Advice on sex anxiety?
I am a female, and I am currently dating another female. Our relationship, overall, is good, until the idea of sex comes up. She has experience with both genders, I have literally none. The other day, we were going back and forth joking about what we'd do to each other and all that good stuff, but then she asked me if I was really being serious about everything I had said or not. Now, we've been talking like this for the past few days, and I told her that I would be down, but since it'd be my first time, I'd be anxious about it. She understood, and we left it at that, until the previous night.
She had admitted that to her, even though she understands where I'm coming from, because of her past experiences, it sounds like I'm not attracted to her and that me not wanting to engage in intercourse with her made her feel like she wasn't attractive and that me not wanting to overcome those fears that I do have about intercourse makes her feel like she's not worth it when that couldn't be farther from the truth. Since then, we've been communicating about our anxieties and such, but I can't help but feel like there's tension now? I'm not entirely sure what to do, because I care so deeply for her.
I have my own insecurities that I deal with, and she knows about them, and tells me that those don't change the way she feels about me, and I know they don't, but I guess it's just where I am with these insecurites, I feel guility not being able to overcome them and in return, she begins to feel like she's the issue, and she's not. It's only been a day but I feel like I'm going to lose her because of this, because of my own pat experiences, so I'm just asking for any type of help. Could anyone help me find the words to let her know that she's not the issue? My wording is a bit confusing, I do apologize but my mind is racing with thoughts right now.
I think your post is pretty clear. Here's my take:
You would be well served to talk to a therapist about your anxiety. Your friend may be well-intended and all, but there's just a touch of "Be intimate with me because my ego is hurt" in this. I'd say the same thing to a woman who had a man telling her this.
Maybe before you have sex you want more of a commitment than just "dating?" Not so common any more, but it's a valid personal choice.
"You need to overcome your fears and have sex with me" sounds a bit manipulative.
If you really like this individual then communicating your apprehensions to them should be understood..
you shouldn't feel any pressure to move forward with an intimate relationship until YOU are ready to do so. If your partner is not willing to accept that then maybe you should consider keeping your relationship platonic...or move on.
As a fellow queer person, I have some thoughts on this. I still feel anxious around sex despite being with 3 partners and sexually active for about 6 years! It happens to the best of us. I think there's several aspects here to look at.
It's cliche but communication is the core and key to a healthy relationship. I think it's great that you're both communicating your anxieties and how you feel because that implies you both care and want something from the relationship and other person which is a great place to start.
I think your partner saying you not being serious about sex yet makes them think you don't love them is a little manipulative and unfair. I can understand how they feel to an extent but there isn't any rush. They should be aware of how you feel and how they can work with you to ensure sex is pleasurable for both of you.
In regards to your insecurities, I agree with another responder that therapy would help with this. This is an issue you are aware of and I think would be beneficial to work on. Therapy, some form of self help etc. Personally though, I found sex helped with some of my insecurities, as much as external validation shouldn't determine your self worth, I know it helped with mine when I became sexually active.
This point, of course, it all dependent on how comfortable you are. But I would maybe suggest taking it at one step at a time. Queer sex especially is ambigious so there maybe things you are more and less comfortable with. For example I'm AFAB and with all my AFAB partners, in the past, frisky time would start just with the chest and never below the belt until I and my partner felt comfortable enough. Take things slowly and at the rate of how you feel comfortable. But this point is based on my experience. If you don't feel comfortable, never force yourself to do this.
It sounds like you both have individual insecurities that you need to work through individually but can also aid eachother. I think, if you are sensing tension, mention it to your partner. Always communicate any vibes because sometimes you may feel something and be affected by something they have no idea about. Explain how you feel about the entire situation and continue discussing your perspectives, insecurities and feelings surrounding it all.
Wish you all the best! If it's meant to be, it'll work out. Never force yourself
Well said... NEVER force yourself and be happy and comfortable with your decision...
Really good responses, guys!
What I'd like to know, though, HEARTHACHEACHE, is for how long you've been dating this person? This'll have a significant bearing on whether she is trying to manipulate you into bed too soon out of selfish impatience or purely because your reticence is triggering her insecurities.
But I wonder whether this could be the clue to solve it:
"and that me not wanting to overcome those fears that I do have about intercourse makes her feel like she's not worth it "
Given the choice, were it my first time with a new partner and they weren't quite ready to take that step, I wouldn't WANT them to "feel the fear and do it anyway". *I* wouldn't be comfortable going ahead if the person I ostensibly loved or at least were in-love with, weren't uncomfortable - let alone SCARED?! I would WANT to wait until they weren't and would be the one insisting on it!
Would you? Wouldn't anyone with any sensitivity? ...Not least for purely practical, faciitation purposes: a woman can't become lubricated if she's worried/nervous/scared! Doesn't she, in all her alleged wisdom of experience, KNOW THAT? Wouldn't she care?
It's important to keep in mind that sex anxiety is a completely natural experience. It's helpful to take a step back and remind oneself that, though awkward, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's important to talk to your partner about any sex-related doubts or worries you may have. If professional advice or therapy doesn't help you cope with your anxiety, you should think about it. Finally, keep in mind that there is no one-size-fits-all method for dealing with anxiety because everyone is unique. Treat yourself gently, go at your own pace, and zero in on what you and your partner need.