So like the title states , my husband and I have been married for 1.5 years and he is putting me thought it . He does rideshare for a living so he makes around 1000-1500 a week as a UBER driver . I work two jobs as a analyst and Help desk tech so I do make more money than him but I feel like I’m carrying on the financial burden of the marriage . I buy all the Groceries , toiletries , internet bill , cable bill , car note and insurance . At one point we were splitting the rent , however as of three months ago , he stopped paying his portion because he had some unexpected bills , which I honestly have no idea what those bills are So I’m litterally carrying the financial burden of the household with no help . And I’m frustrated .To add insult to injury , he is flirting with other women and exchanging numbers with his riders he picks up doing UBER I while driving my car .
I found texts with him , sending cash app to different women , meeting up with different women at restaurants to “discuss business “ .I even caught him purchasing Victoria secret lingerie for a woman he met while driving for UBER. He tells me bought it for her to help her with her performing outfit for a concert performance .He’s telling different women he wants to go on vacations , pay their bills , take them out to have fun and pay them as well to join his non profit to help the homeless when he doesn’t have an actual non profit lol . I also found texts with him sending some woman he met money in exchange for a video of her masterbating . He was banned from UBER yesterday due to unprofessional behavior due to several reports against him . So now he’s lost that source of income . I have suggested jobs he can get , his response is “ I don’t like people and I want to be able to network while I work and work a flexible work schduele “ so he’s basically telling me he will not work a regular job . And now he is inviting women over to the house who meets doing rideshare to discuss their lives and how to be involved with the non profit that he was wants to start . he invited this lady to the house the other day , she was disabled and had no job and we discussed how we can help the homeless but she was homeless herself . today he asked me to go with him to meet another woman he met doing rideshare today . He wanted to invite her to the house , but I was adamant about not meeting this person . Then he tells me that he’s trying to help her find a lawyer to get her kids back . Then he asks me if it will be okay if a woman who had just met could cook a dinner for us . He goes on to say he wants to pay her 200.00 to cook the dinner for us and so he can include her in his business . The business I don’t know of . He has business cards to do solar panel installation yet he’s trying to start a non profit to help the homeless . A food truck , and open up a beauty salon . I’m so confused why he keeps talking to women about starting a business yet he doesn’t actually do any business . And he wants me to meet them and be involved as a friend with the other women he meets .
To add , I also have never met any of his family . He has three children and an ex wife who lives in California . He refuses to tell me there names , show me pictures of them or any type of personal information about them . Also same with his parents , refuses to tell
Me anything about them .I have yet to meet them at all nor his sister or any other family member . When I ask him about it , he just keeps telling me he hates his patents and doesn’t want talk to them . Especially his mother , he hates his mother with a passion .
In addition we are having intimacy issues . We no longer French kiss , no foreplay , no sex in over three months . Actually I can count on one hand how many times we have had actual sex this year .
I also notice when I try to get him to do things I enjoy like concerts , just anything I personally enjoy he gets upset . The other day I asked him to come with me to get a Christmas tree , and he was mad and angry the entire drive to pick up the tree and actually yelled at me in front of the store clerk . He also didn’t but me anything for Christmas . I went and bought him over 1,000 dollars of clothes and this dude didn’t even buy my a nice bottles of perfume or anything . When I ask him why didn’t he get me anything for Christmas , his response is “he doesn’t celebrate Christmas “ . He doesn’t even buy his children anything for Christmas .they are 19,16 , and 15 years old and live in a different state but he acts like he doesn’t care about his own children .
Im at my wits end . Should we try counseling to Try to save the marriage or should I just walk away ?
