks, I just wanted to clear my mind and come back within 30 - 40 min to discuss. I did it several times, but the last time I was very sorry and told her that I will change and wanted I prove it with facts. She always tells me when I do this that "I always run from problems."
4. My 4th mistake. At some point in our relationship she asked if I look at porn movies when were apart. Ofc I told her the truth and said "yes". She kinda got upset and we discussed, she told me that "I didnt want to look at porn movies cause I respect you.". At that point I felt really bad about it and told her that "I wont make you feel like you don't deserve me, or betray you with somebody else." After a few weeks we went on vacation and she decided to look in my phone again. She opened tik-tok and went through my liked videos and saw a few tik-tok with girls. After that she got really upset and we went on a pretty bad fight, at some point we calmed down and she told me "Now I feel insecure and I dont think that I'm enough for you." and I told her that "I cannot deny that I see other people beautiful but that dosent mean that I love them or I want to betray you with them. If you did the same thing, that you like other men or looking at porn I wouldn't get that mad as long as you love me." When we arrived from our trip after a few weeks I saw a notificaiton tinder logo on top of her screen. I told her "Whats up with this notification, I know it's tinder cand I look into ?". She gave me her phone and it was my first time looking at her phone and it was tinder but she had a completely random photo, random name and random age. She told me that she installed it so that she can spy me if I got tinder. I was amazed... "Told her I don't want to betray you."
But she still dosent believe me and broke up with me on 15.OCT.2022. She told me that she felt distant.
I begged her that she is making a mistake, and stated that I still love her and wanted to get over this obstacles together, I cried in front of her when she gave me the news. It was a tough day.
She said that she will help me get over the pain and sorrow, but of course I told her she is making it worse. I told her that I dont want to talk to her anymore. And that I dont want to be in friend zone.
We kept seeing eachother. I tried to go to her university once, cause she was dodging me and was rescheduling the dates. I waited outside the uni, to talk to her. But she perceived me that I stalk her to see if she is seeing another guy. I told her that she was dodging me that's why I came up. Now she is scared that I'm stalking her... She said that "Now if u did this, I dont know what you're capable of, and I'm afraid."
Its this relationship salvageable ? I want to know how if it’s doable. (sry for my bad english, not my main language)
I don't think it is salvageable, but not just because of you. I think the two of you are not a match and she knows that, but can't verbalize it yet.
The red flag about introducing her to friends should have been a red flag - to YOU. You introduce her, things go okay, then she complains she felt marginalized. She's a grown woman. She can enter into conversations, she can ask questions. And **IF** those two friends were rude or dismissive of her, honestly that's on THEM. Maybe other friends would have been more welcoming, but half of this is on her to put forth a little bit of energy to engage with other people. At 23 and a university student, it's time to grow up.
Stepping away for a few minutes may be annoying to her, but I see it as kind of your way of cooling off. Did you come back and talk things through? If nothing ever get resolved that's a problem.
The porn thing: that's a problem. To her, that's a deal-breaker. YOU say if she looked at it it's okay so long as she's faithful. You're simply not on the same page with this. You need to accept that this is her boundary and *SHE'S NOT OBLIGATED TO CHANGE FOR YOU OR ACCEPT THIS.* She's not making a mistake. She's making a choice. She dosn't want a partner that looks at porn.
Other women may not feel this way. But let's be honest: the philosophy that people look at porn so they can be sexually satisfied without having to please a partner has *some* merit. And some people get more and more extreme in their preferences, into things that are illegal. (Trying to be careful with language here, anybody can access this forum)
Being on Tinder to check on you is kind of childish, but I don't think it's a problem - I think it's a symptom of the problem. I think she knew in her soul the two of you aren't destined to be together, and was kind-of sort-of looking. Checking on you was kind of a bonus.
I think continuing to associate with her it just picking at a scab, and causing you more pain. The whole point of breaking up is that each person re-engages with friends and activities **without his/her partner**. She's dodging you because she's made her decision to move on and you're refusing to accept that. Canceling meet-ups was a clue. She doesn't want to talk about it any more. You ARE stalking her. Stop.
"We kept seeing eachother. I tried to go to her university once, cause she was dodging me and was rescheduling the dates."
Obviously, you're NOT "a" stalker, Caesal42. Because here, we have Cause & Effect. In fact, I can appreciate that you were emotionally manipulated into needing to confront her (for peace of mind, finally, due to her messing you around with mixed messages - making arrangements then last-minute changing them) and thereby forced into a position that she could (conveniently) CALL "stalking". But you obviously weren't to know you'd left yourself open to that, all you wanted was to get an answer that you in fact deserved.
She sounds manipulative to me. There again, she's still young and relatively immature - and CLEARLY not over her last relationship enough to be dating anyone again!
FYI, though: porn is for single blokes, especially ones that haven't had a gf for ages. However, it's highly addictive (worse than Heroin). And has in recent years been proven beyond any shadow of doubt to insidiously ruin too many young men's love-lives. You might want to look into that on the internet e.g. YouTube?
Other than that, I don't see you did anything wrong. So I agree with OldMainer that she is not the one for you.
PS: FYI whether minutes later or after it's ended - virtually ALL victims of highly narcissistic or full-blown NPD partners find themselves behaving in ways they're not proud of - usually out of deliberately-stoked frustration to a degree that would break the patience of even a SAINT.
Sorry - bad English!
Whether minutes later or however-long after it's ended - virtually ALL Victims (of highly narcissistic of full-blown NPDs) look back on the events and realise they behaved in ways uncharacteristic of their usual selves and over which they're either not proud or downright ashamed - but which were in actual fact due to having been deliberately stoked into a state of over-frustration that would break the patience of even a SAINT.