Advice on sex anxiety?
I am a female, and I am currently dating another female. Our relationship, overall, is good, until the idea of sex comes up. She has experience with both genders, I have literally none. The other day, we were going back and forth joking about what we'd do to each other and all that good stuff, but then she asked me if I was really being serious about everything I had said or not. Now, we've been talking like this for the past few days, and I told her that I would be down, but since it'd be my first time, I'd be anxious about it. She understood, and we left it at that, until the previous night.
She had admitted that to her, even though she understands where I'm coming from, because of her past experiences, it sounds like I'm not attracted to her and that me not wanting to engage in intercourse with her made her feel like she wasn't attractive and that me not wanting to overcome those fears that I do have about intercourse makes her feel like she's not worth it when that couldn't be farther from the truth. Since then, we've been communicating about our anxieties and such, but I can't help but feel like there's tension now? I'm not entirely sure what to do, because I care so deeply for her.
I have my own insecurities that I deal with, and she knows about them, and tells me that those don't change the way she feels about me, and I know they don't, but I guess it's just where I am with these insecurites, I feel guility not being able to overcome them and in return, she begins to feel like she's the issue, and she's not. It's only been a day but I feel like I'm going to lose her because of this, because of my own pat experiences, so I'm just asking for any type of help. Could anyone help me find the words to let her know that she's not the issue? My wording is a bit confusing, I do apologize but my mind is racing with thoughts right now.
I think your post is pretty clear. Here's my take:
You would be well served to talk to a therapist about your anxiety. Your friend may be well-intended and all, but there's just a touch of "Be intimate with me because my ego is hurt" in this. I'd say the same thing to a woman who had a man telling her this.
Maybe before you have sex you want more of a commitment than just "dating?" Not so common any more, but it's a valid personal choice.
"You need to overcome your fears and have sex with me" sounds a bit manipulative.
If you really like this individual then communicating your apprehensions to them should be understood..
you shouldn't feel any pressure to move forward with an intimate relationship until YOU are ready to do so. If your partner is not willing to accept that then maybe you should consider keeping your relationship platonic...or move on.