I hate to tell you this and the only reason I ran across this was it based because it was right below the one I just posted and I'd never been here before. You have a lot of tolerance but I can tell you one thing is for sure, this guy is completely screwing you over. I'm 51 and I'm not sure how old you are but I'm old enough to know that these kinds of things are terrible red flags whether you want to see them clearly or not, they are. The only advice I can give you is that you just leave I would just leave I would leave and count your blessings that hasn't gone on for 20 years this guy has so many ulterior motives it's not even funny. You don't deserve that you deserve way better and there are way better there are still good in the world believe it or not. Get away from this guy save yourself I mean it... Get away from him and go live your life and save your money when the right one comes along you will know it and there will be no red flags there will be no doubts just take a longer look before you get into your next relationship and make sure that your values align and make sure that your families align to some degree and make sure that your boundaries are never violated and make sure that you lay all the expectations out in advance but I'm sure you know all of this and if you don't?...well you do now, right? I wish for you just like I wish for my daughter that I could just take you by the shoulders and look at you and tell you you must leave and that magically somehow you or my daughter would both leave the situations you are in. I wish you the best I'm confident that you will make the right decision you're obviously intelligent you're well articulated and you're smart enough to know that something's not right. Bank on that trust that and go with that. ❤️
I hate to tell you this and the only reason I ran across this was because it was right below the one I just posted and I'd never been here before. You have a lot of tolerance but I can tell you one thing is for sure, this guy is completely screwing you over.
I'm 51 and I'm not sure how old you are but I'm old enough to know that these kinds of things are terrible red flags whether you want to see them clearly or not, they are.
The only advice I can give you is that you just leave...I would just leave. I would leave, and count your blessings that hasn't gone on for 20 years+this guy has so many ulterior motives it's not even funny.
You don't deserve that you deserve way better and there are way better there are still good in the world believe it or not. Get away from this guy save yourself I mean it... Get away from him and go live your life and save your money.
when the right one comes along you will know it and there will be no red flags, there will be no doubjust take a longer look before you get into your next relationship and make sure that your values align and make sure that your families align to some degree and make sure that your boundaries are never violated and make sure that you lay all the expectations out in advance but I'm sure you know all of this and if you don't?...well you do now, right? I wish for you just like I wish for my daughter that I could just take you by the shoulders and look at you and tell you you must leave and that magically somehow you or my daughter would both leave the situations you are in. I wish you the best I'm confident that you will make the right decision you're obviously intelligent you're well articulated and you're smart enough to know that something's not right. Bank on that trust that and go with that. ❤️
You WILL leave him. You've already started. And there's no reversing on that Recovery Path. This is NOT a "relationship", it follows different rules and requires a longer mental journey in the run-up to ending it (because you have to de-tox some as well as detach far many more, far deeper hooks than the norm before you'll feel sure).
It's in the fact you're even asking if you should leave him when logically you do know, plus the fact you're in a situation wherein it's even occurring to you, and the fact you came all this way to ask us (and then did).
You're waking up and starting to realise you've been wired to 'the Matrix'.
Does that make sense?
Read this, by ex-victim-turned-expert, Jennifer Smith, and tell me if you relate and how any of it makes you feel - or, indeed, if it changes anything of how you feel?
10 Signs Our Spouse is a Sociopath
Suspect you’ve got a sociopath spouse?
Are you kinda falling out of love?
Walking on eggshells.
Thinking, this is such a mess…?
Sociopath spouse in the house?
For most of us, this is a difficult and hard-hard realization to come to. Amazingly, after over five days time talking with two different friends who reached out to me spontaneously, to my own shock and surprise, let alone theirs – we discovered each of them was not in great relationship with a few problems but married to sociopaths. They each called me because they know about my experience and what I do to help others.
The thing is, there are distinct and unmistakable signs of a sociopath-spouse. They’re specific and clear, but when we’re in it we’re not so sure. It’s natural to feel a need to “be sure”. To want to prove to ourselves what’s happening, what we suspect, what they are.
None of us are going to leave the first time they say something strange, or come home late… not even the fifth time. This is normal and absolutely the way it goes under the influence of the sociopath. – And then, when you do want to end it, things only become more difficult.
As my friends talked with me over the next months, I witnessed each of them grasp a wisp of the truth of what they were in – but not fully grab onto it.
In one moment, they’d get a snip of insight, make an infinitesimal shift in perception about their sociopath spouse, and then bob back up to the surface of “normal”.
“Normal”, meaning the way we look at life. We use our life-lens of good, trust, and love to interpret the behavior and words of a suspected sociopath spouse – and everyone and everything else around us.
