Does she really like me or life we built
B+ - Dec 25 2022 at 02:35
I am 30 m my wife 30 f had an affair 4 years a go we also have 3 kids together since 17. I have got over the thought of her cheating.My issue is now when we have sex I compare to the cheating was like. Examples Our sex life has always been rocky. She would complain it hurt or she was not into it for years. 4 years a go I read emails between my wife and her bf in the messages from my wife who told me our whole relationship she was not into sex was calling her self this guys whore and asking him for sex often. She told him I was larger but didn't know how use it and he was better. She plenty of messages of how great he was in bed ect. She says our sex is fine but it seems be a lie?
"I have got over the thought of her cheating."
Have you? Kudos!
"My issue is now when we have sex I compare to the cheating was like."
That's completely normal, happens to all Betrayees... it's part of your healing process. But it CAN be symptomatic of your not having had ALL your questions answered - to YOUR satisfaction, I mean. True?
"Our sex life has always been rocky. She would complain it hurt or she was not into it for years. 4 years a go I read emails between my wife and her bf in the messages from my wife who told me our whole relationship she was not into sex was calling her self this guys whore and asking him for sex often."
What the beeping beep?! (Great!....Twist the knife, why doncha!)
I don't like that. REALLY don't like that.
" She told him I was larger but didn't know how use it and he was better. She plenty of messages of how great he was in bed ect. She says our sex is fine but it seems be a lie?"
Yes, CLEARLY it's a lie! And although I won't plant my flag yet - it's symptomatic of a whole unhealthy attitude of mind.
Sorry, but - UGH! Don't fancy yours much!?!
How's she been treating you since?
Are you trying to preserve your marriage for your kids' sakes?
PS: You said ExampleS, plural. Can you tell me about all the others as well?
PPS: Forgot to say Hi :-) But that's because of how instantly appalled I was on your behalf :-(
I would say kids big part of it,but I do love her and very attracted too her which makes very hard. She seems to be putting in effort. The examples are she will never say she wants sex. I have ask or make a move she is better at not saying no to those advances like in the past. She always asked other guy for sex. When we do have sex before she would cry say it hurts that has stopped. Now it's like she board tell she gets on top then she seems enjoy it. I can not find victory in this. My major hang up is she says our sex life fine she enjoys it when all evidence points to that. When I bring this up its met with all messages to other guy where exaggerated or lies and we have more then sex.
Hi B+, sorry for the delay - I've had Xmas guests. Be with you asap.
No worries enjoy your holiday appreciate the help
De nada! :-)
I want to take your reply one step at a time, so, please bear with me, and - first up...
"I would say kids big part of it,but I do love her and very attracted too her which makes very hard."
Let's break it down. Give each of these motivators come blockers a rating from 1-10 (10 strongest):
1. Because I wish to preserve my kids' normal family uprbringing
2. Because I love her
3. Because I find her sexually irresistable (- change to own wording if you like)
1. 10 by far my main concern in life
2. 7 she is my high school sweetheart wife mother of my children. I just feel resistant and I can't gauge how she feels
3. This loaded question before cheating off the scale 10 now I'd say a 7 some of what I liked was her seemed innocents now that I learned it's not that and just something with me it takes a hit but she still has beautiful eyes smile body ect
Cheers for that!
Next question, if you please:
What would you be saying if you were kidless?
Try to sit and imagine that and then re-rate points 2 and 3 on that basis.
(Thanks for bearing with me. There IS method in my madness :-)).
1. Would be 0 if no kids
2. Would be 3 I would still love her miss her but my need to find someone that feels for me the way I feel for her or have a girl feel for me way she did with other guy would be too much
3.5 the physical beauty would still exist. It would be huge turn off for me to feel how little she enjoys intimacy with me. Intimacy would be difficult cause I would wonder why she even with me.
Okay. Now you'll have to brace... I'm going to unchain you (the above proves there's only one locked one remaining) but it won't feel nice while it's happening...
If you research this online, you'll see that child psychologists all nowadays agree (with-basis) that staying in a marriage that is unhealthy, for the sake of the children, is wholly misguided. Kids aren't stupid, they can sense it. And it can damage them long-term or permanently. Divorce is better for everyone. But, because with kids you need to be doubly sure - preceeded by a decent Separation (scary, but a Godsend in-disguise).
