Falling out of love
RIVERGIRL777 - Jan 26 2023 at 10:36
I need advice. I have been married for two years now (we got married for health insurance benefits). I have been with him for 5 1/2 years since I was 19 and we have both helped each other through hard stuff.
We have a 3 year old together and he is literally my best friend. I stay at home and watch our kid while he works.
But lately I have been feeling like he loves me more than I love him. And this isn't something out of the blue I've been shoving it in the back of my mind for a year. And to make matters worse I have a crush on his brother who we live with. I've also been pushing that a way for a while. We literally tell each other everything and I tried to push this all back deep and be happy but it all came up when I was crying all the time. I explained my feelings to my husband including the crush. I don't like how I feel I just want to be happy with him. I feel like a horrible person.
We talked it out and want to try. He thinks his brother was just filling holes our relationship was lacking and we can fix us. I really am trying but at the same time I am pretty sure I don't love him like that anymore. Regardless of the brother issue that's a whole other mess, I was having doubts before I started having feelings for his brother. And his brothers goals, wants, and interest are rekindling what I always wanted for my life, and me and my husband have grown apart in a lot of ways.
I'm not sure what to do. We have our kid. I don't work. We share money and a house. He and his family are basically my only family. But staying with him out of fear or feeling stuck isn't fair to either of us. I'm so confused sad and upset. I don't understand why my brain and heart are doing this to me. Please if anyone has advice 🥺😭😭
You are right, this isn't fair to anyone.
I would say first, stop confiding in your brother-in-law. This creates more intimacy where it shouldn't exist. Can you and your husband afford your own place?
You need to learn to be on your own, not find men to support you. that will mean getting some education and/or experience and getting a job. That way, your future isn't based on marrying someone for insurance or financial support. You really, *really* have to sort this out and make a plan. It may not be your intention, but this looks like you searching for greener pastures and deciding there's something better that what you've currently got. There will *always* be something that *looks* better that what we have.
I'm just guessing from what you've written that your BIL is better settled, makes more money, owns a home and you and your husband are staying there based (somewhat) on BIL's generosity? That can make him look like a hero, yes? Let me clue you in:
It's easy to love someone you aren't married to. You aren't arguing about money, dishes, clothes on the floor, whose turn it is to get Baby ready for bed, household tasks that aren't completed, all that stuff.
I know a family that has your backstory: Wife married one man, fell in love with his brother, and left her husband. Very, very messy for Kid and hurtful to the man who was dumped. Not that you should stay with hubby no matter what, but what you've expressed is very troubling. It frankly looks shallow.
I agree. Technically, in principle, certainly. But a few things have made me suspect we might have one of those "two mind-tracks, simultaneously" situations going on - hence you putting this like you did:
"I don't understand why my brain and heart are doing this to me."
You sound as if something's being DONE to you, that your will isn't having any effect. You sound as if you genuinely don't like it. So...
What kind of brother would do such a despicable thing to his own sibling, the person he shared his entire childhood with, as, basically, try to seduce his wife away from him? The fact he's proving himself capable, heavily suggests not much of a bond towards his own brother/your husband AS WELL AS a serious lack of morals.
I mean - could YOU do that to someone you loved and cared about? Or, even to someone you DIDN'T?
What about what trouble it'll cause the entire family (it's inevitable..always does) - creating rifts and resentments and such? Doesn't Mr Wonderful care about anything or anyone, or the consequences, save for what HE wants? I mean, does he think his brother will want to even speak to him ever again (and anyone else who'll end up taking his side, given this is a situation so extreme it WILL cause side-taking)?
Again - coud YOU do it? Would you DARE?
Well, he can. So what does that tell us?
My Narcdar is beeping. That's what.
There's an anti-narcissism meme going around that reads, Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side BECAUSE IT'S FAKE.
Tell me more about Mr "Wonderful", if you please?
And PS: Nineteen is very young to marry. Too young, actually. Was it just the health insurance (you American?) or did the marriage originally also represent a "taxi out of there" (there, being your parents' house)?