Spinning in Confusion
When wondering and in pain, it’s normal to lay the blame at our own feet while we give them a second chance. The problem isn’t us, it’s them. Questioning our own levels of self-esteem or imagining it’s because we don’t have enough self-love fortifies their influence and power over us. We do not cause coercive control. After all, if we didn’t love ourselves, or have esteem for our lives, would it all hurt so sickeningly much?
We give these creatures who lie and cheat and deceive others far too much credit. They’re so simplistic and solely focused on themselves… are they really master manipulators…? Or do we just not understand what they are? Are they truly great liars…? If they were would we be Googling for answers? ~ Jennifer Smith
We See the World From Our Own Experience
We look at the world from our own sweethearts, and why wouldn’t we? Unfortunately, when ensnared by a parasitic user, this means we further mistake the truth.
If this resonates in even the tiniest twinge of recognition if you’re feeling two or more of these feelings or experiencing these kinds of circumstances, chances are Mr. or Ms. Right is completely wrong-in-the-head and possesses the abnormal brain of a sociopath.
We hold into empathy for them; and as we continue to look at our sociopath spouse and our troubles through “normal” and as if we’re a couple with “problems” through popular views on handling relationship issues we’re getting further from real answers.
Sadly, this “normal” view of life and relationships only steers us in the wrong direction. Ultimately, we discover do “normal” isn’t working. The next step is discovering what’s really going on.
Seeing a Sociopath Spouse for What They Are is Hard
At first, it’s unbelievable. The dawning that Mr. Dream Man is a monster is slow. And why wouldn’t it be? How would we understand something we’ve never known existed? We wade into the dark-deep waters of seeing a sociopath spouse for what they are in baby steps.
A Sociopath Spouse Only Exists in the Movies, Doesn’t It?
We sometimes jump to blaming ourselves for not “knowing”. Please don’t think for one second you could have known these people are real; no one can begin to imagine that the problem is we’re married to a sociopath spouse because, well, what the heck is that?! And we think, doesn’t that only happen in movies?
If only we could recognize red flags waving for things we don’t know exist. If only liar’s pants really did catch fire. Here’s a hint of what it feels like to have a sociopath spouse… In the beginning, it’s nice. Then, after the nice wears off and the good wears down, it just feels like things have gone bad, just really bad.
Sad So Sad
Mostly, we’re confused and sad, and next, there’s worse. And for all of us, the really bad drags on and on to a grinding, exhausting kind of life that’s more than exhausting, where things go wrong, and overall we’re in something we can’t explain and possibly feel ashamed to be in. We feel we’re headed towards “losing our minds” or “broken” if this keeps up.
Each of my friends described exactly what it’s like without knowing for sure that they were married to a sociopath. If this resonates in even the tiniest twinge – if you’re feeling two or more of these feelings, or experiencing these kinds of circumstances, chances are Mr. or Ms. Right is completely wrong-in-the-head and possesses the abnormal brain of a sociopath.
10 Signs Our Spouse is a Sociopath
Here’s what my friends said about their marriages to a sociopath spouse:
He doesn’t want a wife, and what he needs is a mommy
He has a kid he didn’t tell me about before we got married
Being married to him is like trying to build a life on a roller coaster
He orders me around the house
I think he’s bipolar or mentally, something’s wrong
He accused me of threatening him when I suggested he get his own car insurance
When we first met, he was so charming and paid so much attention to me
We sleep in separate rooms
He put us in major debt and hid it and blamed me when I found out
Months ago, he quit working, once in a while he pretends to look for work
More Signs of a Sociopath Spouse
Here are more signals my friends experienced when married to sociopaths: Suddenly, they lost huge amounts of weight. Both of them talked about their husband’s rage.
And those husbands didn’t seem to care about anyone but themselves and thought they were victimized by their wives – and nearly everyone else.
My friends really stressed about money and slept badly. They were plagued by confusion and anxiety.
They considered that maybe their hubby was mentally unbalanced… or coo-coo-for-cocoa puffs. Each had sneaking suspicions the sociopath spouse had someone on the side. They themselves were exhausted and worn to the bone.
We Want the Sociopath Spouse Out
Being at their wit’s end, they wanted out. Unsettling, undercurrents of fear curdled their peace of mind. Nothing they’d tried to do or say had changed the marriage for the better or altered their husband’s behavior in the slightest. Sometimes the men seemed to care or act differently, but it wore off.