Additionally - as Mira Kirchenbaum says to her readers in (thoroughly recommend for you) "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad To Stay":
(Not verbatim) If your partner cheats on you, don't waste your time asking whether they still love you. If they could do that to you, they don't even LIKE you!
However, I appreciate you'll want to first give her the floor, given how she seems to have stepped up. My fear is, that it won't last more than a few weeks or months at most before she'll drop the act.
And FYI: if sex with your husband is consistently uncomfy or painful, it's natural to lack the confidence needed to seek 'better' elsewhere, through a new man. So I don't believe her for a second. I think that has been her excuse for not "cheating on" her lover while things were still good.
Another question: you seem extraordinarily bonded with your kids for the average father. Is that because you were always stepping up in order to compensate for any deficits in her own input with them?...in combination with - because she left you yourself somewhat deprived and thereby freer to bond more deeply with your kids?
I think bond with my kids because of the reason you listed. They really are like my only real relationship. It's been long time since I felt safe with my wife. I own my on business and very friendly with my employees but I have leave some distance in those relationship. This left my kids when was not working I was in room with them playing tag video game whatever they wanted. If someone with crystal ball told me my wife would not make it hell for me to spend time with my kids if we separated I would probably pay her first an last month rent on apartment today and tell her to leave. I agree I don't think this relationship with my wife will ever reach what I expect
I can only apologise for the slowness of response - t'is that season (on top of my usual over-busyness, I mean!).
"I think bond with my kids because of the reason you listed. They really are like my only real relationship. It's been long time since I felt safe with my wife. I own my on business and very friendly with my employees but I have leave some distance in those relationship. This left my kids when was not working I was in room with them playing tag video game whatever they wanted. If someone with crystal ball told me my wife would not make it hell for me to spend time with my kids if we separated I would probably pay her first an last month rent on apartment today and tell her to leave. I agree I don't think this relationship with my wife will ever reach what I expect"
That last sentance: No, clearly not.
There'll be a solution or two, however...try not to worry...just need to get the entire jigsaw picture in place first, to see precisely what we're dealing with and to what degree.
1. What else is she like? (bad English, but you know what I mean).
2. List everything about her habits, words and behavioural repertoire that seems however-much "anti-relationship/anti-marriage" to you?
3. And how is she with and around the kids?
4. You've been with her for 13 years. When precisely did the romance start to deteriorate - and how...what were the first changes you noticed?
5. And how 'safe' do you feel? Like you've only been together about 6 months? If more - you say?
6. Given you say you suspect she'd make your kid-custody extremely difficult: has she long-shown she tends towards being very egotistical and vengeful and/or, as opposed to a healthy, loving mother, putting her pride and interests ahead of those of the kids (and your own)?
Give me as much data as you can, the longer your post, the better.
But...she sounds distinctly Iffy. Or (and tell me if you think you know what I'm getting at here -) decidedly Niffy.
Hi again B+,
You're probably busy - everyone is...seems we've all hit the 2023 ground, running. So I'll jump straight to the solution:
Ask around all the divorcees you know (only those whom you're sure wouldn't - better yet, couldn't - tip her off, e.g., your work colleagues or biz associates, perhaps?) to see if they can recommend a sh*t-hot solicitor, by which I mean, one used to dealing with divorces featuring a malignantly narcissistic spouse, and arrange an initial consultation (should be free). (Failing that, phone your local Law Society.) This way, you'll be able to find out exactly where you'd stand, including what measures said solicitor would recommend/implement to prevent any of that custody-obstruction nonsense. They know what NPDs are like and these days they have a number of counter-provisions available.
The visit would just be a fact-finding exercise, there's never any obligation to take it further. But at least it'll put your mind at rest and give you the freedom to decide what the best move would be. Because, whilst you're wondering if she might do this or that, that's what's missing and keeping you stuck.
Furthermore, often what happens is the victimised spouse comes out of their office feeling so much more empowered (clicking their heels together in relief and happiness, usually!) and their new-found confidence to self-assert, draw boundaries, etc., can tip the dynamic to where it's healthier, fairer and either happier or at least do-able and providing a healthier role-modelling for your kids for when they hit dating and marrying age.
If you have no luck, come back here because I've got my own tips and tricks for making the difficult spouse WANT you to have every little bit of your custody - quite possibly far more than the court-ordered minimum. Whether mild or malignant, once you know HOW - Narcs are actually very easy to persuade round.