Is it hopeless?
CAINE_VIXIII - Jan 25 2023 at 08:24
I'm 40yo male and am coming up on 1 year of sobriety. I'm realizing when I left the drug scene I left more then just drugs behind.
I had been using drugs full time for my entire adult life since I was 15 really. I was thrown out of the house I grew up in at 16 and left to fend for myself. I don't blame my parents for doing it they were at there breaking point. I had put them through hell(that's a whole different story). They told me it was easier if in their minds that I was dead. That was the last time I spoke to them in 1998.
So I grew into an adult as a drug addicted homeless teenager. Everything I did and learned from that point on was with like minded people. So fast forward and I'm 35 basically homeless full blown heroin and meth addict and I met someone that as soon as I saw her I knew we would be together. I'd had a few relationships before this but drug addict relationships usually aren't good. If you're a drug addict like I was then it's impossible to put someone else's needs and feelings above your addiction. No matter how much you lie to yourself and them saying they're number one it's a lie. Hell I couldn't even put my own needs and feelings ahead of my addiction. Back to the girl who I knew we would be together and it happened we ended up together and it did feel different like something I'd never felt before for another human being. We had good and bad times and broke up a few times but always ended up back together. Then after a year of being together she did something really stupid and I'm not going to go into specifics but she needed to leave town quick it was literally life or death. She was going to ask me to come with and before she did I said yes let's go. Next day we were on the train going south to no particular destination. So after a month of riding trains and hanging out in different cities we were basically broke and in a new big city not knowing anyone. First thing first we had to find drugs that was pretty easy. Except she had found a new drug Fentanyl and I didn't even know until she overdosed in a bathroom and I saved her life the first time. Somebody called 911 but by the time they got there I had already done CPR and brought her back. The paramedics asked her if it was Fentanyl and she said yes. I didn't think to much of it at the time I knew I didn't want to try it. I was just fine with heroin. Well as addicts do they find something they like and they're going to keep doing it at all costs. I felt really close to her after literally breathing life back into her lungs and bringing her back from being blue and that's no exaggeration she was blue. So we went on as life does and she got deeper into the Fentanyl and I just watched afraid if I said something she would leave and maybe next time she od'ed I wouldn't be there to save her. Because she definitely od'ed again. In fact I brought her back 44 times from death. You want know how bad addiction is especially with Fentanyl, when she realized that Narcan could bring her back she was no longer afraid of overdosing. Anyways got off topic so we started drifting apart. I mean we got housing together and so we were living together even sharing a bed most of the time but I had no desire to be more then her best friend.
So it's been 4 years now that we've been together for better or worse. We got off the streets together, we went through covid lockdown together and I was getting tired of the drugs. If covid lockdowns did anything for me it's that it showed me how truly isolated being a drug addict is. I knew if I didn't do something soon I would probably die within a couple years. My health and body took a beating being a drug addict all that time. So I decided I needed to change. I knew that just because I had made this decision didn't mean that she would too but I had hope. So when I signed up for treatment and told her, she wanted to go too. So I got us both in together at the same time cause I knew it couldn't be just one of us in treatment while the other one was waiting that would never work. Apparently it didn't matter cause both of us at the same time she still wasn't where I was in my life. It broke my heart to have to leave but I knew I had too.
So I moved out and stopped talking to her. I didn't realize when I decided to get clean that it would mean leaving behind everything I had known my entire adult life. I mean so called friends who might not have been the greatest but I was at least socializing. Now that I'm at 1 year clean and I've taken care of all my physical health issues I realize it's been a lonely effing year. Now I'm 40 and have no idea how to make friends and even if I did what would I have in common with them. So I sit here day after day just me and my 10lb rat terrier/chihuahua wondering if I made the right decision. I mean I know I did but at what cost. I feel so awkward in social situations that I just avoid them all together. My biggest fear now is dying and no one knowing I'm dead in my apartment and my dog either starves to death or has to eat me and no one finds us until the smell is so bad that the manager comes in. I just want to find someone to grow old with. Is that to much to ask?
You have a job? Those people would probably call someone if you didn't show up. I don't have 'friends' at work, but they'd certainly call someone if I didn't show up or answer the phone.
I've never been good at making friends either, but I'm trying something new. I have a new hobby I'd like to pursue, and there are interest groups all around for people who engage in that hobby.
Have you thought about Meetups? Sometimes they arrange specific outings - eating out before a sports event, escape rooms, book clubs, craft groups.
You walk your dog, right? Ever try to chat with someone at the dog park?
I was married to an alcoholic, that's pretty lonely, too. After he died, I did wonder if I'd ever meet someone. I was more than a decade older than you are - and I'd already been lonely for years. I kept trying the internet dating services, and I realized that even a date with someone that didn't work out was good practice for when I met someone that was a good match. Don't discount the value of 'practice dates.'
I'm self employed buying and selling trading cards. So I suppose if someone didn't get there order then they might make an inquiry. My main point is that all I've known my adult life is drugs and all that goes with it but in order to stay off drugs I had to change my surroundings and people around me. Thanks for replying
And there you go- you do know what has to be done.
So we're going with...chatting with folks at the dog park, scanning the Meetups, taking up a hobby. Yeah, your 'old' friends need other addicts to make their own use seem less outside the norm. Church? Your town's Recreation Department might have some activities, which, since you're self employed, you will be able to take advantage of. (I still have a 9 - 5 job, so all those groups that meet at 10 in the morning won't work for me.)
You know what has to be done. I once had a chat with a friend who was a prison guard. He said many inmates were released and commented they were never going back to X town or those friends. He knew they were destined for trouble; the kind of people who they associated with are everywhere. Changing your surroundings and the people around you is an important step you've arrived at all by yourself.
BTW, after three years of wading in the dating pool, I did find someone. We've been together for ten years now.