As hard as it is to see and to say I’ve got a sociopath spouse, it’s the beginning and early days of recovering. Without getting to this you can’t escape as safely and smoothly as we might. Certainly, recovery is hindered. Without this one has little chance of getting to the point of being sociopath-proof in the future. And, let’s face it that’s exactly what we need.
You can win. They need us, not the other way around. Step into freedom. You are amazing, awesome, and gorgeous and have everything it takes to be sociopath-spouse-free.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
20 Characteristics of a Con Man Sociopath
Sociopaths are identical and predictable.
Truly understanding the characteristics
of a sociopath changes everything.
How Do Sociopaths (aka Narcissists aka Psychopaths) Do What They Do?
"When individuals operate without a conscience they are able to do horrible things we would never dream of doing, and there is no moral compass or guilt feelings to stop them."
Dr. Deborah Ettel, PhD Psychology
The Sociopath Effect Is Inevitable
In order to hook, use and take from targets, (that would be you or I, just regular people) every sociopath uses the same little tricks and misleads and lies. This takes effect in one-on-one relationships, in romantic or work situations, towards religious leaders or politicians; anywhere you find and admire or like someone who is a sociopath this hook will take hold.
Where ever there’s a sociopath in a group, a family, or an organization. The predator gets busy in a true love faux-lationship or superior-acolyte in any setting. The arc of hell and the crazy plays out in five stages. Always, and also in every one of these set-ups.
This Is The Only Way It Goes
There’s no deviation from this pattern of hook and use and break-away. It might be carried out over five days or 50 years with any particular morsel of prey — but there’s no variation in the way a sociopath functions or affects prey.
Everything they do and say is in an effort to make use of those around them is for their survival. We are their livelihood. This survival is dependent upon us believing they’re normal. This is not easy for us to see. It takes time and taking in a new perspective to see this thing we never imagined existed.
Our experience with them is traumatic and so is coming to terms with what they are. Not all trauma is bad!
Sociopaths are Identical, Predictable and Severely Limited
So many give credit to the sociopath as a master manipulator, a genius liar. I beg to differ. It’s time to look again from another angle, so we can stop giving them the power. They claim to be amazing and talented geniuses — and we do at first see them as masterly wizards of manipulation and at the antics that they pull.
It likely sounds dramatic, an impossibility, and maybe a bit like fear-mongering to say with calm confidence, oh that guy? He’s a sociopath. Or, she’s a sociopath. – The breaking news is, it is neither dramatic nor impossible.
It’s practical and sensible. It is scary. However, calmly knowing sociopaths exist and are real and what that means is huge key to how we unwind the damage of the sociopath-effect and unplug their influence.
Aren’t Sociopaths Only In the Movies?
I wish. The fact is, a sociopath is a real thing. A common reality. There are humans all around us who function from sociopathy. …And to confuse things even further, many people call them narcissists.
Though sociopath is a big scary word, the characteristics of a sociopath are really tiny and limited. And distinct.
There’s a good reason for this, a sociopath is a sociopath because they have a brain significantly different from the regular brain, that is from yours or mine.
Their brains under-function, so that they have no sensation or experience or feeling of connection. No sense of caring, genuine consideration, love, or even like for people outside of their own body. This pathology gives them very specific and unbelievable traits and qualities.
Pathological vs Non-pathological
By now you’ve heard the word narcissist and maybe call the person who hauled you through hell a narcissist. The thing is a “narcissist” is most often a sociopath. If you’re thinking of them as a “narcissists” read about and research sociopaths for real answers.
There’s lots of material and many memes and so many Insta accounts that talk about the more mundane narcissistic person who is not pathological and who is not a scammer. If you found yourself in a life where you were working harder than you’ve ever worked to keep your life and their life afloat only to find it constantly sinking, you were ensnared by the pathological narcissist…. that is, a sociopath.
No Conscience, No Concern For You Or Anyone Else
Sociopaths are 100% narcissistic. They’re in your life for a reason that is not normal or genuine in any way. There’s no one more narcissistic on the planet than the sociopath… the antisocial psychopath aka sociopath or psychopath. Read here about why the clinical terminology uses the word “antisocial”.
