I've been in a relationship with the love of my life for nearly 2 years. They have my heart, complete me and are just the perfect person for me. However, I have developed a bizarre crush on someone else. I would never pursue anything, but I do fantasise and find myself thinking about this crush more than I should. I have never been in a committed relationship for as long as I have and I think that is causing my attention to divert.
I guess what I'm asking for is how do I manage this without feeling guilty. I have been transparent with my partner about the weird way I'm feeling towards this person and have been as honest as I can but I'm not sure they recognise the extent it occupies my mind. I fantasise about acting on it but I never would. I love my partner and I know they trust me, especially as I wouldn't tell them if I had something to hide. But how do I manage this bizarre obsession? They're a colleague who is nearly double my age, in a relationship, have children and of the opposite gender (which I have never had a serious romantic or sexual relationship with). Are fantasies harmless? I guess I think so if not acted upon but I hate how it uncontrollably occupies my mind, hoping I'll see them and get to talk to them. I have this inexplainable magnetism towards them like I would never be in a romantic relationship with them, or even sexual I don't think. I'm just drawn for some reason.
Someone please explain??
I do apologise that we haven't had enough respondents, lately, to take your 'call'. Hopefully, you'll still get this?
First-off, I have some questions...
This doesn't make any sense:
"They have my heart, complete me and are just the perfect person for me. However, I have developed a bizarre crush on someone else."
If she has your heart, completes you and is just perfect for you - how on earth could you have developed a crush on someone else?
Answer: you're not as attached to your gf, after that 2 years (which is ample time to have eyes only for her) to your gf as you could have within that amount of time. And yes, the fact you're unused to the bonding process this far along is indeed a factor. Your fantasy woman helps you to extricate yourself a little: Picture attachment as tendrils coming out of you and suckering-on to her (and vice versa)...two-thirds of your attachment tendrils for her and instead of the other third joining them, you 'dilute' your sense of committedness by giving them to someone else. Only, you're not a cheater. So you create a fantasy "other lover". One that simply isn't available, anyway. Safe.
But wait a minute because we need to eliminate a factor, that being: has she attached to you too deep, too fast? Is this avoidance or a certain degree of escape? TOO much too soon, eg. 5 years' worth of commitment in 2 years...this would make any commitment novice run away.
I also note you told her when, actually, since it can't become real in reality - there was no point. Well, no visible, simple one, anyway.
So is this - stay away or back just a bit, you're too close? RSvP.
(Whichever it is, it's a symptom, not a cause. And there are other potential explanations, too, but it's easier to eliminate them from 'the enquiry¡ one-by-one.)
Hello Clive The Cactus:
A new responder here, first day 2nd response. Your infatuation with a man twice your age while you are in a 2-year committed relationship with a woman may be about something as simple as a little girl's infatuation with her father, looking up to her father as all powerful, all knowing etc. From my experience, I learned that a lot of how we feel as adults is about what we felt as children. What do you think?
(Psst, Amie (and Hi!) - the crush isn't a man, it's a woman...and his first experience of fancying a woman. Clive's current partner is male.)
(...albeit, your point could still stand, as in, sees his mother in her?)
Hi back to you, Soulmate. I re-read the original post and I see that I assumed, without evidence, that the OP is a woman infatuated with a man.. but I don't see where it is clear that the OP is a man either. I may be missing something (and the pronoun "they" is definitely of no help to me). English is not y first language... is "clive the cactus" indicative of male?
You are correct in your interpretation, well mostly.
Apologies Soulmate if I didn't make this clear.
I am genderqueer but assigned female at birth, I am in a relationship with a woman and always have been, making me queer. And my infatuation is with a man.
I think your interpretation of it being a fatherly figure is an interesting one, especially as he has children, and not one I'd really considered but would answer some questions. It's definitely something I will keep in mind.
I think you make some very interesting points, and ones that I will certainly keep in mind.
Upon my research following this post I do believe this is a normal phenomenon and like you say, creates a fresh attachment, which assuming you're not a cheater (which I would never do to my partner), causes no hindrence. I think an unavailable fantasy is harmless and I think provides a form of excitement in my mundane 9-5 life whilst long distancing with my partner.
Though societies pressure on couples and idealisation of monogamy to an extent, makes people feel guilty for feelings like this. I still feel a level of guilt but with researching and keeping these in mind, I am trying to see it through a different perspective.
Thank you both for your responses.
Oh - haha! Yes, Clive is a male name. (Naughty CliveTheCactus, LOL)
PS: In that case, Amie, your English is excellent.
I'll butt-out again in a tick. Got to say, however: Monogamy aka Exclusivity is vital for true and optimum closeness (where inactive and waiting 'mental lightswitches' begin to get newly turned on), rather than some mere, lifestyle choice. So it's Nature's pressure, really, followed and upheld by society, despite there will always be exceptions to the rule. Exceptions are Nature's intention too...this giant, complicated machine would grind to a screeching, smoking halt if suddenly all of its cogs were uniform and identical, all at the same time.
Could be it's both things, and that they're related, i.e. subconsciously seeking a father-figure and, having a need to alleviate the humdrum, making that your enjoyable 'daydream'? We musn't disregard the venue, however. Work. So maybe it's not a father but a mentor whom can help you realise your ambition?
Anyway, as you're not a cheater - of course they're harmless. Probably why your partner didn't seem worried.
But I'll hand you back to Amie now. :-)
Hi Clive The Cactus:
First, you are never guilty for what you feel, none of us is. We feel what we feel. You cannot change how you feel or eliminate a feeling by willing it to be gone... can't even make yourself willing to eliminate a feeling that is not a .. nice feeling, or a loyal feeling. Feelings should be free of judgement.
I hope that somehow you will no longer feel guilty about this infatuation. I wish that you peeled off that guilt from the totality of your emotional experience.
In regard to why you are infatuated with this man, it is my experience that our adult-life infatuations, when intense and prolonged, have a lot to do with emptiness and longings experienced in childhood. When we feel hurt as children, it is because someone really hurt us. As children, we are not yet prepared to be hurt.. it comes as a surprise. This is why childhood hurts feel so raw and intense. We may forget intense childhood hurts, but these old hurts don't forget us.
Maybe you are infatuated with this man because he reminds you (in his mannerism, his looks, his voice, or his position in the workplace, etc.) of a parent who you loved so much (all young children love their parent or parents so much), and that parent didn't love you back as much, or at all, didn't care.. so the longing was born long ago, a longing that this man awakened. Could it be?