Sociopaths Are Real: And Simplistic in Nature
Though sociopath is a big scary word, the characteristics of a sociopath are really tiny and limited. And distinct. There’s a good reason for this: a sociopath is a sociopath because they have a brain significantly different from the regular brain… yours or mine.
Their brains are structured so that they have no sensation or experience of feeling any bonding, love, care, or consideration for other people — or animals. – They do pretend to.
The attachment or interest they display for others is where we begin to feel horrified because it’s not like ours. And it’s not good.
Other people hold no meaning to them aside from using that person for the sociopath’s personal gain. This means they’re what’s commonly called a con man or con artist, or scammer. And they come in male or female versions.
Brain Scans Reveal the Sociopath, “Narcissist”, Psychopath Brain
There’s hard science to demonstrate the difference in their brains. Brain scans by neuroscientists reveal the portions of the brain attributed to feeling love, and compassion just doesn’t function.
There’s nothing we can recognize as normal once the mask hits the floor. So what is going on inside of them? There’s basically nothing there. Where love would be there’s white noise. The connection between themselves and others isn’t made of concern or care.
There’s Nobody Inside To Connect With
Though they can create what we first feel is intimacy and deep interest in us, calling what they put out towards us a real “connection” isn’t quite the thing. This is because they see us as an object to grab-and-smash; something like a natural resource they hold the rights to.
They truly believe that they have every right to make use of humans as you or I would make use of a vacuum cleaner or a blender to get something done.
The thing is, we care more about the well-being of our vacuum cleaner than a sociopath does about us or any other human. They make use of others in absolutely any way they like. The word, “exploitation” comes to mind.
This is really hard for us to believe. It’s humanly impossible to absorb in one single moment the reality that there are people who look human, just like us, but are missing the “humanity chip”. Taking this in is a process...
20 Characteristics of a Sociopath
Fun, charming, and entertaining. Super polite when meeting new people
Display impressive knowledge or skill at something. This proves to be limited or fake
Have a primal perception as far as what concerns us, what we need, and depend upon; this is used to make false promises, to make deals, and to blackmail
Are easily offended. They fluster and bluster when offended and lash out
Lie about all things – except those odd moments they tell the truth
Believe they’re better than everyone. Express misogynistic, racist, homophobic, or other prejudice and hatred
Crave a good reputation
Crave status, power, possessions, money, yet exist at any level of society
Have delusions of fame and importance, though they might live in the Metro station
Mimic our authentic emotions and social mannerisms as best they can
Have no capacity for care, concern, or love, though it sometimes seems they do
Think of themselves as victims and can cry fake tears at the drop of a hat
Are sexually promiscuous and often simultaneously avoid sex with a primary prey; someone they’ve put in place as a primary “partner”
Do any horrible, illegal, or immoral thing they want to do and to absolutely anyone.
Think their prey (partners, spouses, girlfriends, etc.) should be grateful
Take pride in their scams and run several scams simultaneously
Believe everyone deserves whatever it is that they do to them
Smear their targets and prey; loudly, publicly, online in court
Have outbursts of rage, that can be physically violent.
All of them know they are monsters; they are proud of it and enjoy it.
((And I, SM, will add (which she describes elsewhere) - live (and exploit/steal/ID thieve) off you...You are not their pairbond, you are their JOB!...which is precisely why they so soon/too soon lose or give up what turns out to have been merely their cover job...window-dressing, if you prefer.))
Take your time, and feel free to ask any questions, I appreciate it's a heck of a lot to get your head around.
PS: Forgot to mention: counselling doesn't normally work on them...especially not one as far gone as yours, judging by how incredibly shoddily and shittily from all angles he treats you! If anything, it just makes them worse because all they do is pick up the new knowledge like a manipulation tool and/or cosh to hit you harder with. So, sadly, it's probably not an option.
They usually refuse point-blank, anyway... have to be court-ordered there or threatened with divorce when it's still inconvenient to them because their nearest lilypad isn't yet close enough to leap to (google Idealise...Devalue...Discard).